DJ BJ's Can't Miss Pick Up Lines 8

Ladies, you can start lining up here!

A NOTE FROM THE EDITOR
Once again, veteran single man, DJ BJ shares some favorite pick up lines. Our apologies. These submissions do not represent the views of ADNW, nor are they guaranteed to actually work (nor keep you out of harms way).

All right people - here's my eighth set. You can thank me now and later!

71) Wow, you’re hot. You’re a real head turner, and you know what I mean.
72) I need your phone number, because if there’s an emergency I’ll have to call you on the HOTline.
73) In these troubling economic times, it’s awesome that you’ve got me excited. I suppose I owe you some stimulus money.
74) I hear you asked your manager for a raise. Well after looking at you, you can call my junk “Boss.”
75) Even though I’m not less filling, chicks that order Miller Lite generally like me. Because, I still taste great!
76) My nickname is the Gardner, because I’m all about trimming bush.
77) You gotta love baseball, because every night somebody’s guaranteed to score.
78) I’m very organized and you’ll be happy to know that you’re on my To Do list.
79) I’m at work now. But I get off in a couple hours, with or without you.
80) I keep calling you Vitamin D, because you nourish my bone.

SHOCKING CELEBRITY GOSSIP 3

ADNW welcomes you to the 3rd issue of Shocking Celebrity Gossip! We're bold enough to bring you the stuff that celebrities have bribed tabloids and news outlets not to tell you. Enjoy!

We have been advised by counsel that due to a preponderance of morons, we should post this disclaimer: The following information may not necessarily be based upon fact, nor is it exclusively regarding the celebrities you are familiar with.
PS – suck it Perez Hilton.

Donald Trump – is only an actor paid to pose as a celebrity business magnate. Warren Buffet, on a bet reminiscent of the movie Trading Places, has financed this long-term venture, which originally began as Buffet using Trump as an investor pseudonym. The original agreement evolved into a full time gig for “Trump,” whose real name is ironically Richard Simmons. The pair had a brief rift (largely due to demands by the actor to renegotiate his contract) in the late 80’s. The issue was resolved when “Trump” caved after Buffet spread news of Trump having financial difficulties. The now humbled “Trump” signed a low paying, long-term contract and was given permission to supplement his income with outside appearances. Why else would a serious businessman participate in a ridiculous reality TV show and play a part in professional wrestling? As further evidence of the character “Trump’s” limited means, (and Buffet’s insatiable sense of humor), consider the hair. Would a genuine multi-millionaire actually wear that squirrel pelt around?

Picture courtesy of Moono.com

SHOCKING CELEBRITY GOSSIP 2

ADNW welcomes you to part 2 of Shocking Celebrity Gossip! We're bold enough to bring you the stuff that celebrities have bribed tabloids and news outlets not to tell you. Enjoy!

We have been advised by counsel that due to a preponderance of morons, we should post this disclaimer: The following information may not necessarily be based upon fact, nor is it exclusively regarding the celebrities you are familiar with.
PS – suck it Perez Hilton.

Elvis – is not dead! And, the King is a Queen! Yes, this one is a shockingly true urban myth. His supposed death was staged by his manager, Colonel Tom Parker, after he discovered that Elvis was gay and intended to come out publicly to bolster the then fledgling gay rights movement. (Note Elvis’s penchant for Liberace style jumpsuits and that especially progressive hip shaking). The very controlling Parker recognized that this would be career suicide, at the time, and quickly had him declared dead. Elvis eventually embraced his “dead” status and got a kick out of wandering around in public and letting people spot him – thus the prominent belief by many that he is in fact alive. Since his staged death, he frequently impersonated himself by doing about a dozen shows per year, thus exercising his need to be on stage. Now in his mid-70’s, he is a shell of his former self due to about 40 years of hard partying. He has never moved from Graceland and is still active (as a self-impersonator) in the Memphis gay community.

SHOCKING CELEBRITY GOSSIP 1

ADNW is excited to introduce a new feature - Shocking Celebrity Gossip! We have the stuff celebrities have bribed tabloids and news outlets not to tell you. But from a covert source deeply imbedded in the Hollywood scene, we will share highly controversial tidbits that you will most certainly find SHOCKING!

We have been advised by counsel that due to a preponderance of morons, we should post this disclaimer: The following information may not necessarily be based upon fact, nor is it exclusively regarding the celebrities you are familiar with.
PS – suck it Perez Hilton.

Hugh Hefner –is dead! He actually died in 1983 from complications due to elective cosmetic surgery (at the time an experimental facelift, liposuction combo (now commonly referred to as "The Joan Collins")). Fortunately for the Playboy franchise, they had thousands of video hours and thousands of pictures of him on file. For the first couple of years they were able to keep a lid on his passing, even from those closest to him. Incidentally, this is also why he has never grown out of those ridiculous silk pajama robes. And the public at large is still unaware because of advancements in digital imaging, and editing (note that they even have successfully aged him – cutting edge stuff, most of the technology has made it into movies such as The Terminator, The Matrix, etc). Over the years, his secret death has evolved into a well-kept and celebrated Hollywood secret. In the 80’s and 90’s, a veritable who’s who of A-list celebrities took turns as stand in Hef’s at the frequent and famous Playboy mansion parties. During the parties, these famous folks have had their picture taken Hef style with the various playmates and celebrities and then had their faces Photoshopped out and Hefs face added in. Famous Hef stand-ins have included – Frank Sinatra, George Burns, Dean Martin, Tom Cruise, Rodney Dangerfield, MC Hammer, Chris Rock and so on and so on. Unfortunately, the downturn in print media has led to hard times for the Playboy franchise. They have actually resorted to allowing low caliber celebrities to play Hef, like Carrot Top. At one particular Halloween party low point, they even let Joan Rivers play the role, which the playmates called “just plain creepy, because she was all hands.”

Image - thanks to Photobucket danny613.

BATHROOM ETIQUETTE 2.1

Dude, that's my car!

RULE 1 FOR HOME– KEEP IT CLEAN

You are more than welcome to be some type of terminal loaner, friendless mega-prick, or stuck ass deep in perpetual bachelorhood. But for the love of monkeys, please keep your bathroom in the realm of potentially clean, because we all know you’ll inevitably have a visitor. As one of those potential guests, I’d like to think that I wouldn’t have to battle Ebola, roaches, and rat terds for foot space in your crapper. Don’t get me wrong; I don’t expect your bathroom to be magazine cover ready. Just keep it off the disgusting list. Perhaps, have a bottle of Windex handy and put a brush and sanitizer in the toilet bowl now and again? Hell, at least keep some cleaning supplies in the vicinity, so I can wipe the seat down myself, if (heaven forbid) I am compelled to use your facility while there.

DJ BJ's Can't Miss Pick Up Lines 7

"I'm too sexy for my shirt, too sexy for my shirt, so sexy it huuuuuuuuurts."

A NOTE FROM THE EDITOR
Once again, veteran single man, DJ BJ shares some favorite pick up lines. Our apologies. These submissions do not represent the views of ADNW, nor are they guaranteed to actually work (nor keep you out of harms way).

All right people - here's my seventh set. I expect to start hearing testimonials from some of you happy customers any time now.

61) I’m pretty liberal. If you were my girlfriend, I’d let you date other chicks.
62) You got any kids? How about you play mommy for me?
63) You got any tattoos or piercings? (Yes) Can I see and or photograph them?
64) You got any tattoos or piercings? (No) How about I do some art on your ass?
65) Do you like retro-toys? Because I’ve got a pogo-stick I’d like you to try out.
66) I think you should manage my acting career, because you’re already making me big.
67) You can call me a fossil if you like, but at least I’ve got a bone for you.
68) I respect you. You’re not just a piece of ass to me. I like your boobs too.
69) I’m not so old. I rarely use my Viagra prescription.
70) I like ambitious girls like you. Because you’d do whatever it takes to get a “head.”

Living Life as a Yet – Part II

Down in front Giant Man, I'm trying to see the natural wonder!

This is a continuation of my complaints for being oversized in an undersized world. (See Part I for the beginning of this list.)

6) When I mow our grass with a standard push mower, I tower over the little machine. The handle doesn’t even adjust up to the height I need. I end up looking like I’m pushing around one of those toy plastic mowers that shoot bubbles out the side. (my neighbors have joyfully made comments about it).

7) “One size fits all” – seriously??? Not even close. That’s just the manufacturer’s way of not having additional setup costs to produce several different sizes and possibly one size that would actually fit me.

8) I enjoy visiting go-cart/putt putt establishments. The main problem I have with them though is that they don’t have a go-cart or putter that accommodates the length of my body. When I am driving a go-cart, I look like one of those clowns in the parade that drives around in the miniature car. I also feel like I am in stirrups with my knees jutting up on both sides of the steering wheel (for the record, I have not physically been in stirrups). As far as the putter, the ones they have available aren’t long enough for me to have a natural stance to excel in my tapping of the golf ball. Because of this, I’m sure I have developed an awkward stance that has probably added to both my score and my lower back pain. It has limited me from being able to join the PPA (Professional Putters Association).

9) Pictures would be another area where the tall get discriminated against. I can’t remember a photo where I have been in any other place but the back row. There are also people who enjoy getting their picture taken next to a tall person. I would like to think that it is for precious memories. However, in the back of my mind, I know that it must be so they can have their “freak of nature” picture. They can actually take home proof of how tall I am and they have a natural comparison with them being in the picture. (Once again, I’m not a freak of nature.)

10) For most people, items that hang down from ceilings in stores and restaurants are high enough to allow for free walking. However, for me it becomes a game of “Dodge the Merchandise/Advertisement”. The other people I am with can enjoy their shopping/dining experience and look at everything with full focus. I, on the other hand, have to constantly look around to make sure I’m not going to come face to face with a dangling sign or glass candle holder. The severity of this problem increases exponentially with knick knack stores in quaint “Little House on the Prairie” towns that have totally gone commercial with shops and stores. They are trying to maximize their selling space while invading my rights to be able to roam free.


To be continued…

Spirit Week 2.5

Greetings once again, loyal ADNW readers. We're to the final day of Spirit Week 2. Thanks for your rapt attention and generous participation. Let's bring it home strong on the final day!

Welcome to COIN A PHRASE FRIDAY! 10 points for each usage of a preferably original (and hopefully annoying) catchphrase. 10-point bonus if someone else repeats your catchphrase within the day. 5-point bonus if someone openly finds your catchphrase annoying.

In case you're imagination fails you, I am going to provide some examples. Steal them or adapt them as you like. The priority is to get in the game.

Non-original – Damn the torpedoes, full speed ahead. That’ll play. Don’t spend it all in one place. Babies having babies.

Original-ish – Shut that down. Fix that! You’re on the freedom trail now, baby. You can smack dat up. Here’s your free delivery. Taste that funk. Load me up. I’d buy that product.

Spirit Week 2.4

Greetings again, loyal ADNW readers. We're on day 4 of Spirit Week. Only 1 more day following, so make the best of it.

Welcome to “That’s What She Said” Thursday. (Thanks Andy H for the suggestion). Yes, Office fans, it’s time to let it fly. 10 points for each usage of this tag on joke. 10-point bonus each time you‘re asked to shut up because you’re getting on someone’s nerves. In case you're not familiar, just add the phrase, "that's what she said" after any sentence uttered by another person, particularly those that might make it sound a bit naughty.

Spirit Week 2.3

Welcome back, loyal ADNW readers, to day 3 of Spirit Week 2! Stay tuned daily as I will post a challenge and the applicable scoring parameters.

Next up is Obfuscatory Verbiage Wednesday! 10 points for each correct usage of an obscure term when something much simpler / listener friendly will work. 5-point bonus for each time you are asked to repeat yourself or define the term. Favorite examples – defenestrate, coprophagus, paradigm. If you don’t already have your own favorites, I recommend hitting google.

Spirit Week 2.2

Welcome back, loyal ADNW readers, to day 2 of Spirit Week 2! Stay tuned daily as I will post a challenge and the applicable scoring parameters. Best of luck contestants! You can send your daily totals directly to me, or your regional rep. Remember that Spirit Week scoring is based on the honor system. Now strap on your spirit pants and prepare to embrace your creative self.

Welcome to Trump you Tuesday! Today you get to act like Kristen Wiig’s SNL character Penelope. Think - anything you can do, I can do better. 10 points for each instance of trumping someone else’s anecdote, feat, complaint, etc. 5-point bonus if it’s an obvious lie.

Spirit Week 2.1

Welcome, loyal ADNW readers, to Spirit Week 2! Stay tuned daily as I will post a challenge and the applicable scoring parameters. Best of luck contestants! You can send your daily totals directly to me, or your regional rep. Remember that Spirit Week scoring is based on the honor system. Now strap on your spirit pants and prepare to embrace your creative self.

On with the game!

Welcome to Narration Monday! 10 points for publicly narrating yourself. Narrate menial tasks, as editorial thought, or at the conclusion of a statement, etc. (Sample – “I’m doing fine today, thanks for asking…Dave said glumly, while hoping she wouldn’t notice he had just sat in spilt yogurt.” 10-point bonus if someone laughs at you.