MEGA-SUV (NON-HUMMER)You thought this was a sweet, ultra-safe alternative to the minivan. And, it was a good move until you started worrying a bit more about financing unfriendly countries in tough economic times. Furthermore, your kids have gotten to the age where they are busting your chops about global warming and how their cool friend’s parents now drive a mini-cooper. Consequently, to avoid embarrassment they duck out of sight when other vehicles near, and ask you to drop them a block short of their school (further defeating some m
easure of your safety first consciousness). You’ve actually had to drive it in genuinely treacherous winter conditions exactly twice, although you’ve engaged the 4-wheel drive about 300 times to give yourself the sense that you didn’t waste the substantial sum of extra money for that feature. When you pull into the gas station, the owner makes a celebratory call to his wife to tell her they can eat out tonight after all, while the other patrons simultaneously cringe in fear as you attempt to maneuver the beast around their cars toward the yet to explode gas pump. You’re prone to ducking when you occasionally make the mistake of pulling into a parking garage. Your now aging parents refuse to let you drive them anywhere, because they simply cannot get past the pride vaporizing experience of getting boosted up by the ass into this super tall vehicle. Consequently you own at least one booster step, that at least your dogs are getting some use out of, and there are at least a couple of seats that no one has ever actually ridden in that have been purely relegated to the role of carrying sporting goods and lost groceries that eventually start to smell, provoking you into a semi-annual cleaning, that is no less cumbersome than cleaning your whole house, because you can’t actually fit it into any car wash, and the hand wash places insist on charging you a premium.
MINI-SUV You don’t have the funds and/or are too practical to get the big boy SUV, but you’re also terrified of driving. You drove your rear wheel drive hoopty through the snow once, and
that was a horrifying enough experience to send you racing to the nearest dealership. Otherwise, you got confused at the intersection of fuel economy and safety. You somehow thought that the smaller vehicle would buy you some moral high ground in the realm of social responsibility. Unfortunately, your ride only gets you slightly better gas mileage than the dude in the suburban, and that’s only if you don’t have a load of groceries in the back. You have become painfully aware that the craftsmanship of this vehicle is not quite up to the standard of many of the full or midsize SUV’s, and what you initially made up for in purchase price, you’ve more than lost in repair costs and stunted life span of the vehicle.
CAMARO / TRANS-AM / FIREBIRD You’re nostalgic for the 80’s, not just because they were your best years, but also because you thought nothing ha
s been cool since. You are still a little bummed that Burt Reynolds and Lonnie Anderson didn’t work out. You own at least one pair of black ‘pleather’ driving gloves that you have worn into the local Best Buy when you had some novelty gadget installed in your ride. You consider it rude for people to park within a block of your car after you carefully straddled as many parking spots as you can, and the guys at the car wash know you on a first name basis (although behind your back they call you Smokey and the Bandit). Y
ou’ve just recently found a website that sells betamax videotapes, and you’re trying to collect as many as you can, before they completely disappear. You openly proclaim Michael Jackson a deranged freak, but there’s a special place in your glove box where you keep the King of Pop’s complete collection of 8 track tapes and a single glove. You go by the name Dr. Johnny Fever in chat rooms, but have to use your nephew’s computer to do so. You have occasionally considered trading in your mullet, pre-faded jeans, and leather jacket for modern gear. But, you couldn’t bear the thought of leaving the perks of your fast food management lifestyle.
In this personal favorite, note how Knight Rider carefully parked his car between two poles.
ess of attempting to change your moniker from Charlie or Chuck into something like Chaz, because she thinks it sounds dramatically more cosmopolitan. Consequently, anyone who has known you before this name adaptation thinks you’re an idiot. They only use the name Chaz with a grossly sarcastic, if not openly hostile tone. Anyone that has met you since the name change just rolls their eyes and thinks you spent a ridiculous amount of money on the new business cards. But, they are even more amused by how you insist on handing them out to every drive-thru cashier and “sandwich artist.” Regardless the name you go by, it’s not unheard of for people to couple the phrase arrogant prick with it. You are also heavily devoted to the art of giving nicknames, although you suck at it. Generally, you mix them up and sadly can’t even remember the real name of the person. Consequently, you eventually resort to
calling everyone nicknames by stereotype. For example, you call athletic looking guys – Champ, hot girls – Daisy Duke, and guys with glasses – Urkel. You eagerly tell people that your favorite type of music is the blues and you have an extensive blues collection prominently displayed in your home, that gets slightly more use than your Viagra prescription. One of your greatest aspirations is to someday be on stage and have another performer tell you to “take it.” Secondarily, you’d also like to learn to play an instrument.
Ed drives a normal car but wishes to salute all of you freaks that made the series possible. This concludes Car Stereotypes. Ed and I thank you for being a good sport.
