The Evolution of Englebert

You'd be mistaken to think he's past his prime. For kicks, Englebert Humperdinck steals wives at the local bistro with his deft accordion work.

From the Dr. Love Files -1.3

Body Part of the Week

Little Dimple – Sometimes this spot gets a bad wrap. Ancient folklore has it that this is the spot where they cut off the devil tail…and with recent tattoo’s it’s been tagged with “tramp stamp.” But whether you believe in legends or not, this little dimple just below the lower back and above their bubble bottom is one sexy spot.

Doctor Love’s Super Songs of Love and Romance (Intro)

They say music soothes the soul. I say it opens one’s heart. As a fan of all those cheesy Time Life collections and a connoisseur all things music (side project and second favorite subject), I bring you a collection of lists that will bring out the best romance of your lives. Expanding your music library just became easier as these lists will help you put it together right; at least when it comes to spice ‘n up your love style.

Super Songs #1 – 10 Soft Rock Classics you loved from the best unknown lovers.
In the seventies these musical studs knew the ways of the heart and presented it well with their words. Take a trip back with me to when love songs really were love songs.

I Wouldn’t Have Missed It For The World - Ronnie Millsap
The Most Beautiful Girl in the World – Charlie Rich
Key Largo – Bertie Higgins
I Go Crazy – Paul Davis
Falling – LeBlanc & Carr
Magnet & Steel – Walter Egan
If You Could Read Mind - Gordon Lightfoot
When You’re In Love with a Beautiful Woman – Dr. Hook & The Medicine Show
Fooled Around And Fell In Love – England Dan & John Ford Coley
After The Lovin’ – Englebert Humperdinck

Car Stereotypes 6

MINIVAN

When you were 9 years old and discovered that your baby face had faded and that no one would change your diaper anymore, you figured the next best option was to have a kid of your own to quickly launch your vicarious life. Eventually, you landed some sperm or a womb (gender respective) and got this vehicle during your yearlong baby-shower tour (where being a friend or family was not as important as if they were willing to bring gifts). You pray frequently that the kid will age slowly and continue to love you unconditionally, in spite of how much of an immature schmuck you are. Meanwhile, you bought all the stereotypical mommy and daddy crap you can get your insecure hands on so that everyone that reads, “baby on board” will hopefully see you (not the child) and think, oh, isn’t that precious. Ironically, you only have one child to fill up the other seven seats in your ride, because your idealized version of carpooling the other neighborhood brats didn’t work out so well, since the other parents make excuses to stay distant because they’re frankly terrified of the neurotic influence you would have on their children. Fortunately, your minivan does serve nicely as supplemental storage to house the mountain of toys and crayons and super achiever learner crap you constantly shower your spoiled bastard of a child with, because you have an even bigger mountain of shit piled up in your home. And, unfortunately, your son still seems super infatuated with Barney and that allegedly gay Teletubby, even though he just turned 12. You were also flattered to learn they had just invented a whole new term to describe you – “helicopter parent.” As proof, you own a couple t-shirts you frequently wear to school. To the teacher’s and other community member’s chagrin, you count yourself as a valuable member of your child’s “learning team,” even though you have been asked with some legal overtones to stop sitting in class with your child whom you still address publicly as Honey Poop. You also demand with lawyerly overtones that your child’s teachers, counselor, therapist, and pastor send you hourly updates to your email address honeypoopsmommy@_____.com.

**Disclaimer – this minivan stereotype seems particularly vicious, so if it helps, insert daddy in the email address instead.

JEEP WRANGLER

Dudes - After you brought the car home, put on your vanity plates and thematic tire cover, the buzz immediately wore off. It was just then you started to realize how badly this car sucks. You still drive it frequently to fraternity social events, because the other guys seem to think it will score the babes, but you secretly have become addicted to Aleve, since the ride is just so damn rough. You have taken it off-roading at the request of friends who didn’t know any better. Consequently, you all ended up too drunk to drive by the time the tow truck showed up to pull you off the rock you got stuck on.

Chicks – You’ve never met a beer pong table you didn’t like. You have a hard time reconciling your poor conditioning due to beer intake with your ultimate goal of participating in (but not necessarily winning) the wet t-shirt contest during this year’s spring break festivities. You haven’t gotten to the point of worrying that one day those pictures of you on the Internet just might bite you in the ass. You love to take the top off the jeep and yourself and would do so simultaneously if it weren’t so darn difficult to keep your hair out of your face while driving. However, your favorite joke is to get a dude in the jeep and try to trip him up on which top you’re offering to take off (and of course you ultimately mean your shirt). You’re hoping to score the right guy with a respectable trust fund and graduate early with a solid enough GPA (gifted with penis average) to earn your m.r.s. degree.

OLDSMOBUICK

Either the car has been in the family for a long time, or you got a pretty good deal on this boat from an old guy that finally broke down and bought his dream Caddy, which he’ll put 200 miles on a year, mostly traveling back and forth to the service shop hoping for another squeak to emerge that he can get fixed and therefore have some company. However, this car you have recently scored from the old dude is not so good on gas mileage, but peels out of a parking lot really well, even if it doesn’t actually physically fit in said parking lot. There’s no disguising it as anything else, so you embrace the classic hoopty look by tossing on some dashboard ornaments, getting some fresh rims, and perhaps saving money for the hydraulic package to make it go up and down. You actually calculate gas mileage by the block, rather than mile, and when a friend asks you to drive somewhere, you bitch nonstop about the price of fuel until they agree to pay for your share of the Taco Bell. The kids in the pimped neon’s are constantly trying to hustle you into racing them, and although you have no idea what you’re doing besides jamming your foot on the gas, you always seem to win. Afterwards, they beg you to go score them some beer, and let them hang out at your place to play X-Box.

Car Stereotypes 5

HYBRID / MINI-COOPER / MINI-WHATEVER

Until my recent post you folks hadn’t heard of the worms that eat newspaper, but you’re pretty curious and want to know if you can put one in your servant’s quarters. You do draw the line at having a compost pile, because you’ve heard it smells and you’re worried your peers may confuse the verbiage with something communist. After all, you have connections to “important” people and they are well aware that you own this vehicle, because you insert this little dose of political correctness into every conversation, memo, and editorial. You have run or inquired about running for political office at some level. You didn’t flinch when you paid the same for this car as your fellow committee member did for the Caddy, because money is no object. And although you’ve made an assload of money from your investments in big oil, you are personally doing your part to offset global warming one trip at a time to the gourmet coffee shop and Mano Swartz. You nearly had a stroke when you made the mistake of showing the car off to your redneck son-in-law who immediately tried to pick it up (metal audibly groaning) while singing the jingle “Fat Guy in a Little Coat” from the movie Tommy Boy. He then mercilessly launched into a series of jokes about how you wear your car instead of drive it. Meanwhile, God help you if you have an unpleasant encounter with one of those octogenarian Caddy owners, because after impact, your econo-box will look like a discarded can of Budweiser. And, as the paramedics strap you and your car to the stretcher, the octogenarian will absent-mindedly inquire about your insurance, while demanding AAA send someone out to assess the squeak he hears coming the vicinity of his unscratched bumper.

MID TO FULL SIZE IMPORT SEDANS

Pending the age of your car, and the gadgets you put in it, you’re pretty practical about just getting a car that functions. The car looks or at least at one time looked decent, but it doesn’t stroke your ego. And, you have learned to develop thick skin from your grandfather sarcastically asking you, “Hey boy, you own a Ford or a Chevy?” You do feel a twinge of guilt for not buying domestic, but you figure that if the American car companies had really wanted you to buy from them, they would have built cars that didn’t suck.

PIMPED OUT SMALL IMPORT OR WANNABE IMPORT

You think the movie “Fast and the Furious” was just so badass, that you quit high school to save cash from your part time job at Pizza Hut to pimp your ride. (Or, you were able to kick it up a notch because mommy and daddy bought you that bitchin Civic). Since then you’ve launched a promising career at a gas station, doing minor repairs and oil changes in order to squirrel away a few bucks. Never mind that you drive a Dodge Neon. You boldly piss away piles of money on that pair of mega-mufflers, some fresh flame decals, a fin on the trunk, and plastic wrap tinted windows (that has unfortunately sprouted some unsightly bubbles). This is your version of not being marvelous and instead looking marvelous. You bought something for your car recently that included the word “kit” in the label. You’re fairly sure that when you finally get all the gadgets in place, up to and including your little Luke Perry sideburns and cookie duster, you’ll be running the honeys in and out of your ride like a revolving door. For now, your only company is your little brother and his skater buddies, who really think you’re a peach with that remote control for the stereo you ironically sit right next to. The removable faceplate is kind of nice, even though you lost it once, broke it once and it’s been stolen twice anyway. But the kids are really most interested in the commodore 64 game system that you had installed before you realized that pong wasn’t compatible with your 4 inch television monitor that whacks you in the head every time you lean over toward the empty passenger seat, that you primarily use for storing your extensive hip-hop music collection and the new DVD box-set of Fast and the Furious 1 - 5. You feel particularly confident about yourself when your “lid” (meaning backward baseball hat with no curve to the bill) matches your ambiguously gang related t-shirt. You prefer to wear a hoody over your baseball cap, but haven’t quite figured out how to do that really comfortably with your cap on backwards and to the side. Your alternative look is to wear a fancy knitted stocking cap when it’s warm out, and regardless the type of hat, you are obsessive about continually pulling it low over your eyebrows for the perfect Vanilla Ice look. You’re debating on weather to spend your next paycheck on gas, or new wheels for your skateboard. You think your parents are prudes for bitching at you for your choice of wardrobe, lack of priorities, and curiously awkward urban accent that has no resemblance to the kid they knew 2 years ago that used to talk like the suburban white kid you are. When they really put the heat on, you angrily toss aside your PS2 controller and stomp to your bedroom, of the home you still live in with them, gripping the belt of your pants to keep them from dropping the remainder of the way to the floor.

Casual King

Either the King lives, or somebody let a loved one leave home this way.

From the Dr. Love Files -1.2

Fallacy 2 – Five Good Girlfriend Behaviors
Sometimes it seems men get slammed for being insensitive. Often our only mistake is that things didn’t play out how she imagined it would. Well ladies pay attention. This list just might help you understand where we’re coming from.

1. Public affection = If you’re all over him in front of his friends, he’s going to enjoy it; just don’t be obnoxious.

2. Giving gifts = You should give gifts early and often but there’s really only one real gift required.

3. Hanging with the guys = You spending an afternoon on the couch watching football with his friends there is NOT what he had in mind!

4. Lingerie = It’s always nice if it matches; leave it on the floor if you’d like.

5. Leaving stuff at his place = Tells him you can’t wait to come back!

Body Part of the Week (Intro)
Now you know as well as I do that a woman’s body is a wonderland and there’s not one single thing about it that is imaginary. I mean we imagine every little intricate part over and over and over...isn’t that what we’re supposed to dream about? This is meant with all the respect in the world, and let’s face it ladies you have it and you know how to use it. We love you inside and out!

Hip Groove – One of the Doctor’s favorite spots; it’s that little groove below the waste line that runs from the hip to the mommy parts…

Car Stereotypes 4

LARGE PICKUP

You may not hunt, but you think gun racks are dreamy. You preach loudly that there are only two types of music – country and western, but you have a hidden preset for hip hop that you play when nobody else is around. You bitch about “them damn A-rabs,” but spend half your paycheck on gas and have never quite recognized the contradiction. You have either forwarded an email or quoted Ann Coulter, Rush Limbaugh, or Michelle Malkin, and have used the term “myth” in combination with the terms “recycling” and “global warming.” You’re a little worried that Al Gore might be the Anti-Christ. You may not remember what the hell movie(s) he was in, but you proudly claim NRA champion Charleton Heston as one of your all time hero’s, and when you gingerly wash your beloved beast, you take special time to clear the beer cans out of the bed and chew stains from the outside of your door. You have either bought or rigged ramps to pull your “hog” or 4-wheeler into the bed, and you have your eye on that special tow hitch package with the slightly vulgar, dangling tow balls. You know what a potato gun is, and you don’t mind so much when occasionally the bull wins.


SMALL / MEDIUM AND WORK PICKUP

You are clearly in it for the functionality. Congratulations, because pride did not overcome practical. The truck is probably not your primary car, and you bitch a lot about people constantly asking you to help them move. By the way, you do help, nearly every time. You are conscious to heap extra weight in the bed for ballast in the winter, and you think the truck is equally handy when you hit the grocery store or the links. You know your way around landscaping, and have been recruited to transport lawn equipment, sod, rock, or other assorted landscaping materials more than once.


LOWERED TRUCK

Either you think you’re going to get a walk on roll in a NASCAR truck event, or you tried to pimp this ride. I won’t spoil the forthcoming segment on pimped rides, but for this specific sub-segment, I’ll fill you guys in on a little secret. Rednecks everywhere think there’s a special place in hell for you.

Industrial Strength

This guy should have listened to Dr. Love.

From the Dr. Love Files - 1.1

Fallacies (Intro)

In the spirit of everything that is wrong with Cosmopolitan, Glamour or Marie Claire, the Doctor brings you some much-needed medicine. Whether you’re a man (and you hear it from your lover) or woman (die hard reader and quiz taker) you are forced to be like the Hollywood Stars you love to hate and buy into the hype that love, relationships or good old fashion sex sells magazines. The problem is… who is writing this crap and does it really work? This weekly serial is the solution you might be looking for. It will be a collection of articles, lists, and even quiz’s of uncommon nomenclature giving you the common sense you always wanted when dealing with people of the opposite sex.

Fallacy - Five Things to do After a Break Up

We’ve all been there before, blaming yourself for what went wrong or missing the one that got away; no need to sit at home and sulk there’s too many fish in the sea. Let these 5 simple rules get you back on track.

1) Indulge your list of vices – Now you might say, be careful (and you should) but what’s more fun than doing all the things the old ball ‘n’ chain never let you do. No one’s telling you NO anymore.

2) Road Trip – Get out on the open road and forgeddaboutit. A change of scenery with the wind in your hair and nothing but opportunity in mind.

3) Nurture a new crush – The last thing on your mind is probably developing new butterflies, but strike up conversation with the local Starbucks barista or that bartender you’ve been meaning to get to know.

4) Out of site/out of mind – remove all those mementos and keepsakes that just seem to keep popping up around the house that remind you of your ex. Box them up at a minimum.

5) Celebrate your freedom – Look, you spent a lot of time doing what they wanted and not what you like to do. You had a life before and you’ve got one now -- Get out there again and do those things on your bucket list.

Car Stereotypes 3

This is the third submission in the car stereotype series. See the March 7 introductory post for background and disclaimers. Following are car types and a description of the prototypical owner.

NEW VOLKSWAGEN

You’re either gay or whimsical granola. In either case, you think the little flower holder on the Bug dashboard is cute and quite functional. You perpetually have a bumper sticker that says, “Don’t blame me, I voted for ____.” And, it’s a mystery to you how regardless the party, you always seem to pick the loser. If they made such a thing, a dry erase bumper sticker would have been a sound investment. You’re also accustomed to people snooping around your car judgmentally looking for rainbow stickers. When you did your first walk around in the new car lot, you commented about how well your recycling waste would fit in the trunk, and although you don’t necessarily like the look, you like the terminology well enough to consider putting a bra on your car.

VINTAGE VOLKSWAGEN

If they have not said it to your face, people whisper behind your back, they worry you’re a serial killer. At the minimum, you’re granola, the alternative being militant granola. If female, you definitely have gone through a phase where you didn’t shave your armpits and leg hair, and you have pictures prominently displayed somewhere to prove it. You hike religiously, probably consider yourself an artist of some type (photographer likely), and consider McDonalds to be devil food. If you’re not actually a serial killer, you definitely know your way around a bong, and you’ve either been to Burning Man, plan to go in the near future, or at least think it’s “bitchin.” You likely know your way around something other people would label an extreme sport, and have at some point tried to scheme a way into somehow make money doing it.

SUBARU AND VOLVO WAGON


You are practical granola. You don’t just eat tofu and sprouts for the taste. It’s about the health benefits. You get a little tweaked when people say that you’re a jogger, instead of a runner. (Although, in my opinion, if you don’t hear the wind whistling in your ears, you’re not running. That’s jogging or “yogging” if you’re a fan of Anchorman). People seem a bit off balance around you, because you strike them as a bit high-strung. You easily could have been sergeant at arms for a militia if things had gone slightly differently in your life. However, as it turned out, you still think you’re smarter than everyone else, and you are stoked to have a bucket of worms in your basement to eat your daily newspaper. You haven’t met a compost pile you don’t like. And, you aren’t a slave to vanity, as you will undeniably prove by driving this wagon around for the next 20 years.

DODGE MAGNUM

All I got to say about this one is – IT’S A FREAKING STATION WAGON YOU MORON!!! Add some wood paneling, pile on some luggage and you’re a whisper away from being the Griswold’s. You do have to give major props to the marketing team at Dodge. They somehow sold this macho wagon angle.

Car Stereotypes 2

This is the second submission in the car stereotype series. See the March 7 introductory post for background and disclaimers. Following are car types and a description of the prototypical owner.

CADILLAC

You’re either way older than me, or inherited this boat. If older, you spend a lot of time taking your car back and forth to the shop because it always makes a funny noise, and you still haven’t quite figured out how to use the Onstar. You bravely suffer the glares of judgmental peers, who think you’ve foolishly blown a significant chunk of your retirement, although they love it when you pick them up for church. You sadly endure the judgmental glare of your children and grandchildren, who have boldly started to discuss the term inheritance to your face, while trying in vain to suppress the increasingly psychotic look in their eyes. The girth of this ride makes you feel considerably more secure, given your diminishing driving skills, while simultaneously making the rest of us feel way less comfortable because of the damage you could inflict when we’re on the wrong end of you accidentally confusing the gas for the brake. Fortunately, if we survive, we have the consolation of knowing that you have the best and most comprehensive insurance money can buy.
If you’re a youthful Caddy owner, first of all, I’m sorry for your loss. Secondly, by “loss” I’m not talking about the financial hit you took by having to split your inheritance money with that new Parrot wing at the local zoo that, for no consolation to you, will have your family name on it.


LINCOLN


You really, really wanted a Cadillac, but you have family that works or worked for Ford (makers of Lincoln products). You have at least considered coming to blows with some dude that told you Ford sucks, because he not only insulted your heritage, but he failed to differentiate your premium ride from the standard poor man’s Ford brand.


CADILLAC SUV

You are super-geeked about the little emblem on your car that says Caddy, while being able to maintain your fresh / hip / youthful status. You either have no need for money, or this vehicle represents a bigger investment than you made in your home. Either way, you didn’t realize, or didn’t care that this is the same damn car as the current Chevy / GM version of the product (all 3 brands are General Motors – FYI. They just change some chrome, and superficial crap to create the illusion of differentiation). You get to endure the stares from suspicious old folks that tend to lurk around the repair shop hoping to find a fresh body to engage in conversation. If among the wealthy segment, you have a membership at a local golf course and the best set of clubs money can buy, which temporarily buys you credibility on the course until your playing partners quickly realize that no you’re not just having a bad day. You suck. You still are pleased to give the cart boy a semi-generous tip, while sharing for the 145th consecutive time your joke about the caddie dropping your clubs off in your Caddy.

Car Stereotypes 1

This is the first submission in the car stereotype series. See the March 7 introductory post for background and disclaimers. Short story – I will list car types then describe the prototypical owner.

HUMMER - FULL SIZE

You’re a dude that loves to wear muscle shirts and those white undershirts known reverently as “wife beaters.” You were a huge fan of Miami Vice, back in the day, and have experimented with the Don Johnson stubble look. You would proudly vote the “Governator” for President (it’s even money you understand why this can’t happen), and have seriously considered taking steroids when you were young and stupid (last year). You love the attention you get wearing $300 sunglasses indoors, at night, while trolling for mall babes (a.k.a. – teenage girls). And, you still think people are staring at you because the indoor, night shades are a good look. You’re pretty sure the sweet ass Bluetooth earpiece, that sits full time on your ear, lends even more credibility to your “playa” look, but you have that old west, cowboy style cell phone holster to keep you grounded. You’re pretty haunted with the vague realization that due to the decaying economy and building focus on global warming, your testosterone rollercoaster is coming to an abrupt ending. This point was hammered home the previous weekend when you got cold cocked by a bulimic, vegan, sorority waif you tried to hook up with at the dance club. So, you have your eyes open, desperately seeking the next big thing that will most comfortably enhance / broadcast your masculinity. Currently you’re considering a Harley, but deep down you know you’d get your ass kicked the first time you rode, and besides, your mom would be pissed.

HUMMER - SMALL

You love the look and attitude of those bad boys in the leather / parachute pants that drive the big Hummer, but you don’t quite have the blinding ego. Consequently, you do worry a bit about the environment, and other people perceiving you as pretentious. But, the real story is that you gave the big Hummer a test drive and realized you’re just not a good enough driver to handle this size vehicle, after you nearly killed someone pulling out of the parking lot during your test drive. You also have a secret fantasy to one day drive your mini-hummer around town wearing only a cowboy hat, boots, and assless chaps.

Hershey W. Dog

Now who wouldn't want to look like this guy? By the way, the W. stands for Wassup.

Car Stereotype Intro

A popular adage states dogs and their owners grow to look alike. I don’t really buy it, but I do believe certain people tend to choose particular types of dogs. Macho dudes / gangsters buy the fighting dog flavor of the day. The Paris Hilton wannabe’s have a little toy dog to carry around, and apparently retired folks are compelled to keep a poodle. You could see how some of the physical traits (muscular, petite, white curly hair) reflect the owners. To the delight of sociologists everywhere, we frequently rush to embrace our own stereotype.

I don’t intend to play the ‘holier than though’ card, but I’m a simple ‘get the dog from a shelter’ type. I’m happy that this is a good thing. But in reality, I generally have low standards. So, mutts suit me just fine. Sure, I find it peculiar when someone spends hundreds or even thousands of dollars on a particular breed (except perhaps the hypoallergenic type), but it’s a personal choice. However, that purchase itself is a very informative bit of data, and the pricier the item, the more intriguing the evidence.

Stepping up a few rungs on the monetary ladder let’s consider a persons auto. One automotive maxim is that red cars get more tickets. I don’t blame the car. Rather, I think people that buy red cars tend to drive faster. Consequently, by my reckoning, this car stereotype does have some backward merit. The car didn’t define the person. The person defines him or herself by the car he or she chooses.


Of course, there are mitigating variables in any good stereotype. Age of the vehicle is important information – obviously you can have a Caddy, but lose a lot of the luster because it’s a 20 year old, rusted out pile. (Curiously, I don’t happen to notice a lot of aging Caddy’s on the road. The jury’s still out on if the product sucks, or if they were all wrecked by the geriatric crowd).

Similarly, there’s a load of information in the trimmings. Some people are exceptionally skilled at accessorizing. I’m not one of them. At this stage, it’s a victory when I get a belt on and double bonus points if the color / style matches my jeans, shorts, sandals, whatever. Accessorizing takes thought, and frankly I’m not terribly interested. (There was a brief period in 1990 when I wore an earring, but I couldn’t look at myself in the mirror without saying, “Good God man, what’s wrong with you?”) Anyway, we accessorize our cars too – stereo, paint job, beads, bras, tinting, ground effects, wheels, spinners, search light, fog lights, tow ball, tow package, air intake, muffler, aerodynamic enhancements, tail gates, etc. Clearly the degree to which you’re willing to differentiate your ride from factory specs, says something about you and your needs.

In the following, I will boldly brush aside individuality and make some grand generalizations to maximize my personal entertainment. As a former member of the automotive industry (since reformed), I was able to get a good sense for the owners of particular types of cars. The following series of posts will be my vision of the prototypical owner by car type. Keep in mind, of course everything I say is colored by my experience, worldview, and tendency to embellish. But for clarity, I’ll waste some energy dropping a disclaimer here – although stereotypes are fun, potentially informative, and human nature to construct, they do not define a person. There are always exceptions. No individual should be put in a box and blah, blah, blah. Okay, we cool now? Now, stay tuned for the following installment, which will be the first in a series of car stereotypes.