Life through a different lens

Thursday, April 30, 2009

BATHROOM ETIQUETTE 1.2

Editor’s Note ADNW does not casually wade into the pool of public service announcements. Loyal readers will know our standard agenda meanders from lewd commentary (DJ BJ) to general enlightenment (Dr. Love). In fact, public service is generally against our principles. But, even ADNW has to take a stand now and again. In the following series, we’ll highlight what could be generously labeled – inappropriate public behavior. In so doing, we hope to actively become agents of change. Idiots take note.

SERIES 1 - RULES FOR PUBLIC BATHROOMS

I have a palpable disdain for public bathrooms. I think they’re customarily dirty, they lack privacy, and you have to share space that regrettably exposes and exaggerates conflicting personal and cultural norms. This initial series of posts will deal with setting some ground rules.

RULE 2 - FOCUS
As a rule, I don’t want to listen in on your phone conversation (more on that topic later). This is especially true when I’m in the bathroom. With the runaway proliferation of cell phones, I think we’ve all seen this. Some of you have probably done it. Personally, I have a strict “no fly zone” policy for phones in bathrooms. I don’t care if Abraham Lincoln wakes from the dead and personally calls to tell me that lovable aliens will hand off my billion dollar lottery winnings on a flight to planet Xanadu. I’m not answering. Therefore, you won’t convince me that your conversation with mommy about the furry, green boogey you just picked will somehow reach a level of relevance worthy of public broadcast in this private domain. Regardless, I keenly remember being victim of one of these idiots, who rolled in to a stall, dropped his pants, blew ass, and never broke stride in the phone conversation. Now, I’m not saying that you can’t enjoy a quality fart with a friend. But, I have had the joy of being on the other end of the phone on occasion. News flash dumbass – WE CAN HEAR YOU! Think about the physics. If you can hear something that came out of your ass all the way up to your ear, do you think it magically bypasses the region of your mouth, and therefore cell microphone? Were you counting on a poor connection, static, or the masking sound of a couple dozen ass’s simultaneously ringing out creating some type of white ass noise? The bottom line is, I don’t want to hear it, or vicariously experience the discomfort of your boss on the other end. Let’s just leave it at – keep the friggin phone in your pocket! I’m barely tolerating you being in the bathroom with me in the first place. I sure as hell don’t want your mommy listening in too.

Secondarily, you’re the same phone addict that can’t take a 3-minute drive without calling your girlfriend, life coach, or BFF. Therefore, from watching you weave all over the road, I know how much you suck at multi-tasking. I don’t even want to think how your lack of focus in the bathroom impacts your hygiene. But, I can say that those boils on your ass are no coincidence. For your sake and your proctologist's, put the phone away and clean yourself up for a change of pace.

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

From the Dr. Love Files -1.6

The words are unimportant. Butt writing is always an effective way to say, "look at my ass!"

Fallacy 5 – Five Things to Know About His Man Parts

Sometimes Glamour articles get it right at least in title or theory. Here’s Doc Love’s take on one such article. I can’t tell how much these things are true, so ladies pay attention!

1. The penis is not an only child – Do not forget about the identical twins.
2. Whoooa, slow down! It’s not gymnastics – 3% of men suffer a bent or scarred penis, known as Peyronie’s Disease.
3. Women like compliments about their figure – we like them about our junk.
4. We’d never expect you to clean us off after the act – but if you do you’ll quickly find a ring on your finger.
5. Don’t call it a penis – You’re not a doctor, even if you are dressed like a nurse; be grandiose, think seductive!

Doctor Love’s Super Songs of Love and Romance

#2 -- 10 Soft Rock Classics To Make Love To
Shortly after the summer of love the 70’s brought some of the best songs to “get it your groove on.” Slip into something comfortable, put on these gems and curl up next to your lover for the next hour!

So Into You - Atlantic Rhythm Section
Make It With You – Bread
Let Me Love You Tonight - Pure Prairie League
You’re The Only Woman - Ambrosia
I’d Love You To Want Me - Lobo
I Love You – Climax Blues Band
Reminiscing - Little River Band
The Things We Do For Love – 10cc
Kiss You All Over - Exile
Let’s Get It On – Marvin Gaye

Body Part of the Week

“She’s got legs and she knows how to use them”, ZZ Tops double entendre to tall ladies says it all. How many times have you turned back to watch a beautiful lady walk away in high heels, and thought about it? Innuendo all around us and nothing but smooth shaved bipeds to gaze upon. Thanks to all for showing them off!

Thursday, April 23, 2009

DJ BJ's Can't Miss Pick Up Lines 4

Mitch needs all the help he can get.

A NOTE FROM THE EDITOR As a veteran single man, DJ BJ has developed an assortment of pick up lines. These submissions do not represent the views of ADNW, nor are they guaranteed to actually work (nor keep you out of harms way).

INTRO
As a public service, I am willing to share some favorite, bulletproof, top shelf pick up line selections with you. This is the fourth set. I will submit more on a semi-regular basis, at least until I run out or get bored.

31) Sure I’m old enough to be your father. You can call me daddy if it helps.
32) Sure I’m old enough to be your father, the good news is I act more like your age.
33) Do you like animals? Cause if you do, I’ll let you touch my monkey (apologies to Mike Myers).
34) Hey baby, I’m gonna hang back a bit, because you’re hot to the touch.
35) Good news! I brought my camera tonight, because they say pictures will make it last longer.
36) I may be older than you, but I’m a modern, technically savvy man. Wanna see how you turn my floppy disk into a hard drive?
37) I might be a dog, but I’ll be a good boy for a special treat.
38) Are you a vegetarian? Because, I need to know if I should refer to my junk as a cucumber or sausage.
39) Where do you stand politically? I need to know whether you like the lights on or off when we’re having sex.
40) I’m kind of a freak about working out. How about you help me get my cardio in tonight?

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

BATHROOM ETIQUETTE 1.1

EDITOR'S NOTE
ADNW does not casually wade into the pool of public service announcements. Loyal readers will know our standard agenda meanders from lewd commentary (DJ BJ) to general enlightenment (Dr. Love). In fact, public service is generally against our principles. But, even ADNW has to take a stand now and again. In the following series, we’ll highlight what could be generously labeled – inappropriate public behavior. In so doing, we hope to actively become agents of change. Idiots take note.


SERIES 1 - RULES FOR PUBLIC BATHROOMS
I have a palpable disdain for public bathrooms. I think they’re customarily dirty, they lack privacy, and you have to share space that regrettably exposes and exaggerates conflicting personal and cultural norms. This initial series of posts will deal with setting some ground rules.

RULE 1 – WASH UP
If you’re a glutton for punishment and perhaps a half dose naïve, a short stay in a public bathroom could prove enlightening. There are a disturbing number of dudes that don’t seem to care about sanitation. I, for one, believe that any trip to the bathroom (public or private) merits washing your damn hands. Whether due to personal belief, laziness, or ignorance, not everyone apparently agrees. There’s a classic military joke. A sailor lectures a marine about how after taking a piss; in the navy they train them to wash their hands. The marine cleverly retorts, “Marines are trained not to piss on their hands.” That’s swell, and arguably funny. But here’s the deal, you still touched your cock! In no way, shape or form do I want to vicariously touch your penis if there’s the slightest chance that later we might shake hands. Let’s not even delve into the arena of what happens when you take a dump. Let’s just leave it at wash your friggin hands! I don’t want to touch anything - your hand, a door handle, a phone, a lampshade - that has vicariously touched your junk or poo.

PARANOID TIP OF THE DAY
Those of you that do care about bathroom etiquette, generally think carefully about sanitation. Let others call you obsessive compulsive, while they indiscriminately pass the plague. Here are some tips for keeping the experience as clean as possible.

TIP 1
Don’t toss that paper towel too early – I believe that the end of cleanliness begins with the next surface you touch. Delay that as long as possible by using your hand towel as a barrier between you and any door handles on your way out of the cesspool.

Monday, April 20, 2009

Spirit Week 1

How are we going to do the perfect cheer when your bow is all messed up?

INTRO
ADNW would like to welcome you to a new segment - Spirit Week! We’re going to take you back to the good old days of drumming up enthusiasm for homecoming (or similar occasion) with pep rallies, decorated lockers, and dress up. However, we’re going to spice it up a bit by awarding points for participation. So, get your scorecards ready. Winner not only gets the pride in victory, but you also win a free tour of your own home. Best of luck contestants.

SBD Monday
(SBD = Silent But Deadly) You get 10 points for clandestinely clearing a room. Double your points for getting caught.

Indoor Shades Tuesday
10 points for each occasion. 10 bonus points when laughed at.

Poor conversational skills Wednesday
10 points for every time you:
a- Awkwardly walk out mid-conversation
b- Awkwardly insert yourself into a conversation
c- Dominate a conversation
d- Interrupt
e- Ramble incoherently

Third Person Thursday
10 points each time you publicly speak of yourself in the 3rd person. 10-point bonus if it's in front of a boss/client.

Inane Nickname Friday
10 points for assigning inane nicknames to coworkers, clients, and supervisors. Double your points if you get someone else to repeat it.

Thursday, April 16, 2009

DJ BJ's Can't Miss Pick Up Lines 3

Rick did not execute number 24 with the proper tone. Consequences did follow.

A NOTE FROM THE EDITOR As a veteran single man, DJ BJ has developed an assortment of pick up lines. These submissions do not represent the views of ADNW, nor are they guaranteed to actually work (nor keep you out of harms way).

INTRO
As a public service, I am willing to share some favorite, bulletproof, top shelf pick up line selections with you. This is the third set. I will submit more on a semi-regular basis, at least until I run out or get bored.

21) You’re hot. How ‘bout I drop my pants and hose you down?
22) You must work in a toy store, because all I can think of around you is an erector set.
23) (For geography chicks) So are you familiar with plate tectonics? Cause I’ve got a peninsula I’d like to turn into a body bridge with you.
24) So are you into warfare? Cause I’m about to invade your space.
25) Hey, I’m going to dip my taters into gravy. I hope you haven’t given up on starch.
26) It’s good you’re smart, because you aren’t intimidated by Calculus. That happens to be the name of my unit (because dumb chicks think it’s too hard).
27) Are you in to peace and quiet? Cause if you’ll be the piece, I’ll be quiet.
28) (In a Southern accent) Hey baby, wanna arm wrestle? Winner takes y’all? (This one also requires that she looks really frail).
29) You must be into carpentry, cause I’d like to nail you.
30) I’m going to be President. Bet you’d like to meet me in the oh-oh-oval office.

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

Car Stereotypes 9

SPORTS CAR / OVERLY EXPENSIVE NOVELTY CAR

Many people have covered this genre. The content customarily touches on “compensating for something” and / or “mid-life crisis.” Therefore, I’ll bypass that worn out commentary and submit the following.

You have a given name similar to Charles. But under pressure from your new trophy wife, you’re in the process of attempting to change your moniker from Charlie or Chuck into something like Chaz, because she thinks it sounds dramatically more cosmopolitan. Consequently, anyone who has known you before this name adaptation thinks you’re an idiot. They only use the name Chaz with a grossly sarcastic, if not openly hostile tone. Anyone that has met you since the name change just rolls their eyes and thinks you spent a ridiculous amount of money on the new business cards. But, they are even more amused by how you insist on handing them out to every drive-thru cashier and “sandwich artist.” Regardless the name you go by, it’s not unheard of for people to couple the phrase arrogant prick with it. You are also heavily devoted to the art of giving nicknames, although you suck at it. Generally, you mix them up and sadly can’t even remember the real name of the person. Consequently, you eventually resort to calling everyone nicknames by stereotype. For example, you call athletic looking guys – Champ, hot girls – Daisy Duke, and guys with glasses – Urkel. You eagerly tell people that your favorite type of music is the blues and you have an extensive blues collection prominently displayed in your home, that gets slightly more use than your Viagra prescription. One of your greatest aspirations is to someday be on stage and have another performer tell you to “take it.” Secondarily, you’d also like to learn to play an instrument.

AUDI

Sorry, there’s no way to candy coat this one. You’re just an asshole.









Ed drives a normal car but wishes to salute all of you freaks that made the series possible. This concludes Car Stereotypes. Ed and I thank you for being a good sport.

Sunday, April 12, 2009

From the Dr. Love Files -1.5

Fallacy 4 – There’s flirting, and then there’s FLIRTING!

These actually came from a real Cosmopolitan article, “Flirting Moves No Man Can Resist.” They even touted it as crafting the “ultimate bag him bible.” I could not resist sharing just a few. Ladies take note but I’ll let you decide why they work, and if you should try them. Men please look for these signs and you’ll soon know when you’re being bagged!

• Stroll over to a bored boy and inform him that you’re from the social search-and rescue. Your Mission? To save him from a dull night.
• At a café, dip your finger in your dessert, put it in your mouth, and slowly pull it out while eyeing a hot guy.
• Tell him that you’re an amateur palm reader. While you’re peering at his hand, trace any creases and predict that there will be lots of passion in his future.
• Give him a long once-over from head to toe then bring your eyes back to his. Smile ever so slightly to let him know you like what you see.
• Say you’re trying out a new perfume, then hold out your wrist or expose your neck and ask his opinion.
• Pull out a copy of the Kama Sutra from your bag and say, “Would you be interested in joining my book club?”
• Proclaim that you’re thinking about changing your name. Then say with a smile, “Do I strike you as more of a Sienna or a Bambi?”
• At a bar or coffeehouse, use the tip of your tongue lick beer or espresso foam from your lips.
• Once you’ve scoped out the buffest bod at the gym, remark that he looks like he’s pretty familiar with the place and ask where the best spot to stretch out is.
• Tell a capable cutie that you have a minor emergency: an itch you can’t reach.

I think the Doctor speaks for all men when he says thank you Cosmo for making it that much easier!
Of course there's also Flirting Move # 32 - Dance on the bar

Body Part of the Week

Back of the Neck – I think most ladies would agree, when your man is cuddled up behind you and breathes or kisses the back of your neck, it sends chills to all the right places.

Friday, April 10, 2009

Locked and Loaded

After you spot Michael Phelps parading in the National Guard Hummer, scan forward and note the dude encroaching on the gold medalist's space, posing in the foreground for a picture. Just behind him is the security dude wearing the "please give me an excuse to kick your ass" expression.

DJ BJ's Can't Miss Pick Up Lines 2

EDITOR'S NOTE
Having spent a lot of time as a single man, DJ BJ has had countless opportunities to develop a wide array of pick up lines. He has not indicated if and when these have worked, any consequences, and the state of sobriety of the target female. Having said that, these submissions do not represent the views of ADNW, nor are they guaranteed by the blog to actually work (nor keep you out of harms way). Use them at your own risk, and our apologies.

INTRO
Gentleman – In my experience, the ladies notice a bold man. Here are some of my favorite pick up lines. As a public service, I am willing to share these bulletproof, top shelf selections with you. This is the second ten. I will submit more on a semi-regular basis, at least until I run out or get bored.

11) Smoke ‘em if you got ‘em. And baby, I got ‘em.
12) Hey, I saw you checking me out. Oh, I’ve got a dangling booger? Awkward. So, now that I’ve got your attention…
13) I got a little blue pill with your name all over it.
14) (At the mall) Let me show you something in a size me.
15) (At the deli) I can hook you up with some prize sausage.
16) (At the meat counter) Look no further. I’ve some beef for ya.
17) Baby, if you were in a whore line up, I’d choose you.
18) Hey, I just had some wings. You wanna lick my fingers?
19) I’m guessing you’re a military girl, because I want to tell you in Private that I would promote you to General from a Major piece of ass.
20) (You have to be near a crapper to really sell this one). Umm, hey, can you help me fix my zipper?

Wednesday, April 8, 2009

Car Stereotypes 8

CONVERSION VAN

Pimps and pederasts unite! With the exceptions of the wheelchair accessible variety or if you’re a member of the A-Team, I worry that you’ve at least considered installing a torture chamber behind those ultra dark tinted windows (blinds installed behind these for backup, and I assume some attention to sound-proofing). You have at least googled the term chloroform and have probably put a little work into gathering the ingredients. You tell people that you are an outdoor enthusiast, but they figure that because you can’t take a crap in your wannabe RV, there’s something on your mind beyond luxury camping. Friends, neighbors, and family won’t allow their loved ones to ride solo with you, and you can’t understand why, but fantasize about them doing so anyway. Parents grab their children when you drive by, and anyone that belongs to a security detail, watches you extra closely. You realized that Wal-Mart truly was home, the day they started letting people leave their vehicles in the parking lot, camping style. You’re super conscious of keeping your headlights, and taillights functional, so the cops won’t randomly pull you over, and you hope that the local prostitutes will stop habitually spraying you with Mace and referring to you as Creepy Carl.

NOVELTY CAR – (PT Cruiser, cheap convertibles, Car Box, etc)

There is a picture of you in a yearbook somewhere wearing parachute pants, poofy 80’s hair, or a mullet. You’ve often thought that Tom Cruise and Michael Jackson were secretly talking to you through their movies and songs. You’d be horrified to know that others notice you constantly chasing the next fad. You have a secret place in your closet full of fad clothing, hoping beyond hope that your stone washed jeans will come back before the moths take too heavy a toll. In just a couple years, you have rapidly progressed from being excited about your vehicle purchase to being excited about the car just starting. On cold days, you actually say a brief prayer as you attempt to start it, and you’re counting the days until you move on to the next fad car, having learned nothing from this experience. You pay more per month on your car payment than your housing, and car salesman walk the other way when they see you returning to the lot, because you’re the poster child for the term “upside down.”
Faux wood paneling on a novelty car? Surely this was a gag gift.

Sunday, April 5, 2009

Oh give me a home...

In spite of what one may consider slightly terrifying proximity to some pretty intimidating bison, these dudes would rather fish. Moral to the story - guys will find a happy place.

From the Dr. Love Files -1.4

Fallacy 3 – Five Dating Goofs for the Ladies!

You’re an attractive single who’s got it together but Mr. Right never comes along. Are you giving off ‘stay away from me’ signals? Make sure you’re not subconsciously making the following mistakes.

1. There are no cute guys here? Sure it’s your hang out but it’s also the same old spot. You know that guy at the office asks you to lunch or out for coffee for a reason, why not give it a try? Venture outside your comfort zone.
2. Am I really that shallow? When working the room realize the real catch might just be watching you. If you’re bitchy to the so-so’s, he knows. That and Mr. So-So might turn out to be the fresh start. Give him a shot.
3. What’s all this girl power? Bringing girlfriend back up with you might backfire. What if he likes one of your friends instead? Plus guys don’t like being rejected by your entire posse.
4. Are blind dates really that bad? Don’t believe the hype, sometimes the best way to find a good guy is to be set up. If people you know like him, maybe he’s the one you’ve been looking for.
5. Are you really on a husband finding mission? Most guys steer away from the girl they think is ready to settle down. Take a deep breathe and enjoy yourself; the rest will come naturally.

Body Part of the Week

Belly Button – The original “gateway of life” has gone from taboo to erotic. Whether you prefer an innie or an outie, with or without fluff (sometimes called fuzz) or even pierced you have to admit they’re damn cute. It’s also another reason why Mary Ann wins out over Ginger. Spring is here and I vote for Bikini’s all around!

Friday, April 3, 2009

Play Dead

After enduring another scorching day, Dale is second guessing his choice to go with the trouser trim only.

DJ BJ’s Can’t Miss Pick Up Lines 1

EDITOR'S NOTE
Having spent a lot of time as a single man, DJ BJ has had countless opportunities to develop a wide array of pick up lines. He has not indicated if and when these have worked, any consequences, and the state of sobriety of the target female. Having said that, these submissions do not represent the views of ADNW, nor are they guaranteed by the blog to actually work (nor keep you out of harms way). Use them at your own risk, and our apologies.

INTRO
Gentleman – In my experience, the ladies notice a bold man. Here are some of my favorite pick up lines. As a public service, I am willing to share these bulletproof, top shelf selections with you. This is just the first ten. I will submit more on a semi-regular basis, at least until I run out or get bored.

PICK UP LINES 1 - 10
1) Yeah, but I won’t be twice your age next year.
2) Give me a break. Once I get 3 or 4 more drinks in you, I get funny!
3) Well, I figured since your friend is hotter, you’d consider talking to me.
4) I just showered. You wanna smell my butt?
5) So you’re hot and smart? You got a dumb younger sister?
6) (Car sales version) So you’re hot and smart? What can I do to put you into a couple pitchers of beer today?
7) I’m the artist, and you’re the canvas. Can I paint my love on your naked body?
8) Wear a short skirt and no panties next time. That way I’m one stumble away from getting lucky!
9) I know what you Southern girls like. That’s why I dipped my junk in barbecue sauce tonight.
10) Can I see your boobs? Please. Please. Please. Please. Please. Please. Please. Please. Please. Please. Did you hear me say please?

Wednesday, April 1, 2009

Car Stereotypes 7

MEGA-SUV (NON-HUMMER)

You thought this was a sweet, ultra-safe alternative to the minivan. And, it was a good move until you started worrying a bit more about financing unfriendly countries in tough economic times. Furthermore, your kids have gotten to the age where they are busting your chops about global warming and how their cool friend’s parents now drive a mini-cooper. Consequently, to avoid embarrassment they duck out of sight when other vehicles near, and ask you to drop them a block short of their school (further defeating some measure of your safety first consciousness). You’ve actually had to drive it in genuinely treacherous winter conditions exactly twice, although you’ve engaged the 4-wheel drive about 300 times to give yourself the sense that you didn’t waste the substantial sum of extra money for that feature. When you pull into the gas station, the owner makes a celebratory call to his wife to tell her they can eat out tonight after all, while the other patrons simultaneously cringe in fear as you attempt to maneuver the beast around their cars toward the yet to explode gas pump. You’re prone to ducking when you occasionally make the mistake of pulling into a parking garage. Your now aging parents refuse to let you drive them anywhere, because they simply cannot get past the pride vaporizing experience of getting boosted up by the ass into this super tall vehicle. Consequently you own at least one booster step, that at least your dogs are getting some use out of, and there are at least a couple of seats that no one has ever actually ridden in that have been purely relegated to the role of carrying sporting goods and lost groceries that eventually start to smell, provoking you into a semi-annual cleaning, that is no less cumbersome than cleaning your whole house, because you can’t actually fit it into any car wash, and the hand wash places insist on charging you a premium.

MINI-SUV

You don’t have the funds and/or are too practical to get the big boy SUV, but you’re also terrified of driving. You drove your rear wheel drive hoopty through the snow once, and that was a horrifying enough experience to send you racing to the nearest dealership. Otherwise, you got confused at the intersection of fuel economy and safety. You somehow thought that the smaller vehicle would buy you some moral high ground in the realm of social responsibility. Unfortunately, your ride only gets you slightly better gas mileage than the dude in the suburban, and that’s only if you don’t have a load of groceries in the back. You have become painfully aware that the craftsmanship of this vehicle is not quite up to the standard of many of the full or midsize SUV’s, and what you initially made up for in purchase price, you’ve more than lost in repair costs and stunted life span of the vehicle.

CAMARO / TRANS-AM / FIREBIRD

You’re nostalgic for the 80’s, not just because they were your best years, but also because you thought nothing has been cool since. You are still a little bummed that Burt Reynolds and Lonnie Anderson didn’t work out. You own at least one pair of black ‘pleather’ driving gloves that you have worn into the local Best Buy when you had some novelty gadget installed in your ride. You consider it rude for people to park within a block of your car after you carefully straddled as many parking spots as you can, and the guys at the car wash know you on a first name basis (although behind your back they call you Smokey and the Bandit). You’ve just recently found a website that sells betamax videotapes, and you’re trying to collect as many as you can, before they completely disappear. You openly proclaim Michael Jackson a deranged freak, but there’s a special place in your glove box where you keep the King of Pop’s complete collection of 8 track tapes and a single glove. You go by the name Dr. Johnny Fever in chat rooms, but have to use your nephew’s computer to do so. You have occasionally considered trading in your mullet, pre-faded jeans, and leather jacket for modern gear. But, you couldn’t bear the thought of leaving the perks of your fast food management lifestyle.
In this personal favorite, note how Knight Rider carefully parked his car between two poles.