BATHROOM ETIQUETTE 1.3

EDITOR'S NOTE - ADNW does not casually wade into the pool of public service announcements. Loyal readers will know our standard agenda meanders from lewd commentary (DJ BJ) to general enlightenment (Dr. Love). In fact, public service is generally against our principles. But, even ADNW has to take a stand now and again. In the following series, we’ll highlight what could be generously labeled – inappropriate public behavior. In so doing, we hope to actively become agents of change. Idiots take note.

SERIES 1 - RULES FOR PUBLIC BATHROOMS
I have a palpable disdain for public bathrooms. I think they’re customarily dirty, they lack privacy, and you have to share space that regrettably exposes and exaggerates conflicting personal and cultural norms. This initial series of posts will deal with setting some ground rules.

RULE 3 - MIND YOUR BUSINESS
At least once, many a dude has had the awkward experience of another guy checking him out at a public urinal. Seriously. I don’t care if you’re gay, straight, or a unicorn. If you’re just that curious, buy a magazine or hit the Internet. Ladies, just so you know (and I despise that this has to be clarified), part of the code is that you don’t gawk at another dude’s junk while whizzing. Obviously, urinals offer dramatically less privacy than stalls. Best practice is to keep your eyes on your own stuff, (you know, for maintenance purposes) and perhaps look straight ahead at the wall. If, as a dude, you can’t fight the urge to peek around, hold out for a damn stall. Or better yet, don’t go out in public. Convention is that you keep your presence low key.

The exception is sporting event banter. Go ahead and share some good-natured smack talk with the fellas. But, it’s definitely not cool to overplay the testosterone. For example, every once in a while I see some dipshit standing at a stall in a superman pose. In case you missed the visual, superman pose means a dude places both hands on his hips, chin up, and head roughly turned 90 degrees. I’m expecting these dudes to shout, “Up, up and away!” I know, you might think, “what’s the harm”? If the guy looks like a tool, who’s it hurting? Well, part of the code is that you need to use at least one of those hands to control your junk. I don’t even want to think about what could happen if Superdouche pisses on my shoe. Besides, it’s proper to provide a bit of a visual shield. I don’t want some peripheral eye sore. Nobody cares if you’re John Holmes and can brag about it dipping in the bowl; keep it to yourself. The moral to the story is – mind your business!