Life through a different lens

Thursday, July 30, 2009

SHOCKING CELEBRITY GOSSIP 7

ADNW welcomes you to the 7th issue of Shocking Celebrity Gossip! We're bold enough to bring you the stuff that celebrities bribe tabloids and news outlets not to tell you. Enjoy!

We have been advised by counsel that due to a preponderance of morons, we should post this disclaimer: The following information may not necessarily be based upon fact, nor is it exclusively regarding actual celebrities.
PS – suck it Perez Hilton.


Oprah - has a stand in?

Many critics have voraciously panned Oprah’s 2009 version of the Thulsa Doom hairstyle. (Of course, Thulsa Doom is James Earl Jones character from Conan The Barbarian). Come to your own conclusion, but these same detractors have even dared to visit the realm of conspiracy theory. They report that the similarity is more than coincidence and that in fact Oprah has used actor James Earl Jones as a surreptitious stand-in. Evidence cited by these Oprah “connoisseurs” includes physical resemblance, alleged editing magic, and financial realities.

The suggestion of physical resemblance borders on malicious, as they indicate a heavier Oprah has a remarkably similar body and facial structure. Oprah proponents have fired back claiming this assertion is synonymous with a “they all look alike” statement, which is evidence only of blatant bigotry.

The undeterred conspiracy theorists then indicate editing magic. Clearly Hollywood has mastered the art of the makeover, and certainly Oprah’s people are privy to these techniques. It’s doubtful, however, that there’s enough pancake makeup in the Windy City to transform the elder Jones into Winfrey. But, the theorist’s weakly counter this shortcoming by citing advances in post-production editing technology. Furthermore, given Oprah’s relatively deeper voice, they point out that only a very plausible vocal edit is necessary. A particularly troubling weakness in these assertions is the live audience. Conspiracy theorists wave off this concern by insisting that Oprah’s followers are so blind to reality, that they’d believe Tom Cruise was Oprah if he walked onto stage and sat confidently in her seat.

Conspiracy theorists arguably have an Anti-Oprah agenda. However, perhaps the one truly compelling argument for some type of replacement Oprah is the financial stature of the mega-star. She obviously doesn’t need to make another dime from live talk-show appearances. The show is only a vehicle to continually reinforce her moneymaking brand name. (And clearly, the use of guest hosts has been irreparably damaged by Joan Rivers doing The Tonight Show in place of Johnny Carson). It would be no great surprise for Oprah to take advantage of her mega-wealth by inventing some covert time off now and again. It’s questionable, though, that James Earl Jones has any part in that.

Oprah photo thanks to huffingtonpost.com
James Earl Jones photo thanks to thecimmerian.com

Sunday, July 26, 2009

From the Dr. Love Files -1.9


Fallacy 8 – Dumped; Like a hobo on a hot ham and cheese!

We’ve all been there before; you think things are going great, the sex, the endless conversation, the good times day and night and then the relationship tanks. You can ask yourself what happened and beat yourself up for something you think you did wrong, but the truth just might be that nothing happened. Here are five fairly meaningless reasons why that guy of your dreams kicked you to the curb.

1. We are “in like” with you – Let’s face it, sometimes it’s not real love and it’s probably the most real reason we run away. The minute we know you’re not the one it gets harder to invest in something we known eventually comes to an end. As we find out that you are way more into us than we are into you, the guilt of continuing when you deserve someone who’s into you just as much takes over.
2. The king of worst-case scenario’s - Think ladies before you speak because every time you chastise us, without ever taking a breath, for being late or not doing the right thing we are filing this away in our worst-case mental handbook. As the relationship grows and there is less sex and more trips for rocky road ice cream, we become enlightened of the future and what can go wrong in the long run. We blame our married friends who tell it like it is…
3. ‘The Player’ still persists – Guys are always wondering if this is as good as it gets? Is the grass always greener? Can we upgrade? (I know…ouch!) You also have all our other buds we’re trying to stay one step ahead of working against you. We might feel we’ll have another notch in the bed post to achieve until one day when we grow up and the checklist is complete. Until then, flight or fight is a real possibility.
4. The clock has lost its timing – Mr. Right has arrived and women get serious. Men really only get serious with whomever we happen to be dating at the time. That or once we’ve got our own life in order. What this means is if any part of our lives is in turmoil; school, work, car, friends, family, the timing could be all wrong. Speaking for the Dr Love School of Settling Down, a guy could date a girl for 2 years, break up for being too serious and 8 months later, be looking at engagement rings with the woman of his dreams.
5. We might just be too into you – Good news, it’s not all death and destruction. Guys are notorious for the preemptive strike and in order to protect our emotions (frankly, were just as scared to get hurt as you are) we’ll pull the plug as part of natural self-preservation. Let’s face it, most the time you have the power (and the mommy-parts) and when it comes to heartbreak or vulnerability we’ll run like the wind.

Body Part of the Week


Picture perfect super hot long hair; whether straight or curly, wet or dry, done up right or all natural right out of bed look, it’s flowing in the wind and we love it! Now, I know you short haired beauties have spunk, we like that too. But the truth is there’s just something about spooning with a mouth full of brunette, auburn or blonde locks and leaves the aroma of rosemary, lilac, strawberry, apple, pear, peach, vanilla (you get my point) lingering on the pillow long after you’ve gone that keeps us right were you want us.

Friday, July 24, 2009

BATHROOM ETIQUETTE 2.2

RULE 2 FOR HOME – MAKE IT USER FRIENDLY

For most of us mortals, our bathrooms are relatively modest. They are small and located in various places, some awkward and some not. Your crapper might be in a hidden corner, right in the middle of the house, or even between the kitchen and front door. Some of us have as many as 3-4 bathrooms, and many have as few as one. Because of these random variables, there are some important logistics to consider regarding making your crapper user-friendly.

First of all, when you have non-residents over consider sound control. If you serve your dinner guests a bowl full of beans, salsa and fried whatever, there’s going to be some consequences. When your dinner victims inevitably have to relieve some of that pressure, you don’t want to be sitting 5 feet away having a deep conversation and hear every juicy explosion. Obviously, you can’t practically soundproof your crapper. But, you can at least provide some background music, perhaps put some purposeful distance between the other guests and the shitter. Regardless, consider some type of adaptation to help offset that inevitably embarrassing moment.

Smell control is the same principle. If you’re going to have a party or even just a few friends over, light a candle directly in the bathroom. It’s a small investment and there is the slight chance that a drunken in-law might light himself on fire. But, it sure as hell beats the unceremonious sound of aerosol hissing after a curiously long trip to the can.

Otherwise, if your intention is to humiliate friends or make your guests exit immediately after milk and cookies, this is a great area to ignore.

Sunday, July 19, 2009

DJ BJ's Can't Miss Pick Up Lines 9

Ladies and Gentlemen, put your hands together for Lacey on the world's largest stripper pole. On deck - Essence.

A NOTE FROM THE EDITOR

Once again, veteran single man, DJ BJ shares some favorite pick up lines. Our apologies. These submissions do not represent the views of ADNW, nor are they guaranteed to actually work (nor keep you out of harms way).


Here's the ninth set. Soak it in.

81) Hey, how about you undo a button and give me a jump-start on mentally undressing you?
82) I suspect you’re being a bitch because it’s that time of the month. And for the record, I’m cool with that.
83) Hey, I heard you ask your friend, “What’s up?” With how good you look, I got a great answer for you.
84) (Requires some degree of discretion). Your boyfriend seems to be a real go-getter. He puts the “do” in douchebag.
85) Your boyfriend is like one of those natural juice drinks. He’s full of fruit.
86) Why don’t you give me your email address, because I’d like to put something in your in-box.
87) You heard the phrase, “The smeller’s the feller?” Well, I’m going to prove I’m your guy by giving you a good sniff.
88) Your boyfriend is ugly - time for you to start considering me as a sperm donor.
89) I dig chicks that can handle a musical instrument. How about you play my skin flute.
90) I believe a hot chick like you deserves the red carpet treatment. So, I dyed my pubes red.

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

SHOCKING CELEBRITY GOSSIP 6

ADNW welcomes you to the 6th issue of Shocking Celebrity Gossip! We're bold enough to bring you the stuff that celebrities bribe tabloids and news outlets not to tell you. Enjoy!

We have been advised by counsel that due to a preponderance of morons, we should post this disclaimer: The following information may not necessarily be based upon fact, nor is it exclusively regarding actual celebrities.
PS – suck it Perez Hilton.


Sylvester Stallone
– has a super sized head. Granted, it’s obvious by looking at him that his melon is freakishly disproportionate. Thanks to some occasional cinematic magic (lens work, angles, editing), his cranium size becomes less apparent in the movies, as any fan of Patrick Swayze and Mel Gibson will note. However, it’s genuinely surprising just how gargantuan it actually is. For frame of reference, the hat (fedora style) he wore in Rocky actually had to be specially crafted from the material of two regular sized hats. And although the point may be viewed by some as a source of amusement, this actuality is a mounting health concern for Stallone. Part of the reason he bulked up prior to the Rocky and Rambo movies was so his frame would better support his extraordinarily bulky noggin. And as Stallone ages, it is becoming increasingly difficult for him to support it independently. Consequently, he is wracked with bouts of severe neck and spinal pain. Since his growing dependence on neck braces limits his public exposure, his manager is currently soliciting innovative neck brace designs from a diverse field of contenders, ranging from NASA to Under Armour. In coming years, look for some light and surprisingly fashionable neck support to be released to the public.

image thanks to hitdawall.wordpress.com

Sunday, July 12, 2009

From the Dr. Love Files -1.8

Sure he's acting all casual, but you know what he's thinking when Mr. Clinton fires up a cigar.

Fallacy 7 – Ladies, 10 things he’s thinking when you’re naked, or not!

1. Drinks? Check. Tic-Tac? Check. Pre-date safety orgasm? Check.
2. Who is Big Bill Hickok? And what is his name doing there?
3. Please don’t put on the baggy T-shirt…please!
4. Hmmm…are these sheets clean?
5. I kinda don’t care that they’re fake.
6. Focus on her eyes, on her eyes, on her…just forget it!
7. Suck in my gut, suck in my gut, suck in…oh forget it!
8. That webcam didn’t even begin to do her justice.
9. True blonde, perfect!
10. Very interesting, another nipple shape for my mental collection.

Body Part of the Week

I never gave much thought to how talented the tongue really is. Maybe, I took my own gift of tongue for granted, many a conversation behind my back later, and not for just your enjoyment, ladies. The tongue (the strongest muscle in the body – sorry fellas) is used to manipulate food for chewing and swallowing. But did you know your tongue has its own unique “tongue print” and holds 90% of your taste buds? Or that, speech would be virtually impossible without it? Then there’s the tongue rolling parlor tricks and modifications and piercings dating back to ancient cultures. In pop culture it spawned a legacy and made many, even me a fan of the king of all tongues, The Demon; yes Gene Simmons of the “greatest band in the land”…Kiss. Now, I know how tantalizing the thought of this seductive instrument can be, so use it right and enjoy.

Wednesday, July 8, 2009

SHOCKING CELEBRITY GOSSIP 5

ADNW welcomes you to the 5th issue of Shocking Celebrity Gossip! We're bold enough to bring you the stuff that celebrities bribe tabloids and news outlets not to tell you. Enjoy!

We have been advised by counsel that due to a preponderance of morons, we should post this disclaimer: The following information may not necessarily be based upon fact, nor is it exclusively regarding the celebrities you are familiar with.
PS – suck it Perez Hilton.

Spencer and Heidi Pratt (Speidi) are the next Fred Astaire and Ginger Rogers. They may convincingly portray themselves as villains on "The Hills" and "I am a Celebrity Get Me Out of Here," but Spencer (real name Wellington Brock Howard III) and Heidi (real name Brandi Missy Malone) are the next great dance duo, since Fred and Ginger. Wellington, who really grew up in Nantucket, MA, won dance contests since he was 4. A family member who spoke on the condition of anonymity shared this, "While other kids were playing and watching sports, we couldn't get Wellington away from the tube. He’d watch Wizard of Oz, Fame, and Footloose hour after hour. That is how passionate he is about dancing." Heidi grew up in West Virginia and came from a different road. Raised in a trailer park, her daddy worked the coalmines. She overcame a rough childhood (which cruelly included chores) to become the talent we see today. The pair is genuinely in love and this amazing team craves the spotlight. Heidi who was a little shaken up, shared this off the record, "Damn it! All I want to do is dance and they just give me these crappy roles." You have to love this passion.

picture thanks to hollywoodgossip.com
props to Weinstein for the contribution

Wednesday, July 1, 2009

SHOCKING CELEBRITY GOSSIP 4

ADNW welcomes you to the 4th issue of Shocking Celebrity Gossip! We're bold enough to bring you the stuff that celebrities bribe tabloids and news outlets not to tell you. Enjoy!

We have been advised by counsel that due to a preponderance of morons, we should post this disclaimer: The following information may not necessarily be based upon fact, nor is it exclusively regarding the celebrities you are familiar with.
PS – suck it Perez Hilton.

Ryan Seacrest - had his name changed from Ryan C. Cleft at age 10, when his family moved to LA from Fresno, where he suffered constant beatings at the hands of neighborhood girls. At the age of 17, he was discovered as a DJ at LA hot spot “The Knuckle Strobe,” after a break-dance off with Ricky Martin, who later referred Ryan to his agent. Although he may look short on television, by Hollywood standards he’s a statuesque 4’11. Interestingly, he has never envied taller people and actually has been known on occasion to wish aloud that he were born smaller (due to reasons that will become apparent in a moment). Ryan has an extensive Barbie Doll collection, which he displays proudly in his lavish home. He bids heavily on acquiring all things Barbie (via auctions, flea markets, websites) to feed his addiction. At all times, Seacrest is known to carry some type of Barbie trophy (item of clothing, toy, or accessory). This also explains his look. A well-known celebrity psychologist let it slip that Seacrest has a Ken Doll fixation and believes that Barbie is his ideal mate. His personal wardrobe perfectly reflects the Ken look, and he even keeps himself completely hairless below the neck (partially due to genetics, partially from laser treatment). His obsession even goes as far as to frequently make himself appear anatomically incorrect with some inventive tucking, taping, and bandaging. Furthermore, he stalks the Barbie-esque Jessica Simpson religiously. He follows her from show to show, into clubs, bathrooms, and appointments. Fortunately, she finds it cute, because he appears relatively unthreatening compared to most standard sized people.

image via NNDB.com