BASEBALL FAN ETIQUETTE 6

STEP AWAY FROM THE DEVIL BOX

I consider it a personal insult when I am relegated to watching the game on low-def television, and I see some moron (either gender) camping out in the best seats in the house (like first row, 20 feet behind home plate), talking on his/her cell phone for 6 innings. Leave the friggin phone in your pocket. Sure, call the fellas between innings to brag about your seats, or about the foul ball you caught. Feel free to quickly text your vote for player of the game or to win the special seat upgrade promotion. Use that peachy camera function until you max out the memory. I might even forgive you for strategically checking scores or pulling up radar to check incoming weather (in small doses). But who the hell do you need to talk or text to while Jeter hits a triple to complete the cycle? Watch the damn game! Beyond catching a glimpse of history now and again, another bonus is you won’t have to ask me what just happened every other play. Even better - you might have a moment to enjoy the company of your child, spouse, or buddy.

BASEBALL FAN ETIQUETTE 5

THE DRUNKEN IDIOT

At a baseball game (really at any sporting event), it’s apparently mandatory to have a drunken idiot in your immediate vicinity. You know this guy (and yes it’s almost exclusively a dude). He’s the moron repetitively screaming what he thinks is clever obscenities at the umpire; not that you actually have a chance to decipher his slurred ramblings. He just spilled half his beer on the 8-year old and his mom in the next row, and to everyone’s chagrin he has to stumble up and down the aisle every 12 minutes to take another leak and buy yet another round. He would be equally happy starting the wave or a brawl. He’s what I would describe as a five-tool moron - screaming, slurring, spilling, stumbling, and starting fights.

Now if you’re a drinker, it’s not unheard of to occasionally over indulge when caught up in the moment. Most of us would hopefully regret the oversight and attempt to learn from the experience. Regardless, it’s especially bad form at a ballgame. You’re not at a frat party, the sports bar, or club. This is not the venue for sloppy drunks. Being at the ballpark means you’re subjecting all kinds of unwilling participants to your stupidity. Imbibe like an adult, enjoy the game, cheer for your team, and go to the bar afterward to get your drunk on.

It’s the fiscally and socially responsible thing to do. You could get hammered at the game on $12 beer night, or after about 3 beers, you could have bought a keg in the real world. And it’s not that you’re just making yourself and your buddies look stupid. You’re giving the venue and the city a bad name. Have a modicum of self-respect and keep your inner party idiot in check.

From the Dr. Love Files – 2.2

And there's always time for crafts

Dr. Love’s Date Idea Playbook - Episode 2 (Cheap Dates)

I wouldn’t suggest going cheap on any date but sometimes the funds just aren’t there to spend. So when you’re feeling the money pinch and if appropriate for the current phase of your relationship, these date ideas might help.

Library Stack – Most big cities have a central library system or a college campus “stack” you could use for this date, but if not, a local bookstore might just do the trick. Walk the aisles together, conversing over books you like or those you just plain hate and learn more about each other. Use the Dewey Decimal System (okay log on to the local area network and search if you must) to find authors, subjects, and titles of old favorites that you’d just love to read to one another. You might just check out a copy the Kama Sutra for later use.

Test Drive a Car – Ninety-eight percent of guys grow up with the love of cars. Whether it’s his collection of Hot Wheels, Steve McQueen infatuation, or dad’s old hot rod, it is in his blood. Grab his latest copy of Car & Driver and pick out the latest sports model on everyone’s list. Why not head over to a local car dealership and test drive the most expensive car they’ll let you drive off the lot? You say you have driving skills too? Well, he’ll let you take a turn at the wheel, just don’t side-seat-critique unless you want to pull off the side of the road for a quick look in the back seat.

1^st Snow – It’s the only snow of the season that you actually care about so why not make the most of it? “With a corncob pipe and a button nose and two eyes made out of coal,” your snowman will be the envy of all the neighbors; especially when they see you dancing around the yard with him. Build Fort Snowtown and compete in a snowball fight against each other or the courtyard brats as if it’s the dawn of the ice age. Make some homemade sleds out of trash can lids and sail down the tallest hill in town. When it’s all said and done, cuddle up in front of the fireplace with some hot chocolate. Granted, this only works if you actually live near snow, but you could always pretend; Got Ice?

One Man’s Junk – It’s probably not true because garbage is garbage but it’s possible to find a steal at a local yard sale. Grab the Sunday paper and look for an auction of unique items. Sign up to bid and push the price up just for fun. Find an antique lamp, chair or fixer up and make a project out of restoring the item. Find the ritziest neighborhood garage sale to increase your chances of finding a something outstanding for dirt cheap. Nothing says I love you more than a trip to Sanford & Sons.

Walking Through the Park and Reminiscing – Maybe you still live close enough to where you or your sweetness grew up? Take a trip back in time by going to each others hometown, visiting all the old hangouts and special places that made you who you are today. Take a walk in the local park, holding hands like the innocence of yesterday, and don’t forget the grown up pictures at each attraction for a start at brand new memories.

BASEBALL FAN ETIQUETTE 4

Wave Goodbye

The Wave is just about as fresh as that “We got spirit, yes we do” cheer. I know every crowd, in every ballpark does it nearly every game. And in L.A., it’s a spiritual experience. But how about we all agree to kick it back to the 80’s? Sure, the kids dig it, and therefore what’s the harm, right? Well personally, I’d rather watch the game. Exhibit A - Next time you’re at the park and knee deep in The Wave, check the faces in the crowd. You’ll notice the non-gamers getting all giggly watching it go round and round the stadium. Meanwhile, Ichiro just made a diving catch and threw out a runner tagging up from third. No big deal, that’s just a play you’ll never see again in person. At least you got to stand and yell, “Wooooo!” (A cheer, by the way, best reserved for Mardi Gras.)

Now just to prove to the kids that I’m not an ogre, I’m willing to compromise. Let's just start with this ground rule - the wave has to happen between innings (I know. This could tragically interfere with the Kiss Cam or some other essential inter-inning crap. But, something has to give.) Furthermore, I propose that for you diehard Wave enthusiasts (L.A.), we place it between the 8^th and 9^th innings. So jump up, throw your arms in the air, and squeal like a little girl who just don't care for those five minutes. And if you're not careful, you just might catch some baseball while you’re at the game.

BASEBALL FAN ETIQUETTE 3

If you're going to shamelessly obstruct my view, you better be a Hooter's babe wearing a bikini.

BE THERE OR BEWARE

If you can’t manage to show up early, you need to be in the vicinity of on time. This isn’t the friggin prom. You get no credit for showing up fashionably late (yes, this includes you L.A.) Being late happens. People get pulled over on the way to the park, caught in traffic, stuck at work, whatever. But if your intentional strategy was to get to the game casually tardy, you’re an idiot. And you’re the idiot that inevitably ends up standing in front of me; trying to transplant an aisle full of people the moment Albert Pujols hits a grand slam. That’s all right Douchebag; I’ll just catch that magical moment on Sportscenter later. Thanks.

Having said that, if you deliberately show up late, you’re probably the same moron who’s going to leave in the 6th inning. Granted, even the most seasoned fans have been known to slip out early when the score is hopelessly lopsided. (Just don’t whine if you miss the biggest comeback in baseball history.) My issue is with those dicks that exit in the midst of a tie game in the 8th inning. How about hanging out to support your team? You’d better have a date with Beyonce and her hotter twin if you need to get on the road that badly. If you’re just leaving early to beat traffic, again, you’re an idiot. A guaranteed way to beat traffic is to park your dumb ass at home.

Now, if you do insist on being “that guy” who has to show up late or leave the game early, go between innings. At the minimum, wait for a break in the action – like between at bats, during a pitching change, whatever. Don’t stand and form a human wall between the loyal fans behind you and the action. And don’t casually pause in front of me to kiss hello and goodbye for 20 minutes. Pick a considerate time. Get to your seat or the F out of the stadium. Then hang out in the parking lot and passionately kiss each other on the ass, for all I care.



props to Sharp for the contribution

BASEBALL FAN ETIQUETTE 2

ADNW has taken on the task of stating and defending a selection of etiquette standards for baseball spectators. Here's part 2. This series is for fans of the National Pastime.

SPORTSMANSHIP

Yell like hell at the opponent, the umpire, the manager and the paid professionals. But show a modicum of respect to the folks around you. Yes, this even includes visiting fans. You should particularly go easy on the language. It is actually possible to marry clever and PG. It’s a revered tradition called banter. Real fans don’t step over the line, because the kids and families that are helping to finance our star player’s contract extension deserve a respectable environment. Furthermore, the visiting fans are also financing your next free agent and spreading money around your city. Welcome them back anytime, especially if you cheer for a cellar dweller. The visiting fan walk of shame to the exits is always sweeter when your team just took apart the division leader with the fat payroll (Yankees, Red Sox, etc).

One additional suggestion about yelling - It’s always best to know what the hell you’re talking about. Your astute insights might impress the crap out of a guest from Armenia. But if the ten year old next to you is calling bullshit, you really need to watch a couple more games before spouting off. Another thing – it’s nice to have a booming voice, but being louder doesn’t make you smarter.

Also, anyone that throws crap on the field or at other people needs to be flogged and permanently banned from the park. I don’t need to see you spoil the game or get in a slap fight. At best you’re going to wreck the team’s momentum / karma. At worst, while commencing your little tickle fight, you’ll flatten the little old lady or toddler sitting in the row behind you.

From the Dr. Love Files -2.1

Who says a girl has to walk around topless to get a man's attention?

In round two, the Doctor brings you a more direct approach to dating, relationship issues and love-help guides that will certainly expand your own approach to the ways of love & romance. As always, common sense and good natured, heartfelt truths stretched from the secret encyclopedia of all the great lovers of the world will be put to the test as we explore human behaviors in a quest for everlasting affection.

Dr. Love’s Date Idea Playbook

Surely there are times when you just can’t come up with something that sounds fun to do…You banter back and forth, Him: “What do you want to do?” Her: “I don’t care, what do you feel like?” Him: “I don’t know.” Next you know you’re canceling the whole thing. Well, Dr. Love to the rescue! These date ideas should help settle the argument. Whether the relationship is just getting started or been there-done that, there’s always room for new and some old standby’s that still work. Use what you like and don’t forget to change it up a bit!

Episode 1 (First Dates)

Appropriately as the first installment a focus on the all-important first dates, not the “1st Date,” but the beginning of the dating scene when it might still be awkward and you want comfort and fun.

The Bowling Alley – Clearly the whole idea of throwing a 12 pound ball down a 4 foot lane says fun, fun, fun; who knows what might happen. First, psych her out with disgusting thoughts of who wore those funny clown shoes right before she did. When you program his name up on the big screen for all to see, make it cutesy, maybe “Honey-bunny” or go bold with “King-pin.” Then there’s the all important wager; most strikes, per gutter ball, best pro-bowler stance, high score, you get the idea. I like the $1 bet but you choose wisely.

The Wine Trail - Although I would disagree that wine is the new beer, many states are known to have local wineries that sponsor classic wine trails. If no trail exists, make your own. The idea is similar to the old bar hop but with a hint of sophistication; traveling from one to another with a few tastes along the way. Try something new or stick with your favorite and enjoy the atmosphere, which is unique to each stop. Take a blanket along. With the right cheese and wine picnic, you might just find a new hobby or become an enthusiast. (ADNW promotes the designated driver program).

The Concert – Every week your local paper promotes neighborhood entertainment at area venues where local bands would just kill for an audience. For you MySpace’ers here’s one more use in which most bands post shows on their page with song samples and even directions to the show. Country, Blues, Rock Alternative, or Pop you’ll have a chance to expand you’re listening repertoire and maybe even see the next big thing before American Idol catches them. Break out those old Kiss T’s with a pair of Chuck Taylors and you’re set.

A Night at the Movies – Classic date but why make it normal? Spice it up a bit by finding a drive-in theater. You always get two movies for the price of one and it’s cozier than the regular theaters. You can load up on all your favorite snacks; bring a blanket and a pillow, tune in and ease the seat back. Hint: let him pick the flick and you’ll get bonus points for being easygoing, even though you still might miss most of the movie.

Coffee Klatch – (You might want to read the Acquired Taste section of ADNW before considering this date or at a minimum know your audience). Although Starbucks can’t replace the bar environment, it can provide a good atmosphere for learning more about each other. You could tell stories about others as they enter and leave. You might catch open mic night with some humor from an unknown “jalapeño on a stick” comic, a beatnik poet doing his best Mike Myers So I Married an Axe Murderer rendition, or an indie granola guitar hero wannabe. Grab a Carmel Macchiato and a scone and I bet you end up with a good laugh or someone to make fun of on the way home.

BASEBALL FAN ETIQUETTE 1

ADNW has taken on the task of stating and defending a selection of etiquette standards for baseball spectators. Here's part 1. This series is for fans of the National Pastime.


KIDS

For the health of the game, baseball is, and needs to be, a kid friendly sport. However, if you can’t get your little hellcat to sit still for a slice at Pizza Hut, you sure as hell don’t need to bring him / her to a 3-hour baseball game. Call me anti-kid if it helps you sleep at night. But my stance for any event or location is that I’m not cool with little Chucky screaming in my ear, running up and down the aisle, or wiping his nose on my pants. Unless you plan on spending the bulk of the game at the “super kiddie fun zone,” the trip is going to be a waste of your money (except that 8 seconds worth of “look at me and my baby at the game” pictures). A cheaper alternative would have been a Happy Meal. But that’s fine. I’m cool with you parting with the coin. Your investment just helped finance next year’s free agent pick-up. I primarily resent you for wasting my money, as I become an unwilling member of the village raising your child. I should never have to tell someone else’s kid - “No, don’t eat the bird crap off the seat.” “No, don’t dangle over the balcony railing.” Like a decent percentage of the attendees, I came to watch the action on the field, not listen to you scream futilely at your future inmate. If you can’t manage Damien, get a sitter, come to the game, scream futilely at the umpire, and we can all get along just fine.

Props to Sharp for the contribution

DJ BJ's Can't Miss Pick Up Lines 10

"Mama says I have to wait til 17 to get on the stripper pole."

A NOTE FROM THE EDITOR
Once again, veteran single man, DJ BJ shares some favorite pick up lines. Our apologies. These submissions do not represent the views of ADNW, nor are they guaranteed to actually work (nor keep you out of harms way).

Here's the tenth set folks. This makes an even hundred and I expect a book deal to be in the works. Better use them while they're fresh.

91) Are you scared of things that go bump in the night? Brace yourself, because I’m about to start bumping.
92) Did you have an imaginary friend as a child? Well, I’ve got a real friend for you down my pants.
93) I’m not dumb, but the ladies call me Dumbo. It’s because I’ve got junk like an elephant trunk, if you know what I mean.
94) I know a chick that isn’t sure if Godzilla is a dinosaur or big lizard. Why don’t you check in my pants to find out?
95) I overheard your boyfriend describe what it feels like to have testicles slapping his face. Perhaps it’s time for an upgrade?
96) Sure you’re out of my league. But, how about you have a little tune up in the minors tonight?
97) The way I stare at you might be creepy. Take it as a compliment. If you were ugly, I wouldn’t look at all.
98) I’m not from around here. How about you give me a tour of your body?
99) Are you a fan of those Potato Head guys with the interchangeable parts? Let’s see what my lips look like on your body.
100) Hey, you’d make a great stripper!