Car Stereotypes 1

This is the first submission in the car stereotype series. See the March 7 introductory post for background and disclaimers. Short story – I will list car types then describe the prototypical owner.

HUMMER - FULL SIZE

You’re a dude that loves to wear muscle shirts and those white undershirts known reverently as “wife beaters.” You were a huge fan of Miami Vice, back in the day, and have experimented with the Don Johnson stubble look. You would proudly vote the “Governator” for President (it’s even money you understand why this can’t happen), and have seriously considered taking steroids when you were young and stupid (last year). You love the attention you get wearing $300 sunglasses indoors, at night, while trolling for mall babes (a.k.a. – teenage girls). And, you still think people are staring at you because the indoor, night shades are a good look. You’re pretty sure the sweet ass Bluetooth earpiece, that sits full time on your ear, lends even more credibility to your “playa” look, but you have that old west, cowboy style cell phone holster to keep you grounded. You’re pretty haunted with the vague realization that due to the decaying economy and building focus on global warming, your testosterone rollercoaster is coming to an abrupt ending. This point was hammered home the previous weekend when you got cold cocked by a bulimic, vegan, sorority waif you tried to hook up with at the dance club. So, you have your eyes open, desperately seeking the next big thing that will most comfortably enhance / broadcast your masculinity. Currently you’re considering a Harley, but deep down you know you’d get your ass kicked the first time you rode, and besides, your mom would be pissed.

HUMMER - SMALL

You love the look and attitude of those bad boys in the leather / parachute pants that drive the big Hummer, but you don’t quite have the blinding ego. Consequently, you do worry a bit about the environment, and other people perceiving you as pretentious. But, the real story is that you gave the big Hummer a test drive and realized you’re just not a good enough driver to handle this size vehicle, after you nearly killed someone pulling out of the parking lot during your test drive. You also have a secret fantasy to one day drive your mini-hummer around town wearing only a cowboy hat, boots, and assless chaps.