FUN WITH THE FASHION ILLITERATE 6

HAIR 2 - THE MULLET

Is it my imagination, or does ‘Dog the Bounty Hunter’ have a World champion mullet (or mullet wig)? This is a guy who saw Donald Trump’s pelt and did not recoil in horror. Instead, Dog thought, “Man, I need to get me some signature hair.” Add ‘roids, shades, liberal leather, a few stereotypical tats and piercings, and Shazam - he’s a walking cliché. Well played, sir. I believe in the business world they call this sort of shameless self-promotion – “branding.” So, I suppose it works for him. Just don’t go freaking out with the fallout after his show is cancelled. Clearly, he’s the type of guy adept at steering into the skid. There are even odds in his next career he will:

A) Do a washed up reality ‘roids show with Hulk Hogan, Barry Bonds, and Jose Canseco. The shtick is they all try to win their way back into their former profession by competing in a series of ever more humiliating challenges (who has the biggest hat size, who has the lowest sperm count, who can’t fill up a jockstrap, who has the least amount of real hair). Naturally, the show would be hosted / refereed by Jerry Springer.

B) Pronounce himself Supreme Master General Dog of the Hawaiian Militia before leading a doomed march on Washington. Among his demands – spandex and whores.

C) Be on a stripper pole wearing assless chaps.

This angry Mullet Man is carrying a bag of whoop ass!

Setting aside “Dog the Uber-mullet,” the standard mullet (much like the fedora) is marginally acceptable one decade per century maximum. News flash – this isn’t the decade. Any dude that still has a mullet should be pitied to a degree. Dog’s mullet is like McDonald’s golden arches. So, at least he has an excuse. Otherwise, the present day mullet is an indication that the dude’s best years were in the 80’s. Nothing since has inspired the dude to let go of this hairdo he so lovingly nurtured in the rearview mirror of his Fiero and/or Iroc-Z, which he still keeps under a blanket in the front yard. What’s particularly funny to me about the modern mullet is you know these guys at some point need to visit a barber. I would love to hear the conversation as mullet man does his best dance around the term – mullet. I imagine something like this -

Barber: Barely suppressing a snorted laugh, “Joe Dirt! What can I do for you today?”

Joe: “Um, can you just trim it up a bit for me? (Under his breath) Go ahead and leave it long in the back.”

Barber: “Sure thing Gretzke. Business up front and party in the back, right?”

Joe: (Hanging head in defeat) “Ya, that’s right.”

Bottom line – the mullet is funny, and the fashion idiocy is self-evident. Any dude wearing one today equally deserves props and hazing.

Okay, I take it back. Here is the World champion mullet.

Special props to Rory for the Mullet dude pics.

Dog the bounty hunter pic courtesy - inyobusiness.com