Car Stereotypes 8

CONVERSION VAN

Pimps and pederasts unite! With the exceptions of the wheelchair accessible variety or if you’re a member of the A-Team, I worry that you’ve at least considered installing a torture chamber behind those ultra dark tinted windows (blinds installed behind these for backup, and I assume some attention to sound-proofing). You have at least googled the term chloroform and have probably put a little work into gathering the ingredients. You tell people that you are an outdoor enthusiast, but they figure that because you can’t take a crap in your wannabe RV, there’s something on your mind beyond luxury camping. Friends, neighbors, and family won’t allow their loved ones to ride solo with you, and you can’t understand why, but fantasize about them doing so anyway. Parents grab their children when you drive by, and anyone that belongs to a security detail, watches you extra closely. You realized that Wal-Mart truly was home, the day they started letting people leave their vehicles in the parking lot, camping style. You’re super conscious of keeping your headlights, and taillights functional, so the cops won’t randomly pull you over, and you hope that the local prostitutes will stop habitually spraying you with Mace and referring to you as Creepy Carl.

NOVELTY CAR – (PT Cruiser, cheap convertibles, Car Box, etc)

There is a picture of you in a yearbook somewhere wearing parachute pants, poofy 80’s hair, or a mullet. You’ve often thought that Tom Cruise and Michael Jackson were secretly talking to you through their movies and songs. You’d be horrified to know that others notice you constantly chasing the next fad. You have a secret place in your closet full of fad clothing, hoping beyond hope that your stone washed jeans will come back before the moths take too heavy a toll. In just a couple years, you have rapidly progressed from being excited about your vehicle purchase to being excited about the car just starting. On cold days, you actually say a brief prayer as you attempt to start it, and you’re counting the days until you move on to the next fad car, having learned nothing from this experience. You pay more per month on your car payment than your housing, and car salesman walk the other way when they see you returning to the lot, because you’re the poster child for the term “upside down.”
Faux wood paneling on a novelty car? Surely this was a gag gift.