BATHROOM ETIQUETTE 1.2

Editor’s Note ADNW does not casually wade into the pool of public service announcements. Loyal readers will know our standard agenda meanders from lewd commentary (DJ BJ) to general enlightenment (Dr. Love). In fact, public service is generally against our principles. But, even ADNW has to take a stand now and again. In the following series, we’ll highlight what could be generously labeled – inappropriate public behavior. In so doing, we hope to actively become agents of change. Idiots take note.

SERIES 1 - RULES FOR PUBLIC BATHROOMS
I have a palpable disdain for public bathrooms. I think they’re customarily dirty, they lack privacy, and you have to share space that regrettably exposes and exaggerates conflicting personal and cultural norms. This initial series of posts will deal with setting some ground rules.

RULE 2 - FOCUS
As a rule, I don’t want to listen in on your phone conversation (more on that topic later). This is especially true when I’m in the bathroom. With the runaway proliferation of cell phones, I think we’ve all seen this. Some of you have probably done it. Personally, I have a strict “no fly zone” policy for phones in bathrooms. I don’t care if Abraham Lincoln wakes from the dead and personally calls to tell me that lovable aliens will hand off my billion dollar lottery winnings on a flight to planet Xanadu. I’m not answering. Therefore, you won’t convince me that your conversation with mommy about the furry, green boogey you just picked will somehow reach a level of relevance worthy of public broadcast in this private domain. Regardless, I keenly remember being victim of one of these idiots, who rolled in to a stall, dropped his pants, blew ass, and never broke stride in the phone conversation. Now, I’m not saying that you can’t enjoy a quality fart with a friend. But, I have had the joy of being on the other end of the phone on occasion. News flash dumbass – WE CAN HEAR YOU! Think about the physics. If you can hear something that came out of your ass all the way up to your ear, do you think it magically bypasses the region of your mouth, and therefore cell microphone? Were you counting on a poor connection, static, or the masking sound of a couple dozen ass’s simultaneously ringing out creating some type of white ass noise? The bottom line is, I don’t want to hear it, or vicariously experience the discomfort of your boss on the other end. Let’s just leave it at – keep the friggin phone in your pocket! I’m barely tolerating you being in the bathroom with me in the first place. I sure as hell don’t want your mommy listening in too.

Secondarily, you’re the same phone addict that can’t take a 3-minute drive without calling your girlfriend, life coach, or BFF. Therefore, from watching you weave all over the road, I know how much you suck at multi-tasking. I don’t even want to think how your lack of focus in the bathroom impacts your hygiene. But, I can say that those boils on your ass are no coincidence. For your sake and your proctologist's, put the phone away and clean yourself up for a change of pace.