Car Stereotypes 3

This is the third submission in the car stereotype series. See the March 7 introductory post for background and disclaimers. Following are car types and a description of the prototypical owner.

NEW VOLKSWAGEN

You’re either gay or whimsical granola. In either case, you think the little flower holder on the Bug dashboard is cute and quite functional. You perpetually have a bumper sticker that says, “Don’t blame me, I voted for ____.” And, it’s a mystery to you how regardless the party, you always seem to pick the loser. If they made such a thing, a dry erase bumper sticker would have been a sound investment. You’re also accustomed to people snooping around your car judgmentally looking for rainbow stickers. When you did your first walk around in the new car lot, you commented about how well your recycling waste would fit in the trunk, and although you don’t necessarily like the look, you like the terminology well enough to consider putting a bra on your car.

VINTAGE VOLKSWAGEN

If they have not said it to your face, people whisper behind your back, they worry you’re a serial killer. At the minimum, you’re granola, the alternative being militant granola. If female, you definitely have gone through a phase where you didn’t shave your armpits and leg hair, and you have pictures prominently displayed somewhere to prove it. You hike religiously, probably consider yourself an artist of some type (photographer likely), and consider McDonalds to be devil food. If you’re not actually a serial killer, you definitely know your way around a bong, and you’ve either been to Burning Man, plan to go in the near future, or at least think it’s “bitchin.” You likely know your way around something other people would label an extreme sport, and have at some point tried to scheme a way into somehow make money doing it.

SUBARU AND VOLVO WAGON


You are practical granola. You don’t just eat tofu and sprouts for the taste. It’s about the health benefits. You get a little tweaked when people say that you’re a jogger, instead of a runner. (Although, in my opinion, if you don’t hear the wind whistling in your ears, you’re not running. That’s jogging or “yogging” if you’re a fan of Anchorman). People seem a bit off balance around you, because you strike them as a bit high-strung. You easily could have been sergeant at arms for a militia if things had gone slightly differently in your life. However, as it turned out, you still think you’re smarter than everyone else, and you are stoked to have a bucket of worms in your basement to eat your daily newspaper. You haven’t met a compost pile you don’t like. And, you aren’t a slave to vanity, as you will undeniably prove by driving this wagon around for the next 20 years.

DODGE MAGNUM

All I got to say about this one is – IT’S A FREAKING STATION WAGON YOU MORON!!! Add some wood paneling, pile on some luggage and you’re a whisper away from being the Griswold’s. You do have to give major props to the marketing team at Dodge. They somehow sold this macho wagon angle.