Car Stereotypes 2

This is the second submission in the car stereotype series. See the March 7 introductory post for background and disclaimers. Following are car types and a description of the prototypical owner.

CADILLAC

You’re either way older than me, or inherited this boat. If older, you spend a lot of time taking your car back and forth to the shop because it always makes a funny noise, and you still haven’t quite figured out how to use the Onstar. You bravely suffer the glares of judgmental peers, who think you’ve foolishly blown a significant chunk of your retirement, although they love it when you pick them up for church. You sadly endure the judgmental glare of your children and grandchildren, who have boldly started to discuss the term inheritance to your face, while trying in vain to suppress the increasingly psychotic look in their eyes. The girth of this ride makes you feel considerably more secure, given your diminishing driving skills, while simultaneously making the rest of us feel way less comfortable because of the damage you could inflict when we’re on the wrong end of you accidentally confusing the gas for the brake. Fortunately, if we survive, we have the consolation of knowing that you have the best and most comprehensive insurance money can buy.
If you’re a youthful Caddy owner, first of all, I’m sorry for your loss. Secondly, by “loss” I’m not talking about the financial hit you took by having to split your inheritance money with that new Parrot wing at the local zoo that, for no consolation to you, will have your family name on it.


LINCOLN


You really, really wanted a Cadillac, but you have family that works or worked for Ford (makers of Lincoln products). You have at least considered coming to blows with some dude that told you Ford sucks, because he not only insulted your heritage, but he failed to differentiate your premium ride from the standard poor man’s Ford brand.


CADILLAC SUV

You are super-geeked about the little emblem on your car that says Caddy, while being able to maintain your fresh / hip / youthful status. You either have no need for money, or this vehicle represents a bigger investment than you made in your home. Either way, you didn’t realize, or didn’t care that this is the same damn car as the current Chevy / GM version of the product (all 3 brands are General Motors – FYI. They just change some chrome, and superficial crap to create the illusion of differentiation). You get to endure the stares from suspicious old folks that tend to lurk around the repair shop hoping to find a fresh body to engage in conversation. If among the wealthy segment, you have a membership at a local golf course and the best set of clubs money can buy, which temporarily buys you credibility on the course until your playing partners quickly realize that no you’re not just having a bad day. You suck. You still are pleased to give the cart boy a semi-generous tip, while sharing for the 145th consecutive time your joke about the caddie dropping your clubs off in your Caddy.