CRAIGSLIST EXPOSED 1

At the offices of ADNW, we are a bit embarrassed to admit a recent fixation on Craigslist. But, it’s not what you think. Craigslist is a fascinating world, where the veil of anonymity allows people to say and ask for all kinds of crazy crap. The grammar is rarely eloquent and the verbiage is frequently cryptic. But you’re in luck, our team at ADNW has cracked the craigslist code. This series is a sampling of a few favorites, accompanied by our official ADNW translation. Names and places have been changed or deleted to protect the not so innocent.

You're hired!

Are you looking for a model?

I'm looking to fill some cancellation spots in my schedule this weekend and next week.
I do everything up to full nudity, both artistic and erotic. I'm letting you decide my compensation but I can't do trades right now.
I'm professional and experienced but that doesn't mean you need to be, I'll work with anyone who's serious. I do private collections, portfolios, projects. I'm easy to work with and LOVE being creative.
Lets make it happen!
(Pictures sent after replies are received <3)

TRANSLATION

No way to candy coat this - I’m a 46 year old whore. But, I have been around the block a few times and know all the tricks (pardon the pun). If you’ve got a fantasy, I’ll make it happen and you can videotape the whole thing!

P.S. I’ll send you a picture of myself 20 years ago upon request (obscene emoticon).

Seeking a Woman to Pose for a Shoot

I am looking for someone to pose for a shoot. Age, race etc. are not important. I prefer someone who is not a professional but someone who can use some photos to build their portfolio. All you have to do is be over 18, send me two or more photos showing your best side. Also tell me whether or not whether you can pose for semi nude and nude shots.You must be able to host. Date and time you are available. The ball is in your court. All you have to do is to convince me to select you. Compensation is negotiable.

TRANSLATION

Seriously, I just want to see a live woman naked. I prefer you are relatively naïve and never, ever learn where I live, because (and this is important), I’m going to ask you to do some freaky shit. I got like 50 bucks (my weekly allowance for the titty bar) for the first person to actually respond to this add.

I want to start a band

I want to start a band. The theme of the band will be vampires so if you have an interest in music and vampires let me know! All I have is my mac laptop and the garageband application so if you have any other talents to offer i can be contacted by the email provided! I am a vampire fanatic and would love to start a band full of vampires and vampire lovers. Bring any ideas to the table. I already have some beats set up and can be found on youtube. My youtube name is XXXXXX so if your curious look me up!

TRANSLATION

I don’t really have any particular musical talent, nor have I actually dated outside my imaginary friend (who I cleverly named Bella). I’m thinking that starting a band could really kick start my social life, and I would really, really like the chance to wear makeup and play vampire dress up. Please?!

27 inch tv

for sale or trade
27 inch tv
2 glass tables
cd/dvd for car and screen
3 garmin nuvis models 200 250 255

TRANSLATION

That’s right - I stole your crap. If you want it, hit me back on craigslist and we can meet at a neutral site. No cops or the glass table gets it!

Douchebag 101 - Lesson 8

At ADNW, we believe the World is full of aspiring douchebags. Whether due to a foul mood, illness, habit, or simply for sport, everyone engages in a little douchebaggery now and again. [Douchebaggery (n) – the deliberate or unintentional act of behaving like a douchebag.] Most of us will apologize or at least feel badly about ill behavior in retrospect. But for those of you douchebags aspiring to go pro, ADNW has some lessons to help you on your journey. Best of luck – Douchebag!

36 – Cut in line – Standing in line was about all you learned in kindergarten, but you’re not going to play by their rules anymore! The genius of cutting is that you can do it at the movie theatre, at the game, in a car, or just about anywhere. You might get called on it every now and again, but it is quintessential douchebag behavior. You’ll never fail to piss people off with this little maneuver.

37 – Embrace a polarized political stance - It really doesn’t matter if it’s conservative or liberal. You simply have to be immobile in your beliefs. Don’t even spare a moment to acknowledge competing viewpoints. Regardless the argument, you’re right. When pressed, you should generally attempt to overcome sensible counter-arguments by shouting over, ignoring, or distracting your opponent.

38 – Make shit up – This can be applied to nearly anything, but one particularly annoying usage is when answering a question. If you don’t know the answer, it is not acceptable to simply acknowledge you don’t know. You need to make shit up. This preserves your omnipotent presence, and plants the seed for an innocent rube to be embarrassed later when he/she regurgitates your line of shit. (Beware of knowledgeable people. If you can’t sniff them out in advance, you can easily play the “just kidding” card.)

39 – Stay anonymous – When possible, don’t put yourself out there as the source of someone else’s bad day. Be a douchebag anonymously. Make insensitive comments anonymously. Use ultra-dark tinting on your car windows for commuting anonymity, and generally try to stir shit up in anonymity. You may not get to see the repercussions of all your douchebaggery, but you can rest comfortably knowing somebody that thinks you suck, probably won’t be able to find you.

40 – Bandwagon it – Don’t just settle for cheering for a local team. Don’t settle for cheering for the team you cheered for last year. Don’t let yourself be swayed by any type of emotional baggage. Jump on that bandwagon, baby! The only thing your team and you need to have in common is winning. Damn the loyalty, full speed ahead!

Wisdom from the Cubicle Jungle - 10

Businesses have assorted justifications for work cubicles – brainstorm area, space savings, inexpensive production, social accountability, etc. Physically, the cube is a slightly modified version of an elementary school desk. And this description comfortably fits the hierarchical intent and ensuing behavior. The cube dwellers are the incorrigible third graders, and the neighboring office dwellers are the real adults. Born from the careful observations of a novice cube dweller, this series is an attempt to identify the complex rules of the cubicle jungle. Don’t be alarmed if some rules seem contradictory.

46) Want to feign productivity while job hunting and social networking because you’re a-hole boss expects results? The old paper shuffle is a suitable strategy. Moving crap from one side of your desk to the other is an empty, but polite and conciliatory move that acknowledges the expectation for minimal output.

47) If you have the social skills to be a gregarious cube dweller, use them. Otherwise, you’ll have to learn subtle and strategic craftiness to get others to do your work. You should consider relationship building as maintaining a strong support staff. And by support staff, obviously that means co-workers (superiors, equals, inferiors – it doesn’t really matter) who are willing to do all the work you so carefully avoid.

48) A reliable gauge that conversation has meandered from productive to entertainment mode is when you hear repetitive usage of the phrase, “then I /he/she said.”

49) Regardless the entertainment value, it’s generally going to be a bad idea to openly mock your fellow cube dwellers. You know, because there are no walls. The best way to talk behind someone’s back is via social networking. Otherwise, keep a cork on your ‘balls on impressions’ until you get in a different setting.

50) In a cube jungle, the literal definition of the phrase – “I’ll be here all day” is – “I’ll be glued to my desk all day, except for the first couple hours of the morning, during my generous lunch hour, and before my early exit. But, why not call/stop by anyway? I’ve got to check my Facebook account at some point.”

Orpheus 8 - Rogue Wave

Concert Series!

Band: Rogue Wave

Website: http://www.roguewavemusic.com/

Date: April 18, 2010

Location: Bluebird, Bloomington, IN

A great place to see bands off the campus of Indiana University, the Bluebird Nightclub, played host to one great show last Sunday night. Oakland, California’s, Rogue Wave brought their unique indie rock sound back to drummer, Pat Sturgeon’s college hang out. As an IU alumnus, Pat took the mic to promote original live music and played with rhythmic heart to the admiration of future graduates and diehard fans.

Sturgeon recently finished a documentary, D-Tour, which chronicled his search for a kidney donor after battling kidney failure in recent years.

Playing a great mix of classic tracks and new songs from the just released, Permalight, Pat and lead singer/guitarist, Zach Rogue, and company jammed out 17 songs over an hour and half. Check out their music which was recently featured live in the movie, Love Happens, as well as in Napoleon Dynamite, television shows, Heroes and Weeds, and commercials for ESPN. You’ll know you’ve heard these songs before…

Check out these tracks and albums:

1. Permalight
2. Good Morning (The Future)
3. Lake Michigan
4. Bird On A Wire
5. Publish My Love
6. Love’s Lost Guarantee
7. Every Moment

Spirit Week 4.5

It's closing time Spirit Week enthusiasts. Sadly, we're to the final day of this edition. ADNW hopes it has been at least as much fun for you as us. Go forth and have spirit.

FRIDAY

DAY 5 - "Little Known Fact Friday" – If you know a little known fact, that’s swell, but unnecessary. 5-points each time you tag a “little known fact” on any conversational topic. In other words, be Cliff Claven today. (5-point bonus if you get someone to believe a load of crap.)

Spirit Week 4.4

Here comes day 4 contestants! Stay on your game and remember to send daily totals to your regional rep, or post via blog comment. And once again, scoring is based on the honor system.

THURSDAY

DAY 4 - "Super-Enthusiast Thursday" – Earn 5 points for triggering discomfort via manic enthusiasm. If asked, “How are you?” The correct answer is a wild-eyed, “Super-fantastic!” How was your lunch? - “The best I’ve EVER tasted!” (5-point bonus if someone openly questions your sanity.)

Spirit Week 4.3

Welcome to day 3 contestants! Again, best of luck and please send daily totals to your regional rep, or post it to the blog via comment. Remember, as always, scoring is based on the honor system.

WEDNESDAY

Day 3 - Nostradamus (or Psychic non sequitur) Wednesday – Earn 5 points for randomly spouting a cryptic phrase that could be interpreted as a psychic declaration. Wide eyes, ominous tone, and dramatic gesticulation must accompany your phrase. (5-point bonus if someone openly questions your sanity.)

Examples: Attend to durable emotions! When the moon spikes, stand aloof! Fly in the face of competition! Don’t drink the ice! Spilt milk is twice removed! Don’t lend pennies to a spiked loon! Stiffen your lip amid lethargy! Revisit old deliveries! Fortune is in the interim!

Spirit Week 4.2

Welcome back to Spirit Week contestants! Best of luck on day 2 this 4th edition. Please send daily totals to your regional rep, or post it to the blog via comment. Remember, as always, scoring is based on the honor system. Now strap on your spirit shoes and off we go.

TUESDAY

Welcome to "Talk for me Tuesday" 5-points each time you speak for someone, or have someone speak for you. Your mission is to awkwardly steal conversation via interruption or collaboration. Recommended phrases include – “I’ll take that one,” “Well ____ thinks / says / believes,” “Allow me,” “I know what ____ is going to say,” or “____ will handle that.” Sorry introverts and shut-ins, this will require some social interaction. (5-point bonus if you’re asked to stop.)

Spirit Week 4.1

Welcome back to Spirit Week contestants! Best of luck in this 4th edition. Please send daily totals to your regional rep, or post it to the blog via comment. Remember, as always, scoring is based on the honor system. Now strap on your spirit shoes and off we go.

MONDAY

Welcome to - "Like Yoda, you speak Monday" – Yoda phrasing earns 5 points each occurrence - spot on impressions encouraged, but not mandatory. If you need further explanation, you don’t get to play, you communist, Martian troll. Just report immediately to your neighborhood Star Wars fan for a flogging. (5-point bonus if someone asks you to stop.)

I Hate New Hampshire - Revisited

After a long break from hating New Hampshire, I feel compelled to add one more segment. Months and dozens of entertaining comments later (some even insightful), one comment in particular (thanks S. CA Coastal) brought up a critical question. What happens if you HAVE to move to NH? Obviously we all have things that are out of our control, and if this is your cross to bear, my condolences. But, now what?

Here are my recommendations – if you are obligated to move to NH:

1) Live as close to the coast as you can. It’s not cheap, but higher population density gives better odds you’ll find humanity. And of course by “humanity,” I mean people that will talk to you.

2) Rent. Don’t buy. Aside from avoiding an enormous yearly tax bill, you will also have fewer obstacles to making a quick escape.

3) Take your annual vacation during black fly season. Go anywhere but NH.

4) Plan to take on a hobby. Unchecked, the social isolation will drive you nuts. A productive hobby might distract you. (I qualify with “productive,” because I fear some claim heavy drinking as a hobby.)

5) Get a quality GPS device. You won’t know where you’re going and nobody will give a crap. Best to maximize your self-reliance with high quality resources. This also will assure you’re able to efficiently reach the airport from any location.

6) Prepare for the worst. The infrastructure is what it is, and it sucks. Budget for all the best winter equipment (snow removal equipment, camping supplies), with the assumption that you will battle icy roads, power and water outages.

7) For driving safety, I suggest you purchase a bumper car. Obviously a tank or very sturdy 4-wheel drive could also suffice.

8) Have a sense of humor. If laughter is the best medicine, you’ll need an assload.

And get used to this scenery