I Hate New Hampshire - Part 2 of 7

As indicated by the title, this is part two of a seven part "I Hate New Hampshire" series. This is not the casual observations of a visitor. Rather, my impressions were gathered during a painful year of actual residency. Beware all who follow.

HEALTH AND SAFETY

Sanitary toilet covers – Disturbingly, bathrooms in New Hampshire have no sanitary toilet covers. Call me obsessive compulsive, and I’ll proudly wear that label when my ass is separated from another man’s feces. Perhaps the fairer and more conscientious gender could get by without sanitary toilet covers (and that’s being generous), but males cannot / should not look past perpetually pissed and crapped on public toilet seats. Until someone designs a better crapper, it will astound me that there are any public bathrooms sans sanitary seat covers. (I’ll save the tirade about how these never actually fit any toilet seat known to man for another day). Nevertheless, considering the number of dudes that sidestep hand washing, even if made available, plenty will continue to choose to ass swap fecal material by bypassing covers. But for the rest of us, how about giving a more user-friendly option than creating a toilet paper barricade and safer option than “hovering?” Unfortunately, this rant could apply to ¾ of the country. However, I anticipated a higher degree of evolution in New Hampshire – colonial old money refinement and whatever. Apparently, though, history and presumed sophistication does not translate into actual civility.

Sidewalks and bike lane aversion – I feel very fortunate to have not witnessed any motor vehicle / pedestrian accidents, but I know they must happen. New Hampshire’s road infrastructure is loosely based on rabbit and deer paths. The sparse population means they only have small, two lane roads that weave around like drunken frat boys. These lack shoulders, and infrequently host sidewalks or bike lanes. The combination turns even a simple task like checking your mailbox into a life or death adventure. Fitness and nature enthusiasts find it beautiful. I find it terrifying to drive up on darkly clothed teenagers riding skateboards at night. Interestingly, New Hampshire does post regular moose and deer crossing signs along the roads. At least the animals rate safer passage.

Even on this very road and in these conditions, or worse, I saw people walking dogs, and kids walking unsupervised. The only other choice was to hop on a snowmobile.

Well water and septic tank – This is another phenomenon not exclusive to the Northeast. In any state you’ll find rugged types that prefer wide-open spaces and that perpetual camp out under the stars atmosphere. However, in New Hampshire, home buyers have little choice. It’s either rural living or coastal living, and most people I know can’t afford an ocean view. The lack of public services is emblematic of New Hampshire. They have barely progressed beyond outhouses and wells that you run a bucket down with a hand crank. I know that septic tanks are an environmental improvement over dropping a duke directly in the stream, but my back mightily protested the 2 afternoons I spent digging a hole in the ground to locate and then have some dude suck out the poo. Seriously – there’s no trap door, nor outlet pipe. You literally have to dig a 2-3 foot deep, and about 6 by 8 feet wide friggin hole in your front yard, through grass, topsoil, and boulder sized chunks of granite (Did I mention it’s the granite state? That’s bad news for people that have to dig a hole or avoid radon). But needless to say, nothing screams sophistication like an exposed vat of crap in your front yard. “Call out the poo truck ma, the crapper’s full!”

As for the well water, I’ll simply say that I refuse to drink fluid from an aquifer my dogs crapped and pissed in. Yes, I understand there is quite a bit of filtering going on. But seriously, I like knowing the flavor of my water has nothing in common with that lazy piss the neighbor took out in the yard. Furthermore, no matter what osmosis and filtering type stuff goes on, I’ll still have my doubts. I want my water bathed in chlorine, loaded up with fluoride and glowing in the dark. Hit me with whatever you got that completely obliterates the bacteria and biological stuff.

This is a well water filtration system, located in the basement of my former home. That black cup like thing in front of the baby blue cylinder contains the filter. Disgustingly, this filter was way overdue for a change. It's only black because it's full of the aforementioned gunk.

The dump – Again we have to sight the NH rural reality here. If you live in the country, you have to adapt a bit to country life. Instead of complaining about having to toss my own trash and recyclables in the back of my car (envision the inevitable spillage and smell) and then take it to the dump (pardon me, they don’t call it dump, rather they say something more p.c. like sanitation depository, hygienic reservoir, transfer station or whatever), I should probably just say thanks for delivering my mail.