Here's a genuine beer enthusiast. You can smell a bowl full of jolly on his breath. You know there's a place where this guy is "Norm."
Saturday, February 28, 2009
Feelin Groovy
Here's a genuine beer enthusiast. You can smell a bowl full of jolly on his breath. You know there's a place where this guy is "Norm."
ACQUIRED TASTES – Part 4 of 4
I’m no expert (on much of anything), but I think Darwin, or some relevant scientist, would explain distasteful things as natures warning to stay away. Therefore, acquiring a taste is contrary to my assumptions of the function of poisons and natural selection and such. But, to hell with Darwin! Perhaps it’s human nature to acquire tastes after all. Somehow we opt to overcome distasteful things if the payoff is good enough.
Many say coffee is worth it. Excessive caffeine tends to make me sick to my stomach, not super awake or alert. I doubt I’ll ever agree, but that’s just me. I get beer – there’s a buzz or mellowing. What’s still befuddles me is the existence of acquired taste people. We’ve all known them. There’s one in every crowd.
Here I’ll label these acquired taste folks – assholes. And, I don’t just loosely use the terminology because it’s a charming vulgarity (although that’s usually reason enough for me). In addition, I think the term asshole evokes appropriate imagery, while incorporating multiple senses – sight, smell, perhaps touch, taste??? (Ewwww). I could take the analogy further by expanding on how they spew shit and so on, but I think you get the idea.
We could debate valid excuses for being an asshole - difficult circumstance, temporary insanity. I was drunk. I haven’t had my coffee yet. I’m not a morning person. I’m having my period. These explanations in essence are suggesting, “Catch me later, when I won’t suck.” Perhaps that’s true for most. But, there are full time assholes where no dose of caffeine, sleep or beer will diminish their assholeness.
Love or hate Mr. Bonds, this guy is a world renowned acquired taste.
I think forgiveness is great. Sure you can give a break, because we’ve all had our bad days. But I’m not sure what justifies acquiring the taste for an asshole, unless perhaps if it’s family. Don’t get me wrong. I’m not advocating the total elimination of acquired tastes. Clearly coffee, beer and assholes are inextricably woven into the fabric of our society. They provide some necessary texture. In fact, acquired tastes lower the bar for everything else. After a mouthful of coffee, water to me seems like a cold glass of sex.
I have to conclude, like it or not, acquired tastes will persist. Just pardon me if failing to “beat ‘em” I don’t concede to simply “join ‘em.” You’ll catch me gravitating toward Norm and places where “everybody knows your name, and they’re always glad I came.”
Many say coffee is worth it. Excessive caffeine tends to make me sick to my stomach, not super awake or alert. I doubt I’ll ever agree, but that’s just me. I get beer – there’s a buzz or mellowing. What’s still befuddles me is the existence of acquired taste people. We’ve all known them. There’s one in every crowd.
Here I’ll label these acquired taste folks – assholes. And, I don’t just loosely use the terminology because it’s a charming vulgarity (although that’s usually reason enough for me). In addition, I think the term asshole evokes appropriate imagery, while incorporating multiple senses – sight, smell, perhaps touch, taste??? (Ewwww). I could take the analogy further by expanding on how they spew shit and so on, but I think you get the idea.
We could debate valid excuses for being an asshole - difficult circumstance, temporary insanity. I was drunk. I haven’t had my coffee yet. I’m not a morning person. I’m having my period. These explanations in essence are suggesting, “Catch me later, when I won’t suck.” Perhaps that’s true for most. But, there are full time assholes where no dose of caffeine, sleep or beer will diminish their assholeness.
Love or hate Mr. Bonds, this guy is a world renowned acquired taste.I think forgiveness is great. Sure you can give a break, because we’ve all had our bad days. But I’m not sure what justifies acquiring the taste for an asshole, unless perhaps if it’s family. Don’t get me wrong. I’m not advocating the total elimination of acquired tastes. Clearly coffee, beer and assholes are inextricably woven into the fabric of our society. They provide some necessary texture. In fact, acquired tastes lower the bar for everything else. After a mouthful of coffee, water to me seems like a cold glass of sex.
I have to conclude, like it or not, acquired tastes will persist. Just pardon me if failing to “beat ‘em” I don’t concede to simply “join ‘em.” You’ll catch me gravitating toward Norm and places where “everybody knows your name, and they’re always glad I came.”
Sunday, February 22, 2009
ACQUIRED TASTES – Part 3 of 4
The acquired taste principle also applies to beer. I will readily admit that at first sip, I thought for sure I’d just had a dose of dog’s ass. Like a little girl fleeing a rabid Doberman, I went running and screaming back to wine coolers. Of course, that was okay in the late 80’s, because Bruce Willis had assured me Seagram’s Golden Wine Coolers were the tits. (By the way, if you’ve never had wine coolers, there’s no acquired taste. Its fizzy, fermented Kool-Aid. And, yes – I eventually discovered wine coolers were about as masculine as ordering a Shirley Temple, while singing along to High School Musical 3).
However, peer pressure, economics, and supply and demand were eventually persuasion enough to bring me home to beer. Don’t credit flavor for the transition. I acquired the taste. They say repetition is the key to learning. My educational experience was forcing down a lot of random keg beer, because that’s what was available. The underage crowd doesn’t have the option of pulling up a stool between Cliff and Norm. If you wanted to get your drunk on (which is a primary goal for many college students), you just had to figure it out. Hell, I knew my palate was totally brainwashed when I started settling for whatever case they priced $5.99 – Busch, Stroh’s, or any beer branded with the term Ice (higher alcohol content).
Okay, so they don't know your name. But, it's fun to say you've been.
Perhaps if coffee were sold by the keg and caffeine gave me the illusion of having a chance with the ladies, I would have strapped a coffee keg on my back, while sitting for hours listening to another rousing rendition of Smelly Cat, and trying to maintain eye contact with Jennifer Anniston. But, that’s not what coffee is about. It’s not the product that’s important. It’s the effect. If raw pork made you feel good, you might start expanding your horizons to licking pigs. After a great deal of repetition, I finally thought – huh, beer isn’t ass. Sure, you might have to stare into a lot of porcelain and become susceptible to a lot of compromising behavior along the way, but eventually you do acquire that taste.
However, peer pressure, economics, and supply and demand were eventually persuasion enough to bring me home to beer. Don’t credit flavor for the transition. I acquired the taste. They say repetition is the key to learning. My educational experience was forcing down a lot of random keg beer, because that’s what was available. The underage crowd doesn’t have the option of pulling up a stool between Cliff and Norm. If you wanted to get your drunk on (which is a primary goal for many college students), you just had to figure it out. Hell, I knew my palate was totally brainwashed when I started settling for whatever case they priced $5.99 – Busch, Stroh’s, or any beer branded with the term Ice (higher alcohol content).
Okay, so they don't know your name. But, it's fun to say you've been.Perhaps if coffee were sold by the keg and caffeine gave me the illusion of having a chance with the ladies, I would have strapped a coffee keg on my back, while sitting for hours listening to another rousing rendition of Smelly Cat, and trying to maintain eye contact with Jennifer Anniston. But, that’s not what coffee is about. It’s not the product that’s important. It’s the effect. If raw pork made you feel good, you might start expanding your horizons to licking pigs. After a great deal of repetition, I finally thought – huh, beer isn’t ass. Sure, you might have to stare into a lot of porcelain and become susceptible to a lot of compromising behavior along the way, but eventually you do acquire that taste.
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
Empty Chairs and Empty Tables
Grab your Mint Mocha Chip Frappuccino® blended coffee with Chocolate Whipped Cream and have a seat. Car exhaust - no extra charge!(By the way, this is an actual drink from Starbucks menu. I wish I had made it up. At what point do you stop feeling silly placing that order?)
ACQUIRED TASTES – Part 2 of 4
My major issue, and consequential bias, is that I hate coffee. I think that makes me a bit unusual. I just never acquired the taste for it. Now that’s a funny phrase to me – “acquired the taste.” In reality, acquiring a taste sort of means that at first blush the product tastes like shit. What did Mary Poppins say, “Just a spoon full of sugar…?” Guess what - if you need to dose your beverage with a spoon full of sugar, mocha syrup, and sprinkles just to flush it down, then your coffee is the damn medicine!
Yes, there are those purists who take it black (focus perverts – the coffee). Let me start by saying, I’m way impressed with the size of your testicles and truck too. I presume you’re the same folks that only drink Guinness, preferably warm with the prototypical fizz appropriate glass, while sitting comfortably at the bar, in a place you will only refer to as a “pub.” I suspect you’ve also considered yourself a wine snob, publicly referred to yourself as a gourmet cook, and have a bitchin' casserole you take to family reunions. I’m thrilled for you and your superior palate. But, this part isn’t about you. You’re not the dude the big time coffee shop is making the rent off of (score a point for the bar with that Guinness fixation, though). They capitalize on the decaf, half-caf, latte, frozen and whipped crowd.
Fancy toppings or not, I never managed to get past that first coffee encounter. Now, be honest with yourself my dear coffee enthusiasts, when you first tasted coffee you didn’t exactly have an oral orgasm either. I suspect there was a considerable transitional period between wincing and twitching (twitching being how you look today if deprived of coffee for a few moments). Part of the allure is that it was forbidden fruit, since we were told it would stunt your growth, shrink your nuts, and such. But you persevered because you wanted or needed to acquire the taste. Perhaps you also thought if you held your cup just like Chandler, you might suddenly sprout a sense of humor and score Monica too. I think most people just thought it made them look all grown up, or heard the caffeine was dreamy, or whatever. A moral to the story is that rather than having an instant coffee love affair, the taste was acquired.
Yes, there are those purists who take it black (focus perverts – the coffee). Let me start by saying, I’m way impressed with the size of your testicles and truck too. I presume you’re the same folks that only drink Guinness, preferably warm with the prototypical fizz appropriate glass, while sitting comfortably at the bar, in a place you will only refer to as a “pub.” I suspect you’ve also considered yourself a wine snob, publicly referred to yourself as a gourmet cook, and have a bitchin' casserole you take to family reunions. I’m thrilled for you and your superior palate. But, this part isn’t about you. You’re not the dude the big time coffee shop is making the rent off of (score a point for the bar with that Guinness fixation, though). They capitalize on the decaf, half-caf, latte, frozen and whipped crowd.
Fancy toppings or not, I never managed to get past that first coffee encounter. Now, be honest with yourself my dear coffee enthusiasts, when you first tasted coffee you didn’t exactly have an oral orgasm either. I suspect there was a considerable transitional period between wincing and twitching (twitching being how you look today if deprived of coffee for a few moments). Part of the allure is that it was forbidden fruit, since we were told it would stunt your growth, shrink your nuts, and such. But you persevered because you wanted or needed to acquire the taste. Perhaps you also thought if you held your cup just like Chandler, you might suddenly sprout a sense of humor and score Monica too. I think most people just thought it made them look all grown up, or heard the caffeine was dreamy, or whatever. A moral to the story is that rather than having an instant coffee love affair, the taste was acquired.
Monday, February 16, 2009
Greetings
I've got two captions for this picture.Selection 1 - Ladies, meet the ladies!
Selection 2 - I learned my lesson in grade school and took a picture, so it would last longer.
ACQUIRED TASTES – Part 1 of 4
Judge me as you will, but I don’t understand the coffee shop craze. In my opinion, it’s a remnant of the sitcom Friends. Which, as you surely recall, prominently used a coffee shop set. My assumption is that their coffee shop was an attempt to simulate a bar like environment (a la Cheers). But, it strategically provided a more wholesome setting for the youthful characters (and a not so subtle departure from the loveable, yet not so pretty Norm). Consequently, Friends launched or at least proliferated an industry (of course, this is just my version of history, although now that it’s in writing, it must be true). Admittedly, it’s ironic to claim Friends was concerned about appearing righteous when at the same time the sitcom did more for erect nipples than Freon. But, this is where we are. The Starbucks phenomenon is sort of like Frazier following Cheers.
My quandary is that in the real world, there’s no way a coffee shop can replace a bar environment. Other than having a muted bohemian feel, there’s no real element of excitement. There’s no sustainable atmosphere. Perhaps if I’m feeling particularly narcissistic or masochistic, I might check out open mic night, but I’m sure as hell not sticking around for the after party. What would that even look like? A couple dudes playing a heated game of Trivial Pursuit? And sure, I can surf the web for hours on free wireless, but who wants 12 lattes with his wings, and decreasingly covert boob ogling? The discrepancy is alcohol. Millions of religious fundamentalists will disagree, but alcohol is marvelous social lubricant. Coffee is not. Coffee gets you jacked up and makes you want to have a slap fight with a gorilla. And amusingly, in spite of the fact that it’s a place where nobody knows your name, the coffee shop still bothers to offer seats. More astounding is that I have actually seen people occupying tables. Perhaps I could understand hanging out and taking in the ambiance of the outdoor, café style tables. Maybe. But, that’s just because I’m assuming these devotees are passing a joint between frappuccino and espresso rounds.
My quandary is that in the real world, there’s no way a coffee shop can replace a bar environment. Other than having a muted bohemian feel, there’s no real element of excitement. There’s no sustainable atmosphere. Perhaps if I’m feeling particularly narcissistic or masochistic, I might check out open mic night, but I’m sure as hell not sticking around for the after party. What would that even look like? A couple dudes playing a heated game of Trivial Pursuit? And sure, I can surf the web for hours on free wireless, but who wants 12 lattes with his wings, and decreasingly covert boob ogling? The discrepancy is alcohol. Millions of religious fundamentalists will disagree, but alcohol is marvelous social lubricant. Coffee is not. Coffee gets you jacked up and makes you want to have a slap fight with a gorilla. And amusingly, in spite of the fact that it’s a place where nobody knows your name, the coffee shop still bothers to offer seats. More astounding is that I have actually seen people occupying tables. Perhaps I could understand hanging out and taking in the ambiance of the outdoor, café style tables. Maybe. But, that’s just because I’m assuming these devotees are passing a joint between frappuccino and espresso rounds.
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
Hot Air Balloon Jesus
As the Doobie Brothers said, “Jesus Is Just Alright With Me.” But, am I the only one who finds this version creepy at best, if not outright terrifying?
DJ BJ's Band Names 3 - Answer Key
Due to a combination of questionable humor value, lazy readership, and perhaps some light complexity, I present the Band Names 3 Answer Key. This is for those of you that are:
a) too shy to ask questions (for fear of looking like a loser).
b) too polite (preserving my ever so fragile ego).
c) just not that interested in the first place.
Anyway, here’s some explanatory discussion.
Answer Key 21 - 30
21) You may be familiar with the term “beer dick,” or “whiskey dick.” If not, the meaning of all the above is lack of timely erection due to excessive alcohol. Or, to “use the parlance of our times,” this is chemically enhanced erectile dysfunction. “This Never Happened to Me Before” is a reference to the classic line a man utters when his unit fails at a critical moment.
22) This is fairly straightforward. The band has essentially won the lottery by getting the opportunity to go on a long tour with a band called “Drunken Sluts” which you should assume are a pack of easy girls.
23) “Yellow Puddles” refers to pee puddles. These meager guys (aka - the editors) apparently frighten easily and tend to pee themselves. They aren’t especially fond of bright lights and big stages, but you might coerce them into playing a song for you if things are calm and quiet.
24) “Aromatherapy” is the cultural phenomena associating pleasant smells with therapeutic treatment. “Dutch Oven” is the practical joke on a significant other where you fart in bed and pull the covers over his/her head, subjecting the other party to a high dose of your ass smell. Certainly this would be the opposite of a relaxing environment. “Skid Mark” is the little stain one leaves in the underpants when a fart goes wet.
25) “Inaugural” is a timely reference to the incoming President, and “Ball” is a double entendre that speaks of a formal dance and testicles (what else). “Down Under” is another double entendre for Australia and the crotch region, and being “Loaded with the Seeds of Change” is a reference to the new Presidents change platform as well as semen. Very progressive on my part, yes?
26) Hopefully you spotted the highlighted letters spelling out the alcohol drink (thanks again to the editors for making this more difficult than it needs to be). After that, the gin maker is obvious, and the condom producer is based off the actual name of the band.
27) Similar to 26, but about beer. Showing skin (“Busts”) certainly earns some extra favors, this case in the form of beer from our sponsor. Throw in the lingerie reference, and the visual is complete.
28) This is a genuine attempt at mixing the world of science and the world of sophomoric humor. “Joules” happens to sound like jewels, as in testicles. The joule happens to be an international unit of energy (unit here referring to penis). Although I couldn’t pretend to define joule in better detail, I was sold when unit met with joule.
29) I might be too pleased with this one, but I can’t help it. The “Seasonal Pubes” part is fairly simple – changing pubic hair with the season (warm and cold weather influences). “Carpet Matches Drapes” is a reference to the old, “Is she dying her hair?” question, suggesting potential for spotting a dye job by seeing the pubic hair. The “Hard Wood” part is suggesting that in the summer, I just shave it clean and get an erection. It’s compellingly graphic when I say it that way.
30) This is referring to foreskin and a particularly large penis that casts a formidable shadow.
a) too shy to ask questions (for fear of looking like a loser).
b) too polite (preserving my ever so fragile ego).
c) just not that interested in the first place.
Anyway, here’s some explanatory discussion.
Answer Key 21 - 30
21) You may be familiar with the term “beer dick,” or “whiskey dick.” If not, the meaning of all the above is lack of timely erection due to excessive alcohol. Or, to “use the parlance of our times,” this is chemically enhanced erectile dysfunction. “This Never Happened to Me Before” is a reference to the classic line a man utters when his unit fails at a critical moment.
22) This is fairly straightforward. The band has essentially won the lottery by getting the opportunity to go on a long tour with a band called “Drunken Sluts” which you should assume are a pack of easy girls.
23) “Yellow Puddles” refers to pee puddles. These meager guys (aka - the editors) apparently frighten easily and tend to pee themselves. They aren’t especially fond of bright lights and big stages, but you might coerce them into playing a song for you if things are calm and quiet.
24) “Aromatherapy” is the cultural phenomena associating pleasant smells with therapeutic treatment. “Dutch Oven” is the practical joke on a significant other where you fart in bed and pull the covers over his/her head, subjecting the other party to a high dose of your ass smell. Certainly this would be the opposite of a relaxing environment. “Skid Mark” is the little stain one leaves in the underpants when a fart goes wet.
25) “Inaugural” is a timely reference to the incoming President, and “Ball” is a double entendre that speaks of a formal dance and testicles (what else). “Down Under” is another double entendre for Australia and the crotch region, and being “Loaded with the Seeds of Change” is a reference to the new Presidents change platform as well as semen. Very progressive on my part, yes?
26) Hopefully you spotted the highlighted letters spelling out the alcohol drink (thanks again to the editors for making this more difficult than it needs to be). After that, the gin maker is obvious, and the condom producer is based off the actual name of the band.
27) Similar to 26, but about beer. Showing skin (“Busts”) certainly earns some extra favors, this case in the form of beer from our sponsor. Throw in the lingerie reference, and the visual is complete.
28) This is a genuine attempt at mixing the world of science and the world of sophomoric humor. “Joules” happens to sound like jewels, as in testicles. The joule happens to be an international unit of energy (unit here referring to penis). Although I couldn’t pretend to define joule in better detail, I was sold when unit met with joule.
29) I might be too pleased with this one, but I can’t help it. The “Seasonal Pubes” part is fairly simple – changing pubic hair with the season (warm and cold weather influences). “Carpet Matches Drapes” is a reference to the old, “Is she dying her hair?” question, suggesting potential for spotting a dye job by seeing the pubic hair. The “Hard Wood” part is suggesting that in the summer, I just shave it clean and get an erection. It’s compellingly graphic when I say it that way.
30) This is referring to foreskin and a particularly large penis that casts a formidable shadow.
Saturday, February 7, 2009
Who’s the Jackass?
I know he’s going for authentic Virginia City miner. But, all I see is naughty Santa who thinks my friend “sure got a pretty mouth.”
DJ BJ's Band Names 3
I’m excited to introduce the third edition of Band Names. Although I don’t have a band (yet – still crossing my fingers), these are a selection of names I think merit serious consideration, plus an imaginative biographical blurb.
Band Names 21 - 30
21) “Whiskey Junk”
We’re hesitant to announce the release of our first album “This Has Never Happened to Me Before.”
22) “Instant Winner”
We’re thrilled to announce that we’re going on an extended tour with the “Drunken Sluts.”
23) “Yellow Puddles”
We’re a bunch of meager guys, but if you’re polite we’ll play our song, “Don’t Shout.”
24) “Aromatherapy”
We were critically panned for our song “Dutch Oven,” but we have high expectations for the upcoming release, “Skid Mark.”
25) “Inaugural Balls”
We were already huge Down Under. Now we're taking over the World with our smash hit "Loaded with the Seeds of Change."
26) “Girls In Need”
Thanks to our sponsors T*ngueray and Trojans.
27) “Busts Earn Extra Rock”
Thanks to our sponsors R*lling Rock and Victoria’s Secret.
28) “Family Joules”
Catch our international tour “Unit of Energy.”
29) “Seasonal Pubes”
You’re familiar with our album, “Carpet Matches Drapes.” Stay tuned for our summer remix, “Hard Wood Matches Drapes.”
30) “Fore-shadow”
Check out our song “Large Exposed Unit in the Sun” from our first album “Uncut Dudes.”
Stay tuned for the upcoming answer key, and at a future date another heart pounding edition of Band Names!
Band Names 21 - 30
21) “Whiskey Junk”
We’re hesitant to announce the release of our first album “This Has Never Happened to Me Before.”
22) “Instant Winner”
We’re thrilled to announce that we’re going on an extended tour with the “Drunken Sluts.”
23) “Yellow Puddles”
We’re a bunch of meager guys, but if you’re polite we’ll play our song, “Don’t Shout.”
24) “Aromatherapy”
We were critically panned for our song “Dutch Oven,” but we have high expectations for the upcoming release, “Skid Mark.”
25) “Inaugural Balls”
We were already huge Down Under. Now we're taking over the World with our smash hit "Loaded with the Seeds of Change."
26) “Girls In Need”
Thanks to our sponsors T*ngueray and Trojans.
27) “Busts Earn Extra Rock”
Thanks to our sponsors R*lling Rock and Victoria’s Secret.
28) “Family Joules”
Catch our international tour “Unit of Energy.”
29) “Seasonal Pubes”
You’re familiar with our album, “Carpet Matches Drapes.” Stay tuned for our summer remix, “Hard Wood Matches Drapes.”
30) “Fore-shadow”
Check out our song “Large Exposed Unit in the Sun” from our first album “Uncut Dudes.”
Stay tuned for the upcoming answer key, and at a future date another heart pounding edition of Band Names!
Wednesday, February 4, 2009
The Original "That Guy"
His internal monologue at this moment in time, "Yeah, that's right ladies. Drink me up!"I thought this picture would be somewhat timely with the recent appearance of his team in the Superbowl. This was back when T.O. played for the Niners, and this dude was the only Cardinals fan in the meager crowd. He started one fight, and got kicked out twice, only to magically reappear (to the chagrin of thousands of people) in his seat a short time later. No matter where I go and what I see, this guy will always be my prototype for the inebriated uber fan. This is my personal salute to “That Guy.”
DJ BJ's Band Names 2 - Answer Key
Due to a combination of questionable humor value, lazy readership, and perhaps some light complexity, I present the Band Names 2 Answer Key. This is for those of you that are:
a) too shy to ask questions (for fear of looking like a loser).
b) too polite (preserving my ever so fragile ego).
c) just not that interested in the first place.
Anyway, here’s some explanatory discussion.
Answer Key 11 - 20
11) “Scratch N Sniff” is a reference to the 80’s-ish fad. In case you’re not familiar, it’s the phenomenon where you scratch the surface of a paper then smell some relevant fragrance, preferably thematically related to a picture or statement. Certainly one that reeks of “Ass” can’t be so pleasant, and buffing the pooper is just meant to be a slightly upgraded version. It’s not super clever, but the visual made me smile. So, here it is.
12) “Jug” is another less than imaginative version of boobs. The “Beggar” part is self-explanatory. It indicates going beyond a polite request. Literally, I’m referring to panhandling style desperation. The “Tequila Shots” part is a basic explanation for this allegedly creepy behavior. (Who knew)?
13) “Charmin” is obviously a reference to toilet paper. The “Panic Wipe” part is regarding those few inevitable and terrible moments in life when you don’t have this precious commodity.
14) “Afro” obviously refers to the popular 70’s hairstyle, and the “Underpants” goes back to the crotch region. Put it together and you have a full, retro style genital bush (pubic hair). Feel free to visualize. “Goody Trail” is the affectionate terminology for the hair leading toward the nether region.
15) “Sack” is about testicles again, and of course the “Deflated” thing is having your testes removed or rendered innocuous. “Matrimony” or marriage is intended to humorously fuse the two – as in, getting married means you give up your testicles.
16) This one I’m particularly proud of. Indigo is a shade darker on the rainbow than blue. Therefore it was a suggestion that the sexual frustration is to a greater degree than a standard set of blue balls.
17) Nothing imaginative here. Just using the old reference for feeling a chick up (“copping a feel”) with my new one. “Jug Hands” just means having hands full of boob. In retrospect, this might have had more pop with a better boob synonym.
18) No, I’m not talking about coffee. The cup I’m referring to is the testicle protection type (big surprise here). Bottomless and infinite is suggesting super sized genitalia (again, shocking right?).
19) Crown view is a vulgar suggestion of looking at the top of some chick’s head, therefore necessitating her being on her knees. Fill in the blank with a dose of oral sex.
20) “Flesh” implies a sexual organ, which you would hope to have handled, so to speak. “Hand Full of Love” is somewhat repetitive, but you can really get crude and believe that the “Hand” gets filled up with something else. I've been asked not to specify.
a) too shy to ask questions (for fear of looking like a loser).
b) too polite (preserving my ever so fragile ego).
c) just not that interested in the first place.
Anyway, here’s some explanatory discussion.
Answer Key 11 - 20
11) “Scratch N Sniff” is a reference to the 80’s-ish fad. In case you’re not familiar, it’s the phenomenon where you scratch the surface of a paper then smell some relevant fragrance, preferably thematically related to a picture or statement. Certainly one that reeks of “Ass” can’t be so pleasant, and buffing the pooper is just meant to be a slightly upgraded version. It’s not super clever, but the visual made me smile. So, here it is.
12) “Jug” is another less than imaginative version of boobs. The “Beggar” part is self-explanatory. It indicates going beyond a polite request. Literally, I’m referring to panhandling style desperation. The “Tequila Shots” part is a basic explanation for this allegedly creepy behavior. (Who knew)?
13) “Charmin” is obviously a reference to toilet paper. The “Panic Wipe” part is regarding those few inevitable and terrible moments in life when you don’t have this precious commodity.
14) “Afro” obviously refers to the popular 70’s hairstyle, and the “Underpants” goes back to the crotch region. Put it together and you have a full, retro style genital bush (pubic hair). Feel free to visualize. “Goody Trail” is the affectionate terminology for the hair leading toward the nether region.
15) “Sack” is about testicles again, and of course the “Deflated” thing is having your testes removed or rendered innocuous. “Matrimony” or marriage is intended to humorously fuse the two – as in, getting married means you give up your testicles.
16) This one I’m particularly proud of. Indigo is a shade darker on the rainbow than blue. Therefore it was a suggestion that the sexual frustration is to a greater degree than a standard set of blue balls.
17) Nothing imaginative here. Just using the old reference for feeling a chick up (“copping a feel”) with my new one. “Jug Hands” just means having hands full of boob. In retrospect, this might have had more pop with a better boob synonym.
18) No, I’m not talking about coffee. The cup I’m referring to is the testicle protection type (big surprise here). Bottomless and infinite is suggesting super sized genitalia (again, shocking right?).
19) Crown view is a vulgar suggestion of looking at the top of some chick’s head, therefore necessitating her being on her knees. Fill in the blank with a dose of oral sex.
20) “Flesh” implies a sexual organ, which you would hope to have handled, so to speak. “Hand Full of Love” is somewhat repetitive, but you can really get crude and believe that the “Hand” gets filled up with something else. I've been asked not to specify.
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