FUN WITH THE FASHION ILLITERATE 2

HATS 2 - I WANNA BE A COWBOY

GOOD BAD

There are a few constants in this world. One is that the guy you catch wearing a cowboy hat, probably wants to talk to you. And there’s nothing wrong with that. Gregarious and Southern accents seem to go well together. But as far as wearing a cowboy hat in public, it only works at a few venues – a ranch, a Halloween party, near a ranch, and near a Halloween party. Okay, I’m also willing to look the other way if you’re at a Garth Brooks concert. But otherwise, you look silly. And to answer your next question, no, I’m not going to say it to your face. Because if you’re willing to wear a cowboy hat in public, there’s even odds you have a matching gun rack on your F150. And I think I read somewhere that the better part of valor is anonymity (pardon the poetic license).

GOOD

8-year olds want to play cowboy. Then most of us grow out of it. Instinctively you begin to recognize that chaps, spurs, and leather vests are a bad look for an adult. Check that – it’s a bad look for a dude. Chicks tend to look pretty good in all of above, but that’s straying off point. For clarification, there’s nothing wrong with owning a cowboy hat. I would even go on the record as saying every American should own a cowboy hat. It’s part of our heritage and why not stimulate the economy? Just keep it in the closet with your spandex and parachute pants. There’s a time and a place. And if you have difficulty distinguishing the time and place, just go ahead and assume it’s not now.

BAD

On a side note, cowboy hats have to be one of the least practical items to travel with, unless you’re riding a horse. You essentially can’t wear it in a seat with a back. (If you can’t get a grip on the visual, try lounging on your couch with a baseball hat on backwards.) So unless you want to keep it in your lap, you pretty much have to find it a seat of its own.

GOOD Whatever, it's Santa.

Wisdom from the Cubicle Jungle - 2

Businesses have assorted justifications for work cubicles – brainstorm area, space savings, inexpensive production, social accountability, etc. Physically, the cube is a slightly modified version of an elementary school desk. And this description comfortably fits the hierarchical intent and ensuing behavior. The cube dwellers are the incorrigible third graders, and the neighboring office dwellers are the real adults. Born from the careful observations of a novice cube dweller, this series is an attempt to identify the complex rules of the cubicle jungle. Don’t be alarmed if some rules seem contradictory.

6) If you intend to have a conversation about politics, child rearing, or the evils of technology, it is NOT necessary to keep your voice down. It is perfectly acceptable to have these potentially inflammatory conversations at maximum volume.

7) If you find something particularly salacious while cruising the web, it's best to share it with the person in the neighboring cubicle. After all, you'll need someone to launch into a long and detailed conversation with about the inappropriate content.

8) When having regularly scheduled personal conversations, why shout from one cubicle to the other, when you can just go sit in the same cubicle together?

9) If you choose to wear flip-flops to work, it's best to walk quickly. It may be particularly noisy and draw attention to your casual footwear, but you'll be through the area so quickly, that people with bad necks may not necessarily be able to identify you.

10) If you are in the sightline of your supervisor and just can’t get enough down time worked into your schedule, take very frequent bathroom breaks. That way, you at least get to go look around, see what others are up to, and take a refreshing walk.

FUN WITH THE FASHION ILLITERATE 1

Follow the eyes of the kid in the bottom left of the picture. I interpret the look as, "Really?"

Intro

As evidenced by my habit of wearing “mandals” with long shorts and plain black T, I have pretty low fashion standards. I keep my hair short, don’t accessorize, and I rarely deviate from the 4 basic fashion food groups – blue jeans, tan shorts, white and black whatever. Partly this is because I don’t care and partly because I have made my mistakes. Now, when I occasionally divert from my nondescript formula, there are still days I come home, look in the mirror and think, “My loved ones let me out of the house like this?” I would happily admit I am no fashion authority, nor enthusiast. But I do know what I think is funny. The following series will openly expose my ignorance and hypocrisy as I criticize anything I deem remotely fashion funny.

HATS 1 - VISOR GUY

An adult male wearing a visor is about as attractive as a morbidly obese, ex-offensive lineman wearing a half-shirt that exposes weeping bedsores. The only times you tend to see a visor is on guys that put a lot of money into items hair stylists refer to as “product.” Therefore, the visor is frequently accompanied by highlights and a lot of hair fondling. Envision a woman that flirtatiously runs her fingers through her hair, strategically flipping her head to let the long hair whip ever so coyly. Visor Guy is the male version of this, and he’s not above a hair flip or flick. A man wearing a visor is saying in no uncertain terms, “Oh, looky, looky, looky at my pretty, pretty hair!”

Personally, I blame John Gruden for setting masculinity back decades by pacing the sidelines in his staple visor. Men from all walks of life got the impression that it was acceptable. I can’t help likening the resulting epidemic to a bunch of idiots wearing single gloves in the 80’s. Let’s set the record straight here – it doesn’t work. And if you’re so opposed to wearing a real hat, whatever the type, I have two words for you – sunblock and shades. Sunblock and shades my friend.

I can't even begin to tell you what this guy was thinking. He's like the poster boy of bad headgear decisions. What I can tell you is that I almost sprained my ass trying to get the camera out in time.

From the Dr. Love Files – 2.4

And then there's team back shaving

Dr. Love’s Date Idea Playbook - Episode 4 (Physical Dates)

So your date needs to have a little more substance than mind games and fluff. Try these ideas sure to get you just the action you’ve been hoping for.

Slap Shot – Get on thin ice? Okay a different form of ice. Depending on the weather, head to the nearest ice-skating rink. It’s a perfect excuse to hold hands and “accidentally” fall on top of each other. Grab a cup of hot cocoa and cozy up to each other for warmth. If the ice frightens you too much then try the local roller rink. As long as you don’t mind being the oldest couple there who aren’t celebrating a 10 year olds birthday, it’s a great way to practice your Xanadu moves. Don’t forget the couples skate!

A Bicycle Built for Two – Feeling adventurous? Grab your mountain bikes and head to the nearest State Park to ride the trails. Maybe even rent a tandem bike so you can make him do all the work…Pack a picnic in those backpacks, something refreshing to drink and a blanket for that secluded stop where you can hear only the leaves falling from the trees. Don’t forget the bug spray.

A Stroll in the Woods - Did someone say hiking boots? So bikes aren’t your thing. That’s okay because hiking the wilderness on your own two feet can be just as fun. Explore nature’s beauty at one of America’s National Parks, stroll one of its many beaches, or if you’re comfortable with a compass wander out on your own. If you or your girl has a dog, why not bring it along. Showering ‘Rover’ with affection also won’t hurt your game.

Maritime Fun – Strip down or suit up for some water sports like wind surfing, white water rafting, kayaking, wakeboarding, or rent a Jet Ski. The adrenaline alone will produce so much flirting and innuendo; you’ll both have your motors running. And you know you’ve been waiting to see her in that bikini… If a more intimate alternative is what you seek, take a nice calm canoe showing off your man power, stopping along the bank for private dance. *ADNW promotes that proper oceanic and other water safety rules be followed at all times.

Break Out Your Neck-Car Game – Who doesn’t like to drive fast and dress like Dale Earnhardt Jr.? Check out your local Go-Kart facility, tracks can be indoor and outdoor and all the safety equipment is included. With speed limits in the 40mph range you might not win the Daytona 500 but the rush will leave you wanting more. Place a wager on the outcome and put the peddle to the metal.

Okay, we felt bad about that first photo. Now can we be friends again?

Wisdom from the Cubicle Jungle - 1

Businesses have assorted justifications for work cubicles – brainstorm area, space savings, inexpensive production, social accountability, etc. Physically, the cube is a slightly modified version of an elementary school desk. And this description comfortably fits the hierarchical intent and ensuing behavior. The cube dwellers are the incorrigible third graders, and the neighboring office dwellers are the real adults. Born from the careful observations of a novice cube dweller, this series is an attempt to identify the complex rules of the cubicle jungle. Don’t be alarmed if some rules seem contradictory.

1) If you plan to spend an exorbitant amount of time cruising facebook and youtube, it's a good idea to have an actual work screen available that you can quickly flash to if you think your boss might be approaching.

2) Being especially attentive to approaching footsteps is not necessary. Much like the 5-second rule for food, as long as someone approaching can only see your zany youtube video for 5 seconds or less, it didn't really happen.

3) If other higher level employees (including your bosses superiors) are looking over your shoulder, it is not at all necessary to disguise your lack of productivity. Just keep scrolling through those party pictures from last weekend.

4) When you are actually attempting to have a non-work related conversation, it is preferable to lower your voice to avoid attracting attention to the fact that you're screwing around. No one will really recognize that the constant giggling is not due to something job related.

5) If you have to read a newspaper article while killing time at another person's cubicle, it is best to read it out loud.

Orpheus 2 - The Walkmen

Concert Series!

Band: The Walkmen

Website: www.marcata.net/walkmen

Date: October 5, 2009

Location: The Vogue Theatre, Broad Ripple, IN

Formed in 2000, The Walkmen call New York home these days, but are originally from the Washington D.C. area. Band mates, Walter Martin, Hamilton Leithauser, Paul Marron, Peter Bauer and Matt Barrick, have played together and known each other since grade school and this shows in their live shows. The band makes a point to set themselves apart from other Indie New York rockers, by experimenting with recording techniques and with traditional classic rock instruments such as an upright piano. Coupled with Martin’s unique vocals and a conscious effort to be different the other indie garage bands of their day, The Walkmen are a definite not to miss gig.

With 5 albums and one on the way in 2010, they continue to impress with their range of style. This past year Pitchfork named “The Rat” #20 on its list of the 500 Top Tracks of the 2000’s. Previously, critics have compared their work to U2, Pixies, Television and The Strokes. Saturn jumped in a few years back and placed “We’ve Been Had” in a commercial. True to The Walkmen ways of being different, they took on the full album cover of Harry Nilsson & John Lennon’s 1974 Pussy Cats (Starring the Walkmen) in late 2006.

After seeing these guys four times, it’s always new and fresh. I caught them on their last show of the current tour and I was not disappointed.

Check out these tracks:

1. We’ve Been Had
2. Louisiana
3. In The New Year
4. Another One Goes By
5. The Rat

BASEBALL FAN ETIQUETTE 10

Hold up kids, not umbrellas.

HOORAY FOR ME

Mike Krukow (brilliant Giants broadcaster and former pitcher) once colorfully described ballpark umbrella usage with the phrase, “Hooray for me.” I couldn’t agree more. I’m happy for you to stay dry, but unless you happen to own an invisible umbrella wouldn’t it also be nice to let the folks behind you watch the game? If you need to stay dry that badly, just drag your selfish ass to the concourse. Get a pretzel, a beer and casually talk on your cell phone for 3 or 4 innings. Yes, you might miss some action (as if you were watching). But better you than the gamer behind you sporting a team poncho.

It’s the same principle when holding up a sign or wearing some type of stupid-ass tall hat. And don’t think for a minute I’m fooled into believing that sign you awkwardly inserted ESPN into (sEnd the Sox Party Nuts!) is about supporting your team. It’s about you getting on TV. Consider, at least for a moment, developing some modicum of empathy for your fellow man. You know – Golden Rule type stuff. And just for clarity, here’s how that works – when at the park, would you prefer to see the game, or have a big wall dropped in front of you? If your answer is you’d like to see the field, then don’t put a huge sign in someone else’s face.

Finally, inflated or not it’s your choice, you can shove that beachball up your ass. I’m a huge proponent of growing the game by putting butts in the seats, but here’s a clue. If you’re leaving home thinking to yourself, “gosh, how can I spice up the ballgame” and the answer you come up with is – beachball. Then, maybe you don’t need to go to the game. Go to the beach dumbass! Yes, Dodger fan, if you look in the general direction of that grassy surface that your seat is facing, you’ll notice a bunch of dudes wearing uniforms. That’s the entertainment. That’s why people go to games, with the primary purpose of…(wait for it)…WATCHING THE GAME! Give it a try Dodger fan. Instead of the comedic view of your head bobbing up and down while following the beachball, maybe glance out at that left fielder with the pretty hair. You might see a baseball bounce off his head and over the fence. Now that’s entertainment.

Orpheus 1 - Kings Of Leon

INTRODUCING ORPHEUS OF INDIEOPOLIS (OoIo)

From Mythology came epic stories of gods, goddesses, legendary heroes, creatures, villains, and monumental places. Out of this folklore was born the Greek figure, Orpheus. He was the “father of songs” and chief among poets and musicians. This keeper of the lyre and son of the Muse Calliope protected Jason and the Argonauts from the Sirens, with his beautifully drowning songs. It is said that Orpheus was the only man ever to return from Hades, having softened the god’s hearts with his music.

ADNW researchers have at long last found a prodigy of Orpheus, legendary in his own right, and musically gifted. We happily share his genius by giving you 21^st Century scenesters all the indie music genre B.S. they can take! You’ll hear about new bands, cools songs, concert and album reviews, what’s hot, what’s not, music history and everything else your little Emo hearts desire. So, tie up your Chuck’s, ease the seat back, let it be, open your eyes look up to the skies and see…this ain’t your mom and dad’s AC/DC!

ORPHEUS 1 - KINGS OF LEON

Concert Series!

Band: KOL / Kings of Leon

Website: http://www.kingsofleon.com

Date: September 25, 2009

Location: Verizon Wireless Music Center, Noblesville IN

One of America’s hottest bands right now, the Kings of Leon, rocked a rain and mud soaked crowd this past Friday night. Bolstering the largest crowd they have played for outside of a festival, the set included almost every song from the Band’s newest release, Only By The Night, as well as great mix of past hits. The new album, this writer’s favorite release of 2008, has catapulted KOL to new levels of success and was named Album of the Year by many in the industry, being their first platinum album in the U.S., as well as dominating the Billboard Hot Modern Rock chart for most of the past year.

The band made up of three brothers, Caleb, Nathan and Jared and a cousin, Matthew, the Followill’s combine their own unique blend of southern and garage rock, with alternative melodies and sharp guitar licks. From Tennessee and the son’s of a preacher man, they named their band Kings of Leon after their father, Ivan “Leon” Followill. It is said that Caleb and Nathan “kidnapped” their cousin, Matthew in order for him to join the band and roped in their little brother Jared into play bass, just a freshman at the time they signed with RCA.

First gaining notoriety in Britain, “the all American long haired rockers” (The Times) have gained critical acclaim via the Brit Awards, NME, Rolling Stone, and Pitchfork ultimately winning a Grammy Award this year for the song “Sex on Fire.” With this latest album, and the singles “Sex…,” “Use Somebody,” “Notion,” “Revelry,” and “Be Somebody” the band has cemented their name in the echelon of the best rock bands in the past ten years.

Check out these tracks and albums:

1. Red Morning Light
2. The Bucket
3. On Call
4. My Party
5. Use Somebody
6. Notion
7. Revelry
8. Sex On Fire

BASEBALL FAN ETIQUETTE 9

This is not a test

FOUL BALLS – Part 2

Heads Up! – I had the pleasure this season of catching a game from seats not far off of 1^st base. It was clearly a section where the signs warning to beware of batted balls seriously applied. In one of those “God has a sense of humor” moments, a patron entered late, sat down about 4 rows ahead of me, and while not watching the game started piddling with his fresh pretzel and beer. Like the conclusion of every America’s Funniest Home Video I’ve ever seen, the next ball loops into my section and thumped home on his lap. From my vantage point, all I saw was beer flying, but moments later my section mates and I learned his twins had temporarily become triplets. This was the quintessential “foul ball” that the dude managed to catch with his pills, and it just sat there. No rebound, nobody diving under the seats. Happily, for the price of a couple of distressed gonads and a beer, he got the souvenir, a bag of ice, and a memorable lesson. Watch the game! They don’t issue helmets and cups for fans. Regardless of how it plays on Youtube, there’s nothing more sobering than watching a fellow fan get wheeled out on a stretcher.

There's a chorus you hear at the park over and over again. Here! Here! Here! Not only is it beyond obnoxious, this symphony of whiny voices reminds me of the idiot seagulls from Finding Nemo – “Mine. Mine. Mine. Mine. Mine.” As an adult, you just can’t go begging the ball girl for the slow grounder she just cleared from the field. It’s not quite John Wayne suave to tell your bros about how you caught a discarded ball over the 12-year old a row in front of you. And you sure as hell don’t need to be begging for the ball with the seagull kids. Matter of fact - you even lose credibility by association if it’s your 12-year old kid begging. Maybe teach the kid to have a modicum of personal pride? For the ball girls/dudes of the world, I propose a reward system based less off of persistence and more off of merit. Give the foul ball to the kid sitting in the cheap seats shouting stats, while wearing a home jersey or cap.

It’s great to bring your glove. That’s a gamer move. But unless you're 4 years old or intend to get an autograph, make sure you’re not sitting 700 feet away. That’s amateur hour.

If you’re not at Wrigley Field, don’t bother throwing a homerun ball back. Keep the damn souvenir or hand it off to a fan and don’t interrupt the game.