BATHROOM ETIQUETTE 3.1

ARCHITECTUAL FLAWS

Tight quarters – I recognize that real estate will always be at a premium, but in no case should I have to rub knees with the dipshit squatting next to me. Stranger or lifelong friend, hand holding proximity is unacceptable. Hopefully your moment on the throne will be relatively solitary. But if some dude is forced to neighbor up, there needs to be a suitable buffer zone.

Knobs are for knobs – If I can’t turn something on and off with a wave of my hand, I should be able to do it with a knuckle. [See Bathroom Etiquette Tip 2 (5/7/09)] There are plenty of douchebags out there that don’t wash. You should never have to touch anything with a bare hand that the last idiot just smeared his feces on.

EXIT STRATEGY– If a door opens outward, it helps eliminate the need to put a hand on a knob or handle in the first place. I’m willing to dodge a door swinging outward if it guarantees less foreign poo contact.

Trash can placement – If you’re a janitor that gets frustrated with the pile of paper towels on the floor near the exit to the bathroom, I would take this as a clue. It probably indicates the previous two items are an issue. You might consider a trashcan adjustment, because those of us unwilling to touch a diseased door handle will need somewhere to drop the barrier towel.

Hand crank towel dispensers – It’s a bit ironic that clean conscious people wash their hands then have to touch the wet, Petri dish of a handle on the community towel dispenser. If towels don’t self-dispense, it’s pretty much a waste of effort washing your hands.

BATHROOM ETIQUETTE 2.2

RULE 2 FOR HOME – MAKE IT USER FRIENDLY

For most of us mortals, our bathrooms are relatively modest. They are small and located in various places, some awkward and some not. Your crapper might be in a hidden corner, right in the middle of the house, or even between the kitchen and front door. Some of us have as many as 3-4 bathrooms, and many have as few as one. Because of these random variables, there are some important logistics to consider regarding making your crapper user-friendly.

First of all, when you have non-residents over consider sound control. If you serve your dinner guests a bowl full of beans, salsa and fried whatever, there’s going to be some consequences. When your dinner victims inevitably have to relieve some of that pressure, you don’t want to be sitting 5 feet away having a deep conversation and hear every juicy explosion. Obviously, you can’t practically soundproof your crapper. But, you can at least provide some background music, perhaps put some purposeful distance between the other guests and the shitter. Regardless, consider some type of adaptation to help offset that inevitably embarrassing moment.

Smell control is the same principle. If you’re going to have a party or even just a few friends over, light a candle directly in the bathroom. It’s a small investment and there is the slight chance that a drunken in-law might light himself on fire. But, it sure as hell beats the unceremonious sound of aerosol hissing after a curiously long trip to the can.

Otherwise, if your intention is to humiliate friends or make your guests exit immediately after milk and cookies, this is a great area to ignore.

BATHROOM ETIQUETTE 2.1

Dude, that's my car!

RULE 1 FOR HOME– KEEP IT CLEAN

You are more than welcome to be some type of terminal loaner, friendless mega-prick, or stuck ass deep in perpetual bachelorhood. But for the love of monkeys, please keep your bathroom in the realm of potentially clean, because we all know you’ll inevitably have a visitor. As one of those potential guests, I’d like to think that I wouldn’t have to battle Ebola, roaches, and rat terds for foot space in your crapper. Don’t get me wrong; I don’t expect your bathroom to be magazine cover ready. Just keep it off the disgusting list. Perhaps, have a bottle of Windex handy and put a brush and sanitizer in the toilet bowl now and again? Hell, at least keep some cleaning supplies in the vicinity, so I can wipe the seat down myself, if (heaven forbid) I am compelled to use your facility while there.

BATHROOM ETIQUETTE 1.4

RULE 4 – FLUSH IT!

There was an amusing line regarding human waste in Meet the Fockers. “If it’s yellow, let it mellow. If it’s brown, flush it down.” Regarding public bathrooms, I’m going to go out on a limb here and say, just flush it Focker! I’m all for being eco-conscious, but I simply don’t want to rate your diet by visually inspecting the consistency of your crap or judge your level of dehydration from the color of your piss. And I certainly don’t want to relate the term green to another man’s poo. I believe staying sanitary (and the bonus of eliminating smell) outweighs the perceived value of this water conservation strategy. I’m not well versed on green economy, but in my estimation, there should be some consideration for the environmental cost of meds and other consequences of healing the victims of poor sanitation. I hate to bring it up, but if you’ve ever been in a port-a-potty after a NASCAR race, you have experienced the worst-case scenario. I’m pretty sure that some of the Biblical plagues originated in a comparable environment. And let’s set aside the ecological impact for a moment - not seeing your business is good for my attitude, which is already on edge with having to share bathroom space with you in the first place. If you want to play chemistry experiment in the crapper, inflict it on your family members, not me.

PARANOID BATHROOM TIP OF THE WEEK 2

Those of you that do care about bathroom etiquette, generally think carefully about sanitation as well. Let others call you obsessive compulsive, while they amiably pass the plague. Here are some tips for keeping the experience as clean as possible.

TIP 3

Don’t touch the sink after you wash. You obviously have to touch the water faucet to turn it on, but plan ahead by grabbing a hand towel before you have to switch the water off after cleaning your hands. Not everyone actually uses soap, and like you, they had to touch the handle before they got clean. Worst case scenario – use an elbow, shirtsleeve or the back of your hand. Try not to use a digit that you might later use to pick your teeth or rub your eye.

BATHROOM ETIQUETTE 1.3

EDITOR'S NOTE - ADNW does not casually wade into the pool of public service announcements. Loyal readers will know our standard agenda meanders from lewd commentary (DJ BJ) to general enlightenment (Dr. Love). In fact, public service is generally against our principles. But, even ADNW has to take a stand now and again. In the following series, we’ll highlight what could be generously labeled – inappropriate public behavior. In so doing, we hope to actively become agents of change. Idiots take note.

SERIES 1 - RULES FOR PUBLIC BATHROOMS
I have a palpable disdain for public bathrooms. I think they’re customarily dirty, they lack privacy, and you have to share space that regrettably exposes and exaggerates conflicting personal and cultural norms. This initial series of posts will deal with setting some ground rules.

RULE 3 - MIND YOUR BUSINESS
At least once, many a dude has had the awkward experience of another guy checking him out at a public urinal. Seriously. I don’t care if you’re gay, straight, or a unicorn. If you’re just that curious, buy a magazine or hit the Internet. Ladies, just so you know (and I despise that this has to be clarified), part of the code is that you don’t gawk at another dude’s junk while whizzing. Obviously, urinals offer dramatically less privacy than stalls. Best practice is to keep your eyes on your own stuff, (you know, for maintenance purposes) and perhaps look straight ahead at the wall. If, as a dude, you can’t fight the urge to peek around, hold out for a damn stall. Or better yet, don’t go out in public. Convention is that you keep your presence low key.

The exception is sporting event banter. Go ahead and share some good-natured smack talk with the fellas. But, it’s definitely not cool to overplay the testosterone. For example, every once in a while I see some dipshit standing at a stall in a superman pose. In case you missed the visual, superman pose means a dude places both hands on his hips, chin up, and head roughly turned 90 degrees. I’m expecting these dudes to shout, “Up, up and away!” I know, you might think, “what’s the harm”? If the guy looks like a tool, who’s it hurting? Well, part of the code is that you need to use at least one of those hands to control your junk. I don’t even want to think about what could happen if Superdouche pisses on my shoe. Besides, it’s proper to provide a bit of a visual shield. I don’t want some peripheral eye sore. Nobody cares if you’re John Holmes and can brag about it dipping in the bowl; keep it to yourself. The moral to the story is – mind your business!

PARANOID BATHROOM TIP OF THE WEEK 2

Those of you that do care about bathroom etiquette, generally think carefully about sanitation as well. Let others call you obsessive compulsive, while they amiably pass around the plague. Here are some tips for keeping the experience as clean as possible.

TIP 2
Pre-pump the hand towel

In a future post, I’ll discuss in depth the engineering idiocy of having to re-dirty your hands on a self-crank paper towel dispenser. For now, I’ll submit that you can expect this customarily wet germ dispenser to give you a bonus dose of the flu or cholera with each helping of towel. You simply can’t know who just wiped an ass, blew a nose, or engaged in some unspeakable activity before touching it. So, before you wash your hands (unless using an automatic dispenser), spend a moment to dispense your hand towel in advance of washing. Thus, you bypass the chance of undoing all the good you just did.

Yes, on occasion some jackass will slip into your bubble and snag your pre-pumped towel. That’s the major disadvantage of public bathrooms – the inclusion of the rest of the public. If that happens, do as the shampoo salesman suggests – rinse, lather and repeat. There’s also the too frequent possibility that the towel dispenser will be empty. If lucky, you had the forethought to stick a paper towel in your pocket. Otherwise, you’re stuck flinging your hands dry or using your pants. But, if you are stuck with the air dryer only option (one more spectacular reason to avoid McDonalds), by all means dry your hands. Just be careful to avoid touching the button. Ideally, use an elbow or some body part you won’t likely stick in your eye later. The big concern is then avoiding door handles on the way out. Best of luck with that.

BATHROOM ETIQUETTE 1.2

Editor’s Note ADNW does not casually wade into the pool of public service announcements. Loyal readers will know our standard agenda meanders from lewd commentary (DJ BJ) to general enlightenment (Dr. Love). In fact, public service is generally against our principles. But, even ADNW has to take a stand now and again. In the following series, we’ll highlight what could be generously labeled – inappropriate public behavior. In so doing, we hope to actively become agents of change. Idiots take note.

SERIES 1 - RULES FOR PUBLIC BATHROOMS
I have a palpable disdain for public bathrooms. I think they’re customarily dirty, they lack privacy, and you have to share space that regrettably exposes and exaggerates conflicting personal and cultural norms. This initial series of posts will deal with setting some ground rules.

RULE 2 - FOCUS
As a rule, I don’t want to listen in on your phone conversation (more on that topic later). This is especially true when I’m in the bathroom. With the runaway proliferation of cell phones, I think we’ve all seen this. Some of you have probably done it. Personally, I have a strict “no fly zone” policy for phones in bathrooms. I don’t care if Abraham Lincoln wakes from the dead and personally calls to tell me that lovable aliens will hand off my billion dollar lottery winnings on a flight to planet Xanadu. I’m not answering. Therefore, you won’t convince me that your conversation with mommy about the furry, green boogey you just picked will somehow reach a level of relevance worthy of public broadcast in this private domain. Regardless, I keenly remember being victim of one of these idiots, who rolled in to a stall, dropped his pants, blew ass, and never broke stride in the phone conversation. Now, I’m not saying that you can’t enjoy a quality fart with a friend. But, I have had the joy of being on the other end of the phone on occasion. News flash dumbass – WE CAN HEAR YOU! Think about the physics. If you can hear something that came out of your ass all the way up to your ear, do you think it magically bypasses the region of your mouth, and therefore cell microphone? Were you counting on a poor connection, static, or the masking sound of a couple dozen ass’s simultaneously ringing out creating some type of white ass noise? The bottom line is, I don’t want to hear it, or vicariously experience the discomfort of your boss on the other end. Let’s just leave it at – keep the friggin phone in your pocket! I’m barely tolerating you being in the bathroom with me in the first place. I sure as hell don’t want your mommy listening in too.

Secondarily, you’re the same phone addict that can’t take a 3-minute drive without calling your girlfriend, life coach, or BFF. Therefore, from watching you weave all over the road, I know how much you suck at multi-tasking. I don’t even want to think how your lack of focus in the bathroom impacts your hygiene. But, I can say that those boils on your ass are no coincidence. For your sake and your proctologist's, put the phone away and clean yourself up for a change of pace.

BATHROOM ETIQUETTE 1.1

EDITOR'S NOTE
ADNW does not casually wade into the pool of public service announcements. Loyal readers will know our standard agenda meanders from lewd commentary (DJ BJ) to general enlightenment (Dr. Love). In fact, public service is generally against our principles. But, even ADNW has to take a stand now and again. In the following series, we’ll highlight what could be generously labeled – inappropriate public behavior. In so doing, we hope to actively become agents of change. Idiots take note.

SERIES 1 - RULES FOR PUBLIC BATHROOMS
I have a palpable disdain for public bathrooms. I think they’re customarily dirty, they lack privacy, and you have to share space that regrettably exposes and exaggerates conflicting personal and cultural norms. This initial series of posts will deal with setting some ground rules.

RULE 1 – WASH UP
If you’re a glutton for punishment and perhaps a half dose naïve, a short stay in a public bathroom could prove enlightening. There are a disturbing number of dudes that don’t seem to care about sanitation. I, for one, believe that any trip to the bathroom (public or private) merits washing your damn hands. Whether due to personal belief, laziness, or ignorance, not everyone apparently agrees. There’s a classic military joke. A sailor lectures a marine about how after taking a piss; in the navy they train them to wash their hands. The marine cleverly retorts, “Marines are trained not to piss on their hands.” That’s swell, and arguably funny. But here’s the deal, you still touched your cock! In no way, shape or form do I want to vicariously touch your penis if there’s the slightest chance that later we might shake hands. Let’s not even delve into the arena of what happens when you take a dump. Let’s just leave it at wash your friggin hands! I don’t want to touch anything - your hand, a door handle, a phone, a lampshade - that has vicariously touched your junk or poo.

PARANOID TIP OF THE DAY
Those of you that do care about bathroom etiquette, generally think carefully about sanitation. Let others call you obsessive compulsive, while they indiscriminately pass the plague. Here are some tips for keeping the experience as clean as possible.

TIP 1
Don’t toss that paper towel too early – I believe that the end of cleanliness begins with the next surface you touch. Delay that as long as possible by using your hand towel as a barrier between you and any door handles on your way out of the cesspool.