FRIDAY
DAY 5 - "Little Known Fact Friday" – If you know a little known fact, that’s swell, but unnecessary. 5-points each time you tag a “little known fact” on any conversational topic. In other words, be Cliff Claven today. (5-point bonus if you get someone to believe a load of crap.)
THURSDAY
DAY 4 - "Super-Enthusiast Thursday" – Earn 5 points for triggering discomfort via manic enthusiasm. If asked, “How are you?” The correct answer is a wild-eyed, “Super-fantastic!” How was your lunch? - “The best I’ve EVER tasted!” (5-point bonus if someone openly questions your sanity.)
WEDNESDAYDay 3 - Nostradamus (or Psychic non sequitur) Wednesday – Earn 5 points for randomly spouting a cryptic phrase that could be interpreted as a psychic declaration. Wide eyes, ominous tone, and dramatic gesticulation must accompany your phrase. (5-point bonus if someone openly questions your sanity.)
Examples: Attend to durable emotions! When the moon spikes, stand aloof! Fly in the face of competition! Don’t drink the ice! Spilt milk is twice removed! Don’t lend pennies to a spiked loon! Stiffen your lip amid lethargy! Revisit old deliveries! Fortune is in the interim!
TUESDAY
Welcome to "Talk for me Tuesday" 5-points each time you speak for someone, or have someone speak for you. Your mission is to awkwardly steal conversation via interruption or collaboration. Recommended phrases include – “I’ll take that one,” “Well ____ thinks / says / believes,” “Allow me,” “I know what ____ is going to say,” or “____ will handle that.” Sorry introverts and shut-ins, this will require some social interaction. (5-point bonus if you’re asked to stop.)
After a long break from hating New Hampshire, I feel compelled to add one more segment. Months and dozens of entertaining comments later (some even insightful), one comment in particular (thanks S. CA Coastal) brought up a critical question. What happens if you HAVE to move to NH? Obviously we all have things that are out of our control, and if this is your cross to bear, my condolences. But, now what?
Here are my recommendations – if you are obligated to move to NH:
1) Live as close to the coast as you can. It’s not cheap, but higher population density gives better odds you’ll find humanity. And of course by “humanity,” I mean people that will talk to you.
2) Rent. Don’t buy. Aside from avoiding an enormous yearly tax bill, you will also have fewer obstacles to making a quick escape.
3) Take your annual vacation during black fly season. Go anywhere but NH.
4) Plan to take on a hobby. Unchecked, the social isolation will drive you nuts. A productive hobby might distract you. (I qualify with “productive,” because I fear some claim heavy drinking as a hobby.)
5) Get a quality GPS device. You won’t know where you’re going and nobody will give a crap. Best to maximize your self-reliance with high quality resources. This also will assure you’re able to efficiently reach the airport from any location.
6) Prepare for the worst. The infrastructure is what it is, and it sucks. Budget for all the best winter equipment (snow removal equipment, camping supplies), with the assumption that you will battle icy roads, power and water outages.
7) For driving safety, I suggest you purchase a bumper car. Obviously a tank or very sturdy 4-wheel drive could also suffice.
8) Have a sense of humor. If laughter is the best medicine, you’ll need an assload.
31 – Blind the meek – Don’t be content to flash the occasional accidental high beams or even retaliatory flash. Just keep those suckers on. Add some fog lights too if possible. It’s pretty funny when other drivers can’t see where they’re going.
32 – Text & Drive – Nothing says I could give a crap about my fellow man like swerving into oncoming traffic.
33 - Drive Drunk – go old school homicidal. Don’t just settle for inattentive text driving. If those schmucks can’t dodge you, they don’t belong on the road anyway, right?
(Unfortunately necessary disclaimer – in case you missed the boat, everything written here is sarcasm. ADNW does NOT endorse driving impaired in any way. Our point is quite the opposite – this is major Assbag behavior.)
34 - Don’t use turn signals, ever. It’s best to keep your fellow motorist / pedestrian guessing.
35 – Ride the shoulder – You can do it for leisure, just to kick up rocks into the windshields of cars behind you, or you can step it up a notch and use the shoulder as a passing lane. After all, wherever you’re going and whatever you’re doing is way more important than anyone else.
26 - Tailgate – I once had an inexperienced friend who described the proper distance for following as, “It’s okay if you can see their tires.” Which to be fair would be true if you’re driving The Concord (the now defunct supersonic passenger jet with infamously difficult pilot visibility – just google a picture if you’re still not with me). But tailgating is a quintessential weapon in the douchebag arsenal. Not only do you cause immense discomfort to the victim, but you easily put anyone else in the vicinity in mortal peril.
27 - Cut them off – Make aggressive swerves into other lanes, preferably with little warning and in close proximity to other cars. If the other driver doesn’t have to brake for you, then you’re just not trying hard enough. Masters of the cut-off actually tend to make the other driver swerve, brake and fear for their lives.
28 – Crash the Crosswalk – Forget slowing down or stopping, when you see pedestrians attempting to cross the street, it’s time to accelerate. You don’t simply want them to confuse your intention as thoughtless, or inattentive. It’s important to leave them with a dose of terror as they dive for safety.
29 - Turn the radio up – You might not be close enough on the highway to make an impact, but when you’re on residential streets, school zones, and drive thrus, it’s time to pump it up. Don’t go for ABBA either. You need to inflict something crude on the community.
30 – Honk persistently – Don’t just share a reserved toot when the guy in front of you misses the light change to green. You need to get on the horn and wear that bastard out. Furthermore, only amateurs pause for cause. Just start honking the moment you think there’s a chance something is amiss. Hell, just honk to be irritating if nothing else provokes you.
ARCHITECTUAL FLAWS
Tight quarters – I recognize that real estate will always be at a premium, but in no case should I have to rub knees with the dipshit squatting next to me. Stranger or lifelong friend, hand holding proximity is unacceptable. Hopefully your moment on the throne will be relatively solitary. But if some dude is forced to neighbor up, there needs to be a suitable buffer zone.
Knobs are for knobs – If I can’t turn something on and off with a wave of my hand, I should be able to do it with a knuckle. [See Bathroom Etiquette Tip 2 (5/7/09)] There are plenty of douchebags out there that don’t wash. You should never have to touch anything with a bare hand that the last idiot just smeared his feces on.
EXIT STRATEGY– If a door opens outward, it helps eliminate the need to put a hand on a knob or handle in the first place. I’m willing to dodge a door swinging outward if it guarantees less foreign poo contact.
Trash can placement – If you’re a janitor that gets frustrated with the pile of paper towels on the floor near the exit to the bathroom, I would take this as a clue. It probably indicates the previous two items are an issue. You might consider a trashcan adjustment, because those of us unwilling to touch a diseased door handle will need somewhere to drop the barrier towel.
Hand crank towel dispensers – It’s a bit ironic that clean conscious people wash their hands then have to touch the wet, Petri dish of a handle on the community towel dispenser. If towels don’t self-dispense, it’s pretty much a waste of effort washing your hands.
21 - Use a check in the checkout line - bonus points if you write slowly and wait until everyone is staring. There’s no point in getting an early start when you can milk the attention.
22 - Have too many items in the express check out.
23 - Leave your cart unattended in the checkout line to fetch another item or 8. Bonus if you’re next up in a long line.
24 - Have an extensive conversation that lasts at least into the next customer’s turn. The important factor is to distract the checker and slow the progress of the customers behind you.
25 - Argue the price of something, anything. Bonus points if it saves you 20 cents or less.
