Douchebag 101 - Lesson 7

At ADNW, we believe the World is full of aspiring douchebags. Whether due to a foul mood, illness, habit, or simply for sport, everyone engages in a little douchebaggery now and again. [Douchebaggery (n) – the deliberate or unintentional act of behaving like a douchebag.] Most of us will apologize or at least feel badly about ill behavior in retrospect. But for those of you douchebags aspiring to go pro, ADNW has some lessons to help you on your journey. Best of luck – Douchebag!

IN THE CAR 2

31 – Blind the meek – Don’t be content to flash the occasional accidental high beams or even retaliatory flash. Just keep those suckers on. Add some fog lights too if possible. It’s pretty funny when other drivers can’t see where they’re going.

32 – Text & Drive – Nothing says I could give a crap about my fellow man like swerving into oncoming traffic.

33 - Drive Drunk – go old school homicidal. Don’t just settle for inattentive text driving. If those schmucks can’t dodge you, they don’t belong on the road anyway, right?

(Unfortunately necessary disclaimer – in case you missed the boat, everything written here is sarcasm. ADNW does NOT endorse driving impaired in any way. Our point is quite the opposite – this is major Assbag behavior.)

34 - Don’t use turn signals, ever. It’s best to keep your fellow motorist / pedestrian guessing.

35 – Ride the shoulder – You can do it for leisure, just to kick up rocks into the windshields of cars behind you, or you can step it up a notch and use the shoulder as a passing lane. After all, wherever you’re going and whatever you’re doing is way more important than anyone else.

Douchebag 101 - Lesson 6

IN THE CAR

26 - Tailgate – I once had an inexperienced friend who described the proper distance for following as, “It’s okay if you can see their tires.” Which to be fair would be true if you’re driving The Concord (the now defunct supersonic passenger jet with infamously difficult pilot visibility – just google a picture if you’re still not with me). But tailgating is a quintessential weapon in the douchebag arsenal. Not only do you cause immense discomfort to the victim, but you easily put anyone else in the vicinity in mortal peril.

27 - Cut them off – Make aggressive swerves into other lanes, preferably with little warning and in close proximity to other cars. If the other driver doesn’t have to brake for you, then you’re just not trying hard enough. Masters of the cut-off actually tend to make the other driver swerve, brake and fear for their lives.

Just park it right up on the sidewalk, Douchebag

28 – Crash the Crosswalk – Forget slowing down or stopping, when you see pedestrians attempting to cross the street, it’s time to accelerate. You don’t simply want them to confuse your intention as thoughtless, or inattentive. It’s important to leave them with a dose of terror as they dive for safety.

29 - Turn the radio up – You might not be close enough on the highway to make an impact, but when you’re on residential streets, school zones, and drive thrus, it’s time to pump it up. Don’t go for ABBA either. You need to inflict something crude on the community.

30 – Honk persistently – Don’t just share a reserved toot when the guy in front of you misses the light change to green. You need to get on the horn and wear that bastard out. Furthermore, only amateurs pause for cause. Just start honking the moment you think there’s a chance something is amiss. Hell, just honk to be irritating if nothing else provokes you.

This one is just funny

BATHROOM ETIQUETTE 3.1

ARCHITECTUAL FLAWS

Tight quarters – I recognize that real estate will always be at a premium, but in no case should I have to rub knees with the dipshit squatting next to me. Stranger or lifelong friend, hand holding proximity is unacceptable. Hopefully your moment on the throne will be relatively solitary. But if some dude is forced to neighbor up, there needs to be a suitable buffer zone.

Knobs are for knobs – If I can’t turn something on and off with a wave of my hand, I should be able to do it with a knuckle. [See Bathroom Etiquette Tip 2 (5/7/09)] There are plenty of douchebags out there that don’t wash. You should never have to touch anything with a bare hand that the last idiot just smeared his feces on.

EXIT STRATEGY– If a door opens outward, it helps eliminate the need to put a hand on a knob or handle in the first place. I’m willing to dodge a door swinging outward if it guarantees less foreign poo contact.

Trash can placement – If you’re a janitor that gets frustrated with the pile of paper towels on the floor near the exit to the bathroom, I would take this as a clue. It probably indicates the previous two items are an issue. You might consider a trashcan adjustment, because those of us unwilling to touch a diseased door handle will need somewhere to drop the barrier towel.

Hand crank towel dispensers – It’s a bit ironic that clean conscious people wash their hands then have to touch the wet, Petri dish of a handle on the community towel dispenser. If towels don’t self-dispense, it’s pretty much a waste of effort washing your hands.

Douchebag 101 - Lesson 5

AT THE STORE

21 - Use a check in the checkout line - bonus points if you write slowly and wait until everyone is staring. There’s no point in getting an early start when you can milk the attention.

22 - Have too many items in the express check out.

23 - Leave your cart unattended in the checkout line to fetch another item or 8. Bonus if you’re next up in a long line.

24 - Have an extensive conversation that lasts at least into the next customer’s turn. The important factor is to distract the checker and slow the progress of the customers behind you.

25 - Argue the price of something, anything. Bonus points if it saves you 20 cents or less.