I Hate New Hampshire - Part 1 of 7

As indicated by the title, this is part one of a seven part "I Hate New Hampshire" series. This is not the casual observations of a visitor. Rather, my impressions were gathered during a painful year of actual residency. Beware all who follow.

CLIMATE

Air conditioning - There is no doubt that NH is a winter wonderland. However, even Canada has a summer, and there’s certainly a summer in NH that includes hard core 90-degree butt dripping heat and humidity. The locals are under the impression that denial somehow overcomes oppressive heat. Therefore, virtually no home or business has central air. And when denial inevitably fails, Home Depot’s stock goes bananas with a rush on air conditioning window units and fans.

Pictured is a new house in rural New Hampshire. Note the window unit AC in close proximity to a super attractive propane tank, and the unidentified vent pipe in the foreground.


Black fly season – I’m not kidding, there is such a thing. In addition to winter, spring, summer, and fall, the locals have named a couple of weeks in the vicinity of early spring – “Black Fly Season.” Apparently this is such a devastatingly uncomfortable period that the bulk of the population desperately cowers in their homes as if fleeing nuclear fallout. Those that must venture outside, frequently do so in beekeeper style gear commonly sold at local hardware stores. This is all to prevent any encounter with the nasty, biting, merciless, little swarming bastards. However, during my one year in New Hampshire, because of some unseasonably cool and dry weather, the season was either averted or very delayed (until after I left). Consequently, I found the constant threat of waiting for the other shoe to drop seems about as enjoyable as actually having the shoe drop. I spent a lot of time and energy preparing myself for the ‘nuclear war’ that never came. Unfortunately, I must apologize to posterity for the potential damage my onslaught of preventative insecticides inflicted upon the environment.

Eternal winter – Geographically this is no surprise. If you move north, you’re going to get some winter. However, this knowledge doesn’t make it suck less. This last winter New Hampshire collected 90 plus inches of snow. That’s over 7.5 feet if you’re keeping score. Sure, we all have our winter war stories, but this was no incident or event. It was a recurring nightmare. Even more amusing was the fact that the crap never melted. Like a ski resort, we boasted a snow pack measurement of multiple feet for 5 months. I forgot how big my driveway was because regardless of how well the snow blower works, you just can’t follow lines that grow vertically as well as horizontally. Regardless, I have to ask the question – why the hell did Pilgrims decide to settle the area? Was it the snow or the ice they found most alluring? Call me crazy, but if I’m Christopher Columbus, I hang a left at the snow and ice and land somewhere with a warm beach.

This is a familiar New Hampshire scene. The most prominent variable is not how often you need the snow blower (about twice a week); rather it's the final depth of the snow pack. Note this picture is very early in the season.