BASEBALL FAN ETIQUETTE 10

Hold up kids, not umbrellas.

HOORAY FOR ME

Mike Krukow (brilliant Giants broadcaster and former pitcher) once colorfully described ballpark umbrella usage with the phrase, “Hooray for me.” I couldn’t agree more. I’m happy for you to stay dry, but unless you happen to own an invisible umbrella wouldn’t it also be nice to let the folks behind you watch the game? If you need to stay dry that badly, just drag your selfish ass to the concourse. Get a pretzel, a beer and casually talk on your cell phone for 3 or 4 innings. Yes, you might miss some action (as if you were watching). But better you than the gamer behind you sporting a team poncho.

It’s the same principle when holding up a sign or wearing some type of stupid-ass tall hat. And don’t think for a minute I’m fooled into believing that sign you awkwardly inserted ESPN into (sEnd the Sox Party Nuts!) is about supporting your team. It’s about you getting on TV. Consider, at least for a moment, developing some modicum of empathy for your fellow man. You know – Golden Rule type stuff. And just for clarity, here’s how that works – when at the park, would you prefer to see the game, or have a big wall dropped in front of you? If your answer is you’d like to see the field, then don’t put a huge sign in someone else’s face.

Finally, inflated or not it’s your choice, you can shove that beachball up your ass. I’m a huge proponent of growing the game by putting butts in the seats, but here’s a clue. If you’re leaving home thinking to yourself, “gosh, how can I spice up the ballgame” and the answer you come up with is – beachball. Then, maybe you don’t need to go to the game. Go to the beach dumbass! Yes, Dodger fan, if you look in the general direction of that grassy surface that your seat is facing, you’ll notice a bunch of dudes wearing uniforms. That’s the entertainment. That’s why people go to games, with the primary purpose of…(wait for it)…WATCHING THE GAME! Give it a try Dodger fan. Instead of the comedic view of your head bobbing up and down while following the beachball, maybe glance out at that left fielder with the pretty hair. You might see a baseball bounce off his head and over the fence. Now that’s entertainment.

BASEBALL FAN ETIQUETTE 9

This is not a test

FOUL BALLS – Part 2

Heads Up! – I had the pleasure this season of catching a game from seats not far off of 1^st base. It was clearly a section where the signs warning to beware of batted balls seriously applied. In one of those “God has a sense of humor” moments, a patron entered late, sat down about 4 rows ahead of me, and while not watching the game started piddling with his fresh pretzel and beer. Like the conclusion of every America’s Funniest Home Video I’ve ever seen, the next ball loops into my section and thumped home on his lap. From my vantage point, all I saw was beer flying, but moments later my section mates and I learned his twins had temporarily become triplets. This was the quintessential “foul ball” that the dude managed to catch with his pills, and it just sat there. No rebound, nobody diving under the seats. Happily, for the price of a couple of distressed gonads and a beer, he got the souvenir, a bag of ice, and a memorable lesson. Watch the game! They don’t issue helmets and cups for fans. Regardless of how it plays on Youtube, there’s nothing more sobering than watching a fellow fan get wheeled out on a stretcher.

There's a chorus you hear at the park over and over again. Here! Here! Here! Not only is it beyond obnoxious, this symphony of whiny voices reminds me of the idiot seagulls from Finding Nemo – “Mine. Mine. Mine. Mine. Mine.” As an adult, you just can’t go begging the ball girl for the slow grounder she just cleared from the field. It’s not quite John Wayne suave to tell your bros about how you caught a discarded ball over the 12-year old a row in front of you. And you sure as hell don’t need to be begging for the ball with the seagull kids. Matter of fact - you even lose credibility by association if it’s your 12-year old kid begging. Maybe teach the kid to have a modicum of personal pride? For the ball girls/dudes of the world, I propose a reward system based less off of persistence and more off of merit. Give the foul ball to the kid sitting in the cheap seats shouting stats, while wearing a home jersey or cap.

It’s great to bring your glove. That’s a gamer move. But unless you're 4 years old or intend to get an autograph, make sure you’re not sitting 700 feet away. That’s amateur hour.

If you’re not at Wrigley Field, don’t bother throwing a homerun ball back. Keep the damn souvenir or hand it off to a fan and don’t interrupt the game.

BASEBALL FAN ETIQUETTE 8

FOUL BALLS - Part 1

There’s a simple rule. Stay in your zone. It’s pathetic and offensive to watch some douchebag race 30 rows over to poach a ball. Sadly, I actually have to state the following. In no venue is it okay to knock over a baby stroller, throw an elbow at a pregnant lady, or stomp on an octogenarian. I don’t care if you are Mr. Big Dick on your beer league softball team. If you have to get on your horse to get under a foul ball, which you’re going to drop anyway, you’re out of line. Stay in your seat or within a few steps, unless you have a section to yourself. And if getting the ball necessitates you dive under the seats to beat an 8-year old to the ball, let the kid have it. I’m not saying that an adult can’t keep a foul ball. Quite the opposite - I guarantee that my foul ball is going to my lady, and not the nearest kid too busy picking his nose to notice which teams are playing. Just act like a friggin human in the process.

Don’t interfere with a fair ball. The best-case scenario is you get ejected from the park (deservedly so). Worst case is you cost your team the game by contributing to some freakish chain of events. Have a contingency plan so you won’t panic if the ball comes your way. Talk it over with your friends if you need to. And if you still don’t know what to do, don’t sit in the front row.

Don’t reach over the outstretched arms of the home team player trying to make a play in the stands. And when the opponent is reaching into the stands, you do need to go for the ball, aggressively, but in a sportsmanlike way. If you can’t handle the job, again, don’t sit in the front friggin row.

Don’t fall onto the field trying to scoop a passing ball. Act like you’ve been there before. If it’s meant to be, great, get your ball. But don’t put yourself in a position to have one of your boys trying to haul you back in the stands by your jock strap. Bad form, and you deserve the grief you get on Youtube.

BASEBALL FAN ETIQUETTE 7

Sorry bro. Fair or not, if you decide to sport the gangsta gear, I guarantee you're getting bounced immediately.

SEAT JUMPING

For some, it’s tradition to buy cheap seats then attempt to sneak into a free upgrade. Our etiquette panel had mixed reactions to this ploy. Here’s the consensus.

Disruption when the assigned customer arrives – You have to strategically seat jump. Don’t try to slip into a first row seat in the first inning. Somebody is showing up for that prime spot. (Shame on them for being late (see part 3), but that just doesn’t happen.) Poor execution means you’re going to be in front of a lot of people while doing the walk of shame.

Reaction when ejected – Play dumb if it helps you extricate yourself smoothly. (“Oh, I thought this was section 94!”) But don’t give the volunteer retired dude crap when you get caught. Your embarrassment is not license to be a dick. Apologize, move your ass, and become invisible. It’s over and this is not the environment to rage against the machine.

Interference during foul ball pursuit – You’re encroaching on the space of paying customers. You don’t get to body slam a little old lady to chase a foul ball (see part 8). Stay in your zone. Your upgrade is a gift. Don’t spoil it.

Access blockage, and vibe spoilage – Choose your spot wisely. It’s tough to make everyone happy, but you should consider possible bubble violations. When the section is empty, don’t sit in my lap. Spread out. And don’t bring your drunken frat party to the family section. I guarantee that won’t last long.

Consensus for all the above is that invaders need to stay low key. It’s not okay to ruin the game experience for your fellow fans. The alternatives are to one – stay in your own seat; two – pay for the seat you want. Not that complicated after all.

BASEBALL FAN ETIQUETTE 6

STEP AWAY FROM THE DEVIL BOX

I consider it a personal insult when I am relegated to watching the game on low-def television, and I see some moron (either gender) camping out in the best seats in the house (like first row, 20 feet behind home plate), talking on his/her cell phone for 6 innings. Leave the friggin phone in your pocket. Sure, call the fellas between innings to brag about your seats, or about the foul ball you caught. Feel free to quickly text your vote for player of the game or to win the special seat upgrade promotion. Use that peachy camera function until you max out the memory. I might even forgive you for strategically checking scores or pulling up radar to check incoming weather (in small doses). But who the hell do you need to talk or text to while Jeter hits a triple to complete the cycle? Watch the damn game! Beyond catching a glimpse of history now and again, another bonus is you won’t have to ask me what just happened every other play. Even better - you might have a moment to enjoy the company of your child, spouse, or buddy.

BASEBALL FAN ETIQUETTE 5

THE DRUNKEN IDIOT

At a baseball game (really at any sporting event), it’s apparently mandatory to have a drunken idiot in your immediate vicinity. You know this guy (and yes it’s almost exclusively a dude). He’s the moron repetitively screaming what he thinks is clever obscenities at the umpire; not that you actually have a chance to decipher his slurred ramblings. He just spilled half his beer on the 8-year old and his mom in the next row, and to everyone’s chagrin he has to stumble up and down the aisle every 12 minutes to take another leak and buy yet another round. He would be equally happy starting the wave or a brawl. He’s what I would describe as a five-tool moron - screaming, slurring, spilling, stumbling, and starting fights.

Now if you’re a drinker, it’s not unheard of to occasionally over indulge when caught up in the moment. Most of us would hopefully regret the oversight and attempt to learn from the experience. Regardless, it’s especially bad form at a ballgame. You’re not at a frat party, the sports bar, or club. This is not the venue for sloppy drunks. Being at the ballpark means you’re subjecting all kinds of unwilling participants to your stupidity. Imbibe like an adult, enjoy the game, cheer for your team, and go to the bar afterward to get your drunk on.

It’s the fiscally and socially responsible thing to do. You could get hammered at the game on $12 beer night, or after about 3 beers, you could have bought a keg in the real world. And it’s not that you’re just making yourself and your buddies look stupid. You’re giving the venue and the city a bad name. Have a modicum of self-respect and keep your inner party idiot in check.

BASEBALL FAN ETIQUETTE 4

Wave Goodbye

The Wave is just about as fresh as that “We got spirit, yes we do” cheer. I know every crowd, in every ballpark does it nearly every game. And in L.A., it’s a spiritual experience. But how about we all agree to kick it back to the 80’s? Sure, the kids dig it, and therefore what’s the harm, right? Well personally, I’d rather watch the game. Exhibit A - Next time you’re at the park and knee deep in The Wave, check the faces in the crowd. You’ll notice the non-gamers getting all giggly watching it go round and round the stadium. Meanwhile, Ichiro just made a diving catch and threw out a runner tagging up from third. No big deal, that’s just a play you’ll never see again in person. At least you got to stand and yell, “Wooooo!” (A cheer, by the way, best reserved for Mardi Gras.)

Now just to prove to the kids that I’m not an ogre, I’m willing to compromise. Let's just start with this ground rule - the wave has to happen between innings (I know. This could tragically interfere with the Kiss Cam or some other essential inter-inning crap. But, something has to give.) Furthermore, I propose that for you diehard Wave enthusiasts (L.A.), we place it between the 8^th and 9^th innings. So jump up, throw your arms in the air, and squeal like a little girl who just don't care for those five minutes. And if you're not careful, you just might catch some baseball while you’re at the game.

BASEBALL FAN ETIQUETTE 3

If you're going to shamelessly obstruct my view, you better be a Hooter's babe wearing a bikini.

BE THERE OR BEWARE

If you can’t manage to show up early, you need to be in the vicinity of on time. This isn’t the friggin prom. You get no credit for showing up fashionably late (yes, this includes you L.A.) Being late happens. People get pulled over on the way to the park, caught in traffic, stuck at work, whatever. But if your intentional strategy was to get to the game casually tardy, you’re an idiot. And you’re the idiot that inevitably ends up standing in front of me; trying to transplant an aisle full of people the moment Albert Pujols hits a grand slam. That’s all right Douchebag; I’ll just catch that magical moment on Sportscenter later. Thanks.

Having said that, if you deliberately show up late, you’re probably the same moron who’s going to leave in the 6th inning. Granted, even the most seasoned fans have been known to slip out early when the score is hopelessly lopsided. (Just don’t whine if you miss the biggest comeback in baseball history.) My issue is with those dicks that exit in the midst of a tie game in the 8th inning. How about hanging out to support your team? You’d better have a date with Beyonce and her hotter twin if you need to get on the road that badly. If you’re just leaving early to beat traffic, again, you’re an idiot. A guaranteed way to beat traffic is to park your dumb ass at home.

Now, if you do insist on being “that guy” who has to show up late or leave the game early, go between innings. At the minimum, wait for a break in the action – like between at bats, during a pitching change, whatever. Don’t stand and form a human wall between the loyal fans behind you and the action. And don’t casually pause in front of me to kiss hello and goodbye for 20 minutes. Pick a considerate time. Get to your seat or the F out of the stadium. Then hang out in the parking lot and passionately kiss each other on the ass, for all I care.



props to Sharp for the contribution

BASEBALL FAN ETIQUETTE 2

ADNW has taken on the task of stating and defending a selection of etiquette standards for baseball spectators. Here's part 2. This series is for fans of the National Pastime.

SPORTSMANSHIP

Yell like hell at the opponent, the umpire, the manager and the paid professionals. But show a modicum of respect to the folks around you. Yes, this even includes visiting fans. You should particularly go easy on the language. It is actually possible to marry clever and PG. It’s a revered tradition called banter. Real fans don’t step over the line, because the kids and families that are helping to finance our star player’s contract extension deserve a respectable environment. Furthermore, the visiting fans are also financing your next free agent and spreading money around your city. Welcome them back anytime, especially if you cheer for a cellar dweller. The visiting fan walk of shame to the exits is always sweeter when your team just took apart the division leader with the fat payroll (Yankees, Red Sox, etc).

One additional suggestion about yelling - It’s always best to know what the hell you’re talking about. Your astute insights might impress the crap out of a guest from Armenia. But if the ten year old next to you is calling bullshit, you really need to watch a couple more games before spouting off. Another thing – it’s nice to have a booming voice, but being louder doesn’t make you smarter.

Also, anyone that throws crap on the field or at other people needs to be flogged and permanently banned from the park. I don’t need to see you spoil the game or get in a slap fight. At best you’re going to wreck the team’s momentum / karma. At worst, while commencing your little tickle fight, you’ll flatten the little old lady or toddler sitting in the row behind you.

BASEBALL FAN ETIQUETTE 1

ADNW has taken on the task of stating and defending a selection of etiquette standards for baseball spectators. Here's part 1. This series is for fans of the National Pastime.


KIDS

For the health of the game, baseball is, and needs to be, a kid friendly sport. However, if you can’t get your little hellcat to sit still for a slice at Pizza Hut, you sure as hell don’t need to bring him / her to a 3-hour baseball game. Call me anti-kid if it helps you sleep at night. But my stance for any event or location is that I’m not cool with little Chucky screaming in my ear, running up and down the aisle, or wiping his nose on my pants. Unless you plan on spending the bulk of the game at the “super kiddie fun zone,” the trip is going to be a waste of your money (except that 8 seconds worth of “look at me and my baby at the game” pictures). A cheaper alternative would have been a Happy Meal. But that’s fine. I’m cool with you parting with the coin. Your investment just helped finance next year’s free agent pick-up. I primarily resent you for wasting my money, as I become an unwilling member of the village raising your child. I should never have to tell someone else’s kid - “No, don’t eat the bird crap off the seat.” “No, don’t dangle over the balcony railing.” Like a decent percentage of the attendees, I came to watch the action on the field, not listen to you scream futilely at your future inmate. If you can’t manage Damien, get a sitter, come to the game, scream futilely at the umpire, and we can all get along just fine.

Props to Sharp for the contribution