Wisdom from the Cubicle Jungle - 10

Businesses have assorted justifications for work cubicles – brainstorm area, space savings, inexpensive production, social accountability, etc. Physically, the cube is a slightly modified version of an elementary school desk. And this description comfortably fits the hierarchical intent and ensuing behavior. The cube dwellers are the incorrigible third graders, and the neighboring office dwellers are the real adults. Born from the careful observations of a novice cube dweller, this series is an attempt to identify the complex rules of the cubicle jungle. Don’t be alarmed if some rules seem contradictory.

46) Want to feign productivity while job hunting and social networking because you’re a-hole boss expects results? The old paper shuffle is a suitable strategy. Moving crap from one side of your desk to the other is an empty, but polite and conciliatory move that acknowledges the expectation for minimal output.

47) If you have the social skills to be a gregarious cube dweller, use them. Otherwise, you’ll have to learn subtle and strategic craftiness to get others to do your work. You should consider relationship building as maintaining a strong support staff. And by support staff, obviously that means co-workers (superiors, equals, inferiors – it doesn’t really matter) who are willing to do all the work you so carefully avoid.

48) A reliable gauge that conversation has meandered from productive to entertainment mode is when you hear repetitive usage of the phrase, “then I /he/she said.”

49) Regardless the entertainment value, it’s generally going to be a bad idea to openly mock your fellow cube dwellers. You know, because there are no walls. The best way to talk behind someone’s back is via social networking. Otherwise, keep a cork on your ‘balls on impressions’ until you get in a different setting.

50) In a cube jungle, the literal definition of the phrase – “I’ll be here all day” is – “I’ll be glued to my desk all day, except for the first couple hours of the morning, during my generous lunch hour, and before my early exit. But, why not call/stop by anyway? I’ve got to check my Facebook account at some point.”

Wisdom from the Cubicle Jungle - 9

Businesses have assorted justifications for work cubicles – brainstorm area, space savings, inexpensive production, social accountability, etc. Physically, the cube is a slightly modified version of an elementary school desk. And this description comfortably fits the hierarchical intent and ensuing behavior. The cube dwellers are the incorrigible third graders, and the neighboring office dwellers are the real adults. Born from the careful observations of a novice cube dweller, this series is an attempt to identify the complex rules of the cubicle jungle. Don’t be alarmed if some rules seem contradictory.

41) While job-hunting, you should maximize your efficiency by sharing the workload with a cube-mate. As a team, you can visit twice the websites and enjoy the social rewards of collaboration. It’s not like your next job is going to find itself!

42) It is permissible to spice up your day by playing a little game called – “Social Networking Jinx.” When stumbling on the same facebook post, the cube dweller that is last to type or say “LOL” has to buy a coke for the other. (On a side-note, please see the ADNW post “LOL must die” for our official position on that acronym.)

43) When a cube neighbor talks all day about a big party / social outing that evening, it is polite to play dumb when he/she calls in sick the next day with the beer flu.

44) It is expected you will arrive late to work most days. If anyone even notices, a standard dismissive excuse will suffice – traffic, dog vomited, shoulder shrug, etc.

45) However, when you arrive obnoxiously late (general guideline is 45 plus minutes), an interesting anecdote will be required. Your job status will not be impacted one way or the other, but your social standing in the jungle can suffer if you fail to deliver the appropriate entertainment value.

Wisdom from the Cubicle Jungle - 8

Businesses have assorted justifications for work cubicles – brainstorm area, space savings, inexpensive production, social accountability, etc. Physically, the cube is a slightly modified version of an elementary school desk. And this description comfortably fits the hierarchical intent and ensuing behavior. The cube dwellers are the incorrigible third graders, and the neighboring office dwellers are the real adults. Born from the careful observations of a novice cube dweller, this series is an attempt to identify the complex rules of the cubicle jungle. Don’t be alarmed if some rules seem contradictory.

36) Bring the drama. Your anecdotal life should mimic a soap opera. Everything has to be the worst or best, and there is no room for bland. Consider it your duty, because cube dwellers bore easily.

37) If your cubicle neighbor is in the midst of her 3^rd or 4^th phone call that requires the phrase, “I don’t know, what are you doing?” This is a cry for help. It is your job to help relieve her obvious boredom by dropping by to have an extended social break.

38) If your cube neighbor has a relationship in transition, it’s urgent to make sure she knows how much you care by interrogating her about the daily details of the evolving romance.

39) When someone is fired, it is expected that you will gossip in hushed tones. Certainly not so hushed as to be inaudible to the rest of the jungle, because that would also be rude. It’s more like a small child attempting a whisper – you can still be heard plainly at a distance, but you are able to express the appropriate respectful sentiment.

40) If overwhelmed with work, the best practice is to do nothing. Why let the weight of responsibility weigh you down when facebook is calling?

Wisdom from the Cubicle Jungle - 7

Businesses have assorted justifications for work cubicles – brainstorm area, space savings, inexpensive production, social accountability, etc. Physically, the cube is a slightly modified version of an elementary school desk. And this description comfortably fits the hierarchical intent and ensuing behavior. The cube dwellers are the incorrigible third graders, and the neighboring office dwellers are the real adults. Born from the careful observations of a novice cube dweller, this series is an attempt to identify the complex rules of the cubicle jungle. Don’t be alarmed if some rules seem contradictory.

31) Do not walk to a neighboring cubicle or office, when communicating via phone or email will suffice. It’s not just the exercise. Interpersonal skills are hard.

32) If it’s a convenient location, your cubicle is a perfectly reasonable place to hang out on days off. The casual attire and persistent web surfing will not only blend in with your neighbors, but passing supervisors probably won’t even notice you’re off duty.

33) When doing your on-line shopping, do not forget to accessorize. Seriously, what kind of idiot doesn’t pause to shop for matching shoes, handbag, and lingerie?

34) If your online purchase won’t be available for timely free delivery, you have no other choice but to call local stores. If this means you need to idly stay on hold for extensive parts of your workday, then so be it.

35) When in need of a minor medical procedure, obviously you’ll have to make that appointment by phone…while at your cube. The bonus is that the rest of the community gets to hear all about your pap smear, breast exam, or boil.

Wisdom from the Cubicle Jungle - 6

Businesses have assorted justifications for work cubicles – brainstorm area, space savings, inexpensive production, social accountability, etc. Physically, the cube is a slightly modified version of an elementary school desk. And this description comfortably fits the hierarchical intent and ensuing behavior. The cube dwellers are the incorrigible third graders, and the neighboring office dwellers are the real adults. Born from the careful observations of a novice cube dweller, this series is an attempt to identify the complex rules of the cubicle jungle. Don’t be alarmed if some rules seem contradictory.

26) If you absolutely must work on Friday, it’s time to take the gloves off. Go ahead and openly gossip about boys, girls, dating, or whatever random crap comes to mind. And, don’t spare the volume for your lengthy conversation about body shots, recreational drug use, and getting hammered. The more likely your cubicle neighbors are to blush, the better.

27) When you bother to begin a conversation with professional content, it is expected you will progress into gossip and opinions of reality show contestants. Don’t guard your volume either. The professional opening qualifies the entirety of the interaction as not throwing the lack of productivity in your boss’s teeth.

28) Phone intensive work is the lowest of all job duties and therefore it is not necessary nor encouraged to actually have any particular phone skills. Awkward introductions, poorly constructed discussion, no actual knowledge of the topic, and failing to say goodbye is standard practice.

29) As long as a lengthy phone conversation is accompanied only by quiet laughter, everyone will agree to pretend it’s work related. Furthermore, you won’t be judged when you conclude with, “I love you too!”

30) If you feel obligated to act slightly surreptitious with your personal conversations, texting is a brilliant option. Everyone will pretend nothing is happening when your phone audibly vibrates every 17 seconds.

Wisdom from the Cubicle Jungle - 5

Businesses have assorted justifications for work cubicles – brainstorm area, space savings, inexpensive production, social accountability, etc. Physically, the cube is a slightly modified version of an elementary school desk. And this description comfortably fits the hierarchical intent and ensuing behavior. The cube dwellers are the incorrigible third graders, and the neighboring office dwellers are the real adults. Born from the careful observations of a novice cube dweller, this series is an attempt to identify the complex rules of the cubicle jungle. Don’t be alarmed if some rules seem contradictory.

21) You’ll only miss the constant droning of the jungle loudmouth on a day when you’re audibly gassy.

22) The appropriate timeframe for cubicle junglemates to transition from first introduction into personal conversation (breakups, job dissatisfaction) is as long as it takes to execute that first introduction.

23) If forced to engage in phone conversation, you should indicate your impatience with the caller by inserting repeated “mm-hmm” filler at a staccato pace. If your tone of voice hasn’t already tipped the caller off that you’re bored with them, this will help.

24) After having an overly contentious phone conversation, it is acceptable to immediately repeat that conversation to a neighboring cube dweller - bonus points for adding minor embellishments and speaking at the same volume.

25) When your supervisor closes his/her paper-thin office door for a private conversation, that’s a cue to listen more intently.

Wisdom from the Cubicle Jungle - 4

Businesses have assorted justifications for work cubicles – brainstorm area, space savings, inexpensive production, social accountability, etc. Physically, the cube is a slightly modified version of an elementary school desk. And this description comfortably fits the hierarchical intent and ensuing behavior. The cube dwellers are the incorrigible third graders, and the neighboring office dwellers are the real adults. Born from the careful observations of a novice cube dweller, this series is an attempt to identify the complex rules of the cubicle jungle. Don’t be alarmed if some rules seem contradictory.

16) If you are tragically obligated to cap your lunch at just an hour (supposing your boss is a prude and actually paying attention), you can still overcome the misfortune. A clever cube dweller will spend “lunch” hour screwing around, and after that eat lunch casually at your desk (while on the clock and perhaps with a friend).

17) Because of frequent days off, it’s courteous to begin wishing coworkers a nice weekend as early as Wednesday.

18) If you get bored on your personal phone call, it’s perfectly acceptable to cruise a social networking site simultaneously. Coworkers will be more than impressed with your adept multi-nontasking, and your friend will probably never know.

19) When your boss isn’t in, it’s not a bad idea to chill out in his/her office. The real players will have a friend or friends join him/her and shut the door for more private revelry.

20) It’s polite to talk loudly on the phone. Ideally, you will help fellow cube mates camouflage their overly loud and inappropriate conversations.

Wisdom from the Cubicle Jungle - 3

Businesses have assorted justifications for work cubicles – brainstorm area, space savings, inexpensive production, social accountability, etc. Physically, the cube is a slightly modified version of an elementary school desk. And this description comfortably fits the hierarchical intent and ensuing behavior. The cube dwellers are the incorrigible third graders, and the neighboring office dwellers are the real adults. Born from the careful observations of a novice cube dweller, this series is an attempt to identify the complex rules of the cubicle jungle. Don’t be alarmed if some rules seem contradictory.

11) It is possible to get bored of facebook and youtube, so you must have a healthy set of back up websites to cruise (CNN, People, ESPN, ADNW). And just consider the bonus - you might just impress other cube dwellers with your diverse set of interests.

12) If you worry that your cubicle neighbor may not check your shared social-networking site in a reasonable amount of time, you should verbally tell him/her that you just posted a comment on his/her home page. Then if you still aren’t sure – ask again if he/she sees the comment, wait for the eagerly anticipated laughter, and discuss the content further in person.

13) The longest part of the day is when your screw-around partner leaves for a long lunch and you’re bored enough to do actual work.

14) Wear a lot of gaudy jewelry and jiggle it around with purpose when walking through the cube jungle.

15) If you’re a dude, maximize your creepy factor by slowing noticeably when passing a cute girl’s cube. Feel free to give her an extra careful look-over, while coyly tilting your head to gain particular notoriety.

Wisdom from the Cubicle Jungle - 2

Businesses have assorted justifications for work cubicles – brainstorm area, space savings, inexpensive production, social accountability, etc. Physically, the cube is a slightly modified version of an elementary school desk. And this description comfortably fits the hierarchical intent and ensuing behavior. The cube dwellers are the incorrigible third graders, and the neighboring office dwellers are the real adults. Born from the careful observations of a novice cube dweller, this series is an attempt to identify the complex rules of the cubicle jungle. Don’t be alarmed if some rules seem contradictory.

6) If you intend to have a conversation about politics, child rearing, or the evils of technology, it is NOT necessary to keep your voice down. It is perfectly acceptable to have these potentially inflammatory conversations at maximum volume.

7) If you find something particularly salacious while cruising the web, it's best to share it with the person in the neighboring cubicle. After all, you'll need someone to launch into a long and detailed conversation with about the inappropriate content.

8) When having regularly scheduled personal conversations, why shout from one cubicle to the other, when you can just go sit in the same cubicle together?

9) If you choose to wear flip-flops to work, it's best to walk quickly. It may be particularly noisy and draw attention to your casual footwear, but you'll be through the area so quickly, that people with bad necks may not necessarily be able to identify you.

10) If you are in the sightline of your supervisor and just can’t get enough down time worked into your schedule, take very frequent bathroom breaks. That way, you at least get to go look around, see what others are up to, and take a refreshing walk.

Wisdom from the Cubicle Jungle - 1

Businesses have assorted justifications for work cubicles – brainstorm area, space savings, inexpensive production, social accountability, etc. Physically, the cube is a slightly modified version of an elementary school desk. And this description comfortably fits the hierarchical intent and ensuing behavior. The cube dwellers are the incorrigible third graders, and the neighboring office dwellers are the real adults. Born from the careful observations of a novice cube dweller, this series is an attempt to identify the complex rules of the cubicle jungle. Don’t be alarmed if some rules seem contradictory.

1) If you plan to spend an exorbitant amount of time cruising facebook and youtube, it's a good idea to have an actual work screen available that you can quickly flash to if you think your boss might be approaching.

2) Being especially attentive to approaching footsteps is not necessary. Much like the 5-second rule for food, as long as someone approaching can only see your zany youtube video for 5 seconds or less, it didn't really happen.

3) If other higher level employees (including your bosses superiors) are looking over your shoulder, it is not at all necessary to disguise your lack of productivity. Just keep scrolling through those party pictures from last weekend.

4) When you are actually attempting to have a non-work related conversation, it is preferable to lower your voice to avoid attracting attention to the fact that you're screwing around. No one will really recognize that the constant giggling is not due to something job related.

5) If you have to read a newspaper article while killing time at another person's cubicle, it is best to read it out loud.