Douchebag 101 - Lesson 1

At ADNW, we believe the World is full of aspiring douchebags. Whether due to a foul mood, illness, habit, or simply for sport, everyone engages in a little douchebaggery now and again. [Douchebaggery (n) – the deliberate or unintentional act of behaving like a douchebag.] Most of us will apologize or at least feel badly about ill behavior in retrospect. But for those of you douchebags aspiring to go pro, ADNW has some lessons to help you on your journey. Best of luck – Douchebag!

1 - Give yourself a nickname, and then frequently insist that others refer to you by that name. Bonus points for constantly documenting your nickname – on jerseys, vanity plates, scorecards, etc. Double bonus for legally changing your name to the nickname.

2 - Sport a soul patch (see Fashion Illiterate posts – facial hair).

3 - Be an expert at everything. There can be no question too tough to make up some type of bullshit answer to. The phrase, “I don’t know” can never pass your lips. And, you must truly believe it would be better to drop your pants and grab your ankles before considering the phrase, “Let me find out.”

4 - Clap when someone drops something, or falls. Not only do you get the opportunity to broadcast the person’s failure, but you also draw attention to yourself as the clever one who first recognized the failure.

5 - Don’t tip. Others are meant to serve you, so why should a waiter/waitress/service person get any more money out of you than minimum wage? Absorbing your greatness is gift enough.