CRAIGSLIST EXPOSED 5

At the offices of ADNW, we are a bit embarrassed to admit a recent fixation on Craigslist. But, it’s not what you think. Craigslist is a fascinating world, where the veil of anonymity allows people to say and ask for all kinds of crazy crap. The grammar is rarely eloquent and the verbiage is frequently cryptic. But you’re in luck, our team at ADNW has cracked the craigslist code. This series is a sampling of a few favorites, accompanied by our official ADNW translation. Names and places have been changed or deleted to protect the not so innocent.

Available to good home - gently used mega-condom

small to medium doggie clothes

WILL ONLY RESPOND TO NAME AND NUMBER TO ARRANGE PORCH PICK UP THANKS. these are to big for my 8 pound malteese so i would call them medium also some bandannas and a halloween costume

TRANSLATION

My dog killed himself after I made him wear all this stupid shit. Can’t bring myself to throw it away. Wanna try your luck?

duck sauce

Good evening to you all,
I have 5, 472 packets of E. Ping kosher duck sauce. This is the type that comes in your chinese take-out but far classier. Please come pick it up, I want to give it to a kind and loving home. they go bad September 10th, so come and get it! They are in comercial packaging for easy transport. Serious inquiries only.

TRANSLATION

I spent the last 6 months stealing every last duck sauce packet in the county. And now I kind of feel bad about it. So Mr. Lee, I’m sorry for kicking you in the nuts while fleeing your restaurant. If I give back your box of condiments, will you drop the charges?

Free - Weider weight machine

I bought this workout machine for my wife. As usual her motivation is slim to none and it isnt being used..call her and discuss this with her...ask for Karen xxx-xxx-xxxx

I would post a picture but I've done enough just buying and hauling it for her

TRANSLATION

This exercise machine was my generous fifth anniversary present to my wife. And she got all bitchy about it! She thought it was my way of calling her a fat slob. Figures – she got all bent about the new ironing board, and vacuum I bought her last couple birthdays too. Ungrateful bitch.

Free - tv

wife hates tv call her Karen xxx-xxx-xxxx

TRANSLATION

Yeah, me again. So the bitch tells me I watch too much TV! Well F--- her. She can listen to the sound of my ulcers growing while she cruises facebook every friggin night for 12 hours!

Please call her. She’s going to be so pissed. Maybe she’ll die of a heart attack and save me the time and expense of a divorce.

Watch A Live Performance

Young Black Couple invites spectators and participants

TRANSLATION

Calling all desperate and pasty, 45-year old fat guys! Depending on our mood, we might actually begin the sex show before mugging you. Given the pictures we’ll be taking, we know you’d never have the balls (pun intended) to file a police report on this scam. Thanks in advance for your discrete donations to our party fund.

CRAIGSLIST EXPOSED 4

At the offices of ADNW, we are a bit embarrassed to admit a recent fixation on Craigslist. But, it’s not what you think. Craigslist is a fascinating world, where the veil of anonymity allows people to say and ask for all kinds of crazy crap. The grammar is rarely eloquent and the verbiage is frequently cryptic. But you’re in luck, our team at ADNW has cracked the craigslist code. This series is a sampling of a few favorites, accompanied by our official ADNW translation. Names and places have been changed or deleted to protect the not so innocent.

Wanted: Shirt - size is important

IPhone 4 Mirrored Screen Protector

I have a bunch of extra screen protectors for IPhone 4. These are the mirrored ones that make your phone look like a mirror when the screen is off. This screen protector is good if you've bought a case for your phone but still are in danger of scratching the screen. Overall the protector works pretty well. It has this mirror finish to it, so it makes the screen a little harder to read in bright sunlight, but just as well indoors. You can offset that a little bit by turning up the brightness on your phone.

Anyway, I'm happy to give you one as I got a bunch of extras in the mail and I probably only need 1 extra, not a whole bunch. I'm at the Henderson's Wharf just down the street from the Red Star. Don't go too far out of your way for these, they're only $1 or $3 on ebay.

Cheers, Mike

TRANSLATION

I am so fucking lonely. I named a spider that lives in my bathroom, but he isn’t much of a conversationalist. I frequently stroll through bad neighborhoods hoping somebody will kick my ass or something, just to prove I’m alive. Wanna hang out? Anybody? Is this thing on?

unisex baby swing

In good WORKING condition.
Great for someone in need.
We just moved and in the move our sons swing lost some pieces.
The bottom front right piece (see pic 1) is missing.
Im not sure what it was used for, it does not keep it level.
Also the toys on the tray are missing.(pic2)
It still works great. It has 6 swing levels and plays music.
I would tie a swring across the top and hang toys down for him.
Its free!

TRANSLATION

The garbage truck won’t take my broken baby swing. Dicks. I thought maybe I’d have a go at this craigslist thing. People start slobbering when you use the word free, so what the hell, right? Look, I’m telling you up front that it’s crap, so don’t just show up and leave without getting it the hell out of here. You came all the way this way, may as well take it. Drop if off at the dump, maybe?

FREE 24" Box window fan and rat

Let me start by saying the rat is dead...

So, for the last two days I have been dealing with the dead rat smell. I have torn cupboards apart, bleached sinks kept no dirty dishes, and not gone to bed with trash in my little studio and still couldn't find the source of the smell. Tonight I came home and jokingly thought maybe the damn fan died, even started blaming my landlord. Lo and behold, upon closer inspection, I realized that some chunky bastard had managed to get caught in the fan. As a fat chick I am accustomed to sticky situations, tight squeezes and the occassional cramped quarters; but as to how this fat bastard managed to squeeze through and more importantly what drove him to even attempt it.

I smell a bet gone horribly wrong...get it, smell? Ok whatever.

The fan though dirty is fairly new and was purchased at the Chase street Rite Aid less than four months ago, the rat looks pretty young too. So if you feel like unscrewing the cover you've got yourself a fairly new fan and a seriously dead mouse. I'd really hate to throw out a perfectly good and new albeit stinky fan. Drop me a line if interested .

Cheers,
Sheena.

TRANSLATION

Wow. NO punch line could improve this one. Bravo “fat chick.” Bravo.

Nice hangers

Plastic hangers assorted colors but all in good shape. redoing closet and bought new ones. Probably have 30-40 and hate to just throw them out. XXX-XXX-XXXX

TRANSLATION

I hoard shit. I’m pretty sure I haven’t thrown anything away since 1988 (which strangely coincides with my last date). By “redoing my closet”, I mean I have abandoned the hope of actually trying to hang stuff up in there. Matter of fact, I’m probably just going to donate that room to the rats and roaches. SAVE ME!

Exploration, eroticism, no sex, cool stories

Again, NONE of these include sex.

This is more about eroticism and sensory than anything else.

Among other arts, I am a writer who often writes outside of the lines. Often I will experience circumstances that I write about, sometimes several times, and use these collective experiences in my work. I like to expereince some of the situations that my characters do. It is not so much the interactions of a single experience, but a weaving together of many experiences. NONE of these include sex.

One novel I am working on as well as a collection of short stories have situations based on sets of interactions designed to highten awareness of the senses through various means. I am willing to pay for a female to take on the rolls and to give me feedback after we are done with the "sets" or expereinces. Another work is a collection of stories based upon a "game" of sorts.

If you reply, comment on why would you be interested in trying something so unusal.

Again, NONE of these include sex.

TRANSLATION

Obviously I use the term “writer” liberally. I submit a lot of stuff to Penthouse Forum. Unfortunately, they stopped returning my calls, taking my letters, and there is a restraining order involved. But, none of that stuff is important. What I really want is to get with an anatomically correct woman with a heartbeat. And, I would sincerely love to stick my pecker in you, but I haven’t popped wood since the first Bush administration. Viagra is an option, but it sort of conflicts with some other, ummm let’s call it “medication”, that I’m on. But what I’m really about is torture, anyway. I have this “game” I like to play, called “How long can you hold your breath underwater in my bathtub?” So, hit me up if you're into something very memorable!

CRAIGSLIST EXPOSED 3

At the offices of ADNW, we are a bit embarrassed to admit a recent fixation on Craigslist. But, it’s not what you think. Craigslist is a fascinating world, where the veil of anonymity allows people to say and ask for all kinds of crazy crap. The grammar is rarely eloquent and the verbiage is frequently cryptic. But you’re in luck, our team at ADNW has cracked the craigslist code. This series is a sampling of a few favorites, accompanied by our official ADNW translation. Names and places have been changed or deleted to protect the not so innocent.

Come see the many upgrades in our reasonably priced luxury suites!

Nintendo 64 with 12 games and football cards

Nintendo 64 with 12 games
Hey you : Pikachu, Super Smash Bros., Mario Kart 64, Pokemon Stadium, Army Men, Sarge's Heroes, Mario Party 3, Kirby 64: the crystal shards, Wrestlemania 2000, Tony Hawks Pro Skater, WF Attitude, Mortal Kombat 4, and WCW vs NWO
2 controllers (grey and purple), memory card, gameshark pro, ereader, and tremorpak plus. The system and games work.

I also have a box full of football cards.

I will consider trade, or your best cash offer. Am interested in getting an itouch but other offers considered.

TRANSLATION

Remember the movie, “40 Year Old Virgin?” Yeah, I’m living it. Unfortunately, I still live with my mom, who is really getting on my nerves, because she won’t buy me any new crap. So in an effort to become more independent, I’ve branched out into various profitable enterprises –

1) Trading stuff on craigslist.

2) Trying to capture that damn leprechaun at the end of the rainbow.

3) Metal detecting. (Hey, bite me! I’m no amateur. I got a certification and shit.)

Female vocalist wants to start Hendrix tribute band

Hey,
I'm a female vocalist that wants to start a Hendrix tribute/cover band. I'm open to other artists too, but mostly Hendrix. I have a practice space at my house, and equipment(PA/mixer/etc).
I'm looking to play clubs, and festivals no more than three times a month. So, if your interested drop me a line.
xoxoxo-Jessi

TRANSLATION

Hendrix wasn’t exactly known for his vocals, and you sure as hell won’t be impressed with mine. I do know the lyrics to about 4 Hendrix songs and have an impressively husky voice, thanks to a few thousand Marlboro Reds and a love affair with Jim Beam. One minor catch, I don’t know shit about playing guitar (this is where I hope you come in), but I do have a bitchin’ karaoke machine.

xoxoxox = I’ll give you a blowjob if you play your cards right.

FREE bag of hair and body products

FRE Ebag of hair products like leav ein conditoner - blow dry stuff- Olay samples, things like that
free proch pick up email me for details
or day to do dorrstep pick up

TRANSLATION

Yeah, that’s right. In the subject line, I said a “free bag of hair.” You probably think that was an accident given my ridiculously poor grammar. Nope. I actually have a bag of human hair, partially collected from myself (you figure out from which parts), and partially from the last dumbass that came stumbling up to my porch trying to collect a bag of free gargabe. We had such a good time together, that I’m thinking of a repeat performance. So if you wanna hang out for a couple months in my dungeon, drop by!

bs/gs

hi we are an interracial couple looking for a white female to give us a gs/bs that is all you would have to do is to come golden shower and poop on us.

serious inquires only

serious in the subject line

TRANSLATION

I don’t know what bs/gs means, and I refuse to google it. But, God bless America. These degenerates used the word “serious” twice in a post that said, “poop on us.”

CRAIGSLIST EXPOSED 2

At the offices of ADNW, we are a bit embarrassed to admit a recent fixation on Craigslist. But, it’s not what you think. Craigslist is a fascinating world, where the veil of anonymity allows people to say and ask for all kinds of crazy crap. The grammar is rarely eloquent and the verbiage is frequently cryptic. But you’re in luck, our team at ADNW has cracked the craigslist code. This series is a sampling of a few favorites, accompanied by our official ADNW translation. Names and places have been changed or deleted to protect the not so innocent.

Nude female models $400

I'm in need of a few models for video and stills of public nudity and masturbation.
Will be in XXXX and surrounding area.
Pay will be up to 200-400 depending on the nature of the shoot agreed on and will last
about 2 hours. Please respond with pics, information about yourself and your schedule. Look forward to talking

TRANSLATION

Ummmm- okay, not so much translation as much as commentary. Really? It’s a damn good thing craigslist wasn’t around when I was 16.

CAR RENTAL - $150

HELLO,
I AM CURRENTLY LOOKING FOR A CAR TO RENT FROM SOMEONE FOR THE WEEKEND OF AUGUST 20-22
I WANT TO TRAVEL TO NEW JERSEY FOR THE WEEKEND.
I AM 19 YEARS OLD AND VERY RESPONSIBLE
I CANT RENT FROM A RENTAL CAR PLACE BECAUSE YOU HAVE TO BE 21 OR OLDER TO RENT
I AM WILLING TO GIVE YOU 150 FOR THE WEEKEND.
TRUST- I AM WILLING TO SIGN A CONTRACT AND LET YOU SEE MY ID SO YOU CAN HAVE ALL THE INFORMATION YOU NEED IF SOMETHING HAPPENS TO THE CAR OR DAMAGES BUT I HIGHLY DOUBT THAT ANYTHING WILL HAPPEN SINCE I HAD MY LICENSE FOR TWO YEARS AND NEVER GOT IN A SINGLE ACCIDENT.
EMAIL ME AT xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

TRANSLATION

Can you believe that these SOB car rental bitches won’t rent me a car? My experience includes driving hundreds of miles and for 10’s of days. AND, I have personally survived over 12 car accidents (some of which were NOT my fault!), which takes serious skills. Of course, at this point none of my friends or family will even let me ride in the back seat of their car, much less borrow one for the weekend, necessitating this ridiculous and desperate request. Here’s the deal – I give you $150 to hand over your $10,000 ride and you clinch your butt cheeks for 72 hours until you give up and report the car stolen.

So, hit me back at Igonnafuckupyoride@dumbass.com

HOLY SHIT IT'S A TAPE MEASURE!

Holy hairy monkey testicles, what wouldn't you give to get your mangy paws on one of these?!

- Fucker is 12 feet long, and wider than my cock! It'll stretch into fucking forever or some shit!
- It's made of some kind of fucking shiny plastic. It'll blind your goddamn enemies!
- It's called the Fractionier, like it's some kind of fucking superhero!
- It's made in Taiwan. every time you use it, you're sticking it to those commie sons of bitches on the mainland! Fuck Yeah!

Make me an offer for it, if you fucking DARE!

TRANSLATION

Found this gem in the barter section. What am I going to add? This dude is funny.

my handyman skill for massage from female

hello iam a handyman can do alot of differeant trades home improvment skills electrical plumbing hvac what iam loking for in trade is a massage from a female no games no drama if this interest you please email me

TRANSLATION

Yes ladies, I’m that stereotypical plumber guy with my ass crack hanging out the back of my pants. Yes, I’m familiar with all things sewage, and yes, I have the smell to match (you decide if it’s hygiene or occupational hazard). But here’s the thing – I have certain fetishes, and I don’t have the cash (because frankly, I kind of suck at what I do) to drop on a pro. Don’t really care what you look like, because I’m kind of desperate and am willing to wear a bag over my head for your sake and mine. Holla!