Dave's Dictionary 2

In the spirit of smash hit pseudo-terminology like irregardless and strategery, ADNW presents a new project – Dave’s Dictionary! You won’t find these words in Webster’s and they won’t clear your spell-check yet, but maybe one day.

Assmonia – any intestinally based illness; particularly those that make you crap a lot.
“Paul slipped out of work early, because he worried the assmonia may cost him a pair of clean shorts.”

Flumonia – a self-diagnosed illness that is making you seriously consider going to the doctor to get a real diagnosis.
“Mike couldn’t produce a doctor’s note for his supervisor, but he assured him he had a raging case of flumonia.”

Helmutt – an ugly person that has hair like a helmet.
“Lucy’s brother called her a helmutt when she matched an unfortunate figure with a particularly sturdy haircut.”

Instinkts – recognizing that a fart has been let go and vacating the area prior to the smell.
“Thinking quickly, Chad exercised his instinkts and vacated the cereal aisle before a few horrified customers knew he had dropped stink bomb.”

Beerslide – drinking adult beverages more heavily as the evening passes, then subsequently losing sense of when you should have said when.
“Things were going great for Erica until she got caught in a beerslide.”

Living Life as a Yet – Part I

Living large means standing above the crowd.

Most of us have certain traits that make us special and unique. One of mine is living life large. By large, I’m talking about the physical height and size of my body. I’ve had to endure a lifetime of living taller than most, which has put me in several circumstances where being tall is a disadvantage. Below is a list of small grievances.

1) Most of the time when I go in a restroom, I find that the mirrors have been installed at an elevation for an “average height” person. I normally get to see what I look like from the chin down because the mirrors are not tall enough or the top of the mirror is set at a lower level than what I need. I usually have to lean over to see what’s going on with my Yet style hair.

2) Also in the bathroom, at my height, those partitions that are suppose to give privacy for others don’t really do their job when the urinal is positioned right next to a stall. It’s difficult for me to use the urinal when I can see someone sitting in the stall with my peripheral vision. I don’t dare do a full look (see bathroom etiquette blog). It throws off all concentration.

3) Another thing that amazes me is that I get used as a human fork lift. When I walk through stores, I get asked by customers to get stuff down from top shelves all the time. I don’t work for the store nor do I want the lawsuit when the item slips out of my “oversized” hands and hits you on the head.

4) That brings me to another topic - my “oversized” hands. People are in awe at the difference in size of my hands compared to theirs. They have me do the old “put your hands up to mine” routine. They are amazed to the point of doing everything but calling me a freak of nature (I’m not a freak of nature). I mean come on…look at how much taller I am than you. It is a proportion thing. My hands will be larger than yours. If they weren’t, I would be so out of proportion that I would look like a freak of nature.

5) Something else that’s not convenient is seating space at sporting events, movies, airplanes, etc... Seating space for my long legs is a premium. I usually have to swing my legs to the side so that I fit in the space between my seat and the seat in front of me. However, when I swing my legs to the side, I take up space for the person sitting next to me. If I am sitting next to a friend on one side and a stranger on the other, I will swing my legs towards my friend. Sorry, it’s the price you pay for associating with me. I usually try and snag an isle seat if I have a choice so I can swing my legs out. But then by doing that, I usually end up getting my feet stepped on or worse yet, accidentally tripping someone as they walk past.

To be continued…

BATHROOM ETIQUETTE 1.4

RULE 4 – FLUSH IT!

There was an amusing line regarding human waste in Meet the Fockers. “If it’s yellow, let it mellow. If it’s brown, flush it down.” Regarding public bathrooms, I’m going to go out on a limb here and say, just flush it Focker! I’m all for being eco-conscious, but I simply don’t want to rate your diet by visually inspecting the consistency of your crap or judge your level of dehydration from the color of your piss. And I certainly don’t want to relate the term green to another man’s poo. I believe staying sanitary (and the bonus of eliminating smell) outweighs the perceived value of this water conservation strategy. I’m not well versed on green economy, but in my estimation, there should be some consideration for the environmental cost of meds and other consequences of healing the victims of poor sanitation. I hate to bring it up, but if you’ve ever been in a port-a-potty after a NASCAR race, you have experienced the worst-case scenario. I’m pretty sure that some of the Biblical plagues originated in a comparable environment. And let’s set aside the ecological impact for a moment - not seeing your business is good for my attitude, which is already on edge with having to share bathroom space with you in the first place. If you want to play chemistry experiment in the crapper, inflict it on your family members, not me.

PARANOID BATHROOM TIP OF THE WEEK 2

Those of you that do care about bathroom etiquette, generally think carefully about sanitation as well. Let others call you obsessive compulsive, while they amiably pass the plague. Here are some tips for keeping the experience as clean as possible.

TIP 3

Don’t touch the sink after you wash. You obviously have to touch the water faucet to turn it on, but plan ahead by grabbing a hand towel before you have to switch the water off after cleaning your hands. Not everyone actually uses soap, and like you, they had to touch the handle before they got clean. Worst case scenario – use an elbow, shirtsleeve or the back of your hand. Try not to use a digit that you might later use to pick your teeth or rub your eye.

From the Dr. Love Files -1.7

And yes, constantly having a cell phone on your ear does make you smarter and more attractive.

Fallacy 6 – Five Secrets Men Will Never Admit To

These really do speak for themselves; I just hope I haven’t given away the farm.

1. We only listen to half of what you say about half the time; it’s hereditary.
2. There is absolutely no connection between how good our sex life is and how often we use the cowboy grip in private.
3. Going to Hooters for wings doesn’t get old until you have a daughter of your own.
4. Any feelings we hold for an ex are obscure compared to the love of our very first Playboy.
5. We love Sex and the City, as much as you do; it’s like a documentary that opened our eyes to how women really conduct themselves.

Body Part of the Week

The bubble butt is back! Whatever happened to the J. Lo hype? The phenomenon can NOT be over? There’s still something to be said for the exquisite roundness some of you ladies share with the world. A really tight pair of jeans or some daisy dukes and “I’m hooked and I can’t stop starin`…So if Cosmo says you’re fat, I ain’t down with that…your curves are kickin!” Baby Got Back?

Crappy Job

Tools required - a poo tube, disposable gloves, disposable income, and disposable pride.

Dave's Dictionary 1

In the spirit of smash hit pseudo-terminology like irregardless and strategery, ADNW presents a new project – Dave’s Dictionary! You won’t find these words in Webster’s and they won’t clear your spell-check, but maybe one day.

Beerstincts – Giving yourself up to the alcohol induced whimsy of the moment.
“Charles was initially concerned about preserving his reputation. But, he quickly gave in to his beerstincts and had a great time.”

Friendsulation – Having a wingman in an unfamiliar / hostile environment.
“Kyle detests going to dance clubs. But when Bryan agreed to go, the additional friendsulation compelled him to join the supermodels.”

Stockcock- Having an average sized penis.
“When the topic of penis size came up, Chad bravely brushed the question aside by claiming he had a stockcock.”

Stearing – being compelled to stare at a women’s chest or ass because of a particular item of revealing clothing she opted to wear. She steered you into staring.
“Mandy was pleased to notice her low cut blouse did the job, when she caught Paul stearing at her rack.”

Natureblock – Getting intimate with someone and being interrupted by an urgent nature call (gas included).
“Jimmy was about to consummate a perfect date with Jenny, but abruptly told her he had to leave. She thought it was nerves. But, Jimmy was privately disappointed in his choice of wings for dinner, which had created an untimely natureblock.”

BATHROOM ETIQUETTE 1.3

EDITOR'S NOTE - ADNW does not casually wade into the pool of public service announcements. Loyal readers will know our standard agenda meanders from lewd commentary (DJ BJ) to general enlightenment (Dr. Love). In fact, public service is generally against our principles. But, even ADNW has to take a stand now and again. In the following series, we’ll highlight what could be generously labeled – inappropriate public behavior. In so doing, we hope to actively become agents of change. Idiots take note.

SERIES 1 - RULES FOR PUBLIC BATHROOMS
I have a palpable disdain for public bathrooms. I think they’re customarily dirty, they lack privacy, and you have to share space that regrettably exposes and exaggerates conflicting personal and cultural norms. This initial series of posts will deal with setting some ground rules.

RULE 3 - MIND YOUR BUSINESS
At least once, many a dude has had the awkward experience of another guy checking him out at a public urinal. Seriously. I don’t care if you’re gay, straight, or a unicorn. If you’re just that curious, buy a magazine or hit the Internet. Ladies, just so you know (and I despise that this has to be clarified), part of the code is that you don’t gawk at another dude’s junk while whizzing. Obviously, urinals offer dramatically less privacy than stalls. Best practice is to keep your eyes on your own stuff, (you know, for maintenance purposes) and perhaps look straight ahead at the wall. If, as a dude, you can’t fight the urge to peek around, hold out for a damn stall. Or better yet, don’t go out in public. Convention is that you keep your presence low key.

The exception is sporting event banter. Go ahead and share some good-natured smack talk with the fellas. But, it’s definitely not cool to overplay the testosterone. For example, every once in a while I see some dipshit standing at a stall in a superman pose. In case you missed the visual, superman pose means a dude places both hands on his hips, chin up, and head roughly turned 90 degrees. I’m expecting these dudes to shout, “Up, up and away!” I know, you might think, “what’s the harm”? If the guy looks like a tool, who’s it hurting? Well, part of the code is that you need to use at least one of those hands to control your junk. I don’t even want to think about what could happen if Superdouche pisses on my shoe. Besides, it’s proper to provide a bit of a visual shield. I don’t want some peripheral eye sore. Nobody cares if you’re John Holmes and can brag about it dipping in the bowl; keep it to yourself. The moral to the story is – mind your business!

I don't need no stinking pick up line

Get out of my 70’s porn and get into my poker game!

DJ BJ's Can't Miss Pick Up Lines 6

A NOTE FROM THE EDITOR
As a veteran single man, DJ BJ has developed assorted pick up lines. These submissions do not represent the views of ADNW, nor are they guaranteed to actually work (nor keep you out of harms way).

INTRO
As a public service, I am willing to share some favorite, bulletproof, top shelf pick up line selections with you. This is the sixth set. I will submit more on a semi-regular basis, at least until I run out or get bored.

51) Hey, I can see you don’t sweat the small stuff, because yours are pretty big.
52) Do you ever wish you got more support? Well, I’m here for you. Let me hold your jugs.
53) You look tired. How about you take a load off by sitting in my lap?
54) If you’re not going to talk to me, can you at least dress skankier next time?
55) You’re a teacher? That’s great, because I’m ready to do me some learning.
56) I’m going to nickname you Calcium, because you’re good for my bone’s health.
57) If I were a limo driver at the airport, I’d hold a sign for you that said “Delicious.”
58) You’re so tiny you’d make my junk look huge in our sex videos.
59) You look pretty fit. How about I let you kick my ass in all the right places.
60) I’m a savvy businessman and I like to invest wisely. So, if I buy you food, drinks, or flowers, is sex on the table?

PARANOID BATHROOM TIP OF THE WEEK 2

Those of you that do care about bathroom etiquette, generally think carefully about sanitation as well. Let others call you obsessive compulsive, while they amiably pass around the plague. Here are some tips for keeping the experience as clean as possible.

TIP 2
Pre-pump the hand towel

In a future post, I’ll discuss in depth the engineering idiocy of having to re-dirty your hands on a self-crank paper towel dispenser. For now, I’ll submit that you can expect this customarily wet germ dispenser to give you a bonus dose of the flu or cholera with each helping of towel. You simply can’t know who just wiped an ass, blew a nose, or engaged in some unspeakable activity before touching it. So, before you wash your hands (unless using an automatic dispenser), spend a moment to dispense your hand towel in advance of washing. Thus, you bypass the chance of undoing all the good you just did.

Yes, on occasion some jackass will slip into your bubble and snag your pre-pumped towel. That’s the major disadvantage of public bathrooms – the inclusion of the rest of the public. If that happens, do as the shampoo salesman suggests – rinse, lather and repeat. There’s also the too frequent possibility that the towel dispenser will be empty. If lucky, you had the forethought to stick a paper towel in your pocket. Otherwise, you’re stuck flinging your hands dry or using your pants. But, if you are stuck with the air dryer only option (one more spectacular reason to avoid McDonalds), by all means dry your hands. Just be careful to avoid touching the button. Ideally, use an elbow or some body part you won’t likely stick in your eye later. The big concern is then avoiding door handles on the way out. Best of luck with that.

DJ BJ's Can't Miss Pick Up Lines 5

And if the pick up line thing doesn't quite work out, perhaps dress up?

A NOTE FROM THE EDITOR As a veteran single man, DJ BJ has developed an assortment of pick up lines. These submissions do not represent the views of ADNW, nor are they guaranteed to actually work (nor keep you out of harms way).

INTRO
As a public service, I am willing to share some favorite, bulletproof, top shelf pick up line selections with you. This is the fifth set. I will submit more on a semi-regular basis, at least until I run out or get bored.

41) Do you like Subway and their whole Eat Fresh thing? Well, meet my penis. I named him Fresh.
42) I just showered. I think you’ll find that I taste great.
43) Do you make pizza? Because, I’d like to eat your pie.
44) I’m naming your baby maker The Fastball, because I’d like to hit it.
45) You ever consider being a lesbian? Because you’re so hot, even other chicks would do you.
46) Tell me who you voted for last election. That way I can decide if I’m a liberal or conservative tonight.
47) You ever stick your foot in your mouth? Want to?
48) You ever stick your foot in your mouth? I named my penis – Your Foot.
49) Hey, I’m shopping around for a lightweight STD. What you got?
50) Have you heard of the big bang? I’m ready to give you a tutorial.