Douchebag 101 - Lesson 8

At ADNW, we believe the World is full of aspiring douchebags. Whether due to a foul mood, illness, habit, or simply for sport, everyone engages in a little douchebaggery now and again. [Douchebaggery (n) – the deliberate or unintentional act of behaving like a douchebag.] Most of us will apologize or at least feel badly about ill behavior in retrospect. But for those of you douchebags aspiring to go pro, ADNW has some lessons to help you on your journey. Best of luck – Douchebag!

36 – Cut in line – Standing in line was about all you learned in kindergarten, but you’re not going to play by their rules anymore! The genius of cutting is that you can do it at the movie theatre, at the game, in a car, or just about anywhere. You might get called on it every now and again, but it is quintessential douchebag behavior. You’ll never fail to piss people off with this little maneuver.

37 – Embrace a polarized political stance - It really doesn’t matter if it’s conservative or liberal. You simply have to be immobile in your beliefs. Don’t even spare a moment to acknowledge competing viewpoints. Regardless the argument, you’re right. When pressed, you should generally attempt to overcome sensible counter-arguments by shouting over, ignoring, or distracting your opponent.

38 – Make shit up – This can be applied to nearly anything, but one particularly annoying usage is when answering a question. If you don’t know the answer, it is not acceptable to simply acknowledge you don’t know. You need to make shit up. This preserves your omnipotent presence, and plants the seed for an innocent rube to be embarrassed later when he/she regurgitates your line of shit. (Beware of knowledgeable people. If you can’t sniff them out in advance, you can easily play the “just kidding” card.)

39 – Stay anonymous – When possible, don’t put yourself out there as the source of someone else’s bad day. Be a douchebag anonymously. Make insensitive comments anonymously. Use ultra-dark tinting on your car windows for commuting anonymity, and generally try to stir shit up in anonymity. You may not get to see the repercussions of all your douchebaggery, but you can rest comfortably knowing somebody that thinks you suck, probably won’t be able to find you.

40 – Bandwagon it – Don’t just settle for cheering for a local team. Don’t settle for cheering for the team you cheered for last year. Don’t let yourself be swayed by any type of emotional baggage. Jump on that bandwagon, baby! The only thing your team and you need to have in common is winning. Damn the loyalty, full speed ahead!

Wisdom from the Cubicle Jungle - 10

Businesses have assorted justifications for work cubicles – brainstorm area, space savings, inexpensive production, social accountability, etc. Physically, the cube is a slightly modified version of an elementary school desk. And this description comfortably fits the hierarchical intent and ensuing behavior. The cube dwellers are the incorrigible third graders, and the neighboring office dwellers are the real adults. Born from the careful observations of a novice cube dweller, this series is an attempt to identify the complex rules of the cubicle jungle. Don’t be alarmed if some rules seem contradictory.

46) Want to feign productivity while job hunting and social networking because you’re a-hole boss expects results? The old paper shuffle is a suitable strategy. Moving crap from one side of your desk to the other is an empty, but polite and conciliatory move that acknowledges the expectation for minimal output.

47) If you have the social skills to be a gregarious cube dweller, use them. Otherwise, you’ll have to learn subtle and strategic craftiness to get others to do your work. You should consider relationship building as maintaining a strong support staff. And by support staff, obviously that means co-workers (superiors, equals, inferiors – it doesn’t really matter) who are willing to do all the work you so carefully avoid.

48) A reliable gauge that conversation has meandered from productive to entertainment mode is when you hear repetitive usage of the phrase, “then I /he/she said.”

49) Regardless the entertainment value, it’s generally going to be a bad idea to openly mock your fellow cube dwellers. You know, because there are no walls. The best way to talk behind someone’s back is via social networking. Otherwise, keep a cork on your ‘balls on impressions’ until you get in a different setting.

50) In a cube jungle, the literal definition of the phrase – “I’ll be here all day” is – “I’ll be glued to my desk all day, except for the first couple hours of the morning, during my generous lunch hour, and before my early exit. But, why not call/stop by anyway? I’ve got to check my Facebook account at some point.”