BASEBALL FAN ETIQUETTE 8

FOUL BALLS - Part 1

There’s a simple rule. Stay in your zone. It’s pathetic and offensive to watch some douchebag race 30 rows over to poach a ball. Sadly, I actually have to state the following. In no venue is it okay to knock over a baby stroller, throw an elbow at a pregnant lady, or stomp on an octogenarian. I don’t care if you are Mr. Big Dick on your beer league softball team. If you have to get on your horse to get under a foul ball, which you’re going to drop anyway, you’re out of line. Stay in your seat or within a few steps, unless you have a section to yourself. And if getting the ball necessitates you dive under the seats to beat an 8-year old to the ball, let the kid have it. I’m not saying that an adult can’t keep a foul ball. Quite the opposite - I guarantee that my foul ball is going to my lady, and not the nearest kid too busy picking his nose to notice which teams are playing. Just act like a friggin human in the process.

Don’t interfere with a fair ball. The best-case scenario is you get ejected from the park (deservedly so). Worst case is you cost your team the game by contributing to some freakish chain of events. Have a contingency plan so you won’t panic if the ball comes your way. Talk it over with your friends if you need to. And if you still don’t know what to do, don’t sit in the front row.

Don’t reach over the outstretched arms of the home team player trying to make a play in the stands. And when the opponent is reaching into the stands, you do need to go for the ball, aggressively, but in a sportsmanlike way. If you can’t handle the job, again, don’t sit in the front friggin row.

Don’t fall onto the field trying to scoop a passing ball. Act like you’ve been there before. If it’s meant to be, great, get your ball. But don’t put yourself in a position to have one of your boys trying to haul you back in the stands by your jock strap. Bad form, and you deserve the grief you get on Youtube.

DJ BJ's Can't Miss Pick Up Lines 11

And if you play your cards right, later on I'm gonna fly you back to the trailer.

NOTE FROM THE EDITOR

Once again, veteran single man, DJ BJ shares some favorite pick up lines. Our apologies. These submissions do not represent the views of ADNW, nor are they guaranteed to actually work (nor keep you out of harms way).

All right then. My book deal fell through, so I’m stuck with you losers for now. Drink it up while it lasts, ladies.

101) What can I do to put you in a one night stand, today?

102) You’re quite the tasty little dish. I bet you’d stick to the “bone.”

103) You’re not just a piece of meat to me. You’re a grade ‘A’ choice piece of meat.

104) If we dated, you’re hot enough that I wouldn’t have to hide you from my friends and family.

105) If we were dating, I wouldn’t have to stare at you so much. You know, cause I’d have a lot of pictures, video and stuff.

106) The ladies know me as a stand up guy. Matter of fact, I’ve got something standing up for you right now.

107) I’d like to get on your good side. And you know what I mean by getting on it, right?

108) I noticed you’re not wearing a bra. So, I just tipped the bartender to turn down the A.C. Don’t you go putting on a sweater, okay?

109) I’m going to name you “Furniture Polish,” because I’d like you to clean and condition my wood.

110) You may not think I’m much of a catch. But, you have to admit you’re swimming in a pretty shallow pool here.

From the Dr. Love Files – 2.3

Dr. Love’s Date Idea Playbook - Episode 3 (Classic Dates)

Six classic dates that work well even with a twist or two.

Diner and a Movie – If there is one classic date night it has to be dinner and a movie. Now guys, you know the movie pretty much means “chick flick” but why not step up the dinner a bit and find a good diner, drive-in or dive to check out. Mom and Pop restaurants give you a down home feel that helps to relax you and your date. She’ll think your killer with style and nothings better than “winner, winner chicken dinner”.

Where Everybody Knows Your Name – Everyone has a friendly neighborhood tavern, their Cheers, and what a better place for that blind date, or just to hang out with friends. Live music or a jukebox and a few beers, maybe some dancing, you know you’ll have a good time. Between the darts and pool game wagers and don’t forget a few Patron shots thrown in and the evening might just lead to breakfast!

Root, Root, Root for the Home Team – Pro-ball, college or peewee you got to love scoring some points with your guy by getting involved in his favorite game. Tickets can be cheap if you look close and there’s always that beer and ballpark dog combo calling your name. Buy him some peanuts and Cracker Jack, sport your hometown ball cap or other garb and don’t forget the big foam finger…

Comedy Corner – Check out your local comedy network for the next Chris Rock or look into amateur night, but either way bring a smile and your funny bone. Get a great seat right up front and when the comedian asks questions of the audience make up a good story and play along. Don’t forget your two drink minimum by ordering the weirdest concoction you can image. Soon you’ll be uncontrollably laughing at each other.

Planetarium – Who doesn’t like staring up at the stars on a clear night in late autumn? Your local college or university observatory or Astronomy department’s refractor telescope is a great way to see the Milky Way up close. Study up on your Star Charts as a good way to seem more intelligent than you already know you are. You might even catch the man in the moon.

The Zoo – Lions and tigers and bears, oh my…We all love the fury creatures of the world and what better than a play date at the zoo. Whether you bring the kids or not, interaction with the smaller species in the petting zoo might tap some of those hidden animal instincts. Sit and relax while feeding the birds and spend a few hours debating on why getting a pet snake is not a good idea.

What are you looking at?

LOL SAM WEEK – DAY 5

Final day of LOL SAM Week. Thanks to all for the participation. We didn't quite expect such a fervor. The heavy participation is obviously a testament to the pending demise of LOL. We hope that you will continue to spread the word. Look for an upcoming follow up post with day 5 contributor finalists and supplemental content. (Again - newcomers, check previous posts for further explanation.)

3) Tina - South Carolina

LOL is to the eyes...

as a fetid heap of offal is to the nose.

2) Jeff - Las Vegas

LOL is like...

sleeping all night at Best Buy waiting for the new Brittany Spears CD to come out and then you realize that it doesn't come out til the next week.

1) Andrea - Reno

Lol is like..

getting really old when all you want is to spend your child's inheritance on plastic surgery to stay young.

Bonus material of the day in the form of top 10 list from ADNW staff:

LOL is… worse than taking it without lubrication.

LOL because… LIUFB was to long (Laugh It Up Fuzz Ball).

LOL like… being F’d at the drive thru.

Using LOL… makes me angry, “you wouldn’t like me when I’m angry”.

LOL… could have got that from a $4 book.

LOL is like… getting stuck without your summer socks.

When being at band camp isn’t enough… break out the LOL.

Using LOL is like… Ace Ventura talking with his ass cheeks.

Using LOL is like… being stuck on “It’s a Small World” with someone else’s kids.

And the number 1 reason for ditching LOL… Because it’s not as good as TMI!!!

And the day 5 ADNW contribution:

LOL is as…

desirable as a 50 year old toothless dude with a greasy, Trump comb-over, day old broccoli in his teeth, and pit stains on his one size too small, unlaundered, Batman t-shirt.

LOL SAM WEEK – DAY 4

Can't believe it's already Day 4. Participation is reaching a fevered pitch and the competition is getting heated. The end of the week is near. Get in the game by submitting comments or on the Facebook group. (By the way, see previous Anti-LOL posts for explanations if you're out of the loop.)

3) Cleveland - Indiana

LOL is as...

disgusting as getting French-kissed by your 83 year old, senile grandmother (who has soiled through her 'Depends' adult diaper) in front of everyone at your 18th birthday party!

2) Jackie - North Carolina (3 for 3 in the top 3 this week)

LOL is as...

comforting as a snuggie made of burlap embroidered with porcupine quills and lined with used extra long hypodermic needles.

1) Nathan - Florida

LOL is like...

a heaping ice cream scoop of congealed rancid bacon grease with smelly armpit hair as a topping.

Today's Bonus Content - Believe it or not, a haiku, also from Nathan in Florida. We're going to take your word that this is actually a haiku. And we're not sure if it's good, but we like the extra effort, so here you go.

Dave finds LOL
more annoying than funny
stop LOLing

ADNW's daily offering:

LOL is as…

tasty as a spoonful of sludge at the bottom of a freshly emptied, kid friendly, public pool after free, putrid taco week.

LOL SAM WEEK – DAY 3

Welcome to day 3 of LOL SAM Week! (See previous LOL posts if you need that explained.)

This series is all about participation, so enter by blog comment or on the Facebook group. The top 3 entries for today:

3) Jackie B - North Carolina

LOL is...

like a cockroach... you want to get rid of it, but it keeps popping up.

2) Cleveland - Indiana (No typo - that's his name, not the city)

LOL is as...

welcome as Serena Williams at a party full of U.S. Open Line Judges.

1) Cleveland - Indiana (No typo - he got the top 2)

LOL is as...

obnoxious as Robin Williams on a talk show. (ANY talk show)

Bonus staff entry (standard disclaimer - not eligible to win...)

The Yet

LOL is as...

current as raking out your lime green shag carpet while talking on your rotary phone that has a cord long enough to be bungee jumping equipment.

ADNW - Daily contribution

LOL is as...

comfortable as a rusty, industrial staple to the forehead, dipped in salsa and chased with a dash of salt and lemon juice.

"Hey, who put those there?"

LOL SAM WEEK – DAY 2

Welcome to Day 2 of LOL SAM Week. (For a refresher on how we feel about LOL, see the original post “LOL MUST DIE” - 9/3/09. As for SAM (Simile, Analogy, Metaphor), we thought we’d invent an awkward acronym to match.) We had some great participation today and following is today's top 3. It's not too late to get in the game - there are 3 more days. And again, you don’t have to declare which type of literary device you are using. It just needs to be a comparison, preferably amusing. Share your entry via Facebook group or comment on this post.

3) Weinstein - Las Vegas

LOL is like winning first prize at the county fair and then getting kicked in the nuts by a 7 year old girl who then steals your cotton candy.

2) Andrea C - Reno, Nevada

LOL is like wearing your grandmother's underpants and being proud when caught instead of embarassed like you know you should be.

1) Jackie B - North Carolina

LOL is as endearing as a significant other admitting their secret during a taping of the Jerry Springer show titled "I cheated with a cross-dressing prostitute."

Here's the ultra-topical Tuesday contribution from ADNW:

LOL is as smooth as...

a drunken Kanye West desperately hijacking an audience. Any audience.

Pictured on the right is the scene outside as Kanye makes an incognito stop at the pawn shop.

LOL SAM WEEK – DAY 1

With hopes of generating a little audience participation, ADNW launches LOL SAM Week. (For a refresher on how we feel about LOL, see the original post “LOL MUST DIE” - 9/3/09. As for SAM (Simile, Analogy, Metaphor), we thought we’d invent an awkward acronym to match.) Just for fun we are soliciting entries from ADNW readers and Facebook END LOL group members. Good news - you don’t have to declare which type of literary device you are using. It just needs to be a comparison, preferably amusing. Share via Facebook group or comment on this post.

Here’s our Monday contribution.

LOL is as fresh as…

A 3 day old soiled diaper on a hung-over frat boy with a Taco Bell only diet.

BASEBALL FAN ETIQUETTE 7

Sorry bro. Fair or not, if you decide to sport the gangsta gear, I guarantee you're getting bounced immediately.

SEAT JUMPING

For some, it’s tradition to buy cheap seats then attempt to sneak into a free upgrade. Our etiquette panel had mixed reactions to this ploy. Here’s the consensus.

Disruption when the assigned customer arrives – You have to strategically seat jump. Don’t try to slip into a first row seat in the first inning. Somebody is showing up for that prime spot. (Shame on them for being late (see part 3), but that just doesn’t happen.) Poor execution means you’re going to be in front of a lot of people while doing the walk of shame.

Reaction when ejected – Play dumb if it helps you extricate yourself smoothly. (“Oh, I thought this was section 94!”) But don’t give the volunteer retired dude crap when you get caught. Your embarrassment is not license to be a dick. Apologize, move your ass, and become invisible. It’s over and this is not the environment to rage against the machine.

Interference during foul ball pursuit – You’re encroaching on the space of paying customers. You don’t get to body slam a little old lady to chase a foul ball (see part 8). Stay in your zone. Your upgrade is a gift. Don’t spoil it.

Access blockage, and vibe spoilage – Choose your spot wisely. It’s tough to make everyone happy, but you should consider possible bubble violations. When the section is empty, don’t sit in my lap. Spread out. And don’t bring your drunken frat party to the family section. I guarantee that won’t last long.

Consensus for all the above is that invaders need to stay low key. It’s not okay to ruin the game experience for your fellow fans. The alternatives are to one – stay in your own seat; two – pay for the seat you want. Not that complicated after all.

Spirit Week 3

Welcome back to Spirit Week contestants; best of luck in this 3^rd edition! Please send daily totals to your regional rep, or post it to the blog via comment. Remember that Spirit Week scoring is based on the honor system. Now strap on your spirit pants and away we go.

Monday

Movie Quote Monday – 10 points for each usage of a movie quote that fits into conversation. No points awarded if the quote stands alone or has no relevance to the conversation.

Tuesday

Rickey Henderson Tuesday - 10 points for each instance of talking about yourself in the 3rd person, subject/verb disagreement, omission of possessive pronouns, omission of pronouns, and omission of S’s. Listen to Henderson's Hall of Fame acceptance speech for an example and keep in mind the guy had public speaking lessons prior to the speech. (Yes, you can earn multiple points in 1 sentence/e-mail).

Wednesday

Talk Like The Kids Text Wednesday - 10 pts for using LOL, ROTFL, AFK, OIC, OMG, etc in regular conversation. 5 bonus points if you actually pronounce these as words, rather than as acronyms.

Thursday

Song and Dance Thursday - 10 pts for each time you spontaneously break into your favorite song or dance during conversation.

Friday

Foreign Phrase Friday – 10 points for each usage of a foreign phrase within the context of a conversation.

As usual, double the points for all the above while being observed by a supervisor or client.

Thanks to Haycock for the special contribution.