Intro
As evidenced by my habit of wearing “mandals” with long shorts and plain black T, I have pretty low fashion standards. I keep my hair short, don’t accessorize, and I rarely deviate from the 4 basic fashion food groups – blue jeans, tan shorts, white and black whatever. Partly this is because I don’t care and partly because I have made my mistakes. Now, when I occasionally divert from my nondescript formula, there are still days I come home, look in the mirror and think, “My loved ones let me out of the house like this?” I would happily admit I am no fashion authority, nor enthusiast. But I do know what I think is funny. The following series will openly expose my ignorance and hypocrisy as I criticize anything I deem remotely fashion funny.
HATS 1 - VISOR GUY
An adult male wearing a visor is about as attractive as a morbidly obese, ex-offensive lineman wearing a half-shirt that exposes weeping bedsores. The only times you tend to see a visor is on guys that put a lot of money into items hair stylists refer to as “product.” Therefore, the visor is frequently accompanied by highlights and a lot of hair fondling. Envision a woman that flirtatiously runs her fingers through her hair, strategically flipping her head to let the long hair whip ever so coyly. Visor Guy is the male version of this, and he’s not above a hair flip or flick. A man wearing a visor is saying in no uncertain terms, “Oh, looky, looky, looky at my pretty, pretty hair!”
Personally, I blame John Gruden for setting masculinity back decades by pacing the sidelines in his staple visor. Men from all walks of life got the impression that it was acceptable. I can’t help likening the resulting epidemic to a bunch of idiots wearing single gloves in the 80’s. Let’s set the record straight here – it doesn’t work. And if you’re so opposed to wearing a real hat, whatever the type, I have two words for you – sunblock and shades. Sunblock and shades my friend.
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