Douchebag 101 - Lesson 8

At ADNW, we believe the World is full of aspiring douchebags. Whether due to a foul mood, illness, habit, or simply for sport, everyone engages in a little douchebaggery now and again. [Douchebaggery (n) – the deliberate or unintentional act of behaving like a douchebag.] Most of us will apologize or at least feel badly about ill behavior in retrospect. But for those of you douchebags aspiring to go pro, ADNW has some lessons to help you on your journey. Best of luck – Douchebag!

36 – Cut in line – Standing in line was about all you learned in kindergarten, but you’re not going to play by their rules anymore! The genius of cutting is that you can do it at the movie theatre, at the game, in a car, or just about anywhere. You might get called on it every now and again, but it is quintessential douchebag behavior. You’ll never fail to piss people off with this little maneuver.

37 – Embrace a polarized political stance - It really doesn’t matter if it’s conservative or liberal. You simply have to be immobile in your beliefs. Don’t even spare a moment to acknowledge competing viewpoints. Regardless the argument, you’re right. When pressed, you should generally attempt to overcome sensible counter-arguments by shouting over, ignoring, or distracting your opponent.

38 – Make shit up – This can be applied to nearly anything, but one particularly annoying usage is when answering a question. If you don’t know the answer, it is not acceptable to simply acknowledge you don’t know. You need to make shit up. This preserves your omnipotent presence, and plants the seed for an innocent rube to be embarrassed later when he/she regurgitates your line of shit. (Beware of knowledgeable people. If you can’t sniff them out in advance, you can easily play the “just kidding” card.)

39 – Stay anonymous – When possible, don’t put yourself out there as the source of someone else’s bad day. Be a douchebag anonymously. Make insensitive comments anonymously. Use ultra-dark tinting on your car windows for commuting anonymity, and generally try to stir shit up in anonymity. You may not get to see the repercussions of all your douchebaggery, but you can rest comfortably knowing somebody that thinks you suck, probably won’t be able to find you.

40 – Bandwagon it – Don’t just settle for cheering for a local team. Don’t settle for cheering for the team you cheered for last year. Don’t let yourself be swayed by any type of emotional baggage. Jump on that bandwagon, baby! The only thing your team and you need to have in common is winning. Damn the loyalty, full speed ahead!

Douchebag 101 - Lesson 7

At ADNW, we believe the World is full of aspiring douchebags. Whether due to a foul mood, illness, habit, or simply for sport, everyone engages in a little douchebaggery now and again. [Douchebaggery (n) – the deliberate or unintentional act of behaving like a douchebag.] Most of us will apologize or at least feel badly about ill behavior in retrospect. But for those of you douchebags aspiring to go pro, ADNW has some lessons to help you on your journey. Best of luck – Douchebag!

IN THE CAR 2

31 – Blind the meek – Don’t be content to flash the occasional accidental high beams or even retaliatory flash. Just keep those suckers on. Add some fog lights too if possible. It’s pretty funny when other drivers can’t see where they’re going.

32 – Text & Drive – Nothing says I could give a crap about my fellow man like swerving into oncoming traffic.

33 - Drive Drunk – go old school homicidal. Don’t just settle for inattentive text driving. If those schmucks can’t dodge you, they don’t belong on the road anyway, right?

(Unfortunately necessary disclaimer – in case you missed the boat, everything written here is sarcasm. ADNW does NOT endorse driving impaired in any way. Our point is quite the opposite – this is major Assbag behavior.)

34 - Don’t use turn signals, ever. It’s best to keep your fellow motorist / pedestrian guessing.

35 – Ride the shoulder – You can do it for leisure, just to kick up rocks into the windshields of cars behind you, or you can step it up a notch and use the shoulder as a passing lane. After all, wherever you’re going and whatever you’re doing is way more important than anyone else.

Douchebag 101 - Lesson 6

IN THE CAR

26 - Tailgate – I once had an inexperienced friend who described the proper distance for following as, “It’s okay if you can see their tires.” Which to be fair would be true if you’re driving The Concord (the now defunct supersonic passenger jet with infamously difficult pilot visibility – just google a picture if you’re still not with me). But tailgating is a quintessential weapon in the douchebag arsenal. Not only do you cause immense discomfort to the victim, but you easily put anyone else in the vicinity in mortal peril.

27 - Cut them off – Make aggressive swerves into other lanes, preferably with little warning and in close proximity to other cars. If the other driver doesn’t have to brake for you, then you’re just not trying hard enough. Masters of the cut-off actually tend to make the other driver swerve, brake and fear for their lives.

Just park it right up on the sidewalk, Douchebag

28 – Crash the Crosswalk – Forget slowing down or stopping, when you see pedestrians attempting to cross the street, it’s time to accelerate. You don’t simply want them to confuse your intention as thoughtless, or inattentive. It’s important to leave them with a dose of terror as they dive for safety.

29 - Turn the radio up – You might not be close enough on the highway to make an impact, but when you’re on residential streets, school zones, and drive thrus, it’s time to pump it up. Don’t go for ABBA either. You need to inflict something crude on the community.

30 – Honk persistently – Don’t just share a reserved toot when the guy in front of you misses the light change to green. You need to get on the horn and wear that bastard out. Furthermore, only amateurs pause for cause. Just start honking the moment you think there’s a chance something is amiss. Hell, just honk to be irritating if nothing else provokes you.

This one is just funny

Douchebag 101 - Lesson 5

AT THE STORE

21 - Use a check in the checkout line - bonus points if you write slowly and wait until everyone is staring. There’s no point in getting an early start when you can milk the attention.

22 - Have too many items in the express check out.

23 - Leave your cart unattended in the checkout line to fetch another item or 8. Bonus if you’re next up in a long line.

24 - Have an extensive conversation that lasts at least into the next customer’s turn. The important factor is to distract the checker and slow the progress of the customers behind you.

25 - Argue the price of something, anything. Bonus points if it saves you 20 cents or less.

Douchebag 101 - Lesson 4

At ADNW, we believe the World is full of aspiring douchebags. Whether due to a foul mood, illness, habit, or simply for sport, everyone engages in a little douchebaggery now and again. [Douchebaggery (n) – the deliberate or unintentional act of behaving like a douchebag.] Most of us will apologize or at least feel badly about ill behavior in retrospect. But for those of you douchebags aspiring to go pro, ADNW has some lessons to help you on your journey. Best of luck – Douchebag!

Ya, I just came here to look at your wings.

16 - Adopt the accent and verbiage of other cultures. They find it flattering when you mock and marginalize.

17 - Use the expression “you people” liberally. There are few phrases that can more efficiently alienate a group of people.

18 - Steer clear of originality. No idea, joke, or concept could possibly be as good as one recycled.

19 - Do NOT open a door for anyone - ever.

20 – Curse liberally around children. You not only have the opportunity to cause temporary discomfort to your companions, but you also have the potential to indoctrinate the next generation of douchebags.

Douchebag 101 - Lesson 3

At ADNW, we believe the World is full of aspiring douchebags. Whether due to a foul mood, illness, habit, or simply for sport, everyone engages in a little douchebaggery now and again. [Douchebaggery (n) – the deliberate or unintentional act of behaving like a douchebag.] Most of us will apologize or at least feel badly about ill behavior in retrospect. But for those of you douchebags aspiring to go pro, ADNW has some lessons to help you on your journey. Best of luck – Douchebag!

11 - Just toss your trash anywhere – people will pick up after you, or God will make it go away (in 10,000 years or so).

12 - Do not say “thank you!” This is a sign of weakness in douchebag culture and one of the lowest forms of emasculation.

13 - Smoke in an entryway. Not only do you provide an unavoidable wall of smoke for those entering and exiting, but given the appropriate conditions, you can also create an odious cloud of stench inside the building.

14 - Wear sunglasses indoors and/or at night (see Fashion Illiterate post).

15 - Yell at someone publicly. Do NOT waste your righteous fury in private.

Good fences make good neighbors? Perhaps a moat and a wall?

Douchebag 101 - Lesson 2

At ADNW, we believe the World is full of aspiring douchebags. Whether due to a foul mood, illness, habit, or simply for sport, everyone engages in a little douchebaggery now and again. [Douchebaggery (n) – the deliberate or unintentional act of behaving like a douchebag.] Most of us will apologize or at least feel badly about ill behavior in retrospect. But for those of you douchebags aspiring to go pro, ADNW has some lessons to help you on your journey. Best of luck – Douchebag!

6 - Park your car in multiple spots. To hell with parking your Dodge “Compensate4sumthin” at the back of the parking lot, you need to leave your car close enough for everyone to see how pretty it is…while parked in 4 spots they could have really used.

7 - Text and walk/drive. This activity cleverly combines general environmental inattention with an inappropriate focal point. At best, this is a recipe for inconveniencing those irrelevant sheep around you. At worst, it’s a genuine danger.

8 - Stand in an entry/exit/doorway. It doesn’t matter the place, just be certain to idle in the center of a choke point, where a large volume of traffic passes, or in your case, are attempting to pass. Bonus points if it’s a safety hazard, such as at the top of an escalator.

9 - Own an Audi. (For context, see Car Stereotypes.)

10 - Liberally use phrases like – “I’m only going to explain this one time,” or “Listen,” or “Look,” or other assorted filler. It’s best to put the audience in their place before making your statement.

Douchebag 101 - Lesson 1

At ADNW, we believe the World is full of aspiring douchebags. Whether due to a foul mood, illness, habit, or simply for sport, everyone engages in a little douchebaggery now and again. [Douchebaggery (n) – the deliberate or unintentional act of behaving like a douchebag.] Most of us will apologize or at least feel badly about ill behavior in retrospect. But for those of you douchebags aspiring to go pro, ADNW has some lessons to help you on your journey. Best of luck – Douchebag!

1 - Give yourself a nickname, and then frequently insist that others refer to you by that name. Bonus points for constantly documenting your nickname – on jerseys, vanity plates, scorecards, etc. Double bonus for legally changing your name to the nickname.

2 - Sport a soul patch (see Fashion Illiterate posts – facial hair).

3 - Be an expert at everything. There can be no question too tough to make up some type of bullshit answer to. The phrase, “I don’t know” can never pass your lips. And, you must truly believe it would be better to drop your pants and grab your ankles before considering the phrase, “Let me find out.”

4 - Clap when someone drops something, or falls. Not only do you get the opportunity to broadcast the person’s failure, but you also draw attention to yourself as the clever one who first recognized the failure.

5 - Don’t tip. Others are meant to serve you, so why should a waiter/waitress/service person get any more money out of you than minimum wage? Absorbing your greatness is gift enough.