Douchebag 101 - Lesson 7

At ADNW, we believe the World is full of aspiring douchebags. Whether due to a foul mood, illness, habit, or simply for sport, everyone engages in a little douchebaggery now and again. [Douchebaggery (n) – the deliberate or unintentional act of behaving like a douchebag.] Most of us will apologize or at least feel badly about ill behavior in retrospect. But for those of you douchebags aspiring to go pro, ADNW has some lessons to help you on your journey. Best of luck – Douchebag!

IN THE CAR 2

31 – Blind the meek – Don’t be content to flash the occasional accidental high beams or even retaliatory flash. Just keep those suckers on. Add some fog lights too if possible. It’s pretty funny when other drivers can’t see where they’re going.

32 – Text & Drive – Nothing says I could give a crap about my fellow man like swerving into oncoming traffic.

33 - Drive Drunk – go old school homicidal. Don’t just settle for inattentive text driving. If those schmucks can’t dodge you, they don’t belong on the road anyway, right?

(Unfortunately necessary disclaimer – in case you missed the boat, everything written here is sarcasm. ADNW does NOT endorse driving impaired in any way. Our point is quite the opposite – this is major Assbag behavior.)

34 - Don’t use turn signals, ever. It’s best to keep your fellow motorist / pedestrian guessing.

35 – Ride the shoulder – You can do it for leisure, just to kick up rocks into the windshields of cars behind you, or you can step it up a notch and use the shoulder as a passing lane. After all, wherever you’re going and whatever you’re doing is way more important than anyone else.

Douchebag 101 - Lesson 6

IN THE CAR

26 - Tailgate – I once had an inexperienced friend who described the proper distance for following as, “It’s okay if you can see their tires.” Which to be fair would be true if you’re driving The Concord (the now defunct supersonic passenger jet with infamously difficult pilot visibility – just google a picture if you’re still not with me). But tailgating is a quintessential weapon in the douchebag arsenal. Not only do you cause immense discomfort to the victim, but you easily put anyone else in the vicinity in mortal peril.

27 - Cut them off – Make aggressive swerves into other lanes, preferably with little warning and in close proximity to other cars. If the other driver doesn’t have to brake for you, then you’re just not trying hard enough. Masters of the cut-off actually tend to make the other driver swerve, brake and fear for their lives.

Just park it right up on the sidewalk, Douchebag

28 – Crash the Crosswalk – Forget slowing down or stopping, when you see pedestrians attempting to cross the street, it’s time to accelerate. You don’t simply want them to confuse your intention as thoughtless, or inattentive. It’s important to leave them with a dose of terror as they dive for safety.

29 - Turn the radio up – You might not be close enough on the highway to make an impact, but when you’re on residential streets, school zones, and drive thrus, it’s time to pump it up. Don’t go for ABBA either. You need to inflict something crude on the community.

30 – Honk persistently – Don’t just share a reserved toot when the guy in front of you misses the light change to green. You need to get on the horn and wear that bastard out. Furthermore, only amateurs pause for cause. Just start honking the moment you think there’s a chance something is amiss. Hell, just honk to be irritating if nothing else provokes you.

This one is just funny

BATHROOM ETIQUETTE 3.1

ARCHITECTUAL FLAWS

Tight quarters – I recognize that real estate will always be at a premium, but in no case should I have to rub knees with the dipshit squatting next to me. Stranger or lifelong friend, hand holding proximity is unacceptable. Hopefully your moment on the throne will be relatively solitary. But if some dude is forced to neighbor up, there needs to be a suitable buffer zone.

Knobs are for knobs – If I can’t turn something on and off with a wave of my hand, I should be able to do it with a knuckle. [See Bathroom Etiquette Tip 2 (5/7/09)] There are plenty of douchebags out there that don’t wash. You should never have to touch anything with a bare hand that the last idiot just smeared his feces on.

EXIT STRATEGY– If a door opens outward, it helps eliminate the need to put a hand on a knob or handle in the first place. I’m willing to dodge a door swinging outward if it guarantees less foreign poo contact.

Trash can placement – If you’re a janitor that gets frustrated with the pile of paper towels on the floor near the exit to the bathroom, I would take this as a clue. It probably indicates the previous two items are an issue. You might consider a trashcan adjustment, because those of us unwilling to touch a diseased door handle will need somewhere to drop the barrier towel.

Hand crank towel dispensers – It’s a bit ironic that clean conscious people wash their hands then have to touch the wet, Petri dish of a handle on the community towel dispenser. If towels don’t self-dispense, it’s pretty much a waste of effort washing your hands.

Douchebag 101 - Lesson 5

AT THE STORE

21 - Use a check in the checkout line - bonus points if you write slowly and wait until everyone is staring. There’s no point in getting an early start when you can milk the attention.

22 - Have too many items in the express check out.

23 - Leave your cart unattended in the checkout line to fetch another item or 8. Bonus if you’re next up in a long line.

24 - Have an extensive conversation that lasts at least into the next customer’s turn. The important factor is to distract the checker and slow the progress of the customers behind you.

25 - Argue the price of something, anything. Bonus points if it saves you 20 cents or less.

Wisdom from the Cubicle Jungle - 9

Businesses have assorted justifications for work cubicles – brainstorm area, space savings, inexpensive production, social accountability, etc. Physically, the cube is a slightly modified version of an elementary school desk. And this description comfortably fits the hierarchical intent and ensuing behavior. The cube dwellers are the incorrigible third graders, and the neighboring office dwellers are the real adults. Born from the careful observations of a novice cube dweller, this series is an attempt to identify the complex rules of the cubicle jungle. Don’t be alarmed if some rules seem contradictory.

41) While job-hunting, you should maximize your efficiency by sharing the workload with a cube-mate. As a team, you can visit twice the websites and enjoy the social rewards of collaboration. It’s not like your next job is going to find itself!

42) It is permissible to spice up your day by playing a little game called – “Social Networking Jinx.” When stumbling on the same facebook post, the cube dweller that is last to type or say “LOL” has to buy a coke for the other. (On a side-note, please see the ADNW post “LOL must die” for our official position on that acronym.)

43) When a cube neighbor talks all day about a big party / social outing that evening, it is polite to play dumb when he/she calls in sick the next day with the beer flu.

44) It is expected you will arrive late to work most days. If anyone even notices, a standard dismissive excuse will suffice – traffic, dog vomited, shoulder shrug, etc.

45) However, when you arrive obnoxiously late (general guideline is 45 plus minutes), an interesting anecdote will be required. Your job status will not be impacted one way or the other, but your social standing in the jungle can suffer if you fail to deliver the appropriate entertainment value.

Orpheus 7 - HAMMERFEST 2010

Concert Series!

HAMMERFEST 2010

Band: Lovehammers

Website: http://www.lovehammers.com

Date: February 13, 2010

Location: House of Blues, Chicago, IL

Shows are always more enjoyable when the band is in their element, having fun and giving back to their hometown crowd. This was the case last Saturday night in Chicago where Hammerfest 2010 rocked a sold out House of Blues!

Marty Casey and the Kourelis brothers brought their A game with a strong mix of songs from their last 10 years and a belting “it’s only teenage wasteland” during a cover of the classic Who song, “Baba O’Riley”. Highlights included an 8 year old girl on stage for “Eyes Can’t See” stealing the audience hearts with her rock persona. Marty took to climbing the second tier balcony and walking the entire edge during “Oh My Babe.” Then while playing the hit “Trees” (made famous on the reality show Rock Star INXS) the band helped another Chicagoan with his Valentines Day date that came all the way from London to be named fan furthest to travel to this years show.

These guys have been friends since they were in Little League together and the benefit is to the fans (The Hammerheads). This balanced and heartfelt sound and the bands kinship shows through in their live shows. Checkout Lovehammers newest release, Heavy Crown, its character is jam-packed with heavy riffs and clever lyrics and the deep rich resonance picks right back up where the previous album left off. You’ll be reeled in for sure.

Check out these tracks and albums:

1. Trees
2. Clinic
3. The Riddle
4. Eyes Can’t See
5. Oh My baby
6. That’s Life
7. Your Time, My Time
8. Find Your Way

Wisdom from the Cubicle Jungle - 8

Businesses have assorted justifications for work cubicles – brainstorm area, space savings, inexpensive production, social accountability, etc. Physically, the cube is a slightly modified version of an elementary school desk. And this description comfortably fits the hierarchical intent and ensuing behavior. The cube dwellers are the incorrigible third graders, and the neighboring office dwellers are the real adults. Born from the careful observations of a novice cube dweller, this series is an attempt to identify the complex rules of the cubicle jungle. Don’t be alarmed if some rules seem contradictory.

36) Bring the drama. Your anecdotal life should mimic a soap opera. Everything has to be the worst or best, and there is no room for bland. Consider it your duty, because cube dwellers bore easily.

37) If your cubicle neighbor is in the midst of her 3^rd or 4^th phone call that requires the phrase, “I don’t know, what are you doing?” This is a cry for help. It is your job to help relieve her obvious boredom by dropping by to have an extended social break.

38) If your cube neighbor has a relationship in transition, it’s urgent to make sure she knows how much you care by interrogating her about the daily details of the evolving romance.

39) When someone is fired, it is expected that you will gossip in hushed tones. Certainly not so hushed as to be inaudible to the rest of the jungle, because that would also be rude. It’s more like a small child attempting a whisper – you can still be heard plainly at a distance, but you are able to express the appropriate respectful sentiment.

40) If overwhelmed with work, the best practice is to do nothing. Why let the weight of responsibility weigh you down when facebook is calling?

Douchebag 101 - Lesson 4

At ADNW, we believe the World is full of aspiring douchebags. Whether due to a foul mood, illness, habit, or simply for sport, everyone engages in a little douchebaggery now and again. [Douchebaggery (n) – the deliberate or unintentional act of behaving like a douchebag.] Most of us will apologize or at least feel badly about ill behavior in retrospect. But for those of you douchebags aspiring to go pro, ADNW has some lessons to help you on your journey. Best of luck – Douchebag!

Ya, I just came here to look at your wings.

16 - Adopt the accent and verbiage of other cultures. They find it flattering when you mock and marginalize.

17 - Use the expression “you people” liberally. There are few phrases that can more efficiently alienate a group of people.

18 - Steer clear of originality. No idea, joke, or concept could possibly be as good as one recycled.

19 - Do NOT open a door for anyone - ever.

20 – Curse liberally around children. You not only have the opportunity to cause temporary discomfort to your companions, but you also have the potential to indoctrinate the next generation of douchebags.

Douchebag 101 - Lesson 3

At ADNW, we believe the World is full of aspiring douchebags. Whether due to a foul mood, illness, habit, or simply for sport, everyone engages in a little douchebaggery now and again. [Douchebaggery (n) – the deliberate or unintentional act of behaving like a douchebag.] Most of us will apologize or at least feel badly about ill behavior in retrospect. But for those of you douchebags aspiring to go pro, ADNW has some lessons to help you on your journey. Best of luck – Douchebag!

11 - Just toss your trash anywhere – people will pick up after you, or God will make it go away (in 10,000 years or so).

12 - Do not say “thank you!” This is a sign of weakness in douchebag culture and one of the lowest forms of emasculation.

13 - Smoke in an entryway. Not only do you provide an unavoidable wall of smoke for those entering and exiting, but given the appropriate conditions, you can also create an odious cloud of stench inside the building.

14 - Wear sunglasses indoors and/or at night (see Fashion Illiterate post).

15 - Yell at someone publicly. Do NOT waste your righteous fury in private.

Good fences make good neighbors? Perhaps a moat and a wall?

FUN WITH THE FASHION ILLITERATE 9

CELL PHONES

Cell phones have been a fashion game changer. One of the silliest trends has been the phone holster. Although these have evolved to something slightly less ridiculous, the humor won’t die. When I see some dude sporting a holster, it never fails to conjure imagery of this douchebag thinking he’s an Old West gunslinger. Or perhaps Boy Wonder is working on a starter Batman utility belt. Obviously there is some utility there, but most people manage to make a pocket work just fine. I tend to think the holster is primarily intended to show off the goods. And by “goods,” I mean draw the eye away from his small penis.

The Bluetooth earpiece is the next generation holster. Its best feature is the way it has leveled the playing field for schizophrenics everywhere. Please tell me - when did people stop feeling silly about walking through a store talking out loud to an invisible person? Nothing says, “Look at me with apprehension” like hearing half a conversation. Of course, because we’re all attention whores, the douchebag really just wants you to give him a look (even if only out of concern). “Looky, Looky at my pretty, pretty expensive toy!” If you want to impress me with your disposable income, how about you just staple $500 to your forehead. I’ll respect your candor and not feel compelled to smack it off your head.

Pictures courtesy – mobilewhack.com; evankessler.wordpress.com