A Dave New World

Orpheus 9 - Band Of Horses

2010-10-30T21:45:00.009-04:00

Concert Series!

Band: Band Of Horses

Website: http://www.bandofhorses.com

Date: October 17, 2010

Location: Murat Egyptian Room Indianapolis, IN

I enjoyed, this past Sunday night, seeing “Band Of Horses” live, touring for their newest album, ‘Infinite Arms’ to an energetic crowd. This year’s release produced a favorite song, ‘Older’, which hit home for me this year! A well-played version was a highlight, along with Laredo for this cheering fan. The playlist was a good mix of songs from all three albums and touched on what seemed to be mostly fan favorites.

2007’s ‘Is There a Ghost’ and ‘No One’s Gonna Love You’ from the Ceases To Begin album where strong sing along songs, and lead singer Ben Bridwell’s lyrics showed why this album was 47^th in Rolling Stone’s top albums of the year.

‘The Funeral’, maybe the bands best known song, finished the main set. You might remember this song from the debut Everything All The Time. Used in many TV shows, movies and for the 2008 Ford Edge commercial, this was clearly their most popular song. There is something to be said about a song with a death theme being used to sell cars and a concert where the audience waves its hands in the air excited to hear it, but then I guess that’s proof of a good time and a great song.

Check out these tracks and albums:

The Funeral
Older
Laredo
Is There a Ghost
No One’s Gonna Love You
Cigarettes, Wedding Bands
The Great Salt Lake
On My Way Back Home

CRAIGSLIST EXPOSED 6

2010-09-08T21:43:00.002-04:00

At the offices of ADNW, we are a bit embarrassed to admit a recent fixation on Craigslist. But, it’s not what you think. Craigslist is a fascinating world, where the veil of anonymity allows people to say and ask for all kinds of crazy crap. The grammar is rarely eloquent and the verbiage is frequently cryptic. But you’re in luck, our team at ADNW has cracked the craigslist code. This series is a sampling of a few favorites, accompanied by our official ADNW translation. Names and places have been changed or deleted to protect the not so innocent.

Random crap in my neighbors yard. Take anything. Please!

BIKINI CAR WASH AUG 21,2010

Hello Ladies,

Were looking for very shapely, attractive ladies. You must be shape to wear a bikini or a midriff top and leggins. This event is a bkini car wash so you will be getting wet and washing cars. The company is a well known company in the Urban Communities, so this will be an excellent exposure event.

You must do your own hair and make-up.

Please send 3 pics, dosen't have to be professional pic, a headshot (close up of face), a full bodyshot or sideshot and last A BACKSHOT.

PLEASE ALL PICS MUST BE VERY CLEAR

18 AND OLDER

YOU MUST BE AVAILBLE THE ENTIRE TIME AND TIME WILL BE ANNOUNCED

TRANSLATION

Yeah, there’s no bikini car wash. What I do have is a website, and I would love to repost your pictures. The nastier the better! So, like I said – lots and lots of exposure. Hope your Dad doesn’t surf a lot of porn. Thanks in advance for the freebies!

Free stuff salvation army didn't take

I have some christmas stuff and one larger speaker and two bags of hanger and a set of bed rails if any one's interested they are on my lawn at xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

salvation army didn't want to take them

TRANSLATION

Yep – I just got garbage. I’d much appreciate it if you would be kind enough to overlook the fact that the stuff is crap and just take it off my hands. The neighbors are kind of getting pissed off. Thanks in advance for getting overly excited about the word “free.”

Free TV

I have an old tv that is in decent working order. It's about a 26" tv (I think), color, good working order, Zenith. It's bulky but who cares if it is free and works. If I wasn't moving to another state I would probably keep it until it dies on me.

JUST THE TV. Not the cable boxes, dvd player or shark. You need to pick this up by next week and you need to bring someone to help you if you can't carry it yourself.

*UPDATE* Since I've already gotten some choice emails (what more could I expect from people on Craig's List), let me put some more updates here. The items are FREE. Meaning you either want it or don't. FREE meaning that they probably aren't worth trying to sell. FREE meaning that they are not perfect. But if I say they are decent then they are decent. If you don't have a car or any mode of transportation, or anyone who can drive you, I don't know why you would bother to respond to me on picking up these items. And I deal with enough crazy so I don't want to deal with Craig's List crazies. So only somewhat normal people need reply.

TRANSLATION

Everything shown in the picture is included, and yes, I’m happy to deliver it.

Photographer

I'm looking for a photographer who is looking to build their portfolio. I want to get a few shots done for my birthday, don't need prints, just digital copies. In exchange you get to build your portfolio.
Looking for around labor day timeframe.

TRANSLATION

I don’t own a camera, and I heard from a friend that there are idiots on craigslist that might actually do this kind of shit for free. Any takers?

Re: Photographer (Free-ville)

Would somebody please answer my question? Why on Earth do people pick on photographers, videographers, artists, etc., for free services? WE need to make money too, just like you!!!! Do you earn a paycheck? Does your boss earn a paycheck? Sure you both do!
What makes you think, that shooting your photos, will allow me to get more "paying" work? Suppose the last person I shot photos for said the same thing? Or perhaps the next one says it as well? Because I can tell you, that they will or already do!

Everyone who wants free services, hide behind the idea that by shooting for them for free, we all will improve our portfolios! Great!
But, I don't need my portfolio improved any! A portfolio cannot pay any bills! Only money can do that! Would you ask the manager at a gas station to give you free gas? Do you walk into a grocery store asking for free food? I don't think so! Why? I can tell you why.
You know as well as the next guy, that you would not get away with it! Why do you think, that people who devote long hours honing their skills, spend money on expensive gear would just spend time, expense and travel on giving you free services??? You have got to have quite a brass set to ask that!!!

I BEG ALL ARTISTS OUT THERE...PLEASE DO NOT ACCEPT WORK LIKE THIS!!! DO NOT DO ANYTHING FOR FREE!!!! YOUR TIME IS WORTH
SOMETHING!!!!! BY GIVING IN TO THIS CRAP, YOU ARE LOWERING THE VALUE OF THE SERVICE FOR ALL ARTISTS EVERYWHERE!!!
DON'T THINK FOR ONE MINUTE THAT BY DOING SOMETHING "TO EXPAND YOUR PORTFOLIO" WILL REALLY HELP YOU ANY!! THE NEXT PERSON
WILL SAY THE SAME THING TO YOU!!!!

The Artists Avenger

Say no to low/no pay!! Support indie film in xxxxxxx!

TRANSLATION

Here’s the thing - I bought a buttload of really expensive equipment. Consequently, I don’t have a real job to pay my bills. Now, I have nothing but time to sift through craigslist adds and repost bitchy replies.

P.S. - I’d appreciate it if you refer to me as an “artist.” My mom won’t stop giving me shit.

CRAIGSLIST EXPOSED 5

2010-08-25T00:37:00.002-04:00

Available to good home - gently used mega-condom

small to medium doggie clothes

WILL ONLY RESPOND TO NAME AND NUMBER TO ARRANGE PORCH PICK UP THANKS. these are to big for my 8 pound malteese so i would call them medium also some bandannas and a halloween costume

TRANSLATION

My dog killed himself after I made him wear all this stupid shit. Can’t bring myself to throw it away. Wanna try your luck?

duck sauce

Good evening to you all,
I have 5, 472 packets of E. Ping kosher duck sauce. This is the type that comes in your chinese take-out but far classier. Please come pick it up, I want to give it to a kind and loving home. they go bad September 10th, so come and get it! They are in comercial packaging for easy transport. Serious inquiries only.

TRANSLATION

I spent the last 6 months stealing every last duck sauce packet in the county. And now I kind of feel bad about it. So Mr. Lee, I’m sorry for kicking you in the nuts while fleeing your restaurant. If I give back your box of condiments, will you drop the charges?

Free - Weider weight machine

I bought this workout machine for my wife. As usual her motivation is slim to none and it isnt being used..call her and discuss this with her...ask for Karen xxx-xxx-xxxx

I would post a picture but I've done enough just buying and hauling it for her

TRANSLATION

This exercise machine was my generous fifth anniversary present to my wife. And she got all bitchy about it! She thought it was my way of calling her a fat slob. Figures – she got all bent about the new ironing board, and vacuum I bought her last couple birthdays too. Ungrateful bitch.

Free - tv

wife hates tv call her Karen xxx-xxx-xxxx

TRANSLATION

Yeah, me again. So the bitch tells me I watch too much TV! Well F--- her. She can listen to the sound of my ulcers growing while she cruises facebook every friggin night for 12 hours!

Please call her. She’s going to be so pissed. Maybe she’ll die of a heart attack and save me the time and expense of a divorce.

Watch A Live Performance

Young Black Couple invites spectators and participants

TRANSLATION

Calling all desperate and pasty, 45-year old fat guys! Depending on our mood, we might actually begin the sex show before mugging you. Given the pictures we’ll be taking, we know you’d never have the balls (pun intended) to file a police report on this scam. Thanks in advance for your discrete donations to our party fund.

CRAIGSLIST EXPOSED 4

2010-08-18T14:52:00.003-04:00

Wanted: Shirt - size is important

IPhone 4 Mirrored Screen Protector

I have a bunch of extra screen protectors for IPhone 4. These are the mirrored ones that make your phone look like a mirror when the screen is off. This screen protector is good if you've bought a case for your phone but still are in danger of scratching the screen. Overall the protector works pretty well. It has this mirror finish to it, so it makes the screen a little harder to read in bright sunlight, but just as well indoors. You can offset that a little bit by turning up the brightness on your phone.

Anyway, I'm happy to give you one as I got a bunch of extras in the mail and I probably only need 1 extra, not a whole bunch. I'm at the Henderson's Wharf just down the street from the Red Star. Don't go too far out of your way for these, they're only $1 or $3 on ebay.

Cheers, Mike

TRANSLATION

I am so fucking lonely. I named a spider that lives in my bathroom, but he isn’t much of a conversationalist. I frequently stroll through bad neighborhoods hoping somebody will kick my ass or something, just to prove I’m alive. Wanna hang out? Anybody? Is this thing on?

unisex baby swing

In good WORKING condition.
Great for someone in need.
We just moved and in the move our sons swing lost some pieces.
The bottom front right piece (see pic 1) is missing.
Im not sure what it was used for, it does not keep it level.
Also the toys on the tray are missing.(pic2)
It still works great. It has 6 swing levels and plays music.
I would tie a swring across the top and hang toys down for him.
Its free!

TRANSLATION

The garbage truck won’t take my broken baby swing. Dicks. I thought maybe I’d have a go at this craigslist thing. People start slobbering when you use the word free, so what the hell, right? Look, I’m telling you up front that it’s crap, so don’t just show up and leave without getting it the hell out of here. You came all the way this way, may as well take it. Drop if off at the dump, maybe?

FREE 24" Box window fan and rat

Let me start by saying the rat is dead...

So, for the last two days I have been dealing with the dead rat smell. I have torn cupboards apart, bleached sinks kept no dirty dishes, and not gone to bed with trash in my little studio and still couldn't find the source of the smell. Tonight I came home and jokingly thought maybe the damn fan died, even started blaming my landlord. Lo and behold, upon closer inspection, I realized that some chunky bastard had managed to get caught in the fan. As a fat chick I am accustomed to sticky situations, tight squeezes and the occassional cramped quarters; but as to how this fat bastard managed to squeeze through and more importantly what drove him to even attempt it.

I smell a bet gone horribly wrong...get it, smell? Ok whatever.

The fan though dirty is fairly new and was purchased at the Chase street Rite Aid less than four months ago, the rat looks pretty young too. So if you feel like unscrewing the cover you've got yourself a fairly new fan and a seriously dead mouse. I'd really hate to throw out a perfectly good and new albeit stinky fan. Drop me a line if interested .

Cheers,
Sheena.

TRANSLATION

Wow. NO punch line could improve this one. Bravo “fat chick.” Bravo.

Nice hangers

Plastic hangers assorted colors but all in good shape. redoing closet and bought new ones. Probably have 30-40 and hate to just throw them out. XXX-XXX-XXXX

TRANSLATION

I hoard shit. I’m pretty sure I haven’t thrown anything away since 1988 (which strangely coincides with my last date). By “redoing my closet”, I mean I have abandoned the hope of actually trying to hang stuff up in there. Matter of fact, I’m probably just going to donate that room to the rats and roaches. SAVE ME!

Exploration, eroticism, no sex, cool stories

Again, NONE of these include sex.

This is more about eroticism and sensory than anything else.

Among other arts, I am a writer who often writes outside of the lines. Often I will experience circumstances that I write about, sometimes several times, and use these collective experiences in my work. I like to expereince some of the situations that my characters do. It is not so much the interactions of a single experience, but a weaving together of many experiences. NONE of these include sex.

One novel I am working on as well as a collection of short stories have situations based on sets of interactions designed to highten awareness of the senses through various means. I am willing to pay for a female to take on the rolls and to give me feedback after we are done with the "sets" or expereinces. Another work is a collection of stories based upon a "game" of sorts.

If you reply, comment on why would you be interested in trying something so unusal.

Again, NONE of these include sex.

TRANSLATION

Obviously I use the term “writer” liberally. I submit a lot of stuff to Penthouse Forum. Unfortunately, they stopped returning my calls, taking my letters, and there is a restraining order involved. But, none of that stuff is important. What I really want is to get with an anatomically correct woman with a heartbeat. And, I would sincerely love to stick my pecker in you, but I haven’t popped wood since the first Bush administration. Viagra is an option, but it sort of conflicts with some other, ummm let’s call it “medication”, that I’m on. But what I’m really about is torture, anyway. I have this “game” I like to play, called “How long can you hold your breath underwater in my bathtub?” So, hit me up if you're into something very memorable!

CRAIGSLIST EXPOSED 3

2010-08-11T15:28:00.004-04:00

Come see the many upgrades in our reasonably priced luxury suites!

Nintendo 64 with 12 games and football cards

Nintendo 64 with 12 games
Hey you : Pikachu, Super Smash Bros., Mario Kart 64, Pokemon Stadium, Army Men, Sarge's Heroes, Mario Party 3, Kirby 64: the crystal shards, Wrestlemania 2000, Tony Hawks Pro Skater, WF Attitude, Mortal Kombat 4, and WCW vs NWO
2 controllers (grey and purple), memory card, gameshark pro, ereader, and tremorpak plus. The system and games work.

I also have a box full of football cards.

I will consider trade, or your best cash offer. Am interested in getting an itouch but other offers considered.

TRANSLATION

Remember the movie, “40 Year Old Virgin?” Yeah, I’m living it. Unfortunately, I still live with my mom, who is really getting on my nerves, because she won’t buy me any new crap. So in an effort to become more independent, I’ve branched out into various profitable enterprises –

1) Trading stuff on craigslist.

2) Trying to capture that damn leprechaun at the end of the rainbow.

3) Metal detecting. (Hey, bite me! I’m no amateur. I got a certification and shit.)

Female vocalist wants to start Hendrix tribute band

Hey,
I'm a female vocalist that wants to start a Hendrix tribute/cover band. I'm open to other artists too, but mostly Hendrix. I have a practice space at my house, and equipment(PA/mixer/etc).
I'm looking to play clubs, and festivals no more than three times a month. So, if your interested drop me a line.
xoxoxo-Jessi

TRANSLATION

Hendrix wasn’t exactly known for his vocals, and you sure as hell won’t be impressed with mine. I do know the lyrics to about 4 Hendrix songs and have an impressively husky voice, thanks to a few thousand Marlboro Reds and a love affair with Jim Beam. One minor catch, I don’t know shit about playing guitar (this is where I hope you come in), but I do have a bitchin’ karaoke machine.

xoxoxox = I’ll give you a blowjob if you play your cards right.

FREE bag of hair and body products

FRE Ebag of hair products like leav ein conditoner - blow dry stuff- Olay samples, things like that
free proch pick up email me for details
or day to do dorrstep pick up

TRANSLATION

Yeah, that’s right. In the subject line, I said a “free bag of hair.” You probably think that was an accident given my ridiculously poor grammar. Nope. I actually have a bag of human hair, partially collected from myself (you figure out from which parts), and partially from the last dumbass that came stumbling up to my porch trying to collect a bag of free gargabe. We had such a good time together, that I’m thinking of a repeat performance. So if you wanna hang out for a couple months in my dungeon, drop by!

bs/gs

hi we are an interracial couple looking for a white female to give us a gs/bs that is all you would have to do is to come golden shower and poop on us.

serious inquires only

serious in the subject line

TRANSLATION

I don’t know what bs/gs means, and I refuse to google it. But, God bless America. These degenerates used the word “serious” twice in a post that said, “poop on us.”

CRAIGSLIST EXPOSED 2

2010-08-04T14:43:00.002-04:00

Nude female models $400

I'm in need of a few models for video and stills of public nudity and masturbation.
Will be in XXXX and surrounding area.
Pay will be up to 200-400 depending on the nature of the shoot agreed on and will last
about 2 hours. Please respond with pics, information about yourself and your schedule. Look forward to talking

TRANSLATION

Ummmm- okay, not so much translation as much as commentary. Really? It’s a damn good thing craigslist wasn’t around when I was 16.

CAR RENTAL - $150

HELLO,
I AM CURRENTLY LOOKING FOR A CAR TO RENT FROM SOMEONE FOR THE WEEKEND OF AUGUST 20-22
I WANT TO TRAVEL TO NEW JERSEY FOR THE WEEKEND.
I AM 19 YEARS OLD AND VERY RESPONSIBLE
I CANT RENT FROM A RENTAL CAR PLACE BECAUSE YOU HAVE TO BE 21 OR OLDER TO RENT
I AM WILLING TO GIVE YOU 150 FOR THE WEEKEND.
TRUST- I AM WILLING TO SIGN A CONTRACT AND LET YOU SEE MY ID SO YOU CAN HAVE ALL THE INFORMATION YOU NEED IF SOMETHING HAPPENS TO THE CAR OR DAMAGES BUT I HIGHLY DOUBT THAT ANYTHING WILL HAPPEN SINCE I HAD MY LICENSE FOR TWO YEARS AND NEVER GOT IN A SINGLE ACCIDENT.
EMAIL ME AT xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

TRANSLATION

Can you believe that these SOB car rental bitches won’t rent me a car? My experience includes driving hundreds of miles and for 10’s of days. AND, I have personally survived over 12 car accidents (some of which were NOT my fault!), which takes serious skills. Of course, at this point none of my friends or family will even let me ride in the back seat of their car, much less borrow one for the weekend, necessitating this ridiculous and desperate request. Here’s the deal – I give you $150 to hand over your $10,000 ride and you clinch your butt cheeks for 72 hours until you give up and report the car stolen.

So, hit me back at Igonnafuckupyoride@dumbass.com

HOLY SHIT IT'S A TAPE MEASURE!

Holy hairy monkey testicles, what wouldn't you give to get your mangy paws on one of these?!

- Fucker is 12 feet long, and wider than my cock! It'll stretch into fucking forever or some shit!
- It's made of some kind of fucking shiny plastic. It'll blind your goddamn enemies!
- It's called the Fractionier, like it's some kind of fucking superhero!
- It's made in Taiwan. every time you use it, you're sticking it to those commie sons of bitches on the mainland! Fuck Yeah!

Make me an offer for it, if you fucking DARE!

TRANSLATION

Found this gem in the barter section. What am I going to add? This dude is funny.

my handyman skill for massage from female

hello iam a handyman can do alot of differeant trades home improvment skills electrical plumbing hvac what iam loking for in trade is a massage from a female no games no drama if this interest you please email me

TRANSLATION

Yes ladies, I’m that stereotypical plumber guy with my ass crack hanging out the back of my pants. Yes, I’m familiar with all things sewage, and yes, I have the smell to match (you decide if it’s hygiene or occupational hazard). But here’s the thing – I have certain fetishes, and I don’t have the cash (because frankly, I kind of suck at what I do) to drop on a pro. Don’t really care what you look like, because I’m kind of desperate and am willing to wear a bag over my head for your sake and mine. Holla!

CRAIGSLIST EXPOSED 1

2010-07-28T22:56:00.004-04:00

You're hired!

Are you looking for a model?

I'm looking to fill some cancellation spots in my schedule this weekend and next week.
I do everything up to full nudity, both artistic and erotic. I'm letting you decide my compensation but I can't do trades right now.
I'm professional and experienced but that doesn't mean you need to be, I'll work with anyone who's serious. I do private collections, portfolios, projects. I'm easy to work with and LOVE being creative.
Lets make it happen!
(Pictures sent after replies are received <3)

TRANSLATION

No way to candy coat this - I’m a 46 year old whore. But, I have been around the block a few times and know all the tricks (pardon the pun). If you’ve got a fantasy, I’ll make it happen and you can videotape the whole thing!

P.S. I’ll send you a picture of myself 20 years ago upon request (obscene emoticon).

Seeking a Woman to Pose for a Shoot

I am looking for someone to pose for a shoot. Age, race etc. are not important. I prefer someone who is not a professional but someone who can use some photos to build their portfolio. All you have to do is be over 18, send me two or more photos showing your best side. Also tell me whether or not whether you can pose for semi nude and nude shots.You must be able to host. Date and time you are available. The ball is in your court. All you have to do is to convince me to select you. Compensation is negotiable.

TRANSLATION

Seriously, I just want to see a live woman naked. I prefer you are relatively naïve and never, ever learn where I live, because (and this is important), I’m going to ask you to do some freaky shit. I got like 50 bucks (my weekly allowance for the titty bar) for the first person to actually respond to this add.

I want to start a band

I want to start a band. The theme of the band will be vampires so if you have an interest in music and vampires let me know! All I have is my mac laptop and the garageband application so if you have any other talents to offer i can be contacted by the email provided! I am a vampire fanatic and would love to start a band full of vampires and vampire lovers. Bring any ideas to the table. I already have some beats set up and can be found on youtube. My youtube name is XXXXXX so if your curious look me up!

TRANSLATION

I don’t really have any particular musical talent, nor have I actually dated outside my imaginary friend (who I cleverly named Bella). I’m thinking that starting a band could really kick start my social life, and I would really, really like the chance to wear makeup and play vampire dress up. Please?!

27 inch tv

for sale or trade
27 inch tv
2 glass tables
cd/dvd for car and screen
3 garmin nuvis models 200 250 255

TRANSLATION

That’s right - I stole your crap. If you want it, hit me back on craigslist and we can meet at a neutral site. No cops or the glass table gets it!

Douchebag 101 - Lesson 8

2010-05-20T20:36:00.002-04:00

At ADNW, we believe the World is full of aspiring douchebags. Whether due to a foul mood, illness, habit, or simply for sport, everyone engages in a little douchebaggery now and again. [Douchebaggery (n) – the deliberate or unintentional act of behaving like a douchebag.] Most of us will apologize or at least feel badly about ill behavior in retrospect. But for those of you douchebags aspiring to go pro, ADNW has some lessons to help you on your journey. Best of luck – Douchebag!

36 – Cut in line – Standing in line was about all you learned in kindergarten, but you’re not going to play by their rules anymore! The genius of cutting is that you can do it at the movie theatre, at the game, in a car, or just about anywhere. You might get called on it every now and again, but it is quintessential douchebag behavior. You’ll never fail to piss people off with this little maneuver.

37 – Embrace a polarized political stance - It really doesn’t matter if it’s conservative or liberal. You simply have to be immobile in your beliefs. Don’t even spare a moment to acknowledge competing viewpoints. Regardless the argument, you’re right. When pressed, you should generally attempt to overcome sensible counter-arguments by shouting over, ignoring, or distracting your opponent.

38 – Make shit up – This can be applied to nearly anything, but one particularly annoying usage is when answering a question. If you don’t know the answer, it is not acceptable to simply acknowledge you don’t know. You need to make shit up. This preserves your omnipotent presence, and plants the seed for an innocent rube to be embarrassed later when he/she regurgitates your line of shit. (Beware of knowledgeable people. If you can’t sniff them out in advance, you can easily play the “just kidding” card.)

39 – Stay anonymous – When possible, don’t put yourself out there as the source of someone else’s bad day. Be a douchebag anonymously. Make insensitive comments anonymously. Use ultra-dark tinting on your car windows for commuting anonymity, and generally try to stir shit up in anonymity. You may not get to see the repercussions of all your douchebaggery, but you can rest comfortably knowing somebody that thinks you suck, probably won’t be able to find you.

40 – Bandwagon it – Don’t just settle for cheering for a local team. Don’t settle for cheering for the team you cheered for last year. Don’t let yourself be swayed by any type of emotional baggage. Jump on that bandwagon, baby! The only thing your team and you need to have in common is winning. Damn the loyalty, full speed ahead!

Wisdom from the Cubicle Jungle - 10

2010-05-12T22:03:00.002-04:00

Businesses have assorted justifications for work cubicles – brainstorm area, space savings, inexpensive production, social accountability, etc. Physically, the cube is a slightly modified version of an elementary school desk. And this description comfortably fits the hierarchical intent and ensuing behavior. The cube dwellers are the incorrigible third graders, and the neighboring office dwellers are the real adults. Born from the careful observations of a novice cube dweller, this series is an attempt to identify the complex rules of the cubicle jungle. Don’t be alarmed if some rules seem contradictory.

46) Want to feign productivity while job hunting and social networking because you’re a-hole boss expects results? The old paper shuffle is a suitable strategy. Moving crap from one side of your desk to the other is an empty, but polite and conciliatory move that acknowledges the expectation for minimal output.

47) If you have the social skills to be a gregarious cube dweller, use them. Otherwise, you’ll have to learn subtle and strategic craftiness to get others to do your work. You should consider relationship building as maintaining a strong support staff. And by support staff, obviously that means co-workers (superiors, equals, inferiors – it doesn’t really matter) who are willing to do all the work you so carefully avoid.

48) A reliable gauge that conversation has meandered from productive to entertainment mode is when you hear repetitive usage of the phrase, “then I /he/she said.”

49) Regardless the entertainment value, it’s generally going to be a bad idea to openly mock your fellow cube dwellers. You know, because there are no walls. The best way to talk behind someone’s back is via social networking. Otherwise, keep a cork on your ‘balls on impressions’ until you get in a different setting.

50) In a cube jungle, the literal definition of the phrase – “I’ll be here all day” is – “I’ll be glued to my desk all day, except for the first couple hours of the morning, during my generous lunch hour, and before my early exit. But, why not call/stop by anyway? I’ve got to check my Facebook account at some point.”

Orpheus 8 - Rogue Wave

2010-04-25T19:42:00.005-04:00

Concert Series!

Band: Rogue Wave

Website: http://www.roguewavemusic.com/

Date: April 18, 2010

Location: Bluebird, Bloomington, IN

A great place to see bands off the campus of Indiana University, the Bluebird Nightclub, played host to one great show last Sunday night. Oakland, California’s, Rogue Wave brought their unique indie rock sound back to drummer, Pat Sturgeon’s college hang out. As an IU alumnus, Pat took the mic to promote original live music and played with rhythmic heart to the admiration of future graduates and diehard fans.

Sturgeon recently finished a documentary, D-Tour, which chronicled his search for a kidney donor after battling kidney failure in recent years.

Playing a great mix of classic tracks and new songs from the just released, Permalight, Pat and lead singer/guitarist, Zach Rogue, and company jammed out 17 songs over an hour and half. Check out their music which was recently featured live in the movie, Love Happens, as well as in Napoleon Dynamite, television shows, Heroes and Weeds, and commercials for ESPN. You’ll know you’ve heard these songs before…

Check out these tracks and albums:

Permalight
Good Morning (The Future)
Lake Michigan
Bird On A Wire
Publish My Love
Love’s Lost Guarantee
Every Moment

Spirit Week 4.5

2010-04-22T23:35:00.003-04:00

It's closing time Spirit Week enthusiasts. Sadly, we're to the final day of this edition. ADNW hopes it has been at least as much fun for you as us. Go forth and have spirit.

FRIDAY

DAY 5 - "Little Known Fact Friday" – If you know a little known fact, that’s swell, but unnecessary. 5-points each time you tag a “little known fact” on any conversational topic. In other words, be Cliff Claven today. (5-point bonus if you get someone to believe a load of crap.)

Spirit Week 4.4

2010-04-21T21:47:00.003-04:00

Here comes day 4 contestants! Stay on your game and remember to send daily totals to your regional rep, or post via blog comment. And once again, scoring is based on the honor system.

THURSDAY

DAY 4 - "Super-Enthusiast Thursday" – Earn 5 points for triggering discomfort via manic enthusiasm. If asked, “How are you?” The correct answer is a wild-eyed, “Super-fantastic!” How was your lunch? - “The best I’ve EVER tasted!” (5-point bonus if someone openly questions your sanity.)

Spirit Week 4.3

2010-04-20T21:54:00.003-04:00

Welcome to day 3 contestants! Again, best of luck and please send daily totals to your regional rep, or post it to the blog via comment. Remember, as always, scoring is based on the honor system.

WEDNESDAY

Day 3 - Nostradamus (or Psychic non sequitur) Wednesday – Earn 5 points for randomly spouting a cryptic phrase that could be interpreted as a psychic declaration. Wide eyes, ominous tone, and dramatic gesticulation must accompany your phrase. (5-point bonus if someone openly questions your sanity.)

Examples: Attend to durable emotions! When the moon spikes, stand aloof! Fly in the face of competition! Don’t drink the ice! Spilt milk is twice removed! Don’t lend pennies to a spiked loon! Stiffen your lip amid lethargy! Revisit old deliveries! Fortune is in the interim!

Spirit Week 4.2

2010-04-19T22:17:00.002-04:00

Welcome back to Spirit Week contestants! Best of luck on day 2 this 4th edition. Please send daily totals to your regional rep, or post it to the blog via comment. Remember, as always, scoring is based on the honor system. Now strap on your spirit shoes and off we go.

TUESDAY

Welcome to "Talk for me Tuesday" 5-points each time you speak for someone, or have someone speak for you. Your mission is to awkwardly steal conversation via interruption or collaboration. Recommended phrases include – “I’ll take that one,” “Well ____ thinks / says / believes,” “Allow me,” “I know what ____ is going to say,” or “____ will handle that.” Sorry introverts and shut-ins, this will require some social interaction. (5-point bonus if you’re asked to stop.)

Spirit Week 4.1

2010-04-18T22:11:00.003-04:00

Welcome back to Spirit Week contestants! Best of luck in this 4th edition. Please send daily totals to your regional rep, or post it to the blog via comment. Remember, as always, scoring is based on the honor system. Now strap on your spirit shoes and off we go.

MONDAY

Welcome to - "Like Yoda, you speak Monday" – Yoda phrasing earns 5 points each occurrence - spot on impressions encouraged, but not mandatory. If you need further explanation, you don’t get to play, you communist, Martian troll. Just report immediately to your neighborhood Star Wars fan for a flogging. (5-point bonus if someone asks you to stop.)

I Hate New Hampshire - Revisited

2010-04-07T23:23:00.004-04:00

After a long break from hating New Hampshire, I feel compelled to add one more segment. Months and dozens of entertaining comments later (some even insightful), one comment in particular (thanks S. CA Coastal) brought up a critical question. What happens if you HAVE to move to NH? Obviously we all have things that are out of our control, and if this is your cross to bear, my condolences. But, now what?

Here are my recommendations – if you are obligated to move to NH:

1) Live as close to the coast as you can. It’s not cheap, but higher population density gives better odds you’ll find humanity. And of course by “humanity,” I mean people that will talk to you.

2) Rent. Don’t buy. Aside from avoiding an enormous yearly tax bill, you will also have fewer obstacles to making a quick escape.

3) Take your annual vacation during black fly season. Go anywhere but NH.

4) Plan to take on a hobby. Unchecked, the social isolation will drive you nuts. A productive hobby might distract you. (I qualify with “productive,” because I fear some claim heavy drinking as a hobby.)

5) Get a quality GPS device. You won’t know where you’re going and nobody will give a crap. Best to maximize your self-reliance with high quality resources. This also will assure you’re able to efficiently reach the airport from any location.

6) Prepare for the worst. The infrastructure is what it is, and it sucks. Budget for all the best winter equipment (snow removal equipment, camping supplies), with the assumption that you will battle icy roads, power and water outages.

7) For driving safety, I suggest you purchase a bumper car. Obviously a tank or very sturdy 4-wheel drive could also suffice.

8) Have a sense of humor. If laughter is the best medicine, you’ll need an assload.

And get used to this scenery

Douchebag 101 - Lesson 7

2010-03-30T22:54:00.004-04:00

IN THE CAR 2

31 – Blind the meek – Don’t be content to flash the occasional accidental high beams or even retaliatory flash. Just keep those suckers on. Add some fog lights too if possible. It’s pretty funny when other drivers can’t see where they’re going.

32 – Text & Drive – Nothing says I could give a crap about my fellow man like swerving into oncoming traffic.

33 - Drive Drunk – go old school homicidal. Don’t just settle for inattentive text driving. If those schmucks can’t dodge you, they don’t belong on the road anyway, right?

(Unfortunately necessary disclaimer – in case you missed the boat, everything written here is sarcasm. ADNW does NOT endorse driving impaired in any way. Our point is quite the opposite – this is major Assbag behavior.)

34 - Don’t use turn signals, ever. It’s best to keep your fellow motorist / pedestrian guessing.

35 – Ride the shoulder – You can do it for leisure, just to kick up rocks into the windshields of cars behind you, or you can step it up a notch and use the shoulder as a passing lane. After all, wherever you’re going and whatever you’re doing is way more important than anyone else.

Douchebag 101 - Lesson 6

2010-03-16T20:57:00.007-04:00

IN THE CAR

26 - Tailgate – I once had an inexperienced friend who described the proper distance for following as, “It’s okay if you can see their tires.” Which to be fair would be true if you’re driving The Concord (the now defunct supersonic passenger jet with infamously difficult pilot visibility – just google a picture if you’re still not with me). But tailgating is a quintessential weapon in the douchebag arsenal. Not only do you cause immense discomfort to the victim, but you easily put anyone else in the vicinity in mortal peril.

27 - Cut them off – Make aggressive swerves into other lanes, preferably with little warning and in close proximity to other cars. If the other driver doesn’t have to brake for you, then you’re just not trying hard enough. Masters of the cut-off actually tend to make the other driver swerve, brake and fear for their lives.

Just park it right up on the sidewalk, Douchebag

28 – Crash the Crosswalk – Forget slowing down or stopping, when you see pedestrians attempting to cross the street, it’s time to accelerate. You don’t simply want them to confuse your intention as thoughtless, or inattentive. It’s important to leave them with a dose of terror as they dive for safety.

29 - Turn the radio up – You might not be close enough on the highway to make an impact, but when you’re on residential streets, school zones, and drive thrus, it’s time to pump it up. Don’t go for ABBA either. You need to inflict something crude on the community.

30 – Honk persistently – Don’t just share a reserved toot when the guy in front of you misses the light change to green. You need to get on the horn and wear that bastard out. Furthermore, only amateurs pause for cause. Just start honking the moment you think there’s a chance something is amiss. Hell, just honk to be irritating if nothing else provokes you.

This one is just funny

BATHROOM ETIQUETTE 3.1

2010-03-13T17:21:00.004-05:00

ARCHITECTUAL FLAWS

Tight quarters – I recognize that real estate will always be at a premium, but in no case should I have to rub knees with the dipshit squatting next to me. Stranger or lifelong friend, hand holding proximity is unacceptable. Hopefully your moment on the throne will be relatively solitary. But if some dude is forced to neighbor up, there needs to be a suitable buffer zone.

Knobs are for knobs – If I can’t turn something on and off with a wave of my hand, I should be able to do it with a knuckle. [See Bathroom Etiquette Tip 2 (5/7/09)] There are plenty of douchebags out there that don’t wash. You should never have to touch anything with a bare hand that the last idiot just smeared his feces on.

EXIT STRATEGY– If a door opens outward, it helps eliminate the need to put a hand on a knob or handle in the first place. I’m willing to dodge a door swinging outward if it guarantees less foreign poo contact.

Trash can placement – If you’re a janitor that gets frustrated with the pile of paper towels on the floor near the exit to the bathroom, I would take this as a clue. It probably indicates the previous two items are an issue. You might consider a trashcan adjustment, because those of us unwilling to touch a diseased door handle will need somewhere to drop the barrier towel.

Hand crank towel dispensers – It’s a bit ironic that clean conscious people wash their hands then have to touch the wet, Petri dish of a handle on the community towel dispenser. If towels don’t self-dispense, it’s pretty much a waste of effort washing your hands.

Douchebag 101 - Lesson 5

2010-03-04T22:02:00.005-05:00

AT THE STORE

21 - Use a check in the checkout line - bonus points if you write slowly and wait until everyone is staring. There’s no point in getting an early start when you can milk the attention.

22 - Have too many items in the express check out.

23 - Leave your cart unattended in the checkout line to fetch another item or 8. Bonus if you’re next up in a long line.

24 - Have an extensive conversation that lasts at least into the next customer’s turn. The important factor is to distract the checker and slow the progress of the customers behind you.

25 - Argue the price of something, anything. Bonus points if it saves you 20 cents or less.

Wisdom from the Cubicle Jungle - 9

2010-02-23T09:33:00.004-05:00

41) While job-hunting, you should maximize your efficiency by sharing the workload with a cube-mate. As a team, you can visit twice the websites and enjoy the social rewards of collaboration. It’s not like your next job is going to find itself!

42) It is permissible to spice up your day by playing a little game called – “Social Networking Jinx.” When stumbling on the same facebook post, the cube dweller that is last to type or say “LOL” has to buy a coke for the other. (On a side-note, please see the ADNW post “LOL must die” for our official position on that acronym.)

43) When a cube neighbor talks all day about a big party / social outing that evening, it is polite to play dumb when he/she calls in sick the next day with the beer flu.

44) It is expected you will arrive late to work most days. If anyone even notices, a standard dismissive excuse will suffice – traffic, dog vomited, shoulder shrug, etc.

45) However, when you arrive obnoxiously late (general guideline is 45 plus minutes), an interesting anecdote will be required. Your job status will not be impacted one way or the other, but your social standing in the jungle can suffer if you fail to deliver the appropriate entertainment value.

Orpheus 7 - HAMMERFEST 2010

2010-02-19T10:50:00.003-05:00

Concert Series!

HAMMERFEST 2010

Band: Lovehammers

Website: http://www.lovehammers.com

Date: February 13, 2010

Location: House of Blues, Chicago, IL

Shows are always more enjoyable when the band is in their element, having fun and giving back to their hometown crowd. This was the case last Saturday night in Chicago where Hammerfest 2010 rocked a sold out House of Blues!

Marty Casey and the Kourelis brothers brought their A game with a strong mix of songs from their last 10 years and a belting “it’s only teenage wasteland” during a cover of the classic Who song, “Baba O’Riley”. Highlights included an 8 year old girl on stage for “Eyes Can’t See” stealing the audience hearts with her rock persona. Marty took to climbing the second tier balcony and walking the entire edge during “Oh My Babe.” Then while playing the hit “Trees” (made famous on the reality show Rock Star INXS) the band helped another Chicagoan with his Valentines Day date that came all the way from London to be named fan furthest to travel to this years show.

These guys have been friends since they were in Little League together and the benefit is to the fans (The Hammerheads). This balanced and heartfelt sound and the bands kinship shows through in their live shows. Checkout Lovehammers newest release, Heavy Crown, its character is jam-packed with heavy riffs and clever lyrics and the deep rich resonance picks right back up where the previous album left off. You’ll be reeled in for sure.

Check out these tracks and albums:

Trees
Clinic
The Riddle
Eyes Can’t See
Oh My baby
That’s Life
Your Time, My Time
Find Your Way

Wisdom from the Cubicle Jungle - 8

2010-02-16T19:45:00.003-05:00

36) Bring the drama. Your anecdotal life should mimic a soap opera. Everything has to be the worst or best, and there is no room for bland. Consider it your duty, because cube dwellers bore easily.

37) If your cubicle neighbor is in the midst of her 3^rd or 4^th phone call that requires the phrase, “I don’t know, what are you doing?” This is a cry for help. It is your job to help relieve her obvious boredom by dropping by to have an extended social break.

38) If your cube neighbor has a relationship in transition, it’s urgent to make sure she knows how much you care by interrogating her about the daily details of the evolving romance.

39) When someone is fired, it is expected that you will gossip in hushed tones. Certainly not so hushed as to be inaudible to the rest of the jungle, because that would also be rude. It’s more like a small child attempting a whisper – you can still be heard plainly at a distance, but you are able to express the appropriate respectful sentiment.

40) If overwhelmed with work, the best practice is to do nothing. Why let the weight of responsibility weigh you down when facebook is calling?

Douchebag 101 - Lesson 4

2010-02-12T01:01:00.005-05:00

Ya, I just came here to look at your wings.

16 - Adopt the accent and verbiage of other cultures. They find it flattering when you mock and marginalize.

17 - Use the expression “you people” liberally. There are few phrases that can more efficiently alienate a group of people.

18 - Steer clear of originality. No idea, joke, or concept could possibly be as good as one recycled.

19 - Do NOT open a door for anyone - ever.

20 – Curse liberally around children. You not only have the opportunity to cause temporary discomfort to your companions, but you also have the potential to indoctrinate the next generation of douchebags.

Douchebag 101 - Lesson 3

2010-01-27T23:44:00.004-05:00

11 - Just toss your trash anywhere – people will pick up after you, or God will make it go away (in 10,000 years or so).

12 - Do not say “thank you!” This is a sign of weakness in douchebag culture and one of the lowest forms of emasculation.

13 - Smoke in an entryway. Not only do you provide an unavoidable wall of smoke for those entering and exiting, but given the appropriate conditions, you can also create an odious cloud of stench inside the building.

14 - Wear sunglasses indoors and/or at night (see Fashion Illiterate post).

15 - Yell at someone publicly. Do NOT waste your righteous fury in private.

Good fences make good neighbors? Perhaps a moat and a wall?

FUN WITH THE FASHION ILLITERATE 9

2010-01-23T00:30:00.003-05:00

CELL PHONES

Cell phones have been a fashion game changer. One of the silliest trends has been the phone holster. Although these have evolved to something slightly less ridiculous, the humor won’t die. When I see some dude sporting a holster, it never fails to conjure imagery of this douchebag thinking he’s an Old West gunslinger. Or perhaps Boy Wonder is working on a starter Batman utility belt. Obviously there is some utility there, but most people manage to make a pocket work just fine. I tend to think the holster is primarily intended to show off the goods. And by “goods,” I mean draw the eye away from his small penis.

The Bluetooth earpiece is the next generation holster. Its best feature is the way it has leveled the playing field for schizophrenics everywhere. Please tell me - when did people stop feeling silly about walking through a store talking out loud to an invisible person? Nothing says, “Look at me with apprehension” like hearing half a conversation. Of course, because we’re all attention whores, the douchebag really just wants you to give him a look (even if only out of concern). “Looky, Looky at my pretty, pretty expensive toy!” If you want to impress me with your disposable income, how about you just staple $500 to your forehead. I’ll respect your candor and not feel compelled to smack it off your head.

Pictures courtesy – mobilewhack.com; evankessler.wordpress.com

Orpheus Top 100 Songs of the Decade 2000-2009

2010-01-13T22:31:00.011-05:00

After months of listening and sifting through the music library, the 1st annual top 100 songs of the decade is now complete. For you fans of “The Naughties”, it was a decade to remember and for others one to forget, but there’s one thing keeps good old Orpheus smiling and that’s the music.

1	Stills	It Takes Time	Without Feathers	2006
2	Dears	Ballad Of Humankindness	Gang Of Losers	2006
3	Bravery	Time Won’t Let Me Go	The Sun And the Moon	2007
4	Spoon	The Underdog	Ga Ga Ga Ga Ga	2007
5	Wolfmother	Love Train	Wolfmother	2005
6	Damned	Song.com	Grave Disorder	2001
7	Shout Out Louds	The Comeback	Howl Howl Gaff Gaff	2005
8	Broken West	Baby On My Arm	I Can’t Go On, I'll Go On	2007
9	Green Day	Jesus Of Suburbia	American Idiot	2004
10	Weezer	Island In the Sun	Weezer (The Green Album)	2001
11	Marty Casey & Lovehammers	The Riddle	Marty Casey & Lovehammers	2006
12	Supergrass	Seen The Light	Life On Other Planets	2002
13	Stereophonics	Getaway	You Got To Go There To Come Back	2003
14	Dresden Dolls	Backstabber	Yes Virginia	2006
15	Sounds	Painted By Numbers	Dying To Say This To You	2006
16	Vines	Factory	Highly Evolved	2002
17	Kings Of Leon	Sex On Fire	Only By the Night	2008
18	Rock Kills Kid	Hope Song	Are You Nervous?	2006
19	Unwritten Law	How You Feel	Elva	2002
20	Okkervil River	Unless It's Kicks	The Stage Names	2007
21	British Sea Power	Please Stand Up	Open Season	2005
22	Golden Smog	You Make It Easy	Another Fine Day	2006
23	Hot Hot Heat	Middle of Nowhere	Elevator	2005
24	Motion City Soundtrack	Everything is Alright	Commit This To Memory	2005
25	Secret Machines	Nowhere Again	Now Here is Nowhere	2004
26	Strokes	Under Control	Room On Fire	2003
27	Lit	Next Time Around	Atomic	2001
28	Offspring	Spare Me The Details	Splinter	2003
29	311	Amber	From Chaos	2001
30	Goldfinger	Stalker	Disconnection Notice	2005
31	Kaiser Chiefs	Ruby	Yours Truly, Angry Mob	2007
32	Cribs	Mirror Kissers	The New Fellas	2005
33	Finger Eleven	Paralyzer	Them vs. You vs. Me	2007
34	New Pornographers	Use It	Twin Cinema	2005
35	Grizzly Bear	Two Weeks	Veckatimest	2009
36	Audioslave	Be Yourself	Out Of Exile	2005
37	Darkness	Growing On Me	Permission To Land	2003
38	Tantric	Astounded	Tantric	2001
39	Black Rebel Motorcycle Club	Whatever Happened To My Rock and Roll	B.R.M.C.	2001
40	Death Cab For Cutie	I Will Follow You Into The Dark	Plans	2005
41	Redwalls	Thank You	De Nova	2005
42	Kooks	Ooh La	Inside In/Inside Out	2006
43	Elefant	Misfit	Sunlight Makes Me Paranoid	2003
44	Franz Ferdinand	Take Me Out	Franz Ferdinand	2004
45	Phantom Planet	1st Things 1st	Phantom Planet	2004
46	We Are Scientists	Can't Loose	With Love and Squalor	2006
47	Rancid	Start Now	Indestructible	2003
48	New Found Glory	Doubt Full	Catalyst	2004
49	We Are The Fury	Still Don't Know Your Name	Venus	2007
50	Fratellis	Everybody Knows You Cried Last Night	Costello Music	2006
51	Walkman	We've Been Had	Everyone Who Pretended To Like Me Is Gone	2002
52	South	Loosen Your Hold	With the Tides	2003
53	Bishop Allen	Middle Management	The Broken String	2007
54	Rooney	I'm Shakin'	Rooney	2003
55	Colour	Save Yourself	Between The Heart & Sky	2007
56	As Fast As	This Time	Open Letter To The Damned	2006
57	Our Lady Peace	Angels/Losing/Sleep	Healthy In Paranoid Times	2005
58	Remy Zero	Glorious #1	The Golden Hum	2001
59	Thermals	A Pillar Of Salt	The Body, The Blood, The Machine	2006
60	My Chemical Romance	Teenagers	The Black Parade	2006
61	Heartless Bastards	All This Time	All This Time	2006
62	Seether	Rise Above This	Finding Beauty In Negative Spaces	2007
63	Jet	Are You Gonna Be My Girl?	Get Born	2003
64	Apples In Stereo	Energy	New Magnetic Wonder	2007
65	Silversun Pickups	Lazy Eye	Carnavas	2006
66	White Rabbit	Kid On My Shoulders	Fort Nightly	2007
67	I'm From Barcelona	We're From Barcelona	Let Me Introduce My Friends	2006
68	Rogue Wave	Publish My Love	Descended Like Vultures	2005
69	Jason Mraz	I'm Yours	We Sing. We Dance. We Steal Things.	2008
70	John Legend	Save Room	Once Again	2006
71	John Mayer	No Such Thing	Room for Squares	2001
72	Hayes Carll	I Don’t Want To Grow Up	Trouble In Mind	2008
73	Plain White T's	Hey There Delilah	All That We Needed	2005
74	Keane	Somewhere We Only Know	Hopes And Fears	2004
75	Margot & The Nuclear So and So's	As Tall As Cliffs	Not Animal	2008
76	Coldplay	In My Place	A Rush of Blood To The Head	2002
77	Doves	Words	The Last Broadcast	2002
78	Shins	Kissing The Lipless	Chutes Too Narrow	2003
79	Peter Bjorn & john	Young Folks	Writer's Block	2006
80	Queens Of the Stone Age	No One Knows	Songs For The Def	2002
81	Stars	Take Me To The Riot	In Our Bedroom After The War	2007
82	Killers	Somebody Told Me	Hot Fuss	2004
83	Ok Go	Here It Goes Again	Oh No	2005
84	Sum 41	Fat Lip	All Killer No Filler	2001
85	Gratitude	Feel Alright	Gratitude	2005
86	Wilco	You Never Know	Wilco	2009
87	Boston	I Had A Good Time	Corporate America	2002
88	Night Ranger	Whatever Happened	Hole In the Sun	2007
89	Asia	An Extraordinary Life	Phoenix	2008
90	Paul McCartney	Freedom	Driving Rain	2001
91	3 Doors Down	It's Not My Time	3 Doors Down	2008
92	Hoobastank	Crawling In The Dark	Hoobastank	2002
93	Nickelback	Woke Up This Morning	Silverside up	2001
94	Hives	A Little More For Little You	Tyrannosaurus Hives	2004
95	Creed	Don't Stop Dancing	Weathered	2001
96	Shinedown	Second Chance	The Sound Of Madness	2008
97	Incubus	Drive	Make Yourself	2000
98	Maroon 5	Sunday Morning	Songs About Jane	2004
99	Kid Rock	All Summer Long	Rock And Roll Jesus	2008
100	Foo Fighters	Next Year	There's Nothing Left To Lose	2000

FUN WITH THE FASHION ILLITERATE 8

2010-01-10T23:45:00.003-05:00

SHADES

Read the following sentence slowly… you know, for dramatic effect.

Sunglasses were created to shield your eyes from the sun.

That whole fashion thing is optional. Okay fine, it’s also a nice bonus to conceal the “windows to the soul” or to clandestinely scrutinize a bikini. These are legitimate objectives. And, I’m not advocating wearing your grandmother’s enormous pair of ‘fit over’ sunglasses.

Certainly, there’s no crime in looking good. And like many things, shades have evolved from functional to fashion staple. But, when did people start thinking it was appropriate to wear shades at night and/or indoors? I have to blame Hollywood. James Dean, Paris Hilton, Jack Nicholson all have signature shades. (By the way, why the hell did Max Headroom wear shades?) In L.A. you can’t find a friggin mannequin without shades. Hell, 3 year olds and Chihuahuas wear sunglasses in So Cal. But here’s the thing – you indoor/nighttime sunglass folks look like idiots. I completely condone pointing and laughing when you encounter these douchebags.

pictures courtesy - squidonice.wordpress.com/2009/08/; myspace.com/chewtoffee

Douchebag 101 - Lesson 2

2010-01-07T00:38:00.006-05:00

6 - Park your car in multiple spots. To hell with parking your Dodge “Compensate4sumthin” at the back of the parking lot, you need to leave your car close enough for everyone to see how pretty it is…while parked in 4 spots they could have really used.

7 - Text and walk/drive. This activity cleverly combines general environmental inattention with an inappropriate focal point. At best, this is a recipe for inconveniencing those irrelevant sheep around you. At worst, it’s a genuine danger.

8 - Stand in an entry/exit/doorway. It doesn’t matter the place, just be certain to idle in the center of a choke point, where a large volume of traffic passes, or in your case, are attempting to pass. Bonus points if it’s a safety hazard, such as at the top of an escalator.

9 - Own an Audi. (For context, see Car Stereotypes.)

10 - Liberally use phrases like – “I’m only going to explain this one time,” or “Listen,” or “Look,” or other assorted filler. It’s best to put the audience in their place before making your statement.

Douchebag 101 - Lesson 1

2010-01-04T15:29:00.004-05:00

1 - Give yourself a nickname, and then frequently insist that others refer to you by that name. Bonus points for constantly documenting your nickname – on jerseys, vanity plates, scorecards, etc. Double bonus for legally changing your name to the nickname.

2 - Sport a soul patch (see Fashion Illiterate posts – facial hair).

3 - Be an expert at everything. There can be no question too tough to make up some type of bullshit answer to. The phrase, “I don’t know” can never pass your lips. And, you must truly believe it would be better to drop your pants and grab your ankles before considering the phrase, “Let me find out.”

4 - Clap when someone drops something, or falls. Not only do you get the opportunity to broadcast the person’s failure, but you also draw attention to yourself as the clever one who first recognized the failure.

5 - Don’t tip. Others are meant to serve you, so why should a waiter/waitress/service person get any more money out of you than minimum wage? Absorbing your greatness is gift enough.

10 RESOLUTIONS FOR 2010 - JUST SUGGESTIONS

2009-12-31T01:57:00.003-05:00

And perhaps a healthy dose of sunscreen after #10

1) At least once a day, eat until you sweat profusely.

2) Become exponentially more dramatic. In the age of reality television, you should raise your personal profile by finding creative ways to embarrass family and friends. Talk loudest, disengage your filter, make assumptions, ignore logic, disregard feelings, and generally abandon personal pride and decorum.

3) Complete your work on cracking the secret code imbedded in Miley Cyrus’s songs. She really is talking to you. And, the only way you can stop wearing the aluminum-foil hat is to figure out her intentions.

4) Insert a movie or song quote into every conversation.

5) Alternate to number 4 – insert the topic of poop.

6) Land a job that provides excessive vacation time (defined by lengthy periods where you can’t remember which day it is, and only feel compelled to shower because even you can’t handle the stench).

7) Start a new fad that somehow involves the usage of sculpted nostril hair.

8) Try to eliminate originality. Echo the thoughts of others, like what everyone else likes, and just simply go with the crowd. First task – start using the acronym LOL heavily.

9) At a restaurant, ask a stranger for partially eaten food.

10) Throw your hands in the air, and party like you just don’t care!

Props to A.Cleveland for the contributions

Orpheus 5 - Best of 2009

2009-12-27T21:11:00.011-05:00

Every year we see them, “The Year in Review,” who charted, who should have, must have albums and who had the best grossing concert, those non-stop end of the year lists…Well here at ADNW we are no different, okay we are different but that’s a whole other post. Below is a collection of favorites (based on most listened to) for 2009 in the world according to Orpheus. Our goal is simple -- to expand your listening enjoyment!

OoIO’s Top 9 of Aught 9:

9. Tantric – Strong return with a new line up and back to back years with Album releases, Hugo Ferriera the sole original member takes us back to 2001’s hit Breakdown with the band’s 4^th studio album, Mind Control, and a post grunge rock sound that will get your air guitar back out. If you still enjoy the alternative rock sound of the late 90’s you should check out these Louisville natives.

Songs: What Are You Waiting For/Fall To The Ground/The Past Is The Past

www.myspace.com/tantric

8. Heartless Bastards – Currently on the road in support of Wolfmother (see #3 below). This Austin, TX via Ohio based hard driven blues rock band lead by front-woman, Erika Wennerstrom, rocks you back each show from start to finish. Their 3^rd album, The Mountain, takes you on this same ride and with the distinctive gnarled voice; Erika and team do it with style.

Songs: Out To Sea/The Mountain/Hold Your Head High/Nothing Seems The Same

www.theheartlessbastards.com/

7. Bishop Allen – With a strong indie rock and folk influence, this Brooklyn, NY based duo and collaboration band released their 3^rd full length album this year in the same fashion they left off with on 2007’s, The Broken String. Taking their name from a street they lived on, Bishop Allen Drive, near Harvard University and supporting a heavy touring schedule, try not to miss these guys in a city near you.

Song: The Ancient Commonsense of Things/Rooftop Brawl/Dimmer/Oklahoma

www.bishopallen.com/

6. Cross Canadian Ragweed – Out of Oklahoma, this Alternative Country Red Dirt Band took its name by combining the names of three of its band members, Grady Cross, Cody Canada, and Randy Ragsdale. Switching back and forth between classic southern rock licks and country style lyrics CCR’s tenth album, Happiness and All Other Things, was released in August of 2009 to coincide with their 15^th Anniversary.

Songs: 51 Pieces/Burn Like The Sun/Tomorrow/To Find My Love/Kick In The Head

www.crosscanadianragweed.com/

5. Jookabox – Lead by Indianapolis, IN native David “Moose” Adamson once know as Grampall Jookabox, and now a 4 piece ensemble including two former members of the Indy scenes psych-pop, Everthus the Deadbeats. The madness that is, fills this paranormal tribute to rising up against the dead in which you’ll find even zombies can learn to love.

Songs: You Cried Me/Phantom Don’t Go/Don’t Go Phantom/East Side Bangs…

www.myspace.com/jookabox

4. The Damned - This bands 10^th album and first since the beginning of the decade was worth the wait. Dave Vanian’s haunted crooner vocals and Captain Sensible’s delicious guitar once again proved a place for this British punk band around since 1976. In its most current version, The Damned continues to impress.

Songs: Danger To Yourself/Perfect Sunday/Little Miss Disaster/Since I Met You

www.officaldamned.com/

3. Wolfmother – After a couple year hiatus this Australian band led by front man Andrew Stockdale is back and as good as ever. Having taken the title of the new album from a yoga pose, the music between its covers is nothing less than the masterfulness of their debut album. Aside from their critic’s comparison to the hard rock bands of old, their unique blend of psychebloozangstapunk keeps you coming “back around.”

Songs: Eyes Open/Far Away/White Feather/Cosmonaught/Back Round

www.wolfmother.com/

2. The Thermals – On their 4^th album this indie trio from Portland, OR, refined their indie-punk sound and the result was a must listen over and over and over again. Started in 2002 by Hutch Harris and Kathy Foster, they’ve outdone themselves with some of their smartest and catchiest songs yet, and for those of you familiar with their previous work, they already rocked!

Songs: Now We Can See/We Were Sick/I Called Out Your Name/At the Bottom of the Sea

www.thethermals.com/

1. Lovehammers – Lead by Marty Casey, best known as runner up on the 2005 reality TV show Rockstar: INXS; but don’t hold that against him. These guys are boyhood friends from Chicago, IL. Once known as Swinging Lovehammers and Marty Casey & Lovehammers, their blend of Alt-Rock-Pop catches you quick and leaves you wanting more. Check out their new album “Heavy Crown” and you’re soon to be a Hammerhead too.

Songs: Oh My Baby/That’s Life/Guns/Neverfall/Your Time, My Time

www.lovehammers.com/

From the Dr. Love Files – 2.5

2009-12-23T09:59:00.006-05:00

Dr. Love’s Holidating Do’s or Don’ts

‘Tis the season for really f’ing things up with friends, family and those distant relatives you just can’t wait to see. The one thing you really want to count on is that you’ll both still be a couple when the tinsel’s back in the box. Even the most solid of relationships will feel the winter chill and the stress of Mr. Heatmiser breathing down the back of your neck. Let’s face it the Holiday Season is stressful and celebrating together with the respective family clans can get on anyone’s last nerve. Hopefully the Doctor has some helpful hints to keep you from candy caning each other to death!

Do’s

Be prepared! Realize the potential the season brings. Manage each situation as you would normally, using your common sense. It will be more enjoyable when you maintain a firm handle on everything.
Schedule as much as possible on a calendar you both can share. Sounds corny but it might keep you from a disappointing mishap such as showing up to her work’s Holiday party two sheets from the wind or smelling like reindeer dung from that impromptu snipe hunt. It’s supposed to be your chance to be charming not a wino. Plus, don’t forget to sneak in a few naughty moments; I suggest one for each day of the month.
Leave sweet nothing messages, love notes or dirty little secrets as to what is yet to come as the 12 days of Christmas dwindle to a close. Be creative and keep each other wanting more.
Sneak away from that party or family gathering for a little rendezvous in the coat closet. A little New Years adventure is always good for the future story telling. ”…remember that time…”
Communication…Communication…Communication!
Splurge for a night on the town just the two of you. Take a carriage ride or enjoy the Yuletide Celebration, Christmas lighting ceremony, live Nativity, or enjoy The Nutcracker. Too easy, you can insert your own joke here!
Find the Christmas Spirit early. No one likes a scrooge. Whatever works for you, do it…volunteer at a local soup kitchen, start shopping on Black Friday, sit on Santa’s lap, bake your favorite cookies, break out the Holiday music, or my personal favorite, watch Rudolph take on the Bumble, he bounces!

Don’ts

Never get into a heated debate. There’s no place for politics or heated suggestions on topics only Uncle Eddie thinks he knows the answers to.
Don’t make plans for your significant other without a consultation first. See calendar above. It’s great that you want him to stop by mom & dads on Christmas Eve but don’t blind side him 2 hours before dinner. Likewise, a Christmas party sounds great until all your family and friends show up and none of his were even invited.
Lose the holiday sweater. Guys, it’s fugly on you. Grandma’s the only one who can get away with it.
No woman likes it when you bark orders to get you another beer. It’s not called in-sensitivity training for a reason -- so guy’s help out! Get off your a** and be perceptive to her needs even showing her you’re in touch with your feminine side; no one’s going to remember anyway, it’s Christmas…This goes for helping out your mother too!
Forgo the whips and paddles or crotchless for something classy. Although you might like it, she’s looking for something from the heart. This doesn’t mean it can’t be risqué or something your grandmother’s Aunt Sue would wear…Yuk. Note for the ladies: Some of you might disagree; just let your man know ahead of time if kinky is the spirit.
Choose your drinks wisely. Look we’ve all been there, remember that time at band camp when you blew chunks all over sweet Annie the flutist, not good…Besides have you seen eggnog from above your girl while holding her hair back? Definitely not good…
Secret Santa, White Elephant and caroling are only for Christmasochists, and we all feel the pain.

Decorating casualty

LOL MUST DIE!

2009-12-20T20:40:00.002-05:00

LOL MUST DIE!

(repost, because it's just that important)

LOL is played out. It’s as fresh as a faded ABBA tramp stamp on a bikini clad, 70-year old sporting a raging case of eczema. It’s time LOL goes the way of parachute pants and disco. Personally, I despise the acronym. Never liked it and I can’t help but feel a bit dirty when I see it. The astounding overuse, ignorant misuse, and the ridiculous lack of imagination is overwhelming. Many feel the same way and some LOL enthusiasts have begun to smell the decay. Time to bury the rotting corpse.

LOL DEFINED

In case you’re a geriatric caveman, L.O.L. is an abbreviation (commonly written lol) that supposedly stands for laugh out loud or laughing out loud. It’s used heavily in social networking and will occasionally find it’s way into verbal conversation and various pop culture mediums. The intended usage of LOL is to express to another person that they wrote something funny. I’m certain that the LOL inventor (Al Gore perhaps?) is abundantly pleased with its evolution and prevalence in society.

LOL TODAY

Common practice is to write LOL in lower case letters, minus the periods that commonly denote an abbreviation. It awkwardly looks like a typo or an attempt at obscure verbiage. Consequently, when I see “lol” it reads audibly like a dirty, guttural word mixed between foul and pole. In my head it sounds like “Law-ull,” which conjures the sense of vomiting into one’s own mouth. Frequently, LOL is used alone, and to begin or end a sentence. It’s a reflexive insert akin to nervous laughter. You’ll find it thrown in to any random comment and it either comes off as mistaken punctuation or a command. LOL is used as an obligatory conclusion to nearly any statement. For example, it would not be shocking to see, “Sorry you broke your arm, LOL.” It’s ridiculously overused, misused, and abused, so that when something funny is actually said, the acronym has absolutely no meaning / credibility.

LOL proponents – what they say and why that’s crap

It’s cute and harmless

I won’t argue for or against a cuteness factor, but the assertion that LOL is harmless is crap. It’s a dumbed down version of an actual compliment. Compliments are inherently meant to reward a positive behavior or status. LOL is instead akin to annoying filler in casual conversation – like “ummmm,” “You know,” or Obama’s “Aaaaaand.” But in the case of LOL, it’s worse than meaningless. You don’t smack a dog for peeing in the right spot. (Hopefully you don’t smack your dog period). So why would you verbally smack your friend for saying something funny? Rather than issuing a dismissive “compliment,” how about exerting the energy to share something meaningful with the writer. Save LOL for knock, knock jokes.

It’s simple – a time saving way to say props

Brevity is nice. You can save time, disguise poor writing skills, and cleverly escape having nothing to say. I’m even fond of a smart acronym now and again. But weigh that second or two savings against the message you’re really sending to the humorous author. Is it worth it? I say no. Furthermore, among my problems with LOL is that although it might be marginally quicker to type, it actually costs more time to read. There are as many syllables when pronouncing the letters as the words.

this is a safe way to convey, “i’m Just joking.”

It’s a shame that we all don’t have thicker skin and/or can just assume that everything is said in jest. But, I get the apprehension. However, LOL is not a suitable replacement for “Just Joking.” LOL used in this case is like saying, “Here’s my joke. Now you need to laugh out loud.” That’s out of line. I don’t want to be told to laugh. Did you ever hear Seinfeld complete a joke by saying, “Start laughing now?” As weak as it is, I would be more receptive to “Just joking/kidding.” A tip to aspiring comedians – if you have to command your audience to laugh, the joke may not be funny. And if it is funny, an added LOL reeks of insecurity. Call me old fashioned, but I feel like comedy should be viable minus the “just kidding” tag. You have to commit to your joke, and if it’s not recognized as funny, then either you’re not being funny, or you need to modify you audience.

More expressive than the smiley face :)

Who says the smiley face is a valid expression? “Emoticons” sort of replace nonverbal cues that are otherwise unavailable via computer. But the validity of the smiley face or other expressive crap is not my battle. Let’s just say LOL is not an improvement. At least the smiley faces and tongue sticking out crap took some thought to create.

WHAT ELSE AM I GOING TO SAY?

Do we really need an acronym to say – “props, you’re funny?” How about just doing the writer a solid by typing out a meaningful response. “Thanks for making me laugh” may be way less cutesy, but I know I would appreciate the extra few seconds of effort. I estimate that it’s about a 3 second difference if you are even slightly familiar with a keyboard.

But if you’re desperate to dwell in the land of the cutesy acronym, at least try something fresh now and again. If you need a nudge in that direction, off the top of my head here’s a list of fresh candidates.

GAC = Giggling and crying; GAS = Giggling and snorting; SAS = Snickering and slobbering; FDL = Fall down laughing; FH = Friggin hilarious; JJ – Just Joking; JK – Just Kidding (or short for Joke).

If none of these suit you, then feel free to experiment with any acronym combo of the following words. Add an adjective and perhaps a preposition and you’re in business.

Laugh, Hysterical, Guffaw, Chortle, Snort, Snicker, Giggle, Chuckle, Cackle

I’m certainly not prepared to endorse any of these. Eventually, any stand-in would land in the pile of overused crap. But for now, I’m thrilled with the progress of exterminating LOL, so go nuts.

It’s a real word

An acceptable argument if you’re Dutch or Welsh. In this case, you can keep it. Just surround it with a bunch of other Dutch or Welsh words.

NOW WHAT?

If you join the cause to end LOL, it is your responsibility to call out abusers. It’s not necessary to be nasty or crude. Certainly, the worst abusers may need a little more aggressive approach. But, my suggestion would be to start with a gentle note on your FB page – “lol not welcome here,” or “Kill LOL,” or “LOL sucks,” etc. Couple this with a note following any lol posts – “Dude, don’t lol me,” or “don’t lol me and I won’t fart on you,” etc. And here’s the trump card – whenever you see a stray lol and you aren’t worried about alienating a family member or pissing off your boss, post the word – “fail” after it.

If you respectfully agree to disagree, then so be it. I can accommodate a world where people still think the Earth is flat. And yes, we can still be friends. Does it mean I will respect you less for using LOL? Well don’t put the cart before the horse. You’re making the assumption that I respected you in the first place. (If it makes you more comfortable, insert a smiley face emoticon here.) I would bust your chops for dying your hair pink too, but a couple ridiculous choices don’t define the totality of your character. Pink hair and LOL are just bits of evidence in the overall picture. Hopefully you bring enough to the table to overcome those shortcomings.

Laugh out loud, guffaw, snort, and giggle all you want. Nobody is saying end humor. What I’m saying is end dismissive, meaningless filler. If your friend says something funny, that’s like ear candy. How about you return the favor by saying something substantive, instead of sending a lazy LOL, which is the verbal equivalent of a greasy terd in the mouth.

DJ BJ's Can't Miss Pick Up Lines 12

2009-12-18T00:47:00.008-05:00

I caught it. You cook it!

NOTE FROM THE EDITOR

Once again, veteran single man, DJ BJ shares some favorite pick up lines. Our apologies. These submissions do not represent the views of ADNW, nor are they guaranteed to actually work (nor keep you out of harms way). And, no ducks were harmed in the creation of this blog.

Here's your friggin Christmas present. Ten more pick up lines for you losers. And by the way, here's a note back to you editor people. That 100 pick up line label is starting to look stupid.

111) You’re hot enough to wear horizontal stripes. I got a sharpie. Strip down and let me show you.

112) So, what do I have to do to get you to send your ugly friend away?

113) If you’ll go out with me, I’d floss my teeth and trim my nose hair for you.

114) You’re in pretty good shape. Are you one of those chicks that run around in a sports bra? If so, when and where?

115) Your body is so smoking hot, I can’t even look you in the face.

116) Did I hear you say you popped out a kid? That’s impressive, cause you’re not fat or anything?

117) If you want to get with me tonight, my drunk friend says he’ll entertain your ugly friend.

118) How long is it going to take you to get drunk, cause I’ll just hang out with my friends until then?

119) You got some lint on your shirt. Hand it over, and I’ll clear that up for you.

120) You smell good. Are you available in scratch and sniff?

FUN WITH THE FASHION ILLITERATE 7

2009-12-15T08:19:00.006-05:00

FACIAL HAIR

THE UNKEMPT BEARD

To my glee, one particularly misguided experiment of youth, often on college campuses, is for guys to grow unkempt beards. Santa Claus, gold prospectors from the 1850’s, and Charles Manson can work the unkempt beard. But these baby-faced 19-year old dudes inadvertently look like a bearded lady.

THE SOUL PATCH

This little tuft of hair below the lip, as a stand-alone facial feature looks like a bullseye. It’s sort of like a sign – PUNCH FACE HERE.

MUTTON CHOPS

I think it’s great to be an Elvis fan. Go buy yourself a CD, some blue suede shoes and visit Graceland, but don’t sport the Mutton Chops. You’re going to look like a

A) Sweaty Frat guy.

B) Hitler Youth.

C) Guy that plans on never getting laid.

Soul patch pic courtesy - s11.bdbphotos.com; Mutton chops pic courtesy - christianfarmer.net

Wisdom from the Cubicle Jungle - 7

2009-12-10T22:06:00.002-05:00

31) Do not walk to a neighboring cubicle or office, when communicating via phone or email will suffice. It’s not just the exercise. Interpersonal skills are hard.

32) If it’s a convenient location, your cubicle is a perfectly reasonable place to hang out on days off. The casual attire and persistent web surfing will not only blend in with your neighbors, but passing supervisors probably won’t even notice you’re off duty.

33) When doing your on-line shopping, do not forget to accessorize. Seriously, what kind of idiot doesn’t pause to shop for matching shoes, handbag, and lingerie?

34) If your online purchase won’t be available for timely free delivery, you have no other choice but to call local stores. If this means you need to idly stay on hold for extensive parts of your workday, then so be it.

35) When in need of a minor medical procedure, obviously you’ll have to make that appointment by phone…while at your cube. The bonus is that the rest of the community gets to hear all about your pap smear, breast exam, or boil.

FUN WITH THE FASHION ILLITERATE 6

2009-12-06T23:18:00.005-05:00

HAIR 2 - THE MULLET

Is it my imagination, or does ‘Dog the Bounty Hunter’ have a World champion mullet (or mullet wig)? This is a guy who saw Donald Trump’s pelt and did not recoil in horror. Instead, Dog thought, “Man, I need to get me some signature hair.” Add ‘roids, shades, liberal leather, a few stereotypical tats and piercings, and Shazam - he’s a walking cliché. Well played, sir. I believe in the business world they call this sort of shameless self-promotion – “branding.” So, I suppose it works for him. Just don’t go freaking out with the fallout after his show is cancelled. Clearly, he’s the type of guy adept at steering into the skid. There are even odds in his next career he will:

A) Do a washed up reality ‘roids show with Hulk Hogan, Barry Bonds, and Jose Canseco. The shtick is they all try to win their way back into their former profession by competing in a series of ever more humiliating challenges (who has the biggest hat size, who has the lowest sperm count, who can’t fill up a jockstrap, who has the least amount of real hair). Naturally, the show would be hosted / refereed by Jerry Springer.

B) Pronounce himself Supreme Master General Dog of the Hawaiian Militia before leading a doomed march on Washington. Among his demands – spandex and whores.

C) Be on a stripper pole wearing assless chaps.

This angry Mullet Man is carrying a bag of whoop ass!

Setting aside “Dog the Uber-mullet,” the standard mullet (much like the fedora) is marginally acceptable one decade per century maximum. News flash – this isn’t the decade. Any dude that still has a mullet should be pitied to a degree. Dog’s mullet is like McDonald’s golden arches. So, at least he has an excuse. Otherwise, the present day mullet is an indication that the dude’s best years were in the 80’s. Nothing since has inspired the dude to let go of this hairdo he so lovingly nurtured in the rearview mirror of his Fiero and/or Iroc-Z, which he still keeps under a blanket in the front yard. What’s particularly funny to me about the modern mullet is you know these guys at some point need to visit a barber. I would love to hear the conversation as mullet man does his best dance around the term – mullet. I imagine something like this -

Barber: Barely suppressing a snorted laugh, “Joe Dirt! What can I do for you today?”

Joe: “Um, can you just trim it up a bit for me? (Under his breath) Go ahead and leave it long in the back.”

Barber: “Sure thing Gretzke. Business up front and party in the back, right?”

Joe: (Hanging head in defeat) “Ya, that’s right.”

Bottom line – the mullet is funny, and the fashion idiocy is self-evident. Any dude wearing one today equally deserves props and hazing.

Okay, I take it back. Here is the World champion mullet.

Special props to Rory for the Mullet dude pics.

Dog the bounty hunter pic courtesy - inyobusiness.com

FUN WITH THE FASHION ILLITERATE 5

2009-12-02T23:14:00.012-05:00

HAIR 1

Unless you can pull off bald or are career military, coif management is a particularly heinous slice of fashion. We struggle to overcome genetic and environmental inequities, some more than others, as we foolishly attempt a particular look we saw on TV (“I want the Rachel Green!”) Then just when you think you’re starting to figure your hairstyle out, fashion changes, your environment changes, your hair turns gray, or it all simply falls out. Some just admit defeat – Donald Trump for example (see more on “Shocking Celebrity Gossip” tab). And in real life, you frequently see folks that have failed to evolve, as evidenced by ancient bouffant hairdo, or a decades old Elvis look. The bottom line is who gives a crap if you’re happy with you, and have the self-esteem to handle awkward stares? Regardless, I still claim mocking rights. This fashion segment is about some favorite hair faux pas.

I promised Mike that I would refer to him as Pedro. Thanks for being a sport, Pedro! We'll give him a pass for this "fashion statement" that was in conjunction with a cancer awareness event (and he wanted to impress the ladies). Bravo Pedro. Bravo.

THE DYE JOB

To the delight of investors (not me) and the occasional cynic (me), international hair dye sales run in the billions of dollars. Among the purposes for hair dye is as perceived beauty aid or fashion statement (a.k.a. - you attend events called ‘Raves’ and/or use the term ‘Emo’ liberally). But aside from highlights and purple streaks, the real emphasis is age denier. It is well documented that men (who still have hair) get to use the word “distinguished.” Women, however, have it especially tough with the going gray thing, and the best remedies don’t tend to come cheaply or easily. Some individuals are more than capable of blending colors and creatively disguising gray, and then there are those this skill has tragically eluded. This is the point where the hair dye practice gets out of hand. To be brutally honest, the older I get the more terrifying I find people over 50 with no gray hair. My personal litmus test for a bad dye job is when at first glance I feel obligated to exclaim, “What the hell?” Some may find that reaction offensive, but it’s like the compulsion to slow down to gawk at a wreck.

One profound example, may he rest in peace, Billy Mays looked like someone took a Sharpie to his dome. And just recently I spotted a woman with an artificial red color that might best be described as - in the shade of disturbing. At some point, it’s time to go with what God gave you. Take it as your sign when small children stop to point at your hair color that somehow has come to closely match a bubblegum colored Crayola. Exception - you’re en route to Burning Man.

Billy Mays photo courtesy - www.pollsb.com

Trump photo courtesy – Moono.com

Something tells me not to piss this lady off

Wisdom from the Cubicle Jungle - 6

2009-11-29T22:50:00.002-05:00

26) If you absolutely must work on Friday, it’s time to take the gloves off. Go ahead and openly gossip about boys, girls, dating, or whatever random crap comes to mind. And, don’t spare the volume for your lengthy conversation about body shots, recreational drug use, and getting hammered. The more likely your cubicle neighbors are to blush, the better.

27) When you bother to begin a conversation with professional content, it is expected you will progress into gossip and opinions of reality show contestants. Don’t guard your volume either. The professional opening qualifies the entirety of the interaction as not throwing the lack of productivity in your boss’s teeth.

28) Phone intensive work is the lowest of all job duties and therefore it is not necessary nor encouraged to actually have any particular phone skills. Awkward introductions, poorly constructed discussion, no actual knowledge of the topic, and failing to say goodbye is standard practice.

29) As long as a lengthy phone conversation is accompanied only by quiet laughter, everyone will agree to pretend it’s work related. Furthermore, you won’t be judged when you conclude with, “I love you too!”

30) If you feel obligated to act slightly surreptitious with your personal conversations, texting is a brilliant option. Everyone will pretend nothing is happening when your phone audibly vibrates every 17 seconds.

Wisdom from the Cubicle Jungle - 5

2009-11-22T19:48:00.002-05:00

21) You’ll only miss the constant droning of the jungle loudmouth on a day when you’re audibly gassy.

22) The appropriate timeframe for cubicle junglemates to transition from first introduction into personal conversation (breakups, job dissatisfaction) is as long as it takes to execute that first introduction.

23) If forced to engage in phone conversation, you should indicate your impatience with the caller by inserting repeated “mm-hmm” filler at a staccato pace. If your tone of voice hasn’t already tipped the caller off that you’re bored with them, this will help.

24) After having an overly contentious phone conversation, it is acceptable to immediately repeat that conversation to a neighboring cube dweller - bonus points for adding minor embellishments and speaking at the same volume.

25) When your supervisor closes his/her paper-thin office door for a private conversation, that’s a cue to listen more intently.

FUN WITH THE FASHION ILLITERATE 4

2009-11-18T16:25:00.005-05:00

HATS 4 - VARIOUS

HOODIES

These are just fine in small doses – particularly when it’s cold out. Having the hood up is another matter. The hood up look is a swell sinister look for the “Unabomber” and the Grim Reaper. But when I see some kid hood up sitting in the library, or walking hood up through the mall, I’m not impressed with his ‘sinister-ness.’ Rather, I feel obligated to haze him. The awesome lack of peripheral vision and self-esteem is a prankster’s dream.

FEDORA

I dig the look. And, I really do wish it could fly in the present day. But, the only acceptable time to wear a fedora in the last 50 years has been as part of a Halloween costume. Sadly the fedora died with Sinatra, and I would anticipate it to regain social acceptability only about once a century.

TUQUE / STOCKING CAP

A wide variety of these can be fashionable and practical, which is an infrequent combo. But for clarification, it really should be worn when it’s cold. If that description is too vague, how about - if you’re wearing a t-shirt, you don’t need the tuque. Side note – skateboarders, it’s not much of a stand-in helmet either. Perhaps instead use, I don’t know, maybe a helmet?

LAYERED HEADGEAR

Examples - kerchief under your fedora / baseball hat

Unless it’s under your football helmet or you're in the Arctic, you get extra douchebag points. For some reason, the kerchief under baseball hat went from being ultra-gangsta to reminding me of Kevin Federline. And I think we can all agree (minus Kevin’s mom, maybe) that the carcass of “K-Fed’s” hip-ness lays adjacent Vanilla Ice. But if you insist on doing the layered hat look, you have my blessing. I could always use more funny pictures.

Obviously this one and the Beer box hat were done in fun. Always good to have a sense of humor.

Wisdom from the Cubicle Jungle - 4

2009-11-15T22:34:00.002-05:00

16) If you are tragically obligated to cap your lunch at just an hour (supposing your boss is a prude and actually paying attention), you can still overcome the misfortune. A clever cube dweller will spend “lunch” hour screwing around, and after that eat lunch casually at your desk (while on the clock and perhaps with a friend).

17) Because of frequent days off, it’s courteous to begin wishing coworkers a nice weekend as early as Wednesday.

18) If you get bored on your personal phone call, it’s perfectly acceptable to cruise a social networking site simultaneously. Coworkers will be more than impressed with your adept multi-nontasking, and your friend will probably never know.

19) When your boss isn’t in, it’s not a bad idea to chill out in his/her office. The real players will have a friend or friends join him/her and shut the door for more private revelry.

20) It’s polite to talk loudly on the phone. Ideally, you will help fellow cube mates camouflage their overly loud and inappropriate conversations.

FUN WITH THE FASHION ILLITERATE 3

2009-11-12T13:28:00.010-05:00

HATS 3 - VARIOUS

MAN HEAD SCARVES / MOLDED BANDANNA / KERCHIEF

With the obvious exception for medical conditions and religious observance, there are only a couple of excuses for wearing one of these. If you’re not actually on a Harley, adjacent to your Harley, at an establishment that caters to Harley guys with your Harley parked by the front door, or you’re perhaps wearing it under your football helmet, you look like a douchebag.

Wearing your man scarf on the subway is about as appropriate as wearing your prom dress to the swimming pool. And by the way, there’s probably a real Harley guy in your vicinity impatiently waiting for you to get mildly lippy so he can kick your ass.

This guy's just plain funny - we'll be seeing more of him

SWEAT BANDANNAS

You can wear a sweat bandanna if it helps keep the sweat out of your eyes, but don’t think it works off the basketball court. A good clue is if you’re wearing jeans, you should go ahead and keep the bandanna in your pocket.

Picture courtesy of Haloheadband, and yes the rest are funny too

GANGSTA LIDS – flat-billed baseball hats pulled low, sideways, backwards.

This look only works for a few people in a very small age range. And if you’re reading this, it’s not you. Hell, if you know someone that might have read this or discussed reading in general, it’s not you. The side effect, which is fun to observe, is you’re immediately the prime suspect wherever you go. Somebody threw something at someone – you probably did it. Somebody threw the first punch – you probably did it. Somebody might be shoplifting – you’re the guy security is watching. And by the way, there is a real “gangsta” somewhere in your vicinity that is impatiently waiting for you to get mildly lippy so he can kick your ass.

Got a problem with the headgear not matching the Walmart bag and Daiquiri

Orpheus 4 - Barstool Tour

2009-11-08T22:49:00.005-05:00

Concert Series!

BARSTOOL TOUR: Robert Earl Keen, Todd Snider & Bruce Robison

Websites:

www.robertearlkeen.com

www.toddsnider.net

www.brucerobison.com

Date: November 3, 2009

Location: Murat Egyptian Room, Indianapolis, IN

Bringing their own brand of Alternative Country, Folk and sweet humorous slice of Americana to a bar stool near you, these three singer songwriters gave this fan and 1000 others an evening full of hits and oddities typically seen on the streets of Austin, Texas. Trading off, one after the other, with stories from the road or playing each others tunes, it was three down to earth guys with their six strings and a true treat.

Robert Earl Keen, the talented Texan Songwriter, opens the show with Feelin’ Good Again followed by a string of his classics taking his fans on a 20 year tour of his accomplishments telling his stories the way only he can. Bruce Robinson took the stage next bringing us some of his hit songs recorded over the last 10 years by the likes of Tim McGraw, the Dixie Chicks and George Strait as well as his own, What Would Willie Do? Closing out the first set, Todd Snider comes to the stage in his typical barefoot way, to a standing O from the local fans who mostly know him for his humor and appearances on the syndicated Bob & Tom Show. Fair weathered or not these people came to have fun and Todd’s own blend of hits after 15 years of acclaimed songwriting left no fan disappointed.

For the second set, our barstool trio, pictured above, took the stage together taking requests from the audience and continuing their legendary portraits in song with the classics The Road Goes On Forever, That Buckin’ Song, and Beer Run the fans sang along bringing the show to its close as it was supposed to be; An intimate, fun filled, raucous, hilarious hell of a good o boy stomp!

Check out these tracks:

REK: That Buckin’ Song; Gringo Honeymoon; Feelin’ Good Again; The Road Goes On Forever

Todd Snider: Alright Guy; Talkin’ Seattle Grunge Rock Blues; Statisticians Blues; Beer Run

Bruce Robison: Wrapped; Travelin’ Soldier; Angry All The Time; What Would Willie Do?

Wisdom from the Cubicle Jungle - 3

2009-11-04T20:04:00.003-05:00

11) It is possible to get bored of facebook and youtube, so you must have a healthy set of back up websites to cruise (CNN, People, ESPN, ADNW). And just consider the bonus - you might just impress other cube dwellers with your diverse set of interests.

12) If you worry that your cubicle neighbor may not check your shared social-networking site in a reasonable amount of time, you should verbally tell him/her that you just posted a comment on his/her home page. Then if you still aren’t sure – ask again if he/she sees the comment, wait for the eagerly anticipated laughter, and discuss the content further in person.

13) The longest part of the day is when your screw-around partner leaves for a long lunch and you’re bored enough to do actual work.

14) Wear a lot of gaudy jewelry and jiggle it around with purpose when walking through the cube jungle.

15) If you’re a dude, maximize your creepy factor by slowing noticeably when passing a cute girl’s cube. Feel free to give her an extra careful look-over, while coyly tilting your head to gain particular notoriety.

Orpheus 3 - Silversun Pickups

2009-11-01T21:04:00.008-05:00

Concert Series!

Band:

Website: http://silversunpickups.com/

Date: October 27, 2009

Location: The Vogue Theatre, Broad Ripple, IN

Since the release of Carnavas in 2006, SSUP has brought their distinctive mix of Shoegaze melodies and mesmerizing Alternative fuzz guitar sounds center stage. With the release of their second full length LP, Swoon, earlier this year the band’s guitarist and lead vocalist, Brian Aubert, describes their progression with the following statement, "some songs are very quiet and delicate, [while] others are just f*cking loud." Debuting at #7 the album does not disappoint.

Based out of the Silver Lake area of Los Angeles, a center for the indie rock scene in Hollywood and LA, and home for such acts as Beck, Elliott Smith, Pavement, Jane’s Addiction and Red Hot Chili Peppers, the Pickups took their name from a store front at the corner or Sunset and Silver Lake Blvd. The band often says the name is more of “a state of mind.” Formed from neighborhood friends of friends, the current lineup is comprised of Aubert (guitar/vocals), Nikki Monninger (bass/vocals), Joe Lester (keyboards) and Christopher Guanlao(drums). SSPU recognize that their sound is rooted in the community in which they originated.

A special note to remember to get a good view of Chris Guanlao when seeing Silversun Pickups live, as a driving force behind the scene he makes a show of it!

Check out these tracks:

Future Foe Scenarios
Well Thought Out Twinkles
Panic Room
Substitution
There’s No Secrets This Year
Lazy Eye

FUN WITH THE FASHION ILLITERATE 2

2009-10-28T22:29:00.020-04:00

HATS 2 - I WANNA BE A COWBOY

GOOD BAD

There are a few constants in this world. One is that the guy you catch wearing a cowboy hat, probably wants to talk to you. And there’s nothing wrong with that. Gregarious and Southern accents seem to go well together. But as far as wearing a cowboy hat in public, it only works at a few venues – a ranch, a Halloween party, near a ranch, and near a Halloween party. Okay, I’m also willing to look the other way if you’re at a Garth Brooks concert. But otherwise, you look silly. And to answer your next question, no, I’m not going to say it to your face. Because if you’re willing to wear a cowboy hat in public, there’s even odds you have a matching gun rack on your F150. And I think I read somewhere that the better part of valor is anonymity (pardon the poetic license).

GOOD

8-year olds want to play cowboy. Then most of us grow out of it. Instinctively you begin to recognize that chaps, spurs, and leather vests are a bad look for an adult. Check that – it’s a bad look for a dude. Chicks tend to look pretty good in all of above, but that’s straying off point. For clarification, there’s nothing wrong with owning a cowboy hat. I would even go on the record as saying every American should own a cowboy hat. It’s part of our heritage and why not stimulate the economy? Just keep it in the closet with your spandex and parachute pants. There’s a time and a place. And if you have difficulty distinguishing the time and place, just go ahead and assume it’s not now.

BAD

On a side note, cowboy hats have to be one of the least practical items to travel with, unless you’re riding a horse. You essentially can’t wear it in a seat with a back. (If you can’t get a grip on the visual, try lounging on your couch with a baseball hat on backwards.) So unless you want to keep it in your lap, you pretty much have to find it a seat of its own.

GOOD Whatever, it's Santa.

Wisdom from the Cubicle Jungle - 2

2009-10-25T19:21:00.002-04:00

6) If you intend to have a conversation about politics, child rearing, or the evils of technology, it is NOT necessary to keep your voice down. It is perfectly acceptable to have these potentially inflammatory conversations at maximum volume.

7) If you find something particularly salacious while cruising the web, it's best to share it with the person in the neighboring cubicle. After all, you'll need someone to launch into a long and detailed conversation with about the inappropriate content.

8) When having regularly scheduled personal conversations, why shout from one cubicle to the other, when you can just go sit in the same cubicle together?

9) If you choose to wear flip-flops to work, it's best to walk quickly. It may be particularly noisy and draw attention to your casual footwear, but you'll be through the area so quickly, that people with bad necks may not necessarily be able to identify you.

10) If you are in the sightline of your supervisor and just can’t get enough down time worked into your schedule, take very frequent bathroom breaks. That way, you at least get to go look around, see what others are up to, and take a refreshing walk.