FUN WITH THE FASHION ILLITERATE 6

HAIR 2 - THE MULLET

Is it my imagination, or does ‘Dog the Bounty Hunter’ have a World champion mullet (or mullet wig)? This is a guy who saw Donald Trump’s pelt and did not recoil in horror. Instead, Dog thought, “Man, I need to get me some signature hair.” Add ‘roids, shades, liberal leather, a few stereotypical tats and piercings, and Shazam - he’s a walking cliché. Well played, sir. I believe in the business world they call this sort of shameless self-promotion – “branding.” So, I suppose it works for him. Just don’t go freaking out with the fallout after his show is cancelled. Clearly, he’s the type of guy adept at steering into the skid. There are even odds in his next career he will:

A) Do a washed up reality ‘roids show with Hulk Hogan, Barry Bonds, and Jose Canseco. The shtick is they all try to win their way back into their former profession by competing in a series of ever more humiliating challenges (who has the biggest hat size, who has the lowest sperm count, who can’t fill up a jockstrap, who has the least amount of real hair). Naturally, the show would be hosted / refereed by Jerry Springer.

B) Pronounce himself Supreme Master General Dog of the Hawaiian Militia before leading a doomed march on Washington. Among his demands – spandex and whores.

C) Be on a stripper pole wearing assless chaps.

This angry Mullet Man is carrying a bag of whoop ass!

Setting aside “Dog the Uber-mullet,” the standard mullet (much like the fedora) is marginally acceptable one decade per century maximum. News flash – this isn’t the decade. Any dude that still has a mullet should be pitied to a degree. Dog’s mullet is like McDonald’s golden arches. So, at least he has an excuse. Otherwise, the present day mullet is an indication that the dude’s best years were in the 80’s. Nothing since has inspired the dude to let go of this hairdo he so lovingly nurtured in the rearview mirror of his Fiero and/or Iroc-Z, which he still keeps under a blanket in the front yard. What’s particularly funny to me about the modern mullet is you know these guys at some point need to visit a barber. I would love to hear the conversation as mullet man does his best dance around the term – mullet. I imagine something like this -

Barber: Barely suppressing a snorted laugh, “Joe Dirt! What can I do for you today?”

Joe: “Um, can you just trim it up a bit for me? (Under his breath) Go ahead and leave it long in the back.”

Barber: “Sure thing Gretzke. Business up front and party in the back, right?”

Joe: (Hanging head in defeat) “Ya, that’s right.”

Bottom line – the mullet is funny, and the fashion idiocy is self-evident. Any dude wearing one today equally deserves props and hazing.

Okay, I take it back. Here is the World champion mullet.

Special props to Rory for the Mullet dude pics.

Dog the bounty hunter pic courtesy - inyobusiness.com

FUN WITH THE FASHION ILLITERATE 5

HAIR 1

Unless you can pull off bald or are career military, coif management is a particularly heinous slice of fashion. We struggle to overcome genetic and environmental inequities, some more than others, as we foolishly attempt a particular look we saw on TV (“I want the Rachel Green!”) Then just when you think you’re starting to figure your hairstyle out, fashion changes, your environment changes, your hair turns gray, or it all simply falls out. Some just admit defeat – Donald Trump for example (see more on “Shocking Celebrity Gossip” tab). And in real life, you frequently see folks that have failed to evolve, as evidenced by ancient bouffant hairdo, or a decades old Elvis look. The bottom line is who gives a crap if you’re happy with you, and have the self-esteem to handle awkward stares? Regardless, I still claim mocking rights. This fashion segment is about some favorite hair faux pas.

I promised Mike that I would refer to him as Pedro. Thanks for being a sport, Pedro! We'll give him a pass for this "fashion statement" that was in conjunction with a cancer awareness event (and he wanted to impress the ladies). Bravo Pedro. Bravo.

THE DYE JOB

To the delight of investors (not me) and the occasional cynic (me), international hair dye sales run in the billions of dollars. Among the purposes for hair dye is as perceived beauty aid or fashion statement (a.k.a. - you attend events called ‘Raves’ and/or use the term ‘Emo’ liberally). But aside from highlights and purple streaks, the real emphasis is age denier. It is well documented that men (who still have hair) get to use the word “distinguished.” Women, however, have it especially tough with the going gray thing, and the best remedies don’t tend to come cheaply or easily. Some individuals are more than capable of blending colors and creatively disguising gray, and then there are those this skill has tragically eluded. This is the point where the hair dye practice gets out of hand. To be brutally honest, the older I get the more terrifying I find people over 50 with no gray hair. My personal litmus test for a bad dye job is when at first glance I feel obligated to exclaim, “What the hell?” Some may find that reaction offensive, but it’s like the compulsion to slow down to gawk at a wreck.

One profound example, may he rest in peace, Billy Mays looked like someone took a Sharpie to his dome. And just recently I spotted a woman with an artificial red color that might best be described as - in the shade of disturbing. At some point, it’s time to go with what God gave you. Take it as your sign when small children stop to point at your hair color that somehow has come to closely match a bubblegum colored Crayola. Exception - you’re en route to Burning Man.

Billy Mays photo courtesy - www.pollsb.com

Trump photo courtesy – Moono.com

Something tells me not to piss this lady off

Wisdom from the Cubicle Jungle - 6

Businesses have assorted justifications for work cubicles – brainstorm area, space savings, inexpensive production, social accountability, etc. Physically, the cube is a slightly modified version of an elementary school desk. And this description comfortably fits the hierarchical intent and ensuing behavior. The cube dwellers are the incorrigible third graders, and the neighboring office dwellers are the real adults. Born from the careful observations of a novice cube dweller, this series is an attempt to identify the complex rules of the cubicle jungle. Don’t be alarmed if some rules seem contradictory.

26) If you absolutely must work on Friday, it’s time to take the gloves off. Go ahead and openly gossip about boys, girls, dating, or whatever random crap comes to mind. And, don’t spare the volume for your lengthy conversation about body shots, recreational drug use, and getting hammered. The more likely your cubicle neighbors are to blush, the better.

27) When you bother to begin a conversation with professional content, it is expected you will progress into gossip and opinions of reality show contestants. Don’t guard your volume either. The professional opening qualifies the entirety of the interaction as not throwing the lack of productivity in your boss’s teeth.

28) Phone intensive work is the lowest of all job duties and therefore it is not necessary nor encouraged to actually have any particular phone skills. Awkward introductions, poorly constructed discussion, no actual knowledge of the topic, and failing to say goodbye is standard practice.

29) As long as a lengthy phone conversation is accompanied only by quiet laughter, everyone will agree to pretend it’s work related. Furthermore, you won’t be judged when you conclude with, “I love you too!”

30) If you feel obligated to act slightly surreptitious with your personal conversations, texting is a brilliant option. Everyone will pretend nothing is happening when your phone audibly vibrates every 17 seconds.

Wisdom from the Cubicle Jungle - 5

Businesses have assorted justifications for work cubicles – brainstorm area, space savings, inexpensive production, social accountability, etc. Physically, the cube is a slightly modified version of an elementary school desk. And this description comfortably fits the hierarchical intent and ensuing behavior. The cube dwellers are the incorrigible third graders, and the neighboring office dwellers are the real adults. Born from the careful observations of a novice cube dweller, this series is an attempt to identify the complex rules of the cubicle jungle. Don’t be alarmed if some rules seem contradictory.

21) You’ll only miss the constant droning of the jungle loudmouth on a day when you’re audibly gassy.

22) The appropriate timeframe for cubicle junglemates to transition from first introduction into personal conversation (breakups, job dissatisfaction) is as long as it takes to execute that first introduction.

23) If forced to engage in phone conversation, you should indicate your impatience with the caller by inserting repeated “mm-hmm” filler at a staccato pace. If your tone of voice hasn’t already tipped the caller off that you’re bored with them, this will help.

24) After having an overly contentious phone conversation, it is acceptable to immediately repeat that conversation to a neighboring cube dweller - bonus points for adding minor embellishments and speaking at the same volume.

25) When your supervisor closes his/her paper-thin office door for a private conversation, that’s a cue to listen more intently.

FUN WITH THE FASHION ILLITERATE 4

HATS 4 - VARIOUS

HOODIES

These are just fine in small doses – particularly when it’s cold out. Having the hood up is another matter. The hood up look is a swell sinister look for the “Unabomber” and the Grim Reaper. But when I see some kid hood up sitting in the library, or walking hood up through the mall, I’m not impressed with his ‘sinister-ness.’ Rather, I feel obligated to haze him. The awesome lack of peripheral vision and self-esteem is a prankster’s dream.

FEDORA

I dig the look. And, I really do wish it could fly in the present day. But, the only acceptable time to wear a fedora in the last 50 years has been as part of a Halloween costume. Sadly the fedora died with Sinatra, and I would anticipate it to regain social acceptability only about once a century.

TUQUE / STOCKING CAP

A wide variety of these can be fashionable and practical, which is an infrequent combo. But for clarification, it really should be worn when it’s cold. If that description is too vague, how about - if you’re wearing a t-shirt, you don’t need the tuque. Side note – skateboarders, it’s not much of a stand-in helmet either. Perhaps instead use, I don’t know, maybe a helmet?

LAYERED HEADGEAR

Examples - kerchief under your fedora / baseball hat

Unless it’s under your football helmet or you're in the Arctic, you get extra douchebag points. For some reason, the kerchief under baseball hat went from being ultra-gangsta to reminding me of Kevin Federline. And I think we can all agree (minus Kevin’s mom, maybe) that the carcass of “K-Fed’s” hip-ness lays adjacent Vanilla Ice. But if you insist on doing the layered hat look, you have my blessing. I could always use more funny pictures.

Obviously this one and the Beer box hat were done in fun. Always good to have a sense of humor.

Wisdom from the Cubicle Jungle - 4

Businesses have assorted justifications for work cubicles – brainstorm area, space savings, inexpensive production, social accountability, etc. Physically, the cube is a slightly modified version of an elementary school desk. And this description comfortably fits the hierarchical intent and ensuing behavior. The cube dwellers are the incorrigible third graders, and the neighboring office dwellers are the real adults. Born from the careful observations of a novice cube dweller, this series is an attempt to identify the complex rules of the cubicle jungle. Don’t be alarmed if some rules seem contradictory.

16) If you are tragically obligated to cap your lunch at just an hour (supposing your boss is a prude and actually paying attention), you can still overcome the misfortune. A clever cube dweller will spend “lunch” hour screwing around, and after that eat lunch casually at your desk (while on the clock and perhaps with a friend).

17) Because of frequent days off, it’s courteous to begin wishing coworkers a nice weekend as early as Wednesday.

18) If you get bored on your personal phone call, it’s perfectly acceptable to cruise a social networking site simultaneously. Coworkers will be more than impressed with your adept multi-nontasking, and your friend will probably never know.

19) When your boss isn’t in, it’s not a bad idea to chill out in his/her office. The real players will have a friend or friends join him/her and shut the door for more private revelry.

20) It’s polite to talk loudly on the phone. Ideally, you will help fellow cube mates camouflage their overly loud and inappropriate conversations.

FUN WITH THE FASHION ILLITERATE 3

HATS 3 - VARIOUS

MAN HEAD SCARVES / MOLDED BANDANNA / KERCHIEF

With the obvious exception for medical conditions and religious observance, there are only a couple of excuses for wearing one of these. If you’re not actually on a Harley, adjacent to your Harley, at an establishment that caters to Harley guys with your Harley parked by the front door, or you’re perhaps wearing it under your football helmet, you look like a douchebag.

Wearing your man scarf on the subway is about as appropriate as wearing your prom dress to the swimming pool. And by the way, there’s probably a real Harley guy in your vicinity impatiently waiting for you to get mildly lippy so he can kick your ass.

This guy's just plain funny - we'll be seeing more of him

SWEAT BANDANNAS

You can wear a sweat bandanna if it helps keep the sweat out of your eyes, but don’t think it works off the basketball court. A good clue is if you’re wearing jeans, you should go ahead and keep the bandanna in your pocket.

Picture courtesy of Haloheadband, and yes the rest are funny too

GANGSTA LIDS – flat-billed baseball hats pulled low, sideways, backwards.

This look only works for a few people in a very small age range. And if you’re reading this, it’s not you. Hell, if you know someone that might have read this or discussed reading in general, it’s not you. The side effect, which is fun to observe, is you’re immediately the prime suspect wherever you go. Somebody threw something at someone – you probably did it. Somebody threw the first punch – you probably did it. Somebody might be shoplifting – you’re the guy security is watching. And by the way, there is a real “gangsta” somewhere in your vicinity that is impatiently waiting for you to get mildly lippy so he can kick your ass.

Got a problem with the headgear not matching the Walmart bag and Daiquiri

Orpheus 4 - Barstool Tour

Concert Series!

BARSTOOL TOUR: Robert Earl Keen, Todd Snider & Bruce Robison

Websites:

www.robertearlkeen.com

www.toddsnider.net

www.brucerobison.com

Date: November 3, 2009

Location: Murat Egyptian Room, Indianapolis, IN

Bringing their own brand of Alternative Country, Folk and sweet humorous slice of Americana to a bar stool near you, these three singer songwriters gave this fan and 1000 others an evening full of hits and oddities typically seen on the streets of Austin, Texas. Trading off, one after the other, with stories from the road or playing each others tunes, it was three down to earth guys with their six strings and a true treat.

Robert Earl Keen, the talented Texan Songwriter, opens the show with Feelin’ Good Again followed by a string of his classics taking his fans on a 20 year tour of his accomplishments telling his stories the way only he can. Bruce Robinson took the stage next bringing us some of his hit songs recorded over the last 10 years by the likes of Tim McGraw, the Dixie Chicks and George Strait as well as his own, What Would Willie Do? Closing out the first set, Todd Snider comes to the stage in his typical barefoot way, to a standing O from the local fans who mostly know him for his humor and appearances on the syndicated Bob & Tom Show. Fair weathered or not these people came to have fun and Todd’s own blend of hits after 15 years of acclaimed songwriting left no fan disappointed.

For the second set, our barstool trio, pictured above, took the stage together taking requests from the audience and continuing their legendary portraits in song with the classics The Road Goes On Forever, That Buckin’ Song, and Beer Run the fans sang along bringing the show to its close as it was supposed to be; An intimate, fun filled, raucous, hilarious hell of a good o boy stomp!

Check out these tracks:

REK: That Buckin’ Song; Gringo Honeymoon; Feelin’ Good Again; The Road Goes On Forever

Todd Snider: Alright Guy; Talkin’ Seattle Grunge Rock Blues; Statisticians Blues; Beer Run

Bruce Robison: Wrapped; Travelin’ Soldier; Angry All The Time; What Would Willie Do?

Wisdom from the Cubicle Jungle - 3

Businesses have assorted justifications for work cubicles – brainstorm area, space savings, inexpensive production, social accountability, etc. Physically, the cube is a slightly modified version of an elementary school desk. And this description comfortably fits the hierarchical intent and ensuing behavior. The cube dwellers are the incorrigible third graders, and the neighboring office dwellers are the real adults. Born from the careful observations of a novice cube dweller, this series is an attempt to identify the complex rules of the cubicle jungle. Don’t be alarmed if some rules seem contradictory.

11) It is possible to get bored of facebook and youtube, so you must have a healthy set of back up websites to cruise (CNN, People, ESPN, ADNW). And just consider the bonus - you might just impress other cube dwellers with your diverse set of interests.

12) If you worry that your cubicle neighbor may not check your shared social-networking site in a reasonable amount of time, you should verbally tell him/her that you just posted a comment on his/her home page. Then if you still aren’t sure – ask again if he/she sees the comment, wait for the eagerly anticipated laughter, and discuss the content further in person.

13) The longest part of the day is when your screw-around partner leaves for a long lunch and you’re bored enough to do actual work.

14) Wear a lot of gaudy jewelry and jiggle it around with purpose when walking through the cube jungle.

15) If you’re a dude, maximize your creepy factor by slowing noticeably when passing a cute girl’s cube. Feel free to give her an extra careful look-over, while coyly tilting your head to gain particular notoriety.

Orpheus 3 - Silversun Pickups

Concert Series!

Band:

Website: http://silversunpickups.com/

Date: October 27, 2009

Location: The Vogue Theatre, Broad Ripple, IN

Since the release of Carnavas in 2006, SSUP has brought their distinctive mix of Shoegaze melodies and mesmerizing Alternative fuzz guitar sounds center stage. With the release of their second full length LP, Swoon, earlier this year the band’s guitarist and lead vocalist, Brian Aubert, describes their progression with the following statement, "some songs are very quiet and delicate, [while] others are just f*cking loud." Debuting at #7 the album does not disappoint.

Based out of the Silver Lake area of Los Angeles, a center for the indie rock scene in Hollywood and LA, and home for such acts as Beck, Elliott Smith, Pavement, Jane’s Addiction and Red Hot Chili Peppers, the Pickups took their name from a store front at the corner or Sunset and Silver Lake Blvd. The band often says the name is more of “a state of mind.” Formed from neighborhood friends of friends, the current lineup is comprised of Aubert (guitar/vocals), Nikki Monninger (bass/vocals), Joe Lester (keyboards) and Christopher Guanlao(drums). SSPU recognize that their sound is rooted in the community in which they originated.

A special note to remember to get a good view of Chris Guanlao when seeing Silversun Pickups live, as a driving force behind the scene he makes a show of it!

Check out these tracks:

1. Future Foe Scenarios
2. Well Thought Out Twinkles
3. Panic Room
4. Substitution
5. There’s No Secrets This Year
6. Lazy Eye