ACQUIRED TASTES – Part 1 of 4

Judge me as you will, but I don’t understand the coffee shop craze. In my opinion, it’s a remnant of the sitcom Friends. Which, as you surely recall, prominently used a coffee shop set. My assumption is that their coffee shop was an attempt to simulate a bar like environment (a la Cheers). But, it strategically provided a more wholesome setting for the youthful characters (and a not so subtle departure from the loveable, yet not so pretty Norm). Consequently, Friends launched or at least proliferated an industry (of course, this is just my version of history, although now that it’s in writing, it must be true). Admittedly, it’s ironic to claim Friends was concerned about appearing righteous when at the same time the sitcom did more for erect nipples than Freon. But, this is where we are. The Starbucks phenomenon is sort of like Frazier following Cheers.

My quandary is that in the real world, there’s no way a coffee shop can replace a bar environment. Other than having a muted bohemian feel, there’s no real element of excitement. There’s no sustainable atmosphere. Perhaps if I’m feeling particularly narcissistic or masochistic, I might check out open mic night, but I’m sure as hell not sticking around for the after party. What would that even look like? A couple dudes playing a heated game of Trivial Pursuit? And sure, I can surf the web for hours on free wireless, but who wants 12 lattes with his wings, and decreasingly covert boob ogling? The discrepancy is alcohol. Millions of religious fundamentalists will disagree, but alcohol is marvelous social lubricant. Coffee is not. Coffee gets you jacked up and makes you want to have a slap fight with a gorilla. And amusingly, in spite of the fact that it’s a place where nobody knows your name, the coffee shop still bothers to offer seats. More astounding is that I have actually seen people occupying tables. Perhaps I could understand hanging out and taking in the ambiance of the outdoor, café style tables. Maybe. But, that’s just because I’m assuming these devotees are passing a joint between frappuccino and espresso rounds.